Before our very first ultrasound (when we found out it was twins) I woke up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding. I was BEYOND nervous, but I didn't know for what. I mean, I knew about miscarriage, but I didn't realize the statistics behind early pregnancy and how amazing it was that we got to see two heartbeats that day.
Each doctor appointment, I would get so nervous and everyone would ask me why-and all I could say is that my heart would start to pound out of control and I could barely breathe.
I had no idea how absolutely lucky I was that my twins kept growing, with healthy heartbeats. That I never had a single drop of blood. That I had no cramps. That I didn't throw up. I didn't get it-I was nervous, but for what?
Eventually, after the "big" ultrasound, when they told me that everything looked great, I started to relax a little. I will admit that if I LOOK for it, I can remember back to things that didn't feel exactly right-but I will say that I never ONCE thought in my brain "Oh, these babies might die. They might not come home with me." Never. How could I?
This time is so different. I have been VERY well aware of all the things that can go wrong. I was SURE I would have an early miscarriage. When that didn't happen, I had severe, severe anxiety throughout the entire second trimester, thinking that my water would break prematurely again. They never gave me a reason for it, so it could be a "fluke" (I hate that word beyond belief) or it could be something that was just undiagnosed.
Now, late in my third trimester, I am terrified of stillbirth. I am afraid that one day I will just stop feeling her. That I don't feel enough kicks (she is a relatively un-active baby, overall) and that when she moves a lot, that is a bad sign. I worry about hiccups. I worry that I have an infection I don't know about. I worry she'll get hurt during birth.
And most days, I can take a deep breath, and I can calm myself down and realize that while, yes, these are definite possibilities and that I know these things happen, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it (short of being VERY aware of my body and what is going on ) and I can usually calm myself down.
And then there are some days where I think---do I have that nagging feeling again? Is this just anxiety? Or do I actually "know" something, deep down, like I did last time? Is it my gut telling me that something is going to go wrong?
Can that even happen?
Or is it just normal anxiety of a pregnant woman after loss?