Reversal

So I have spent every single moment since last October pleading with the universe for this baby to stay IN. I still worked, but I pretty much put myself on modified bedrest during the crazy weeks during which my water broke last time. I didn't lift so much as a laundry basket (and my husband made sure of that!). I took every vitamin I could get my hands on to fight infection and I saw a psychologist to try to keep myself as calm as I could (which didn't necessarily always work!). I drank water by the gallons to build up amniotic fluid. When I found out I had GD, I stuck to that diet that you would not believe. I even bought this hypnosis cd called "Baby Stay In."

And now, I sit here, desperate. So seriously desperate. Why can I not just relax? Because I have read too many stories. I know about babies that just stop living inside their moms. I know about babies that get hurt during birth. I wish I didn't know, but I do. And I wonder if she's staying in so long because something is going to happen.

I just want her out. And it's not because I'm "uncomfortable" or because I happened to pack an entire package of Oreos in my hospital bag since I haven't had a cookie in 4 months, or because I want to be able to sleep on my stomach again. It's because I am so. freaking. afraid. that she isn't going to make it to the outside.

I keep having these flashbacks. Ones I haven't had in a few months now. The major one that keeps popping up is up there with one of the worst moments in my life. Sophie had just been born, and they whisked her away so quickly to the NICU that we didn't get to see her. I was in the middle of pushing with Aiden when "some lady" (who I find out later was the neonatologist) comes in and says, "Sophie is not responding well. Do you want her baptised?"
She is frantic.
I am freaking pushing a baby out and I am telling you that I can't even fully register what she is saying to me. I looked at Brian, who just looked at me with these terrified eyes. And he answered slowly, "No, I don't think so. Thank you."

Later we talked about it. Neither of us could actually comprehend that what she was saying was Sophie was dying. As it turned out, she lived another 8 hours or so, and we were able to have her baptised, but the damage had been done. We had made one of those decisions where we just couldn't even know what was going on. Parenting decision number one and we had totally botched it. We just had no clue.

It bothers me that I keep flashing back to this, but I can't seem to escape it. I guess the fact is that I'm still terrified of birth. Sure, I've done it before, but this will be very different and I'm afraid. All I want is for labor to begin, but I'm terrified. I'm so scared they will tell me I need an emergency c-section. I don't care about having a c-section, it's the emergency part that scares me. I'm so scared that she'll start to get under distress. I'm scared something will happen that we don't know about.

My due date is Saturday. I have an appt Friday and we'll decide then what to do if I'm still pregnant. They won't let me go but a few days past 40 due to the GD, but those few days are insane for me. I know it's ok. I know it's ok. I know it's ok.

My goal for today is to find something to DO. Not just sit around, waiting for any little twinge and wondering if it is a sign of something. I was so glad for school to be over, but I am honestly bored now and I've watched so much tv and read so many books and we just don't have a ton of money to spend nor can we drive anywhere really-so I need a project. I was going to bake, but it's too hard for me to have that stuff in my house or anywhere near me when I can't eat it!

Love to you all :) Hoping my next post will be the one!