Obsessed

Last night I had a dream. In it, I was working at this daycare when I was in college. I did actually work there-it was at a church in a nearby town. That summer, I lived at home, my parents were still together (this was the last summer before they got a divorce) and I was dating J, my high school boyfriend. You know, my first *true love*.

Anyway, in this dream, I was still working there, but this time I was pregnant. And each day when I got to work, I knew my baby was one step closer to dying. So I'd try to skip work but everyone was making me go-they didn't know that it would make my baby closer to dying. Then I realized that not only was my baby dying a little more every day, so was one of my co-workers. And we had to decide which one of our babies got to live and which one had to die. It got long and creepy and muddled up after that.

Obviously disturbing. Now here's the weird part. Something I, quite honestly, had completely forgotten about. The summer that I worked at this daycare, I worked side-by-side with this girl named April. She was a few years older than me, already out of college, but I think she was a teacher so she wanted extra money in the summer. The two of us took care of the school aged children-took them on field trips, to the movies, outside. It was actually really fun. We really hit it off and became friends.

At the beginning of the next school year, she got married to a great guy, and I was invited to the wedding (the wedding itself is a whole other story cause I took this creepo of a guy). A few months later, I got a card in the mail from her with a balloon in it, announcing her pregnancy. When you blew it up, it said "It's a girl!". I remember being excited. We slowly lost touch, though. She was married and pregnant, I was a sophomore in college.

The next time I heard from her, I got a letter in the mail announcing the birth of her baby. Only it also announced the death of the baby. For the life of me, I can't remember why or how the baby died. I can remember, now that I think back, the pictures of she and her husband looking so sad. I have those same pictures now.

I remember thinking, "oh, how can that be? That's so sad." And I remember doing NOTHING. Not sending a card. Not sending my condolences.

You see, my boyfriend, remember, my *true love* had dumped me. I had a "broken heart." I know we all think that way. I know I'm not alone. But I SO know what a broken heart truly, truly is now.

I am all of the sudden obsessed with finding this woman. The problem is, I only remember now that her name was April. That she lived in a nearby town. Married a guy named Mike. Her wedding was in Milwaukee. I just feel this desperation to reach her. To apologize. To tell her that I had NO idea. To connect.

I have been googling random combinations of things ALL day. I can't figure it out. I mean, this was like 8 or 9 years ago. She probably lives somewhere else. It is driving me crazy!

In ttc news, I have finished my round of femara and on Saturday I have my up the va-jay-jay ultrasound to look at my follices. I absolutely have no idea what that will entail. The number, the size? I don't know. I'm nervous. I'm nervous that this won't work at all. I'm nervous that it will!