Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear Sophie and Aiden

Dear Sophie and Aiden,

I am missing you so much. It's impossible for me to not think about what life would be like should you be here and not in Heaven. This past weekend was my favorite part of summer-a concert with the symphony and fireworks. Last year I was hurting so much-you had just left us and it was hard to be around all the happy families. It hurt this year, too-I watched all the little kids, wondering what it would be like to have two 1 year olds to take care of, instead of just me and daddy. I planned in my head what I would have to bring with me, maybe a wagon to ride in. Books to read, toys to play with. Your friend, Nelson, was there for the first time, and it made me so excited. He would have loved you, I know it! He didnt like the fireworks much, and I imagine you wouldn't have either.
This summer feels so weird. I hope you are getting ready to tell your sister to make her arrival in this world. I have a feeling you all know each other already. Daddy and I are waiting for her and just can't wait to meet her.
I am hoping that you understand how bad I've been feeling lately having to answer all sorts of questions and know that I don't want to lie. It is a lie to say that this baby is our first. She is not. Sophie, you are our first born, and forever will be. Aiden, you were next. But it just hurts so much when I mention you and people react in such a terrible, selfish way. The first two times someone asked, I said, "We have twins in Heaven." and both times the person just said, "Oh." and walked away.
Oh.
You don't deserve that. You're too important to me. I don't mean to lie, but I can't take the pain when they react this way. I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think that I'm forgetting you or that you are not counted in my family. You are, and forever will be.
There are so many things I wish I knew about you. As I get ready to meet your sister, it makes me think of how beautiful you were when you were born. I wish I could have seen the color of your eyes. I wish I had known what color your hair would be. Would you have looked like Daddy more, or me?
I wish I knew what your personality would have been like. What would you have been interested in? Daddy thinks definitely Aiden would have loved trains. And Soph, I bet for sure we would have read a lot of books together. I wish I could have read you books.
I'm trying my best to look forward and not behind. But sometimes I just am so sad. I don't understand why God had to take you back to Heaven and not let you grow up here. I'm so sorry that it was my body that failed you and couldn't keep you safe.
We miss you so much. Beyond belief. And a lot of people think that because your sister is coming, that all the pain is gone. But it's not, and it won't ever be. I will miss you always; no matter what. I will think of you everyday and love you. I will love your sister, too, of course, but you will always be my first two babies.
I love you.
Mommy

13 comments:

Kerry said...

Christy, I get the "oh" comment often, too, and it just breaks my heart. Actually, it more so makes me think people are just really clueless, but hearing it does make me sad. Every day since at least month 5, I have gotten the question if this was my first, and I always give the full answer. I suppose in some ways I am grateful for the opportunity to mention our Hope, Adam, and Charlie. I think it will be harder when we have a living, breathing child (I hope!) in our arms to explain the answer... but I expect I always will give the full answer because the alternative is just too hard for me.

Your words were so poignant to me - "I wish I could have seen the color of your eyes. I wish I had known what color your hair would be." Brought a lump right to my throat (still there) and tears to my eyes. I know, I so wonder these things, too. I wonder if our new little guy is going to look like his brothers or sister. I hope so.

You are close to my heart, and I am so proud of you! I hardly ever get the box to post on your blog (yea for today!), so you don't hear from me much, but I think of you often. We are almost there, and I cannot wait to celebrate with you. xoxo

Rebuilding Myself said...

Wishing right alongside with you. Your letter brings tears to my eyes ... especially notes to "Soph", as I write notes to my Soph as well.

AKD said...

I get the "oh" comment, too. It makes me just heartbroken - I understand it's hard for others, and they don't know what to say... but they don't even try sometimes.

I am sending your beautiful babies all of my love, as well as you. I also can't wait to compare stories and advice with you about our babies - and to continue to share stories about our angels. Love to you.

sara/emerging butterfly said...

I remember singing a song....the only song I got to sing to ears that would never hear... I wanted to sing so many songs to Simon and Alexander. I wanted to read to them...I wanted to play and laugh with them. I hear you....

Michele said...

I hate the "oh" comment. It's so... heartless.

Thinking of you...

Bluebird said...

Hey honey. . . I just wanted to say - I understand. I missed our twins more and more the closer we got to meeting our rainbow baby. I didn't really expect it to be that way, but it was. It's just so much. . .

Thinking of you; wishing you so much luck.

Lori said...

A man who lost his 9 year old daughter was telling me what he answered when he was asked how many children he had...sometimes, he said, the story of his precious girl was just TOO precious for that random and strange person and he just wasn't going to share it so he could get the "oh" comment. I'm a big believer in not asking questions you aren't ready to have answered, but sometimes, your heart just can't bear that apathy. No one thinks you love your sweet little Sophie and Aiden any less!!!! It's ridiculous that people feel another baby makes it all better. Children are NOT replaceable. Period.

xoxoxo

iamstacey said...

I'm so sad that as your due date gets closer, it gets harder and harder. I wish your little ones were there with you to greet their new sister.

Holly said...

I'm sorry you get the 'oh' comment. The least they could do is say "I'm sorry". That's better than "oh" b/c they are at least acknowledging it instead of ignoring it. *sigh* Wish things could be different.

rebecca said...

Stopping by from Stirrup Queens blogroll. I just lost my daughter last week at 23wks into my pregnancy & am having a difficult time. Trying to seek out those who have walked this path & understand the depths of our grief. So sorry that is the response you've gotten when you mention your twins. That is the same response my husband & I planned to give if anyone asked us if we had children, it makes me sad to hear that is how people have responded. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It makes me feel just a little hopeful that you are pregnant again & will be experiencing the joy of your daughters arrival soon.

Catherine W said...

I am so sorry. I hate the 'oh' response, it is very hurtful.

Sophie and Aiden will always be your first two babies. I agree with Lori, sometimes it is just too painful to share people who are so precious to us, so close to our hearts and just get an 'oh' in return.

But those people aren't worth troubling ourselves about really? Perhaps? You know that Sophie and Aiden are always loved and remembered and that is what really matters x

Akul's mama said...

Each of our children have a very special place in our hearts. I promised my dying Akul that I will never love anyone as much as I love him ...and I have realized that I am incapable of loving anyone as much any way. Hugsssssss. Your Sophie and Aiden will always be your first borns...your babies. No one can take their place XO XO

Bree said...

The more I get to know Nora, the more I think I learn about Ella. It's beautiful and painful at the same time. We will always remember your first babes with you, Sophie and Aiden. xo