Unsure

Right now, I am so very unsure about everything.
I got very good news on Friday. This good news puts me in so many places-happy that I got it, grateful for it, excited-but at the same time I'm not very ready to believe it and it also makes me feel guilty for hearing it when so many of you are struggling so much. I guess, the thing is-I need to just be thankful for good news, believe it as much as I can-and let that hope sit within me to help me through. I think it's good to be hopeful. I think having some of this anxiety go away would be good.
But letting my guard down and saying-oh, everything is going to be perfect-is not really an option right now. I would feel so foolish to let myself go there again!
Anyway, an update, I suppose:
Went to the peri on Friday. He measured my cervix for the 4th time-he's been doing it every 2 weeks, I am 25 weeks at this point. It was over 4.17, so really quite good. He pushed down hard and it didn't budge. I had the BEST. sonographer. EVER this time-she was so nice and thoughtful and as soon as Dr. P left she took out the "dildo cam" and said, "Hey, since you had to go through that, do you want a peek at your baby?" I was SO excited-Brian was there, too, so he go to see. She was squirming around like crazy-she's currently breech, but supposedly she has plenty of time to change.
Then we had our normal appt with Dr. P. He said that we are stopping the ultrasounds-everything looks great. Then he said, "We need to change gears here and stop talking about premature birth and start talking about normalcy, because that is what we are dealing with. You need to start thinking full term."
My heart started pounding and my ears were doing this weird buzzing thing-I know this is good, but I knew what was next. Yep, he broke up with me. He said that he wanted me to pick a regular OB to see for the rest of the pregnancy. He'd love to keep me, but I would be taking up precious appointment time that ladies that really need it couldn't get. I understand-I totally, totally do-but I am so scared!
Then, he said-in his usual Dr. P way, "Well, hey, maybe you'll get lucky and get hypertension or something and then you'll be back!"
Ha, ha.
Anyway, I really had no OB to go to-I saw a fam practice doctor before the twins, so I picked the only name I could think of, which is a woman doctor who happened to be on call the day I delivered the twins. She was very kind and at least she'd know my story and had delivered my other two babies.
So, I guess, that's it-no more high risk pregnancy for me.
This is such a weird feeling. He told me it would happen and that he thought it would. But I guess I always in the back of my mind thought something would go wrong. At one of these appointments, my cervix would have shortened drastically or whatever. But, in reality, he just thinks it was an infection that caused my pprom.
A god damned infection. Killed my babies. I will never get over this.
Tomorrow, the 29th, will make a year ago that I went to bed, rolled over, and my water broke. I hate this day. I dread this day. My anxiety is mounting and I want to sleep the day away.

Wednesday, our French visitors come so I am going to be super busy and probably away from here-I'll read at school when I can, but if I don't comment a lot, know that I am reading and thinking of you. I'm sure I'll make the time to do it whenever I can. Today I went and got $200 worth of groceries. It's so fun but nervewracking to cook for someone from a different country-ahhhhhhhhhh!

I know I don't deserve it, but please keep us in your thoughts still. There's so much time for something to go wrong and while I am thinking SO positively, I'm still terrified (which I know is stupid).

Love and hugs!
xoxo

The "Old Christy"

So, yesterday I sent an e-mail to my friends at work talking about our plans for Thursday night (to see a chick flick and go to dinner) and one of the replies said, "Can I just say that I am SO glad to see our old Christy back!?"

Wait, what?

This sent me reeling. What does this mean? I re-read the e-mail a bunch of times. How am I back? What did I do or say? Can the old Christy really ever come back? Why does this bother me?

It sends me back to what I've known now for a while-nothing can please me. You can't win with me.

Saying this gets me all up in a tizzy. But what do I want her to say? "You have turned into this depressed scrooge and I like it that way."?

What do I want? This is the question that was rolling around in my head all day, and all night last when I couldn't sleep. I actually stayed home from work today, just for a mental health day and to catch up on sleep. I don't really have enough sick days to do this because I used them all on my "fake" maternity leave last year. But everything has been so overwhelming and with the French students coming next Wednesday, I just felt like I needed a day. Well, you guys understand, so anyway. What do I want?

I want the things that everyone else gets. I want to carry this baby to term and when it gets close I want to do all sorts of crazy wives tales to help convince her to come out. I want to pack my hospital bag with fun stuff and not plan what I'll do this time if she dies. I want to lie awake with my husband counting contractions trying to figure out when to go to the hospital. I want our moms to sit in the waiting room with smiles on their face instead of tears.
I want a baby shower. I want to roll around in beautiful, tiny little pink girl things. I want to sit in her beautiful room, made just for her, and putz around with baby things. Hang tiny little outfits on cute little hangers. Arrange her room so it is just. so.

I want to have a child. I want to take her with me everywhere I go. I want to get to know her and figure out her moods and I want her to need me like I need my mom. I want to help her grow up. Take her places. Help her see the world and figure things out. Help her with her homework and remind her that most boys are not worth it. Hold her hand while she cries, laugh with her, and yell with her.

I want to buy her a cute, frilly swimsuit and flipflops and take her swimming.

I want to read her my favorite books.

I want. I want. I want. I want.

So much. Really I know that that first part doesn't matter-it's the healthy baby part that is going to get me what I REALLY want. What bugs me is how hard it is for us to get it and how easy (it seems anyway) for others.

I'm so tired of wanting. I'm so tired of being patient. I'm so tired of just being this. Dead Baby(ies) Mom.

And I am not the old Christy. I'm little bits of her, and little bits of this new me, all rolled into one.

I think this all probably makes me sound whiny and selfish, so I will stop. Sigh.

Prayers/Positive Energy Requested

Please send your love to Bree. She's in the hospital now with some nasty contractions and fighting hard to keep her rainbow baby cooking as long as she can! She also just passed her little Ella's birthday, so March is a really hard month for her.
Please keep Bree, Ella, and baby in your thoughts!!!!

Trust

I don't trust.
I don't trust even myself.
Right now I want SO badly to trust my body. To trust that it will do what it is supposed to do.
To trust that this baby will get to come home alive and live with me.

But it's so hard to trust when you've seen it all go bad.

Tomorrow I will be 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. The day I delivered the twins. It seems surreal. I can't believe that while I'm counting down the days now to one year since they were born, I'm counting UP the days of this pregnancy.

I've said before that it seems absolutely ridiculous to be worried about this day. To think that something tragic will happen again at 23.3. It doesn't make sense.

On the other hand, I find it very...unsettling that I have a very good idea of what this baby inside of me looks like right now.

I don't trust myself. I can't. But I have to keep believing. Keep believing that I will make it one more day, and then the next, and then the next.

And hopefully the next.

Randomness

*I wonder if Bluebird has had her baby yet!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

*Tomorrow will be ELEVEN months since Sophie and Aiden were born. I can't believe it. There are so many emotions rushing through me that for once I can't even seem to write them out. It's insane. I just cannot believe it. I am having a lot of trouble with the bitter and the sweet right now of remembering my beautiful babies and finding hope for the one inside right now.

*I had a doctor's appointment...and I am 23 weeks!!!!! This is a huge deal because according to my hospital, this is viability. Next goal, 24 weeks, then 28.

*My cervix is still measuring over 4 inches long, even when they simulate a contraction, so that's great news. They'll measure it one last time in 2 weeks to make sure and then they'll be satisfied.

*We found a house, put an offer, and they accepted! We are officially moving on April 30th!

*I will leave you with a picture of my daughter, who is apparently an acrobat!!!! and she did NOT get that from me :)

Strange

So, almost immediately after the twins were born and died, I wanted to move. Our house was a starter home anyway, a duplex, and we didn't want to stay there forever, but once we were pregnant we didn't really have the money since we were having twins! And after I took the nursery back down, I just hated our house even more.

I had some important memories in this house-specifically those relating to my father-in-law (he passed away right before the babies were conceived) and of course us beginning our marriage, and working together to make it a home, and the pregnancy with the twins. BUt mostly, I hated it.

I know I can't run away from the pain-moving isn't going to help that. But I wanted to just get out. So last May we put our house on the market. Since then, we have lowered our asking price significantly, and have had SO many showings-and each time, I'd get a little excited-(this'll be the one!) and then the phone call or the e-mail would come saying they were not interested, there were too many stairs, they did not like the location, whatever. That burning feeling of disappointment that we are all too, unfortunately, aware of.

Then on Thursday we had a showing and the people wanted to come back. They came back Saturday and then they put in an offer!!! but the offer was really low :( So we countered back pretty firm, and I spent all of Monday worrying that we had chased our only potential buyer away, and then Monday night our realtor was at our door with flowers and sparkling grape juice telling us that they had ACCEPTED OUR OFFER.

This is strange.
I am SO excited. Tonight we get to go house hunting with the purpose of actually choosing one to start the next chapter of our life in.

But it feels like it has been SO long since something I have been waiting for and wishing for and praying for actually happened.

The year before we conceived the twins was full of dealing with my father-in-law's cancer and infertility. Then death. Wishing, praying, more death.

Littler things like hubby's board scores-more disappointment. Work stress.

I almost don't know what to do. Don't know what to feel. I can't remember the last time I was prompted to actually GRIN! To realize that something had gone right!

It's strange. To be 28 years old and feel like all I can remember is disappointment. I try to think back about feelings of pure joy-getting my first job, B proposing, all of those amazing things. But it's like they're lost in the grief and the sadness and the disappointment. That makes me sad.

Last night, B was also able to feel our baby girl kick from the outside. Seeing that grin on his face melts me to pieces. I'm so scared for him. I am responsible and if something bad happens, I just want to protect him. I think a lot that if he hadn't married me he might have found someone more fertile and wouldn't know this pain of baby loss.

It's just strange. All these feelings at once. But excitement? It's like a new feeling that I've never felt before. I like it, but it makes me nervous.

So, anyway, we are closing on this house on April 30th. We will spend the babies birthday in the only house they ever lived in, then we will pack up and go somewhere new. I'm ok with that. They'll be coming with us-in the only way that they can, right? They'll be in our hearts. :)

On the brink

..of something.
What, I don't know.
I'm actually posting from work today-something I never do but my brain is in the clouds. I've felt on the verge of tears ALL day today-for no particular reason except that's where I am.
I'm exhausted. Emotionally, physically.
This week I made my schedule exceptionally busy. Tuesday was 21.3 weeks pregnant for me, which was the time gestationally that my water broke. I don't know why this seemed so significant to me, but I just couldn't wait to get past it. Next week I will be 23 weeks, then, which is what my hospital considers viability. Lots of milestones coming up-ones I really, really hope to pass through with flying colors.
Last week at my doctor's appointment, they measured my cervix again and my doctor said something along the lines of, "You appear to have the world's longest cervix."
He went on to tell me that (he could be wrong, of course) but he thinks I will go overdue with this baby.
I can't put my finger on really why, but I have been angry about this ever since.
How does he KNOW? He doesn't. So why say it?
I don't know. I truly am ridiculous. Nothing he can say will make me happy, I guess. I'm unreasonable!
We are stressed out at my house. We've had a ton of house showings lately (which is good, but....) which mean we have to clean all the time and get the dog out and randomly go drive around. B is finishing up his boards again and we are going to the library every weekend to work on them. In less than a month we have 13 French students and one adult coming to have an 11 day homestay in our (relatively) small town. The teachers stays with us and while I absolutely LOVE her, it's a lot of work and having a guest for that long is somewhat uncomfortable and they'll leave right before the babies' birthday and I'm worried about not getting that planned. I'm planning a March of Dimes walk in May, too, in honor of the babies and we're raising all sorts of money, but I'm trying to figure out who will stay where (since most of my family lives away from me). I could give all this up, but it's what I WANT to do.
I think probably this is why I'm on the verge of tears all the time. But then I think, all of that stress is normal stress, I can handle that-it's that nagging thought in the back of my mind that something is going to happen before this baby has a chance at life (outside of the womb, I mean). I'm just so scared.
I guess that's it. I'm just so scared.
That's nothing new, is it??