Bittersweet

Today we had a "welcome to the world" party for Avery with some of my husband's family-I didn't really want a shower before the baby got here, so we waited until she got here.

I was crabby all morning before we left and couldn't really figure out why.

But, really, I know why. It's because deep down, each thing I do with A sometimes reminds me of what I didn't get to do with the twins.

I imagine how different it would be with both of them. How special having twins, you know?

I know this is not fair to A, but I've tried to fight it, and I just can't push it back far enough in my brain.

I celebrate her. But I miss them, too.

I wear my sophie and aiden bracelet. Their necklace.

Today we got home and there was a letter from the county. A's birth certificates.

Imagine my surprise when I open the birth certificates and they do NOT say DECEASED diagonally across the entire certificate.

Actually, they look different overall, but really, the lack of deceased stamp is really a good thing.

Amazing, actually.

I'm so happy. So, so happy.

But I opened the birth certificate and burst into tears as I was coming up the driveway.

I'm sad. I catch myself thinking of the babies. Getting weepy a little more often again. It is just so bittersweet. I love this baby so, so much. More than I could imagine, as you know-but I think we will always feel incomplete without our beautiful first babies.

This is hard. So good. But hard.