is how I feel. About everything. But, especially blogging. I still need to post two awards I got from Kristi at Moon and Back! AND I have to post the hilarious pictures of what Iamstacey sent me in the mail this week.. (thanks to both of you!). Stacey sent me her lucky stuffed sperm, which my dog immediately thought should be his toy, and a stuffed pig in order to honor my piggy flu. You're hilarious! I am still in the middle of my two week wait (towards the end). I did, however, have a progesterone test last week and it showed that I definitely ovulated and for now is in a good range, so that is good news. I'm going to try to wait and see if my period comes-a part of me would rather see my period than that negative test...I just don't know. My sister and my nephew are coming in from Milwaukee tonight and are staying until Saturday morning (we have Thursday and Friday off of school! WOOHOO!!!) so I will be busy with them. I have been reading all of your blogs, but not commenting because I can't comment from my school computer, but I am thinking of you and wishing some of you congratulations and sending any positive thoughts I have toward others. I hope you understand when I don't comment right away :( Last weekend I met my best friend from college to have a "girl's weekend". We sit down and in the first 5 minutes she tells me that, "I asked my husband for a divorce and...well, I've met someone else, another teacher at school. He's married, too, and has a 5 and a 7 year old." I almost fell off my chair. What do I say to this? It was a loooong weekend. I just was so...unsettled, ya know? I know she needs me there for support, but I needed to tell her how I felt and all of that, too. So it was sort of a scandalous weekend and I was left reeling from it. Then more parent/teacher conferences on Monday. At the very end, this parent came up to me. We talked about her two sons. Then, she got close to me, tilted her head and said, "How are YOU doing?" My heart started to pound. I think I said something like, "I'm hanging in there." So, THEN, THEN she asked, "Are you guys going to try again?" Honestly, not even some of my closest friends have asked me this question. I was totally taken aback. She just kept going. She told me I had to have hope. How hard it is. She wouldn't stop. I just couldn't even believe this woman! I complain all the time about how people don't ask me about the babies but then, whoa! Social boundaries! Then today at school, the weirdest thing happened. I'll try to sum it up. -I am terrified of spiders (TERRIFIED) -the kids know this and think it's hilarious -they like to joke around with me -most of the time I think it's funny -today, there was a PLASTIC BOTTLE FULL OF GIGANTIC UGLY GROSS HUGE LIVE SPIDERS on my desk -Live spiders -So not funny So, I go out to the lunchroom and the kids right away tell me they heard so and so talking about it. I go up to her and she says, "I have a neighbor who got kicked out of school but he's mad at you because you failed him last year and wanted to get back at you so he had me bring them." So many things wrong with this sentence. But apparently there is a middle school student out there who is angry with me. In 6 years of teaching, I've had maybe 5 kids get an F in my class. Honestly, it's usually kids that miss a TON of school or something like that. But I'm so bothered by this!!! I know I should just let it go, but yeesh. I'm so not used to this. Ok, well, I still need to clean the bathroom and get fresh sheets for my sister. Off I go!
So, I'm feeling better, which is good. I got a positive opk on Friday, after my fever was already gone. We did what we needed to do. Now, of course, we just wait. Easier said than done, right?
I went back to work today after missing last weds, thurs and fri. The kids were so nice. They would squeal when they saw me. Asked how I was feeling. America's youth is not so bad, y'all-I swear. We spend a lot of time having fun and learning by playing.
But I still hate "work." I think really it's that I hate leaving my home. I want to stay here and wallow and feel sorry for myself. I want to stay wrapped up in my blanket and sleep until I have something better to get up for.
This morning in the shower I decided a whole approach I would take with my husband. When our house finally sells (if) we should get a dirt cheap apartment so I don't have to work. I can just be pregnant at home. Less stress, less sickness, etc. etc.
I guess I know that it wouldn't really make me happy. I guess I know I'd miss it. But I think about it an awful lot. And if I ever talk about quitting, they want to know what I'd rather do or when did I figure out I don't like my career.
Well, I don't hate my career, and if I weren't a teacher I have no idea what I would do...for real. Especially now, I mean-um, hello! Recession!! And I don't live in a big city.
I got into a squabble with my mom over the weekend. It seems like everytime I talk to her she brings up my..well, I guess she's my step-sister only we don't really mix families so I don't consider myself related to her-anyway, she's pregnant. Due in November. She brings this up everytime. Why? I don't care! I just. don't. care.
Last week she brought up that she wasn't sure if she was getting invited to her shower.
This time it was that she had gone out to buy her a gift.
Um, don't care.
Then I had sort of an...interesting conversation with my husband.
We were discussing our trying to conceive efforts, and were talking about if we got pregnant this month, what the due date would be.
He framed the question like this, "So they would come in July, then?"
I think you can see what is wrong with this statement.
I don't think I would have said anything except this is not the first time this, um, freudian slip one could say, has happened.
So I said, "Babe-you do know if we get pregnant it will only be one, right? One baby. If we're lucky. One crib. One boy OR one girl. If we are, you know, really lucky."
He said, "Right. Oh, I know. I got it."
I guess part of it could be we just talked about it in twos before. It's such a big jump to get used to that thought-it took us a while before we were comfortable saying babies instead of baby. It's a lot to handle!
And now we have to reverse. We have to go backwards and make ourselves change back.
All of this, all of this work we have to do when the hard part should be in the past-it's not fair. Infertility after loss is just torture. Changing your mindset is so hard.
Big sigh from me tonight. Glad to be out of bed and plunging into the week ahead, but still just so, so sad.
I feel lousy, I can't stop coughing, my fever is making me shake, and I'm supposed to bd? I'm thinking we wasted a lot of money this month. I keep googling, "Can flu delay ovulation?" because I still haven't gotten a positive opk.
Feeling really sorry for myself :( Celebrating 6 months of hell with the freaking swine flu.
ARGH. I'm here and reading, but haven't commented much. Know I'm thinking of you all!
Too many things happening, too many things coming up.
Tomorrow, October 13th, will make 6 months since Aiden and Sophie came and left. Impossible. They have been gone as long as they were ever here.
October 21st will be the first birthday that my father-in-law won't be here to celebrate with us.
November 2nd is the day he left this earth, exactly one year ago.
2 weeks later, we conceived the twins.
It's all coming so fast. It's all so much.
So many memories, and dates, and things to remember and things to do and work is stressful and I just feel like I can't stand up. Like there is so much on my back, holding me back, holding me down.
I need strength to make it through these next few months. I am happy about trying again, but just know how stressful it will be if it doesn't work right away. I dread that negative pregnancy test (but hope for a positive, don't worry).
Left ovary: one (one!!!!) follicle, measuring 14 mm
start taking opks monday-will prob o mid of next week
once I get the positive, try that night and the next two nights
call for a blood test to test progesterone
So, I guess it's all "good" news. Femara is working, only one follicle, looking like I just am a late ovulator. If this month doesn't work-or if progesterone is low, etc., then we'll have to re-look into our plan.
I am not feeling so happy, though-because, frankly-there's not much great about having an uncomfortable ultrasound to look at your empty (baby-less) insides. I just really, really hate ultrasounds. A lot.
Last night I had a dream. In it, I was working at this daycare when I was in college. I did actually work there-it was at a church in a nearby town. That summer, I lived at home, my parents were still together (this was the last summer before they got a divorce) and I was dating J, my high school boyfriend. You know, my first *true love*.
Anyway, in this dream, I was still working there, but this time I was pregnant. And each day when I got to work, I knew my baby was one step closer to dying. So I'd try to skip work but everyone was making me go-they didn't know that it would make my baby closer to dying. Then I realized that not only was my baby dying a little more every day, so was one of my co-workers. And we had to decide which one of our babies got to live and which one had to die. It got long and creepy and muddled up after that.
Obviously disturbing. Now here's the weird part. Something I, quite honestly, had completely forgotten about. The summer that I worked at this daycare, I worked side-by-side with this girl named April. She was a few years older than me, already out of college, but I think she was a teacher so she wanted extra money in the summer. The two of us took care of the school aged children-took them on field trips, to the movies, outside. It was actually really fun. We really hit it off and became friends.
At the beginning of the next school year, she got married to a great guy, and I was invited to the wedding (the wedding itself is a whole other story cause I took this creepo of a guy). A few months later, I got a card in the mail from her with a balloon in it, announcing her pregnancy. When you blew it up, it said "It's a girl!". I remember being excited. We slowly lost touch, though. She was married and pregnant, I was a sophomore in college.
The next time I heard from her, I got a letter in the mail announcing the birth of her baby. Only it also announced the death of the baby. For the life of me, I can't remember why or how the baby died. I can remember, now that I think back, the pictures of she and her husband looking so sad. I have those same pictures now.
I remember thinking, "oh, how can that be? That's so sad." And I remember doing NOTHING. Not sending a card. Not sending my condolences.
You see, my boyfriend, remember, my *true love* had dumped me. I had a "broken heart." I know we all think that way. I know I'm not alone. But I SO know what a broken heart truly, truly is now.
I am all of the sudden obsessed with finding this woman. The problem is, I only remember now that her name was April. That she lived in a nearby town. Married a guy named Mike. Her wedding was in Milwaukee. I just feel this desperation to reach her. To apologize. To tell her that I had NO idea. To connect.
I have been googling random combinations of things ALL day. I can't figure it out. I mean, this was like 8 or 9 years ago. She probably lives somewhere else. It is driving me crazy!
In ttc news, I have finished my round of femara and on Saturday I have my up the va-jay-jay ultrasound to look at my follices. I absolutely have no idea what that will entail. The number, the size? I don't know. I'm nervous. I'm nervous that this won't work at all. I'm nervous that it will!
Well, we are back from a whirlwhind weekend. We left school early on Friday to go to the appointment at the fertility doctor, then sold tickets at the homecoming football game, then drove 4 hours home to my mom's house. It was her birthday this weekend and we have a tradition to go to this beautiful apple orchard and a super fun pumpkin patch with my mom, my sister, and my nephew. This is the 4th year that we've gone. We got back today and had some friends come over to help us move a chandelier and ceiling fan in our house for better staging purposes. We have had 5 showings in 3 weeks, which is amazing and we're hoping one perfect person will come by!
Anyway, the appointment went really, really well. The doctor, Dr. R, was SO amazingly nice. And-surprisingly and refreshingly-she had read through ALL my notes. Even those that the mfm had made about the twins and thereafter. She said that I am "lucky." Because although I am infertile, we appear to be the most fertile of the infertile, i.e. all we need is a little stimulation and my body does what it is supposed to do. So, we talked a lot, but the plan is:
*Take femara days 4 through 8 (today is day 6)
*Day 12 (this coming saturday) have a transvaginal ultrasound to see number of follicles (just one please, please, please-at least one?)
*If there is one, go ahead with timed intercourse
I feel good about the femara, even though it was $73 for 5 pills (!). It has a 4% chance of multiples, as opposed to clomid's 8-10 %. It has way less side effects. It is equal to a half tablet of clomid, but even with less chance of multiples, so that's good. So far I'm on my 3rd day and I have zero side effects. No headaches/hot flashes. Nothing.
It made it hard to concentrate this weekend. I am wishing for time to fly by. I had a hard time having such a "fun" time over the weekend. I kept imagining myself pushing a double stroller around the Apple Orchard with the twins. Taking pictures with them instead of just my nephew. It was one of those things, I guess. I know it'll happen.
Contrary to the title of this blog, I am a mother. I gave birth to boy/girl fraternal twins who died shortly thereafter due to exreme prematurity and infection after a premature rupture of membranes. I am blogging my way through this journey that I wish I didn't have to take.