Saturday, July 31, 2010

Bittersweet

Today we had a "welcome to the world" party for Avery with some of my husband's family-I didn't really want a shower before the baby got here, so we waited until she got here.

I was crabby all morning before we left and couldn't really figure out why.

But, really, I know why. It's because deep down, each thing I do with A sometimes reminds me of what I didn't get to do with the twins.

I imagine how different it would be with both of them. How special having twins, you know?

I know this is not fair to A, but I've tried to fight it, and I just can't push it back far enough in my brain.

I celebrate her. But I miss them, too.

I wear my sophie and aiden bracelet. Their necklace.

Today we got home and there was a letter from the county. A's birth certificates.

Imagine my surprise when I open the birth certificates and they do NOT say DECEASED diagonally across the entire certificate.

Actually, they look different overall, but really, the lack of deceased stamp is really a good thing.

Amazing, actually.

I'm so happy. So, so happy.

But I opened the birth certificate and burst into tears as I was coming up the driveway.

I'm sad. I catch myself thinking of the babies. Getting weepy a little more often again. It is just so bittersweet. I love this baby so, so much. More than I could imagine, as you know-but I think we will always feel incomplete without our beautiful first babies.

This is hard. So good. But hard.

7 comments:

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS))

Stacey said...

I love the name Avery! She's just so beautiful and so perfect! I wish she could've known Aiden and Sophie. What a wonderful idea to have a shower after Avery is here. I really like that idea.

Hope's Mama said...

I get this, I really do.
Hope you're hanging in there. Dead babies or not, the first few weeks (months?) with a new baby are so hard.
xo

Lori said...

I don't see how another day of your life can't be anything but bittersweet, even if it is just a small moment or remembrance...you don't have two of your babies with you and that will never, ever change.

I think the thing to remember is that my guess is that even if they had lived, there'd be the little pangs of 'guilt' over making sure they got the attention and care they needed while you tended to Avery. My sister-in-law told me that when she was pregnant with her second child, she worried and worried about how she would ever be able to love him and give as much attention to him as she did her first son--and they both lived! I think it's natural that parents constantly try and balance the line of 'fair' and 'equitable' attention with living children...when our little ones are dead, it seems magnified by a million.

I don't think you are being unfair to Avery one bit. You are loving each and every one of your children with your whole heart, just as any good mother does!!!

AKD said...

Oh, wow - I had this same moment this week with Alice's birth certificate. How can something be so beautiful and hard at the same time?

sara/emerging butterfly said...

The beauty of twins...oh yeah...I get it. (hug) Sometimes we ponder what it might be like to have another baby...knowing it wouldn't be our twins. Or twins period in all likely hood. That was our once in a life time opportunity, and now it's gone....

Yes...I adore my children. ALL of them. But I know that somewhere in time, I was the mother of twins...and I've lost that beautiful gift. Bittersweet...bittersweet....twice.

So glad your little one is safe in your arms...so sorry for your losses...XXXX

Holly said...

I def believe that it will be incomplete without them. I always see the missing link in our family that should be here but isn't.