Dear Sophie and Aiden,
I am missing you so much. It's impossible for me to not think about what life would be like should you be here and not in Heaven. This past weekend was my favorite part of summer-a concert with the symphony and fireworks. Last year I was hurting so much-you had just left us and it was hard to be around all the happy families. It hurt this year, too-I watched all the little kids, wondering what it would be like to have two 1 year olds to take care of, instead of just me and daddy. I planned in my head what I would have to bring with me, maybe a wagon to ride in. Books to read, toys to play with. Your friend, Nelson, was there for the first time, and it made me so excited. He would have loved you, I know it! He didnt like the fireworks much, and I imagine you wouldn't have either.
This summer feels so weird. I hope you are getting ready to tell your sister to make her arrival in this world. I have a feeling you all know each other already. Daddy and I are waiting for her and just can't wait to meet her.
I am hoping that you understand how bad I've been feeling lately having to answer all sorts of questions and know that I don't want to lie. It is a lie to say that this baby is our first. She is not. Sophie, you are our first born, and forever will be. Aiden, you were next. But it just hurts so much when I mention you and people react in such a terrible, selfish way. The first two times someone asked, I said, "We have twins in Heaven." and both times the person just said, "Oh." and walked away.
You don't deserve that. You're too important to me. I don't mean to lie, but I can't take the pain when they react this way. I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think that I'm forgetting you or that you are not counted in my family. You are, and forever will be.
There are so many things I wish I knew about you. As I get ready to meet your sister, it makes me think of how beautiful you were when you were born. I wish I could have seen the color of your eyes. I wish I had known what color your hair would be. Would you have looked like Daddy more, or me?
I wish I knew what your personality would have been like. What would you have been interested in? Daddy thinks definitely Aiden would have loved trains. And Soph, I bet for sure we would have read a lot of books together. I wish I could have read you books.
I'm trying my best to look forward and not behind. But sometimes I just am so sad. I don't understand why God had to take you back to Heaven and not let you grow up here. I'm so sorry that it was my body that failed you and couldn't keep you safe.
We miss you so much. Beyond belief. And a lot of people think that because your sister is coming, that all the pain is gone. But it's not, and it won't ever be. I will miss you always; no matter what. I will think of you everyday and love you. I will love your sister, too, of course, but you will always be my first two babies.
I love you.
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