Ridiculous

Right now, I feel like everything is just plain ridiculous. I am ridiculous. When I stop and think-really think-about the worries that I have right now-I feel insane. Almost like I don't even know who I really am.

I'm stressed because our realtor is not communicating well with us right now and the move is getting so close and I'm afraid something will go wrong.

I'm nervous because of the GD and tomorrow I have to learn how to use a meter to test my blood sugar. I'm nervous that I'm hurting the baby.

I'm worried because in two weekends it is our March of Dimes walk and I don't know how I'll handle it emotionally and it's right next to Mother's Day, which I wish I could just ignore except I just love my mom so much.

And, really, I'm stressed about stuff? About buying stuff.

Stuff.

This baby can have stuff. Or she can't. Right? If I have it here when she's born, great. If I don't, great. If I have the stuff and the baby dies, then I get rid of it. It's just money. Right?

I mean, I wish that were right. I wish "stuff" didn't matter. But I just remember how badly that stuff hurt to have, to look at. How badly it hurt to find to-do lists and cancel classes and orders. To take the cribs apart and watch the excited parents come to buy our stuff off of a classified ad. To fold up the tiny clothes and put them in boxes knowing they never got to wear any of it.

But the thing is, I write a blog post like the last one and only a few people comment, and I know that I'm shutting people out. Only other lost baby moms that are pregnant commented. Am I reading too much into it? I don't think so. I worry that I'm worried about things that are offending other people who I just want to support :(

And then I think. I AM RIDICULOUS.

I need to relax. Stop worrying. Try to have hope. Do what I can do and nothing more. Have a shower or don't. Order it or don't.

I think there comes a point when you are worried about worrying too much and then you need to say, WHOA! You are going to make it through this.

So, the things is-moving will go fine. I've got the GD under control with diet so far (at least I think I do) and if I don't, I'll do whatever it takes to keep this baby safe and not too big.

I'll make a decision about a baby shower and I'll order the things that I want, and I will nest for this baby and do the things that make me happy.

And the common thread in all of this-it wouldn't be this hard except I miss Sophie and Aiden so.damn.much.

I just miss them. I just keep wishing, wishing that they were here. And that brings us right down to the point-the grief is always there. No matter what-it's at the fundamental basis of whatever is going on. Whatever you're worried about seems to be compounded by grief. Because it's not only "I've got GD," it's "I've got GD and my babies are dead."

I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I can't let all this anxiety knock me down. I need to try to stay positive. And I'm writing this because I think it will help me to state it and stick to it.

I can do this.

I can make it through this.

I can handle having hope and living with grief at the same time.

I'm so close now-30 weeks.

I can do this.

I can.

Let's Wait

So, we are all packed. Ready to go. Every thing from my house save for the big furniture and the clothes I'll need for Tuesday and Wednesday of work is packed, labeled, and in the garage waiting for the movers. The cupboards are cleaned out and the carpets cleaned and we.are.ready. Just so ready.
I can't wait to be in our new house. I can't wait to feel like something in my life has re-started, something I've been looking forward to!

So, anyway, last night I was sitting in bed with my laptop looking through nursery beddding. Something I know you don't need. It's like the least important thing that you need for a baby, probably. But I looooooove looking through it and dreaming. Dreaming of the nursery. I made a little registry and put all of the furniture that I want on it (white!). As I was looking there, I felt the strongest urge to just...order it. Order something. I was on Amazon, so I also had some books in my cart (introducing baby to dog, some books about birth) and with the nursery bedding it came to like 300 dollars or so. We have a lot of baby money saved up, and I thought....well, why not? I mean, really, why not? I had said I wouldn't buy anything until we moved, but I'm past 29 weeks now, and it will get there after we're in the new house, and....so I got it all ready and prouldly turned to my husband and said, "Babe! Guess what? Look at the nursery bedding I'm going to order!"
He looked at me and honestly, he looked terrified. And then he said, "I thought we were waiting until we moved?"
And I said, "Well, I thought that this was close enough?"
And he just said, "I think we should wait."

I was so not expecting this. It just crumbled me. I was so excited and proud that I was going to take that step-I don't know. I honestly don't know if it was because of the money-if it was because he just thought I should stick to what I said-or if he really still feels as scared as I do. But I was afraid to ask. Usually, I just will-I'm pretty up front communication wise.

But instead, I cried myself silently to sleep, wondering if he was going through all the ways this baby could still die before she is born. I started to hate myself for the gestational diabetes that I may or may not have. I thought about her movement and that maybe I'm not feeling enough and should be going into L & D. Wondering if he had some sort of gut feeling that something is going to go wrong that I don't have.

How can I be so happy and sure one second and after "Let's wait" I'm back into that pit, falling, falling, falling? Darkness, despair.

This is insane. Honestly. I'm pretty sure I read that in your third trimester those crazy hormones come back, and I'm pretty sure that I've got them---

Up/Down

Ok, first the up:

I came back from a horrible doctor's appointment (see below for the "down") and there was a package in the mail for me. It was simply the MOST perfect timing and the MOST beautiful, beautiful necklace from Nan and Tina. It came from Mama Mia Custom Hand Stamped Jewelry, Tina's Etsy shop and is a gorgeous heart necklace with Sophie and Aiden's name on it. I just can't even tell you how getting something in the mail with your babies' names on it lifts you right up and gives you so much comfort.
I will post a pic tonight when I get home, but thank you so, so, so much girls :) Here it is:

Now the down (which is kinda up now):

I had my first appointment with the regular OB on Monday. My peri kicked me out, remeber? Told me how I was just a "normal" pregnant lady now and he couldn't see me anymore. So my initial reaction was to go back to Dr. B, who was my family doctor and had seen me in my pregnancy until we found out it was twins and saw me concurrently with Dr. P. But I had *just* gotten a letter in the mail that she was taking her practice down to half time for two years to work on a big project at the hospital. So, without knowing what to do, I chose Dr. D, who happened to be on call and so delivered our twins.
So, anyway, I get there and she's filling out her info sheet and asking me all these questions (that she could have looked right at the computer to get, but whatev-) and the starts looking at things. So first, she's like, so how is this pregnancy going?
Well, in my mind, it's going GREAT compared to the last, right? I mean, honestly-I have nothing to complain about.
So she says, let's talk about your gestational diabetes. This stopped me right away, because Dr. P's office told me I don't actually have it, but I was close, so I should go on the diet anyway. So I tell her this and she said, "Nope. You have it. And I don't know why you don't have a meter." She then describes all the really scary complications with GD (yes, she used the term stillbirth-which is something that happens when you have horrendous blood sugars that are completely NOT under control-and it's an increased risk, not a sure thing). WEll, I start to get very unsettled. So then she starts talking about how my blood pressure has been high-well, in the beginning. So, I say-ok, well, Dr.P never mentioned anything about that?
So then she says, well, let's just look at how much weight you've gained this pregnancy...
Now, seriously-if ANYone was going to get on my case about weight, it would have been Dr. P. I've gained-ready-7 pounds. Seven. WHATEVER.
So I mention to her that I get extremly anxious before doctor appointments and when I test my blood pressure at home or walmart, it seems to be normal. Also, if they test before and after I've heard a heartbeat/seen an ultrasound it goes back down.
So she says that her theory is that if "those kinda things" can make my blood pressure go up, then the guy that cuts you off on the road, and the annoying middle schooler can do it, too.
I just---don't---agree! I have PTSD! Middle schoolers don't trigger that! Bad driving doesn't trigger that! (ok, but I have had road rage before, not saying I'm innocent of that). So I'm just getting fed up and honestly, a little weepy, and she says-well, wait a minute.
She leaves me sitting there like a moron and goes to get "Jean" who is apparently a "care coordinator" for those "women like me" that have "problem pregnancies", etc.
I was so. pissed. off. She was so annoying-overly cheery and tilted her head and asked me about my "loss" and could she call me later in the week and see how I was doing?

Now, I don't want to seem unreasonable. I seem to remember complaining in the beginning that Dr. P wasn't appealing enough to my emotional side. But this? This was patronizing.

So she went ahead w/out my permission and added an appointment with her along with every appointment I have with the doctor.

I was fuming. THEN they took me in for "28 week" education, which consisted of a nurse, reading to me out of the stupid binder that they give everyone (not really stupid, but I'm mad) about what to look for in "preterm labor." She went on and on about how to know when your water breaks.

AHEM. Been there, done that. Pprom. Preterm labor. It was so horrible to sit there and listen to her read off the symptoms.

So, anyway, I stewed about it all day yesterday and then last night I sent a text to Dr. B (my original doctor-whom I love-who stayed in the NICU with me and rubbed my shoulders while Aiden took his last breaths) called me right back and pretty much demanded I come back to her practice-that she would make the time. I instantly felt so much better! That lady just RILED me up!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, that got long-I think I just needed to type it all out for people that I know might get it, rather than my friends, who say- well, um, she was just trying to be nice? Thanks for "listening". :)

Busy!

What a CRAZY few weeks it has been. I honestly some days just don't know what is up and down. It's been very strange because while I love my job, relaxing is not a word I would use to describe it-and going to work has been my most relaxing time!

Now, I've also been taking it easy, so don't worry about that. Frankly, at 28 weeks pregnant, I don't have a choice-my body makes me take breaks :)
I also have had to be very careful because I actually tested borderline for gestational diabetes. I passed the 3 hour test, but one of the four I was right on the number you have to be below, so they want me to go on the American Diabetes Association Diet. I don't have to test my blood sugar or worry about insulin or anything at this point, but I'm counting carbs. I would like to say that EVERY FOOD EVER ON THIS PLANET has carbs in it. And a lot of them. Yeesh. I can have like a slab of meat or some cheese. And alllll the things I've been craving are very, very full of carbs! But, I know it's good in the long run, and today I found ice cream bars by Breyers that only have 5g of carbs in them...so I was considering eating 10 of them for dinner (hehe).

Anyway, we move in less than two weeks-this weekend we packed and packed and packed and we are getting really close to being on track. We took care of all our utilities and started making to-do lists. The highlight of my weekend was going to Target and finally getting the new bathroom supplies I've been coveting (new shower curtain, towels, rugs, pretty garbage can and even a shiny nickel toilet bowl brush holder). It doesn't take much to get me excited! The one thing that I did buy that made me really sweat was we needed a shower curtain for the extra bathroom upstairs---i.e. the "kid" bathroom. I thought I should just leave it alone for now...and then I saw the most adorable shower curtain-it had waves and fish and a cute fishy rug and fishy shower curtain hooks----and on impulse I just bought it. I felt weird after, but I bought it anyway. I guess fish don't have to mean kids, so we could leave it either way?

I am struggling so much with believing this is really happening. In 8 weeks I will be considered full term. EIGHT weeks. Tomorrow I meet my new OB-finally-I made this appointment 3 weeks ago and I've been going nuts waiting for it! Thankfully, little babe has been moving around a ton and constantly reassuring me that all is ok. When we move, I will be 30 weeks pregnant. This has been my deadline/cut-off- once we move and are settled in I think I'm going to make a registry. And maybe buy a carseat/stroller, and some necessities. Other rainbow moms out there-how do you do this without feeling like you are tempting fate? I know it's different for everyone, but did you have a shower the second time around? I just am getting to the point where I can really feel the hope for all of this coming in.....and my type A personality is tugging at me to make lists and read consumer reports and I don't know, figure out how to take care of a baby?? I did take the plunge and sign up for two classes-a breastfeeding class and a basics of baby care class-for the end of May. They are easy enough to cancel, I figured. I feel like I'm getting closer to being ready for this. I've been actually walking through the baby section at Target (ok, once-but that's a big step!) and it makes me so happy and want to cry at the same time. I think deep down I know buying things can't make my baby die. But...well, you know. You all get it.

Yesterday morning we got to sleep in and I was very excited for this. I did get awakened at about 3 a.m. and this time, not by the dog! I was lying on my side and baby girl was doing I think yoga or perhaps Zumba in my belly (trying to be more athletic than her mom, I'd say). It was hysterical to just lay there and watch my belly stretch and move like there was an alien inside. Being less than 24 weeks when I delivered the twins, I never had anything like that happen. I just laid there thinking, "Oh my god, this makes me SO happy. Just so, so happy." And then I wondered when it would go away. When someone would take it away-because somehow happiness is only short term.

I also, who knows why, watched an episode of 16 and pregnant today. Um, hello, Christy-what are you doing? So the thing is, it was actually amusing-until they got to the birth scene. I just totally lost it and started sobbing hysterically. Will not be adding that to my Tivo.

Ok, sorry this post has been so long and rambling! I just wanted to check in. Here is a picture of me yesterday right before a friend's wedding (can you tell we're moving by the background???):

I look huge!!!!!!

One Year

I miss you more than I could ever, ever be able to say.
I love you.
Happy 1st birthday in Heaven, sweet Aiden and Sophie.

April

It's over; they're gone.
It was a great experience-and thankfully, the woman who was with us knows our story and was really understanding about things. At this particular time, though, I'm really glad to have our house back-I just need some time alone.

I'm going through a strange phase right now. This entire time, all I've wanted to do is talk about the babies. Lately, though, I just don't want to talk about it out loud, with anyone except my husband. I mean-getting support is nice-essential, really-and I like knowing that people know how much I'm hurting and that they're thinking about me-but aloud, in person, I think for right now I've reached my threshold. It's hard to explain, really. But I'm just so....tired. Tired of it all. Tired of hurting. Tired of questions. Tired of analyzing. Tired of feeling. Tired of waiting, waiting for this moment to come and go. I just wish I was normal.
I wish no one had to think about me. I wish I wasn't this broken person that everyone had to think about all the time and worry about and worry that they aren't doing enough for me.
I know you'll all insist that I'm not, but I'm tired of being a burden.
I'm just tired.
I want to remember Sophie and Aiden on their special day-I want to be thankful that they were ever here instead of so sad that they are gone. But it's hard. Impossible, really. I'm just so sad. I'm just so jealous. I just can't stop wondering why I couldn't keep them safe. All of those "WHY? WHY?" are popping back into my head-the ones that there were in the initial stages of grief.

I want Tuesday to be over with-I want to know that I have survived this year-and when I didn't think I could survive a day, or a week-I did, and more.

My brain is having such a hard time with this anniversary while at the same time worrying endlessly about the new life that's inside of me. .

Honestly, all this, on top of working, moving, planning the March of Dimes walk-it's too much. I feel like I'm sinking. I know I'll get through, we always do. I've pretty much proven to myself, that no matter what it is, I can get through (with help, of course). But I wish it were over. I wish it were June 4th. We'd be settled into our new home and school would be over and I could just get ready for this baby and relax a little (ideally).

Well, really, this is all jumbling together and I cannot think coherently, so I am going to stop writing. Just wanted to get some of this down and let everyone know I'm still around :) I've been reading along with you and sending love and prayers and positive energy.

Easter

Last year, Easter day (although it was almost two weeks later in the year calendar wise) was the last day I was pregnant.
That night I started feeling pressure, and the next morning was in full blown labor.
I'm somehow afraid it's going to happen again.

I thought it would be good to have the French visitors here to keep me busy leading up to the babies' birthday, but honestly-I need to lay around, and mope, and cry my heart out, and I can't. And that's hard-really, really hard. :(