You should not probably even read this because I am going to sound ungrateful and annoying and whiney, but I just need to vent.
I am in SO.MUCH.PAIN. And it's got really nothing at all to do with pregnancy-I have no idea what it is, but there is a pain underneath my left shoulder blade and it is absolutely excruciating. It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting, twisting, twisting. I'm going on day 3 of it and nothing makes it better. Laying down, walking, stretching, heat, cold, tylenol, it just hurts ALL the time. I can't stop crying because it just hurts.
Today I went to work, knowing that I shouldn't, but honestly, it was a day for extra pay and we could use the money. It was a district wide thing and so there were teachers from all over the district, a lot of people that I know but haven't necessarily seen in a while. Here's my favorite conversation of the day:
Colleague" When is your due date?"
Me: July 10th.
Colleague "Congratulations! Just one this time?"
Stranger from in front of me "Just one this time? Does that mean you had more than one?"
Colleague: Gets pained look on face. "Oh, Christy. I'm so sorry. That came out wrong. That just came out totally wrong."
Me: It's fine. (to stranger) I had twins last spring but they died after they were born.
Stranger: I am so sorry. It's just a part of life, I guess. I think we all go through it.
REALLY? You've been through it? You've held your two babies as they GASP FOR AIR as they slowly die? We all go through that?
Seriously I just try SO HARD to let this stuff go. I try so hard to just deal with it and move on and not let it ruin my day. But I'm in so much pain and I have SO much anxiety about this baby's birth and how it will go and it's all just so much. I've just been crying all day :( My poor husband just doens't even know what to do. And he had to spend the day cleaning out his childhood home with his mother-making decisions about what to do with his dad's stuff (he died last year of lung cancer). He came home sad and nostalgic; he doesn't need to deal with my craziness!
Yesterday we went to a nearby town to have lunch with friends and we needed to get back to go to a graduation party of a student of both Brian's and mine, who happens to live right next door to us! So we pull in the garage and I look over and it's my really close friend, who has been really absent lately (and I have really, really needed her). I was really kind of hurt that she came to a party next door to my house and didn't even call to see if we were going or to say hi. So she barely said anything to me and then had to go. I just hate it when things change and I don't even know why...and it just makes me sad.
At my doctor appointment, she asked me what my plans were for birth control after the baby is born. I told her I wanted to talk to my husband. I asked him, and he said, "Well, how long will we have to wait before we can have a brother for baby?"
I just love him for being so excited. And I have no idea how I feel about it or how long it will be or what I even want, but what I do know is I need a break.
All around, I am just at my end. I am grateful for SO MANY things, but I am just so ready to meet this little girl-I know that all I wanted for so long was to be pregnant, but it's just taking a toll on me emotionally and physcially. Please don't misunderstand, I am still so, so thankful. I just am hurting and so hormonal and emotional. ARGH.