Thursday, October 8, 2009


Last night I had a dream. In it, I was working at this daycare when I was in college. I did actually work there-it was at a church in a nearby town. That summer, I lived at home, my parents were still together (this was the last summer before they got a divorce) and I was dating J, my high school boyfriend. You know, my first *true love*.

Anyway, in this dream, I was still working there, but this time I was pregnant. And each day when I got to work, I knew my baby was one step closer to dying. So I'd try to skip work but everyone was making me go-they didn't know that it would make my baby closer to dying. Then I realized that not only was my baby dying a little more every day, so was one of my co-workers. And we had to decide which one of our babies got to live and which one had to die. It got long and creepy and muddled up after that.

Obviously disturbing. Now here's the weird part. Something I, quite honestly, had completely forgotten about. The summer that I worked at this daycare, I worked side-by-side with this girl named April. She was a few years older than me, already out of college, but I think she was a teacher so she wanted extra money in the summer. The two of us took care of the school aged children-took them on field trips, to the movies, outside. It was actually really fun. We really hit it off and became friends.

At the beginning of the next school year, she got married to a great guy, and I was invited to the wedding (the wedding itself is a whole other story cause I took this creepo of a guy). A few months later, I got a card in the mail from her with a balloon in it, announcing her pregnancy. When you blew it up, it said "It's a girl!". I remember being excited. We slowly lost touch, though. She was married and pregnant, I was a sophomore in college.

The next time I heard from her, I got a letter in the mail announcing the birth of her baby. Only it also announced the death of the baby. For the life of me, I can't remember why or how the baby died. I can remember, now that I think back, the pictures of she and her husband looking so sad. I have those same pictures now.

I remember thinking, "oh, how can that be? That's so sad." And I remember doing NOTHING. Not sending a card. Not sending my condolences.

You see, my boyfriend, remember, my *true love* had dumped me. I had a "broken heart." I know we all think that way. I know I'm not alone. But I SO know what a broken heart truly, truly is now.

I am all of the sudden obsessed with finding this woman. The problem is, I only remember now that her name was April. That she lived in a nearby town. Married a guy named Mike. Her wedding was in Milwaukee. I just feel this desperation to reach her. To apologize. To tell her that I had NO idea. To connect.
I have been googling random combinations of things ALL day. I can't figure it out. I mean, this was like 8 or 9 years ago. She probably lives somewhere else. It is driving me crazy!

In ttc news, I have finished my round of femara and on Saturday I have my up the va-jay-jay ultrasound to look at my follices. I absolutely have no idea what that will entail. The number, the size? I don't know. I'm nervous. I'm nervous that this won't work at all. I'm nervous that it will!


Tina said...

Hindsight really is 20/20, isn't it? I hope you are able to find April. Maybe try contacting the daycare and see if they will give you her last name if they still have records of her. I hope all looks good on the u/s. I know what you mean about being nervous that it will work. Wishing you the best!! xx

Akul's mama said...

What an amazing dream. Lately I have been thinking a lot about my sister. She concieved both her babies in her tubes and lost them both along with her tubes. She later adopted two wonderful kids and her life is complete but I always think of how insensitive I was towards her loss. I was just happy my sister was safe and never once thought about her broken heart, about the babies she lost and the pain her loss of fillopian tubes must have caused her. I was so insensitive and it haunts me now.

Holly said...

I really hope that you can find April. My cousin's baby was stillborn years ago. I can't remember exactly how many but I was younger (maybe high school?) and had no clue what she was going through. I know it had to be hard now.

Catherine W said...

It so hard to look back on our past actions and realise that we might not have been very sympathetic. My sister in law lost her first baby and, looking back, I'm not proud of the way I responded.

But Monique once wrote a post that really hit home for me, it was about this Maya Angelou quote "You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better." We know better now, perhaps next time we can do better? I hope you find April and good, good, good luck for tomorrow. xo

Kristy said...

You can't turn back time and change what happened - your reaction to her when they lost their baby. BUT you can change the future and you are trying to do that, which is awesome. You want to tell her you are sorry, you want to fix what happened. I only with their were more people out there like you who reached out to those who needed it. You are a great friend!

Bluebird said...

Not only were you broken hearted, you were also young. When I look back at the things I used to deem important. . . I just shake my head. But how were we to know?! Even if someone had tried to explain it to us, we wouldn't have understood.

I get your desire to reach April. I wish you luck doing so.