29

Today, I turned 29 years old. It was, as usual, a little bittersweet-I mean, I was trying to make it a good day, and it was. My husband got me a Nook from Barnes and Noble! I love it :) We went to lunch (low carb, of course, stupid diabetes), went to see Shrek in 3-D, came back and I caught up on some scrapbooking. I made dinner and then we put a bunch of baby stuff together. I have pictures but I'm too nervous to put them up.

The hard parts were 1) missing Aiden and Sophie 2) being really broken up about Courtney losing her little baby Wyatt and 3) just being so nervous about little Baby A (we have a name, but keeping it semi-secret for the time being!).

Anyway, things have just been getting tough lately. My blood sugar has been getting a little wacky, even though I am following the diet to an extreme-I obsess over it. I've only had 2 or 3 elevated numbers, but it freaks me out and then I'm convinced I'm hurting the baby. I'm supposed to be under 140 one hour after eating, and the other night I ate hardly any carbs at all and got a 140. I cried for like 3 hours. Have I mentioned that stress and negativity raise your blood sugar? I've got to get it together. I can feel those hormones creeping in...

I've let myself get excited-tomorrow, actually, I have a baby shower at school. It's the last week (Friday I'll be 35 weeks and done with school! woot!) and so I gave in and I've actually been looking forward to it. But then I think about it, and I'm not safe yet. I need to just believe that she is going to make it. I can't let myself believe anything else, no matter what happens. No matter what. She deserves my faith in her. It's just that I can barely even read the LFCA anymore, because I just don't want to think about or know what else can go wrong.

I saw somewhere that Sally had made a comment on a post that although are odds are so much better, she really saw them as 50/50 for her. Live or Die. I so feel this. I know the odds of something not going right now are sooo slim. But we've been there/done that with those odds. We are the statistic. We have been. And having a prior loss doesn't mean we're safe.

At any rate, I'm hanging in there. I've got the nursery pretty much put together, and after I see what we receive from our fantastic co-workers tomorrow I'll be going to get whatever other "must haves" for when she arrives. We have an appointment to get the car seats installed (yikes!!!) and finally at the end of last week we met with Human Resources to take care of my maternity leave and B's paternity leave next fall. We decided I'll take the first 12 weeks off and he'll take the 4 after that, so that she won't have to go to daycare until after Christmas break. It stinks because we work for the same school district, so for those 4 weeks since our FMLA is actually used up, I'll be taking a slight cut on some of my benefits. The only reason he's able to take any time at all is because most of my leave will be unpaid, since I used all my sicks days for Aiden and Sophie after they were born.

Anyway, all this planning is good and makes me feel productive, but scares the bejeebers outta me. You can plan all you want, but things just don't always happen as they should. Praying that they will.

Keeping Courtney close in my thoughts...not understanding what in the world is wrong with the Universe...

Wyatt River

Please, please go and send love and prayers to my friends Courtney and Jason. Their third son, Wyatt River was born this morning at just 23 weeks gestation and joined his twin brothers, Logan and Brody, in Heaven.

I just am overcome by the sadness and unfairness of it all. I will never, ever, ever understand.

In the name of optimism

Just wanted to share that we painted and put together the nursery furniture this weekend.

It was slightly terrifying. And fun. And strange. And exciting.

It's beautiful and I love it. I hope she gets to use it and love it, too.

I'm gaining on 34 weeks here. Pregnancy ticker says like 45 days or something like that.

I'm begging the universe---please, please.

In other news, in case you don't have facebook, Bree had her rainbow baby Nora on Saturday! She's here and healthy and ABSOLUTELY beautiful-send her some love!!

I just wish I knew.

Lately I've been thinking so much about what Aiden and Sophie would have been like.

I stare at my middle schoolers and wonder if Aiden would have been funny like that, or quiet like that, or if Sophie would have been interested in art or music.

I wonder which of my qualities they would've gotten and which of Brian's. I wonder what color their hair would have been. I wish I could have seen their eyes. I wish I would've not been so scared to touch them. I wish I would've unwrapped their blankets and looked at their tiny feet and hands. Kissed them more and felt all their little toes and fingers.

I just wish I knew.

I know there's no sense in looking back. In paying attention to the what ifs. What should have been. What could have been. But sometimes it's so hard not to think about it.

I miss them. And it's hard to miss somebody that you never *really* knew, right? In all the books about grief and grieving, they tell you that you should focus on happy memories, reminisce about the good times. Share stories.

There were no stories to reminisce about. 23 weeks and 3 days of knowing they were with me, a part of me, is not long enough. It's not nearly long enough.

I'm just sad. I know to focus on the forward, but sometimes it's just so hard.

Can't Stop

I can't stop wishing.

I can't stop dreaming.

I can't stop being so terrified.

Today is May 11th. Exactly 2 months or 60 days until my due date.

All I can think is-what if?

What if I get to bring her home with me?

What if I get to be someone's mommy here on Earth?

I just have so many dreams. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't wait to just walk her around the block. Take her with me to Target. I want to talk to her. Read to her. I want to be responsible for her OUTSIDE of my stupid body that doesn't seem to get it right.

I want to plan mini trips. Pack her diaper bag. Figure out what makes her laugh and smile.

I have no idea how to take care of a baby. I mean, I know some things, but I have no experience. No little siblings, I only baby-sat for toddlers and up.

But I'm so desperate for this. So scared that I've come this far and that it's all going to be ripped away from me.

I want to see my husband's face when she comes out crying. I want to watch him hold her and speak to her and hug her and kiss her.

I want my mom to be able to buy things for her without me freaking out. I want to let all the people that love me shower her with love. I want all the people that have supported me over the past year be able to share in this joy with me.

I am so scared. 60 more days. How does it seem so far away and yet so close?

March of Dimes Walk 2010

It was a great day :) We were the top fundraising family for our area! The director came to talk to me and asked if he could share our story as the "face of the event" for next year's walk, which is amazing!

The weather wasn't that great, but everyone hung in there. It felt so good to do something for and in honor of Sophie and Aiden. Hoping that even our $2,000 can help another family NOT have to go through what we went through.

My favorite part of the day was right after the balloon release. We watched the balloons float up, up and away-and as soon as they were out of sight, we saw this:

which was literally the ONLY time that day the sun had come out :) I choose to believe that it was a sign from Heaven that they got the message.

We also let butterflies free. I got them donated from a charity organization and it was amazing to release new life into the world on a day like that.

ups and downs

Honestly, I think I should just title every post ups and downs. I just feel like I am on this huge amusement park ride-one second I am feeling so amazingly happy and the next I am feeling lower than low.

Last night I went to a class at my hospital called "Basics of Baby Care." I really went back and forth about signing up for any classes-I didn't know if I could handle it and I thought maybe I could get the same from a book. So, anyway, I didn't think ahead-I just knew it was "5th floor hospital." So I get off the elevator, and I'm staring at the NICU. How could I have blocked that out? I'm on the labor and delivery floor. I saw this picture on the wall of three babies.

This picture brought me RIGHT back, lightning speed-I had a horrible, horrible, flashback.

Sophie wasn't doing well and I was standing by her isolette when all of the sudden things started flashing and instantly there were 20 people standing around. The only thing I could think of to do (and I am ashamed of this) was get the hell out of there. So I told my husband to push me (I was in a wheelchair) and we ran back to our room. As we came out of the NICU I saw that picture and remember thinking my babies would never look like that. As soon as we got to my room, the NICU doctor was there saying-you need to come back, Christy-you need to come back.

I didn't want to go back-mainly because I thought if I didn't go, then it couldn't be true. She couldn't be dying. She asked if I wanted to hold her and I said no. My mom pushed me to do it, and of course I am glad she did now, but at the time I was just so....freaked out.

Anyway, I stood outside the classroom, crying, trying to talk myself into going in.

Then once I got in, of course there was talk of twins and then the instructor said, "I have a treat for you! We are bringing in a one day old baby for me to demonstrate how to give a bath".

I got dizzy.

Ugh.

So, anyway, we watched the bath (and honeslty, this baby was SO SO SO adorable-and I couldn't believe how big and strong he looked at only one day old) and practiced diapers on our dolls and had someone come to show us how to hook up the carseat.

As we were leaving, my husband said, "ohmygosh we have to get STUFF! I need to get that carseat installed! I need to get the crib together!"

Ugh.

So then today I had my first appointment with Dr. B. It was SO amazing. I told her all my fears and she listened-she looked at my blood sugar and said so far I'm definitely controlling it with diet and so don't need to take any medication/insulin, which is great!-she let me listen to the heartbeat for a loooong time-and when I told her about my situation with the class last night, she canceled my breastfeeding class and also got me a one on one lesson on that with a lactation consultant and a one on one lesson about childbirth. I'm still at only 7 pounds weight gain, and my blood pressure was great :)

I just love her. I'm so, so thankful. We talked about picking a pediatrician for the baby, and I asked if we could just use her since she's a family doctor, and she said "Absolutely!" with a big grin.

Then I got a message that our new couches are coming tomorrow already, and we're SO close to our $2,000 goal for the walk this weekend, and my 8th graders were super well behaved :)

So, yeah. Ups and Downs.

Scared and Happy.

This has to be boring for you to read-please forgive me-I feel like I have the exact same thing to say every single time-I just need to get it down.

Thinking of you all,

Christy :)

New but Old

I love, love, love my new house. But the last few days have been sort of strange. I wasn't sad to leave my old house-none of the good memories I have of the twins were there-I mean, I was pregnant there, but somehow that part of this seems so far removed-it's interesting.

This whole experience has been pulling at my emotions. For one, I know we would not be doing this with one year old twins. We wouldn't need to, but honestly we wouldn't have wanted to. My old house was just fine-I mean, it was a starter home/a duplex, and we knew we wanted to move eventually, but we would have stayed. So it's weird to think about that.

Secondly, with every feeling of happiness, there are those moments of grief. I literally haven't let myself have a second to even think because I'm worried that I will break down. This house makes me so happy-I'm ready to make new memories and I love my husband so much-and it's been really comforting to find places for the babies lives in this house. Here is our mantel piece with their angels:

And their table with their memory box which is in our bedroom:

I also received a gift card for their birthday from some of my friends for a nearby nursery, so we are going to pick out a special tree (finally!) for our yard and then we can put their stones and outside angels near it, too.

Honestly, the worst part about this was moving their memory box and their hand and foot molds. I was TERRIFIED I would break their molds-I wouldn't let anyone touch their box. There was one night during all of this that we were "homeless" and I stressed out SO much---do I leave the box in the car, or do I walk into someone else's house carrying my babies urns???? I ended up bringing them in with me, just the urns, but just put them in one of my bags and didn't say anything about it. I felt sort of crazy worrying about leaving their "ashes" alone. I mean, I know that's not them-----ugh. Anyway, it's over. They're "safe" now here in their special spot.

On a different note, in the midst of all of this, I met with a diabetes educator to learn how to use a meter and checked in with a nutritionist. Here is what I find interesting: the diabetes educator talked with me for a long time about how stress can raise your blood sugar. I told her my history and asked her if she thought that could have anything to do with it? She said that absolutely-she'd be interested in my blood sugars OUTSIDE of the hospital since that what triggers me. Now, don't worry-I'm keeping with this diet no matter what and not changing anything, but I've tested 3 times a day since Wednesday and I haven't had a blood sugar higher than 111. You can be up to 140! When I tested at the hospital, one hour after eating a whole wheat english muffin, it was 143. Ate that same english muffin here and an hour later was 101. Last night I ate pizza-which is pretty high in carbs (not terrible, but higher than my alloted 50-60 for supper) just to see what happens and it was 113 an hour later. It's brought my spirits up a LOT because I feel like I'm not hurting the baby at least, and I'm glad to know always what my blood sugar is. Like I said-not going to say, oh, I'm fine, eat what I want-but my huge stressing fear since the lady said "stillbirth" to me has mostly gone.

Well, I am sooooooo tired. I just wanted to send a little update. I'll leave you with a few more pics of the new house :) Happy International Mother's Day :)

The house:

The kitchen:

The future nursery (please, please, please).

oh, and a peek into how "organized" (read: over the top!) I am: