Monday, June 14, 2010

ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Ok, I need to vent.
You should not probably even read this because I am going to sound ungrateful and annoying and whiney, but I just need to vent.

I am in SO.MUCH.PAIN. And it's got really nothing at all to do with pregnancy-I have no idea what it is, but there is a pain underneath my left shoulder blade and it is absolutely excruciating. It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting, twisting, twisting. I'm going on day 3 of it and nothing makes it better. Laying down, walking, stretching, heat, cold, tylenol, it just hurts ALL the time. I can't stop crying because it just hurts.

Today I went to work, knowing that I shouldn't, but honestly, it was a day for extra pay and we could use the money. It was a district wide thing and so there were teachers from all over the district, a lot of people that I know but haven't necessarily seen in a while. Here's my favorite conversation of the day:

Colleague" When is your due date?"
Me: July 10th.
Colleague "Congratulations! Just one this time?"
Me: Yep.
Stranger from in front of me "Just one this time? Does that mean you had more than one?"
Colleague: Gets pained look on face. "Oh, Christy. I'm so sorry. That came out wrong. That just came out totally wrong."
Me: It's fine. (to stranger) I had twins last spring but they died after they were born.
Stranger: I am so sorry. It's just a part of life, I guess. I think we all go through it.

REALLY? You've been through it? You've held your two babies as they GASP FOR AIR as they slowly die? We all go through that?

Seriously I just try SO HARD to let this stuff go. I try so hard to just deal with it and move on and not let it ruin my day. But I'm in so much pain and I have SO much anxiety about this baby's birth and how it will go and it's all just so much. I've just been crying all day :( My poor husband just doens't even know what to do. And he had to spend the day cleaning out his childhood home with his mother-making decisions about what to do with his dad's stuff (he died last year of lung cancer). He came home sad and nostalgic; he doesn't need to deal with my craziness!

Yesterday we went to a nearby town to have lunch with friends and we needed to get back to go to a graduation party of a student of both Brian's and mine, who happens to live right next door to us! So we pull in the garage and I look over and it's my really close friend, who has been really absent lately (and I have really, really needed her). I was really kind of hurt that she came to a party next door to my house and didn't even call to see if we were going or to say hi. So she barely said anything to me and then had to go. I just hate it when things change and I don't even know why...and it just makes me sad.

At my doctor appointment, she asked me what my plans were for birth control after the baby is born. I told her I wanted to talk to my husband. I asked him, and he said, "Well, how long will we have to wait before we can have a brother for baby?"

I just love him for being so excited. And I have no idea how I feel about it or how long it will be or what I even want, but what I do know is I need a break.

All around, I am just at my end. I am grateful for SO MANY things, but I am just so ready to meet this little girl-I know that all I wanted for so long was to be pregnant, but it's just taking a toll on me emotionally and physcially. Please don't misunderstand, I am still so, so thankful. I just am hurting and so hormonal and emotional. ARGH.


10 comments:

Just Breathe said...

No we do not all go through that. As Dr. Phil would say "What was she thinking!" I can't imagine hearing things like that and not flying off the handle at people.
Sorry about the pain your having.
Have you asked the doctor? Really sorry about your friend. ((HUGS))
I will keep you in my prayers. I can't wait to meet your daughter.

AKD said...

"We all go through that"?!? Really? Please tell me exactly who goes through it in 2010. I don't know anyone else my age who has ever endured a stillbirth or loss of their infant besides me, and it's so lonely and sad. I understand that they were trying to make you feel better, but could there have been anything worse on Earth to say?

I hope that you get to feeling better. :( I agree - definitely ask your doctor. I don't think SalonPas would probably help much, but they sure couldn't hurt. I use a heating pad all of the time for my back - I don't know if that would help, either.

Sending you huge hugs, Christy. You have every right to be worried.

Hope's Mama said...

Vent away. That's what we're here for. And that stranger is a jackass.

B said...

Ugh, sorry for people's insensitive comments. Everyone wants to say something to make the awkwardness go away, and they only end up making it worse. PSA to the World: A simple "I'm sorry" is sufficient!!

Lisette said...

People are stupid, I hate their stupid comments. I often have to talk myself into letting it go but one day, one day I know I am just going to burst.
The last few weeks of pregnancy can take a toll on your body, EVERYTHING hurts. Sorry about your shoulder pain, hopefully it will subside soon. Talk to your dr about that.
I can't wait to meet your little one! ((HUGS))

P.S Your hubby sounds like a wonderful man, what a blessing.

Lori said...

Sometimes I wonder if people send as much time after they've said something stupid like that as I do thinking about how stupid it was...I mull over it for hours, sometimes days...I wonder if they think, "Well, that was probably a dumba** thing for me to say, I really feel bad for that person and wish I'd kept my mouth shut."

Probably not.

For the last 4-5 weeks of Matthew's pregnancy, I had a pain that sounds like what you describe. I kept telling my doctors if I didn't know better, I'd think a lung had collapsed.

Then my blood pressure started to go up and the swelling got worse---so keep an eye on it and let your doctors know if ANYTHING changes--hoping, hoping hoping that this eases up for you. So excited to see pictures of your sweet girl!
xoxo

Catherine W said...

Oh that conversation. You should have knocked their heads together! What stupid, stupid things to say! Unbelievable.

Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain with your shoulder. I hope it goes away soon.

Hope these last stretch whizzes past and your little girl is soon with you and Brian, safe and sound. xo

Holly said...

I can't believe what that stranger said. If we all went thru that we'd have a lot more understanding society than we currently do. How insensitive!!

Stephanie said...

WOW, I would have to commend you on your tact and patience ~ of which I have NONE anymore. Really, the absolute cruelty of that comment just makes me want to scream!

I ranted about something similar just today. In fact, I told my sister off for implying that God has taken Amelia for a reason. I have been so quiet during so many insensitive things people say, that I just can't do it anymore.

Praying that you find some peace and pain free days ahead

Bluebird said...

That comment made me sick to my stomach and I can't shake it. I agree with AKD - it is mind boggling that this stuff still goes on in 2010 in the United States of America. . . it is certainly not something everyone goes through! I'm so sorry, honey, and hope you feel better soon!