Friday, June 25, 2010

Hurt

I don't think I'll ever get over how badly it hurts when people don't remember your babies.
I've been really stressed lately about going out in public because EVERY person is full of questions-starting with when are you due, then is it your first, and then tons of advice about how birth will go after I lie and say "Yes" because I'm too tired to say anything else. I act like such a bitch because I just do NOT want to have idle chit chat. Inevitably someone will ask "Are you sure there's just one in there?" which makes me just hurt so, so bad---I am more sure than they can ever know since I had to see a doctor just to make sure there was only one in there this time.
All of that, I can get over, though-it's when it's friends and family that don't acknowledge Sophie and Aiden that I just cry and cry.

Last night we were at my mother-in-law's. I had helped her order a new computer and we went over to help her set it up. So my husband was setting up bookmarks and things on her internet and he kept having to ask her passwords. Well, one password was "grandkids3" (my sister-in-law has 3 kids). She said, "We'll have to change that to grandkids4!" and grinned at me.
Brian, bless his heart, immediately said "6."
And she looked at him, dumbfounded and said "What?"
And so he repeated, "6."
And she looked at me and asked, "Is there something you're not telling me?"

I swear I wanted to punch her in the face. Ok, not literally, I'm not actually so violent, but the rage and hurt that went through me was unbelievable. I just said, "We already have 2 kids."
And I got up and walked out of the room (real mature, I know, but I went to cry in the bathroom).

No, you're right, we've been hiding the fact that we're having triplets. Um, do you remember SEEING your grandkids in the NICU last April?

I know, I need to get over it. Forgive her. Understand that she doesn't mean it. But how much could she really think about them if she needs reminding that they existed?

I need to get it together. I am ALL over the place. I keep seeing twins, the word twins, people talking about twins, everywhere-and I just have to be honest-I sometimes want to pretend that we are still going to have twins. That after all, maybe there is a boy hiding in there behind his sister. I'm a disaster.

38 weeks pregnant now, and freaking out that something is going to happen-I'm tired and soooo hormonal and I'm bored out of my mind since I'm not at work and I am just such a mess. Anyone with great advice on how to make it through these last few weeks? I tried yoga. Reading. Walking.

a;sfkjaslkfjasl;fl. I so promise I'm going to get it together. I'm going to get positive and come back here and post something positive, not begging you all for help.

p.s. I can't seem to be able to comment on anyone's blog for the last few days? I don't know what's going on...but I'm reading and trying to comment?

16 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

I would have gone off and cried in the bathroom, too. That hurts, it really hurts.
38 weeks - my goodness. Just rest up girl, that's all I can say.
I hope your next post has the good news!
xo

Lori said...

Oh how my heart aches for you....my MIL is really a wonderful woman and we DO have a good relationship... and I know she is hurting in her own way too...but the other day, when talking about how much I was still missing Matthew, she said, "Well, it has to be easier since you're pregnant now."

Um, no. It's not. AT ALL. Children are not replaceable and my heart is STILL broken (and forever will be in some way) over my sweet little boy being gone...

She didn't mean anything by it, I know...but it hurt.

And sadly, that's how so much of the rest of our lives will be...those little hurts that no one really means, but still cut us just the same.

As for what to do in the last two weeks...can't help. I was just praying and praying he'd come!!! (I actually was 40w4d before they finally took pity on me!) Matthew was born and died right before Thanksgiving, so it was a pretty busy time of year anyway. Are there any books that you've loved and could maybe reread? I figured to help time pass with this pregnancy, I'd reread all the Twilight books and then just stream the heck out of Netflix!

Hoping for the best in these next few days!!!!
xoxo

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) to you. I would have been hurt too. Of all the people who should know this your in laws surely should.

AKD said...

Oh, sweetie, I totally get this. My grandma posted something on her Facebook after Maddie was born and right before my cousin had her baby about how she "couldn't wait to be a great-grandmother." She held Maddie, and it just broke my heart to read. I don't get how anyone could forget or ignore your beautiful twins.

Sending you love - you're doing so great, Christy!

Jen said...

oh honey..I would have lost it, and probably not even made it to the bathroom..I am so sorry that people just don't seem to understand that the death of our children are not something we get over like a bad cold.. I don't have much advice, just to rest and try to focus on the healthy beautiful baby that will be here before you know it..I'll say some extra prayers for you! xoxo

Courtney said...

*hugs* My MIL is the SAME way. She does not acknowledge the twins because they aren't here nor Wyatt either. I can't stand her and I'm sorry that your MIL hurt you.

Love to you my friend.

Kristin said...

Im so sorry I totally understand Its ok to correct her and run out I would have done the same thing only I might have hit my MIL ;) Im so excited your at 38 weeks congrats and not much longer.

2andcounting said...

I'm sorry your mother-in-law doesn't include Sophie and Aiden. It hurts when people don't acknowledge your children. I understand the twin thing. When I was pregnant with Brooklyn, I too would act like I was having twins. I would even look at boy things. It breaks my heart that I will never raise twins. It is such a special thing.

Just hang in there. You are almost there to meeting your little girl.

sara/emerging butterfly said...

Twins....

The loss is irreplaceable....you just can't try to do it over. The inability to acknowledge that they were, once upon a time is......unforgivable. It's been such an obstacle in trying to answer the question of what I should do. I know I'm not willing to get pregnant again until I am somehow o.k. with the fact that I can't have Simon and Alexander no matter how much I want them. I can only do it if I want someone else....anyone else. Sending you warmth...XXX

Michele said...

Wow. I dont even have words for that. I am hurt for you, and she isnt even my MIL! I am so sorry. I just... Wow... I am glad your husband stepped up and that you finished telling her the truth. Does she think forgetting or ignoring will make things easier? Because, we all know that isnt true.

38 weeks- I am so happy for you! Sending you big hugs and lots of warm thoughts.

stumbull said...

I am so sorry that you MIL said that! I can only imagine how hurtful that was. Hopefully your little one will be here safe and sound soon so you can focus on that precious little one!!!!

Bree said...

you could bake? or is it too hot for that? you could call me for a chat. :)

love your new blog look.

sorry. mil's don't get it. i'm tired of the first baby, first mother's/father's day comments, ect...

soooo excited for you! xo

Holly said...

How hurtful. :( I hate it when people don't acknowledge Carleigh. I'm glad she was corrected. It makes me wonder why people don't include them when like you said she saw them and know they existed. Is it easier for them to pretend they don't exist or something?? Whatever.

I think those last few wks go the slowest on purpose. Boo!! Maybe you could make a craft or make some treats to give to somebody?

Whittney said...

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I had my first experience with my husband's family last weekend since my son passed away, and everyone seemed to want to pretend it never happened. My brother in law made a very similar comment about how many grand kids were there and didn't include Owen... I don't understand how he could say this after he sat in the NICU with us and was there when Owen died. It hurts.

With Out My Punkin said...

I'm catching up a little at a time... ((hugs)) My grandma wants to know why I keep talking about KAsey and trying to keep him alive. I could have kicked her to the moon. WTF some people just dont get it I guess... ((hugs))

With Out My Punkin said...

I'm catching up a little at a time... ((hugs)) My grandma wants to know why I keep talking about KAsey and trying to keep him alive. I could have kicked her to the moon. WTF some people just dont get it I guess... ((hugs))