Monday, October 19, 2009

When will they come, then?

So, I'm feeling better, which is good. I got a positive opk on Friday, after my fever was already gone. We did what we needed to do. Now, of course, we just wait. Easier said than done, right?
I went back to work today after missing last weds, thurs and fri. The kids were so nice. They would squeal when they saw me. Asked how I was feeling. America's youth is not so bad, y'all-I swear. We spend a lot of time having fun and learning by playing.
But I still hate "work." I think really it's that I hate leaving my home. I want to stay here and wallow and feel sorry for myself. I want to stay wrapped up in my blanket and sleep until I have something better to get up for.
This morning in the shower I decided a whole approach I would take with my husband. When our house finally sells (if) we should get a dirt cheap apartment so I don't have to work. I can just be pregnant at home. Less stress, less sickness, etc. etc.
I guess I know that it wouldn't really make me happy. I guess I know I'd miss it. But I think about it an awful lot. And if I ever talk about quitting, they want to know what I'd rather do or when did I figure out I don't like my career.
Well, I don't hate my career, and if I weren't a teacher I have no idea what I would do...for real. Especially now, I mean-um, hello! Recession!! And I don't live in a big city.
I got into a squabble with my mom over the weekend. It seems like everytime I talk to her she brings up my..well, I guess she's my step-sister only we don't really mix families so I don't consider myself related to her-anyway, she's pregnant. Due in November. She brings this up everytime. Why? I don't care! I just. don't. care.
Last week she brought up that she wasn't sure if she was getting invited to her shower.
Don't care.
This time it was that she had gone out to buy her a gift.
Um, don't care.
Then I had sort of an...interesting conversation with my husband.
We were discussing our trying to conceive efforts, and were talking about if we got pregnant this month, what the due date would be.
He framed the question like this, "So they would come in July, then?"
I think you can see what is wrong with this statement.
I don't think I would have said anything except this is not the first time this, um, freudian slip one could say, has happened.
So I said, "Babe-you do know if we get pregnant it will only be one, right? One baby. If we're lucky. One crib. One boy OR one girl. If we are, you know, really lucky."
He said, "Right. Oh, I know. I got it."
I guess part of it could be we just talked about it in twos before. It's such a big jump to get used to that thought-it took us a while before we were comfortable saying babies instead of baby. It's a lot to handle!
And now we have to reverse. We have to go backwards and make ourselves change back.
It sucks.
All of this, all of this work we have to do when the hard part should be in the past-it's not fair. Infertility after loss is just torture. Changing your mindset is so hard.
Big sigh from me tonight. Glad to be out of bed and plunging into the week ahead, but still just so, so sad.

9 comments:

Lea said...

I can't imagine the added anguish you face now with having trouble conceiving... I am praying that things will work out for you and you will be telling us about ONE rainbow baby very soon.

2Erica2 said...

I had a miscarriage last year early on in pregnancy, but I SO relate to the issues with the job as a teacher. It is a love/hate relationship with the job. Almost everything you said I have also been feeling. My husband and I just were talking and all I want to do is to quit work, even if that makes us have to cut back in our lives. But then again, what am I willing to give up? Not sure. Would it make me happy? Probably not. I keep saying my prayers for you that you find peace...

Christy said...

I am glad you are feeling better! Sorry about the difficult conversations with your mom...i can understand. it's so hard to relate to even the people we loved the most--we are just different people now.
Hoping you get pregnant soon...
Christy

Akul's mama said...

Hugssssss ... sometimes being at work helps.

Tina said...

I am so glad you are feeling better. I totally relate to the whole work issue. Working part time was a GREAT compromise for me, but then that went away too. Maybe it is something for you to check into though. xx

Catherine W said...

Ouch, that 'they'. I think it's also taken me a little while to get used to one instead of two.

Hope that work gets a bit better and that you can hit upon an arrangement that works for you. xo

Holly said...

Def easier said than done! I am hoping for a BFP for you!!

Kristy said...

You made me chuckle with you "I got my positive OPK on Friday...We did what we needed to do". I'm glad you are feeling better and didn't miss the window this cycle.

I'm sorry your mom isn't as sensitive as she should be. Though I can relate but with my MIL. Two of hubby's cousins and I were due at the exact same time with E and L. When they were both born on time, his mom called to tell us all about it. Yes we were happy for them, but do you REALLY think I wanted to hear about 2 babies who were born on time and lived, when I should have had the same thing? I was so frustrated and upset...and of course she just doesn't get it.

I'm sorry that work is so hard for you right now. Its not about your dislike of the job, its just hard to see that this is where you are right now, when this isn't how things should have played out. I hope work is more of a distration though for you, because i'm sure being at home all day, alone would be really hard. :(

Thats hard about hubby's slip ups. Do you think maybe deep down he would love to have twins again, and is hoping that by some miracle it happens? It makes me sad that his comments have to be about the past tense, and not the present time.

xo

Bluebird said...

DH said to me just the other day, "Do you realize that you always say 'they'?" I tried to claim that it was just to be generic (i.e. not "him" or "her") and I just meant "they" as in the abstract sense of babies everywhere. He didn't buy it.

And I also talk and dream of quitting my job. Do I think that would really make me happier? No, not really. But it sure sounds good right now.

((Hugs)) honey.