Sunday, June 6, 2010

Anxiety vs. Gut Instinct???

When I was pregnant with the twins, I was always nervous. I was always afraid that something would go wrong--to some extent. I have to say I was very blissfully ignorant for the most part, and even when my water broke I had NO idea that something like that could even happen.

Before our very first ultrasound (when we found out it was twins) I woke up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding. I was BEYOND nervous, but I didn't know for what. I mean, I knew about miscarriage, but I didn't realize the statistics behind early pregnancy and how amazing it was that we got to see two heartbeats that day.

Each doctor appointment, I would get so nervous and everyone would ask me why-and all I could say is that my heart would start to pound out of control and I could barely breathe.
I had no idea how absolutely lucky I was that my twins kept growing, with healthy heartbeats. That I never had a single drop of blood. That I had no cramps. That I didn't throw up. I didn't get it-I was nervous, but for what?

Eventually, after the "big" ultrasound, when they told me that everything looked great, I started to relax a little. I will admit that if I LOOK for it, I can remember back to things that didn't feel exactly right-but I will say that I never ONCE thought in my brain "Oh, these babies might die. They might not come home with me." Never. How could I?

This time is so different. I have been VERY well aware of all the things that can go wrong. I was SURE I would have an early miscarriage. When that didn't happen, I had severe, severe anxiety throughout the entire second trimester, thinking that my water would break prematurely again. They never gave me a reason for it, so it could be a "fluke" (I hate that word beyond belief) or it could be something that was just undiagnosed.

Now, late in my third trimester, I am terrified of stillbirth. I am afraid that one day I will just stop feeling her. That I don't feel enough kicks (she is a relatively un-active baby, overall) and that when she moves a lot, that is a bad sign. I worry about hiccups. I worry that I have an infection I don't know about. I worry she'll get hurt during birth.

And most days, I can take a deep breath, and I can calm myself down and realize that while, yes, these are definite possibilities and that I know these things happen, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it (short of being VERY aware of my body and what is going on ) and I can usually calm myself down.

And then there are some days where I think---do I have that nagging feeling again? Is this just anxiety? Or do I actually "know" something, deep down, like I did last time? Is it my gut telling me that something is going to go wrong?

Can that even happen?

Or is it just normal anxiety of a pregnant woman after loss?


stumbull said...

Of course I did not have as tramatic an experience as you did but even with my pregnancy after my miscarriage I had all of those same worries and anxieties with this pregnancy. I think it is pretty normal when you go through a loss. I still worry now about her all the time. Your so close now! I can't wait to see your little girl.

Bree said...

I totally relate. I had the same uneasy feeling with Ella, as well. You are bringing this baby girl home! I am so anxious to see you post that she's here safe and sound. xo

Emerging Butterfly said...

So hard to know what you don't want to know. So hard to separate post trauma worry from intuition. I'd be willing to bet it's simply because you know what can happen and are afraid it will---but not that it actually WILL happen and you know it deep inside. That's my wish for you, relax mama...your almost there. Your both almost there. (*HUG*)

AKD said...

I have had the same insane fears throughout this pregnancy, too. I think it's "normal" pregnancy after loss - as much as there is such a thing. I worry every second, and am sure that I will still after she's born. I'm sending you so many hugs and so much hope and love.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh I know. I just know.
Sending love, thinking of you.

Lori said...

I think, sadly, that it's normal...or maybe not normal but common. Universal. I don't think there is ANYTHING normal about all of this.

I think that forever there will always be the second guessing of any feelings--any instincts--any gut reactions. I hate that is the way it will be, but honestly, don't know how it could be different.

Praying that you are able to have some peace from the anxiety!!!

With Out My Punkin said...

((((Hugs)))) You are educated and know what can happen, like you said there is nothing you can do, but pay attention to your body and that sweet little one inside! Thinking of you!

Holly said...

It's really hard to say b/c as moms who have lost children we know of the things that can happen. PAL is bound to make anyone anxious.

Michele said...

It's strange... Everytime I stopped worrying, it felt like I lost a child. So, with Bobby and Maya, it's been hard to let things go. To relax. To not be here. They are nearly nine months old and things are fine, but still, I have the anxiety and worry. I'm not sure it ever goes away.