I went back to work today after missing last weds, thurs and fri. The kids were so nice. They would squeal when they saw me. Asked how I was feeling. America's youth is not so bad, y'all-I swear. We spend a lot of time having fun and learning by playing.
But I still hate "work." I think really it's that I hate leaving my home. I want to stay here and wallow and feel sorry for myself. I want to stay wrapped up in my blanket and sleep until I have something better to get up for.
This morning in the shower I decided a whole approach I would take with my husband. When our house finally sells (if) we should get a dirt cheap apartment so I don't have to work. I can just be pregnant at home. Less stress, less sickness, etc. etc.
I guess I know that it wouldn't really make me happy. I guess I know I'd miss it. But I think about it an awful lot. And if I ever talk about quitting, they want to know what I'd rather do or when did I figure out I don't like my career.
Well, I don't hate my career, and if I weren't a teacher I have no idea what I would do...for real. Especially now, I mean-um, hello! Recession!! And I don't live in a big city.
I got into a squabble with my mom over the weekend. It seems like everytime I talk to her she brings up my..well, I guess she's my step-sister only we don't really mix families so I don't consider myself related to her-anyway, she's pregnant. Due in November. She brings this up everytime. Why? I don't care! I just. don't. care.
Last week she brought up that she wasn't sure if she was getting invited to her shower.
This time it was that she had gone out to buy her a gift.
Um, don't care.
Then I had sort of an...interesting conversation with my husband.
We were discussing our trying to conceive efforts, and were talking about if we got pregnant this month, what the due date would be.
He framed the question like this, "So they would come in July, then?"
I think you can see what is wrong with this statement.
I don't think I would have said anything except this is not the first time this, um, freudian slip one could say, has happened.
So I said, "Babe-you do know if we get pregnant it will only be one, right? One baby. If we're lucky. One crib. One boy OR one girl. If we are, you know, really lucky."
He said, "Right. Oh, I know. I got it."
I guess part of it could be we just talked about it in twos before. It's such a big jump to get used to that thought-it took us a while before we were comfortable saying babies instead of baby. It's a lot to handle!
And now we have to reverse. We have to go backwards and make ourselves change back.
All of this, all of this work we have to do when the hard part should be in the past-it's not fair. Infertility after loss is just torture. Changing your mindset is so hard.
Big sigh from me tonight. Glad to be out of bed and plunging into the week ahead, but still just so, so sad.