Thursday, July 22, 2010

A mish mash

I have been writing posts in my head for 13 days. Each night before I fall asleep I have to try to process things in my head instead of writing them out-mostly because I stink at writing one handed and I just refuse to put the baby down. She sleeps a lot-I could probably get a lot done-but I'd rather just sit and stare at her.

First, though, I wanted to thank you ALL so much for the support on my last post. I read each comment and cried and my heart eased and I just needed to realize that it just doesn't matter. It can't. Yes, my body failed again (day 13 and not a single drop of milk-not colustrum, either-nothing-the ob thinks either it's hormonal or perhaps I had hormonal issues when I was young and my breast tissue didn't develop the way they are supposed to), but I have a healthy baby that is here and thank GOD for formula. She's thriving and gaining weight and happy and that has to be all that matters. So, again, thank you, and I am at peace with it and honestly, while I would have definitely chosen to breastfeed, there are a lot of advantages to ff, and I'm going to embrace them :)

Other than that, I have so much going through my head. It is completely surreal to have a baby here at home. Each time I do something, I am close to tears for the gratitude that I feel. Things I have envied and hoped and prayed for and begged for. Taking Avery to the store. Walking into her room with her. Changing her diaper. Listening to her cry. Giving her a bath. Putting her in her stroller. Playing lullabies. Trying to sing (I stink!) to her. Rocking in her chair. Staring into her eyes. All of it is amazing. And I am the luckiest person on this planet.

But the past is there. Mostly, it's her lips. She has the same lips as Aiden and Sophie. They both had so many tubes and wires on their faces, but you could see their lips very clearly. And when she is sleeping, her mouth makes a little O and I can see what I think they would have looked like. It makes me both happy and so desperately sad that I am so unsure of my emotions. It's wondering how in the world people do this with twins. It's so hard and I start to doubt myself-maybe this all happened because I never could have been a good enough mom to twins. I know that's not true, deep down-you do it because you have to-but the doubt is planted. I think about how different it would be if they were here, beautiful 1 year olds, helping to love their little sister.

While she sleeps, she makes the greatest facial expressions. She smiles, and I'm sure she's talking with her brother and sister. Telling them how it's going. Reporting to them that we are doing fine and that we miss them.

I, of course, have the "usual" irrational fears of something horrible happening to her. Everytime I walk from my bedroom to hers, I feel as though I might drop her over the railing to the stairs on accident after tripping or something crazy like that. I hold onto her so tightly it's ridiculous. I am SO thankful for the AngelCare Monitor (all rainbow mommies should consider this, in my opinion!). I -literally-didn't sleep for more than maybe an hour a day, 20 minutes at a time while the baby was getting a checkup in the nursery while we were in the hospital. I had to stay awake and watch her to make sure she was still breathing. Once we got home and that monitor was on, I finally got some very, very much needed rest (mainly for my sanity).

I'm thankful that I don't (at least yet) have any symptoms of ppdepression. I told hubby he needed to keep an eye on me, just because I feel like I'm a good candidate because of our history.

I am so thankful to be here, on this side of pregnancy after loss. While my anxiety is definitely still there, I'm so grateful that we are not relying on MY body anymore. That I'm not the only one responsible for making sure she's still moving and how often and drinking enough water and testing blood sugar and eating the right foods. I never thought I'd get here and so many of you had to (and still are) waiting for much longer than me. I'm praying for you every single day. I'm hopeful for you.

I still owe you a birth story. It's nothing that exciting, but I feel for my sake that I need to pound it out anyway.

A few pics? Ok :)


Tina said...

I have often had that same thought since having Gigi...could I have handled twins?? Like you said, of course we would have done it and probably would have done it well. Sweet Avery is adorable!!!

The Fishers said...

Your daughter is beautiful!!! We have never had a loss but we too find great comfort in the AngelCare monitor ~ after many years of infertility our irrational fears run high and that monitor provides so much peace.

LP said...

She is a beautiful girl and I am so happy for you! Yes, formula is a godsend. So nice that she is getting enough food and she looks so healthy! Now that you are past the BF dilemma, you can just concentrate on enjoying her. I am so happy that you are happy and your beautiful girl is home with you! I did suffer from PPD and I so wish I had been able to better enjoy those first few months with my daughter. You are going to be such a great mom. Many positive thoughts going your way.

Bluebird said...

I relate to Every. Single. Sentence. Seriously. I'm in tears over the sense of comradery.

Much love.

Lori said...

Love, love, love how sweet she is!!!!!!

I often have things mash around in my head for days before I can actually get it out. It simmers a bit!

So grateful for you to be able to embrace some of the joy. I only imagine how hard it is to walk the fine line...but glad you have that sweet little girl to help you through.

Shanti Mama said...

"She has the same lips as Aiden and Sophie."

All I could think is that she reminds me so much of you, especially the same lips. How precious.

I was trying to respond to the BF post and I couldn't, but sounded like you got lots of support here! Avery will thrive with your love and formula, not too worry or feel guilty. The love part is the most important.

PS glad you are being proactive about checking for ppdepression. I think we are in a strange place as babylost moms-- both physically and emotionally.

Big hugs to you and Avery!

AKD said...

She is just so very, very beautiful, Christy! I can't say with words how entirely lovely she is.

I feel so much like I could have written this post myself. Alice also lost a little over 10% of her birth weight, and we almost didn't get to come home on time. It's terrifying - we're having much better luck now, but I spent so much time in tears, worrying that she was going to pass away. It's terrifying and heartbreaking. I also am so grateful for the AngelCare - what a genius invention.

I am so glad you are getting so much lovely time with your girl, and I understand the moments of sadness about Aiden and Sophia - we just think, "THIS is how much we loved Maddie, and what we wanted to do." It's heartbreaking and joyous, all wrapped into one. I know they can feel your love, and that they definitely love Avery.

Nan & Mike said...

I am sooooo with you sweet friend, in many of these same areas!!!. Ill catch up with you the pics xxx Nan

Holly said...

She's such a little sweetie. :)

I've had the crazy thoughts of tripping and such too. Especially when going up and down stairs!! The Angel Care monitor is freaking awesome. I'm glad I have it!

With Out My Punkin said...

You would have been just fine w twins! Love the monitor too!!! I love watching Brooklyn sleep too :)