Dear Sophie and Aiden

Dear Sophie and Aiden,

I am missing you so much. It's impossible for me to not think about what life would be like should you be here and not in Heaven. This past weekend was my favorite part of summer-a concert with the symphony and fireworks. Last year I was hurting so much-you had just left us and it was hard to be around all the happy families. It hurt this year, too-I watched all the little kids, wondering what it would be like to have two 1 year olds to take care of, instead of just me and daddy. I planned in my head what I would have to bring with me, maybe a wagon to ride in. Books to read, toys to play with. Your friend, Nelson, was there for the first time, and it made me so excited. He would have loved you, I know it! He didnt like the fireworks much, and I imagine you wouldn't have either.
This summer feels so weird. I hope you are getting ready to tell your sister to make her arrival in this world. I have a feeling you all know each other already. Daddy and I are waiting for her and just can't wait to meet her.
I am hoping that you understand how bad I've been feeling lately having to answer all sorts of questions and know that I don't want to lie. It is a lie to say that this baby is our first. She is not. Sophie, you are our first born, and forever will be. Aiden, you were next. But it just hurts so much when I mention you and people react in such a terrible, selfish way. The first two times someone asked, I said, "We have twins in Heaven." and both times the person just said, "Oh." and walked away.
Oh.
You don't deserve that. You're too important to me. I don't mean to lie, but I can't take the pain when they react this way. I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think that I'm forgetting you or that you are not counted in my family. You are, and forever will be.
There are so many things I wish I knew about you. As I get ready to meet your sister, it makes me think of how beautiful you were when you were born. I wish I could have seen the color of your eyes. I wish I had known what color your hair would be. Would you have looked like Daddy more, or me?
I wish I knew what your personality would have been like. What would you have been interested in? Daddy thinks definitely Aiden would have loved trains. And Soph, I bet for sure we would have read a lot of books together. I wish I could have read you books.
I'm trying my best to look forward and not behind. But sometimes I just am so sad. I don't understand why God had to take you back to Heaven and not let you grow up here. I'm so sorry that it was my body that failed you and couldn't keep you safe.
We miss you so much. Beyond belief. And a lot of people think that because your sister is coming, that all the pain is gone. But it's not, and it won't ever be. I will miss you always; no matter what. I will think of you everyday and love you. I will love your sister, too, of course, but you will always be my first two babies.
I love you.
Mommy

Hurt

I don't think I'll ever get over how badly it hurts when people don't remember your babies.
I've been really stressed lately about going out in public because EVERY person is full of questions-starting with when are you due, then is it your first, and then tons of advice about how birth will go after I lie and say "Yes" because I'm too tired to say anything else. I act like such a bitch because I just do NOT want to have idle chit chat. Inevitably someone will ask "Are you sure there's just one in there?" which makes me just hurt so, so bad---I am more sure than they can ever know since I had to see a doctor just to make sure there was only one in there this time.
All of that, I can get over, though-it's when it's friends and family that don't acknowledge Sophie and Aiden that I just cry and cry.

Last night we were at my mother-in-law's. I had helped her order a new computer and we went over to help her set it up. So my husband was setting up bookmarks and things on her internet and he kept having to ask her passwords. Well, one password was "grandkids3" (my sister-in-law has 3 kids). She said, "We'll have to change that to grandkids4!" and grinned at me.
Brian, bless his heart, immediately said "6."
And she looked at him, dumbfounded and said "What?"
And so he repeated, "6."
And she looked at me and asked, "Is there something you're not telling me?"

I swear I wanted to punch her in the face. Ok, not literally, I'm not actually so violent, but the rage and hurt that went through me was unbelievable. I just said, "We already have 2 kids."
And I got up and walked out of the room (real mature, I know, but I went to cry in the bathroom).

No, you're right, we've been hiding the fact that we're having triplets. Um, do you remember SEEING your grandkids in the NICU last April?

I know, I need to get over it. Forgive her. Understand that she doesn't mean it. But how much could she really think about them if she needs reminding that they existed?

I need to get it together. I am ALL over the place. I keep seeing twins, the word twins, people talking about twins, everywhere-and I just have to be honest-I sometimes want to pretend that we are still going to have twins. That after all, maybe there is a boy hiding in there behind his sister. I'm a disaster.

38 weeks pregnant now, and freaking out that something is going to happen-I'm tired and soooo hormonal and I'm bored out of my mind since I'm not at work and I am just such a mess. Anyone with great advice on how to make it through these last few weeks? I tried yoga. Reading. Walking.

a;sfkjaslkfjasl;fl. I so promise I'm going to get it together. I'm going to get positive and come back here and post something positive, not begging you all for help.

p.s. I can't seem to be able to comment on anyone's blog for the last few days? I don't know what's going on...but I'm reading and trying to comment?

A moment

My husband loves thunderstorms. He checks the radar constantly and will turn on his weather radio when one is getting close. He's not a storm chaser, by any means, but he does love a good summer storm. Here in Wisconsin, we have had a TON of rain, which is quite odd for what is typically a very dry and hot June.

Last night, there was a storm coming. He came downstairs, where I was laying, with my shoulder above my head and an ice pack on my back, feeling miserable and asked me if I wanted to come up and watch the storm. I definitely didn't want to-I was in pain and crabby, but he just had that look on his face and I couldn't say no.

So we popped popcorn, got our camping chairs and the dog and went out to sit on the deck.

The sky was insane with lightning-the wind was just starting to pick up a little, but was hot on our faces, and the sun was down. We sat out there for hours. Just talking. We reminisced about summer storms from when we were a kid, and talked about when the electricity would go out, and we laughed a lot. Told stories. Asked questions. We sat out there, in the calm-with the storm brewing and getting closer and I kept closing my eyes and just letting myself FEEL.

In my head, I talked to Aiden and Sophie, like I always do. I told them how much I missed them-and I wondered if they could see their mom and dad and the storm that was coming.

I felt completely at peace-if only for a few hours. I felt normal, and safe, and happy. I let the anxiety go and I let myself enjoy a moment with the man I love.

It felt so good-and it was a reminder that these moments are what we live for. I love the fact that there is still much about my husband that I don't know-that we still have stories to tell and things to talk about. I love hearing him tell stories. Really, I just love him. So much. And our life as of late has not stopped that, but it has prevented us from having moments like this.

It's one of those things that you can't re-create-it just is. I have to remember that although I lost so much-I still have so much to be thankful for. I have my family. Some of us just happen to be in Heaven. And as much as I hate it, that's how it is.

ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Ok, I need to vent.

You should not probably even read this because I am going to sound ungrateful and annoying and whiney, but I just need to vent.

I am in SO.MUCH.PAIN. And it's got really nothing at all to do with pregnancy-I have no idea what it is, but there is a pain underneath my left shoulder blade and it is absolutely excruciating. It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting, twisting, twisting. I'm going on day 3 of it and nothing makes it better. Laying down, walking, stretching, heat, cold, tylenol, it just hurts ALL the time. I can't stop crying because it just hurts.

Today I went to work, knowing that I shouldn't, but honestly, it was a day for extra pay and we could use the money. It was a district wide thing and so there were teachers from all over the district, a lot of people that I know but haven't necessarily seen in a while. Here's my favorite conversation of the day:

Colleague" When is your due date?"

Me: July 10th.

Colleague "Congratulations! Just one this time?"

Me: Yep.

Stranger from in front of me "Just one this time? Does that mean you had more than one?"

Colleague: Gets pained look on face. "Oh, Christy. I'm so sorry. That came out wrong. That just came out totally wrong."

Me: It's fine. (to stranger) I had twins last spring but they died after they were born.

Stranger: I am so sorry. It's just a part of life, I guess. I think we all go through it.

REALLY? You've been through it? You've held your two babies as they GASP FOR AIR as they slowly die? We all go through that?

Seriously I just try SO HARD to let this stuff go. I try so hard to just deal with it and move on and not let it ruin my day. But I'm in so much pain and I have SO much anxiety about this baby's birth and how it will go and it's all just so much. I've just been crying all day :( My poor husband just doens't even know what to do. And he had to spend the day cleaning out his childhood home with his mother-making decisions about what to do with his dad's stuff (he died last year of lung cancer). He came home sad and nostalgic; he doesn't need to deal with my craziness!

Yesterday we went to a nearby town to have lunch with friends and we needed to get back to go to a graduation party of a student of both Brian's and mine, who happens to live right next door to us! So we pull in the garage and I look over and it's my really close friend, who has been really absent lately (and I have really, really needed her). I was really kind of hurt that she came to a party next door to my house and didn't even call to see if we were going or to say hi. So she barely said anything to me and then had to go. I just hate it when things change and I don't even know why...and it just makes me sad.

At my doctor appointment, she asked me what my plans were for birth control after the baby is born. I told her I wanted to talk to my husband. I asked him, and he said, "Well, how long will we have to wait before we can have a brother for baby?"

I just love him for being so excited. And I have no idea how I feel about it or how long it will be or what I even want, but what I do know is I need a break.

All around, I am just at my end. I am grateful for SO MANY things, but I am just so ready to meet this little girl-I know that all I wanted for so long was to be pregnant, but it's just taking a toll on me emotionally and physcially. Please don't misunderstand, I am still so, so thankful. I just am hurting and so hormonal and emotional. ARGH.

Anxiety vs. Gut Instinct???

When I was pregnant with the twins, I was always nervous. I was always afraid that something would go wrong--to some extent. I have to say I was very blissfully ignorant for the most part, and even when my water broke I had NO idea that something like that could even happen.

Before our very first ultrasound (when we found out it was twins) I woke up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding. I was BEYOND nervous, but I didn't know for what. I mean, I knew about miscarriage, but I didn't realize the statistics behind early pregnancy and how amazing it was that we got to see two heartbeats that day.

Each doctor appointment, I would get so nervous and everyone would ask me why-and all I could say is that my heart would start to pound out of control and I could barely breathe.

I had no idea how absolutely lucky I was that my twins kept growing, with healthy heartbeats. That I never had a single drop of blood. That I had no cramps. That I didn't throw up. I didn't get it-I was nervous, but for what?

Eventually, after the "big" ultrasound, when they told me that everything looked great, I started to relax a little. I will admit that if I LOOK for it, I can remember back to things that didn't feel exactly right-but I will say that I never ONCE thought in my brain "Oh, these babies might die. They might not come home with me." Never. How could I?

This time is so different. I have been VERY well aware of all the things that can go wrong. I was SURE I would have an early miscarriage. When that didn't happen, I had severe, severe anxiety throughout the entire second trimester, thinking that my water would break prematurely again. They never gave me a reason for it, so it could be a "fluke" (I hate that word beyond belief) or it could be something that was just undiagnosed.

Now, late in my third trimester, I am terrified of stillbirth. I am afraid that one day I will just stop feeling her. That I don't feel enough kicks (she is a relatively un-active baby, overall) and that when she moves a lot, that is a bad sign. I worry about hiccups. I worry that I have an infection I don't know about. I worry she'll get hurt during birth.

And most days, I can take a deep breath, and I can calm myself down and realize that while, yes, these are definite possibilities and that I know these things happen, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it (short of being VERY aware of my body and what is going on ) and I can usually calm myself down.

And then there are some days where I think---do I have that nagging feeling again? Is this just anxiety? Or do I actually "know" something, deep down, like I did last time? Is it my gut telling me that something is going to go wrong?

Can that even happen?

Or is it just normal anxiety of a pregnant woman after loss?

School's OUT!!!!!!

Ok, so last year I was very excited for school to be out because I was at home, alone, grieving, and more than anything I needed Brian to be home with me. It was the loneliest, saddest time I've ever experienced and waiting for school to be done was excruciating.

This year, it was more like a milestone for us. I have to say that I feel like I have been pregnant forever. I mean, there were 6 months in between, but I just feel like this pregnancy has been forever. There's just a month to go, but I think (read: hope) that month will go quickly now that school is over. I just am so glad that I have this next month at home to hang out with my husband, get ready for the baby, put finishing touches on the house and relax. And I pretty much don't sleep anymore, so it'll be nice to be able to just get up in the night when I can't sleep instead of lying there trying to pretend like I can fall back asleep. And then I can nap during the day :)

I had my 35 week doctor appointment today. Blood pressure good. Weight gain 7 pounds total since the beginning of pregnancy. Blood sugars good. Measuring exactly 35 weeks. She found the heartbeat on the doppler instantly, which is glorious. Filled out a "birth plan" (which is kind of a joke to me-how about the plan is have the baby born healthy and I don't care at ALL how that happens) and pre-registered for the hospital.

This is nuts. It feels so close and so far.

Oh, and here's a picture for you of my loot :) We were seriously SPOILED by our co-workers---and my fur-baby, Louis, is seriously jealous.