Monday, July 5, 2010

Reversal

So I have spent every single moment since last October pleading with the universe for this baby to stay IN. I still worked, but I pretty much put myself on modified bedrest during the crazy weeks during which my water broke last time. I didn't lift so much as a laundry basket (and my husband made sure of that!). I took every vitamin I could get my hands on to fight infection and I saw a psychologist to try to keep myself as calm as I could (which didn't necessarily always work!). I drank water by the gallons to build up amniotic fluid. When I found out I had GD, I stuck to that diet that you would not believe. I even bought this hypnosis cd called "Baby Stay In."

And now, I sit here, desperate. So seriously desperate. Why can I not just relax? Because I have read too many stories. I know about babies that just stop living inside their moms. I know about babies that get hurt during birth. I wish I didn't know, but I do. And I wonder if she's staying in so long because something is going to happen.

I just want her out. And it's not because I'm "uncomfortable" or because I happened to pack an entire package of Oreos in my hospital bag since I haven't had a cookie in 4 months, or because I want to be able to sleep on my stomach again. It's because I am so. freaking. afraid. that she isn't going to make it to the outside.

I keep having these flashbacks. Ones I haven't had in a few months now. The major one that keeps popping up is up there with one of the worst moments in my life. Sophie had just been born, and they whisked her away so quickly to the NICU that we didn't get to see her. I was in the middle of pushing with Aiden when "some lady" (who I find out later was the neonatologist) comes in and says, "Sophie is not responding well. Do you want her baptised?"
She is frantic.
I am freaking pushing a baby out and I am telling you that I can't even fully register what she is saying to me. I looked at Brian, who just looked at me with these terrified eyes. And he answered slowly, "No, I don't think so. Thank you."

Later we talked about it. Neither of us could actually comprehend that what she was saying was Sophie was dying. As it turned out, she lived another 8 hours or so, and we were able to have her baptised, but the damage had been done. We had made one of those decisions where we just couldn't even know what was going on. Parenting decision number one and we had totally botched it. We just had no clue.

It bothers me that I keep flashing back to this, but I can't seem to escape it. I guess the fact is that I'm still terrified of birth. Sure, I've done it before, but this will be very different and I'm afraid. All I want is for labor to begin, but I'm terrified. I'm so scared they will tell me I need an emergency c-section. I don't care about having a c-section, it's the emergency part that scares me. I'm so scared that she'll start to get under distress. I'm scared something will happen that we don't know about.

My due date is Saturday. I have an appt Friday and we'll decide then what to do if I'm still pregnant. They won't let me go but a few days past 40 due to the GD, but those few days are insane for me. I know it's ok. I know it's ok. I know it's ok.

My goal for today is to find something to DO. Not just sit around, waiting for any little twinge and wondering if it is a sign of something. I was so glad for school to be over, but I am honestly bored now and I've watched so much tv and read so many books and we just don't have a ton of money to spend nor can we drive anywhere really-so I need a project. I was going to bake, but it's too hard for me to have that stuff in my house or anywhere near me when I can't eat it!

Love to you all :) Hoping my next post will be the one!

14 comments:

Courtney said...

Sending you tons of peaceful thoughts and tons of *hugs*

Kathy said...

Sending you hugs today. Your precious little girl will soon be in your arms. I can't wait to see pics of her.

Love Kathy S.

AKD said...

Christy, you're just amazing and strong. I think it's natural to have these flashbacks, although it hurts. I hope that you go into labor today, sweetie, and that you're holding your little one in your arms at this time tomorrow as she cries, squirms, and sighs.

Just Breathe said...

Wow, Saturday is your due date. How exciting. Of course you are worried and your not alone in those fears. After what you have been through and all the stories you read it won't be until she is out and perfect before you can take a deep breath. I get that! I know if it was me I would want a c-section and get her out quickly. By now I am sure she is perfect and very ready. Keeping you in my prayers and I am looking forward to meeting your daughter. ((HUGS))

Lizy said...

Christy,
I am praying for a peaceful entry... I can not wait to see your beautiful sister to the twins. Lizy in sunny Chicago

Catherine W said...

Christy, just for the record, I don't think you and Brian botched it. That paragraph of this post broke my heart. You loved Sophie and, if you were anything at all like my husband and I were, you were both terrified and in shock and confused and a million and one other things. Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to cover it.

Strange, that balance between having given birth twice before and feeling as though we never have. If the day ever comes for me, I'll be scared too. Wish I could pop out of the computer screen and give your hand a squeeze and tell you it will be all right. Because I have so much hope that it will be. xo

Lori said...

Thinking of you and hoping that your fears will be calmed and the flashbacks will stop haunting you...

I hate the flashbacks.

Cannot wait to hear the next wonderful update and see precious pictures!!!!

Stephanie said...

You are in such a hard place...waiting and worrying...pregnancy hormones and flashbacks...stress and worry. I wish I could give you a hug and let you see the future so that you have some peace. I think the hardest times are when you are waiting with no control. Hope that you find some time to just breath and relax ~ I know it sounds impossible right now, but that would be so great for you before labor.

Rebuilding Myself said...

Hoping along with you ... the weeks right before Kai's birth were the toughest as well. I was terrified. Sending you hugs, can't wait for this little arrival :)

Nan & Mike said...

Please please please be sooooo proud of yourself for being where you are. This road is so difficult, and we have no control which is hard to fathom when nearing the finish line. I do thank you for sharing such intimate and personal feelings with us, you never know who you are helping and relating to...keep your chin up and know we are all lifting you up sweet friend. And I vote for an induction on Thursday, you me and Kerry :) Lots of love and hugs, Nan xxx

Bluebird said...

Ah, what an awful flashback. I'm sorry that's on your mind right now, although of course I understand exactly (well, as exactly as anyone other than you can understand). I regretted so many things about my birth to the twins, in the days leading up to the birth of litle D.

And I remember being so scared, and wanting so much for him to be "on the outside" where I thought he would be safer. I mean, why would I trust my body to care for him any longer than it already had, right? ;)

I get it, and I'm sorry, and I'm wishing you all the strength and peace and courage in the world. I can't wait for you to meet her :)

iamstacey said...

I can't believe your due date is here! How did it get here so fast! You and your precious little girl are going to be so happy to see each other - happy and healthy!

Bree said...

Reminds me of my "Ready" post. You just want here safe. Nothing wrong with that. And, she will be... Soon...

I'm scarred from when my doctor told me, "okay, Bree. She's not alive." I flashback to that moment a lot. Things will be different this time, Christy. Your faith will be restored as you have that happy ending. I'm so elated for you and Brian. xo

Christa said...

Thinking of you! Anxious to hear the good news! :)