Well, we have a "plan."

So, I write the word plan and have that crazy person laugh in my head-because, really-I'm such a planner, and let's be honest-plans don't really seem to work out EVER the way you want them to. There's a quote that says, "When you're out making plans, life happens." Yep, pretty much.

That said, I have to take control over what I can, so!

I went to see Nancy this morning. She was great. She, SHOCKINGLY, read my CHART before she came in! So she actually knew that since I had seen her last I had lost twins. It's just amazing what reading someone's info can do. So I didn't even have to tell the story and get all weepy, which was fantastic. She still said she was sorry, asked their names, talked about it a little.

I told her that I had decided not to take the birth control that had been prescribed to me-she said that was a great idea. I said that we are not going to start trying until October-that's what the peri told me, and that's what we'll do. I don't want to take even the slightest increase in risk for miscarriage. I asked her my two main questions: am I a candidate for metformin, and could I take clomid but then have a vag. ultrasound to make sure that it's not twins.

So, we discussed pcos a little more. She feels very hopeful that the clomid worked at the lowest dosage the first time around. However, that also helped me to conceive twins.

So, here's the plan.

1. Begin metformin now to see what it does to my cycles. I can use the time between now and October to see if it will help me regulate them at all. I've had two menses since I gave birth-one 6 weeks postpartum, and one 45 days after that.

2. In October, if metformin has been working to give me a cycle of 35 days or less, I give up the condoms, start ttc and using opks.

If metformin, hasn't been doing anything, I will try clomid. We'll start out, actually, with 25 mg of clomid, which is half a tablet. Then I will have to go to the fertility clinic to have a vaginal ultrasound to see how many follicles I have, and what their quality is. The sucky thing about this is that insurance doesn't cover anything in the fertility route. We'll have to see if there's some other reason to have that ultrasound.

When (if) I get a BFP, they'll test my progesterone levels to make sure they are ok (they were great the first time, at least) and then transfer me to the peri.

3. I am going to make an appt with my high risk doctor for before school starts to have a pap, a checkup, and really discuss what the plan for my next pregnancy will be. I want to discuss extra vitamin c and e (to help strengthen the membrane), cranberry and probiotics to ward off infection, biweekly cervical checks, and the possibility of p17 shots.

So, basically, we have a plan. I'm glad to take the metformin-if it were to work to regulate my cycles I'd be deliriously happy because there is not an increased risk of multiples with it. However, I am not putting my money on it, simply because I seem to have terrible luck and be on the wrong side of statistics.

It feels good to have a plan, to at least know what we are going to do. But trying to believe that there will be a living child, a baby at the end of this doesn't seem possible in any part. Yesterday was exactly 3 months since the babies died and it still just seems so surreal. I have been moping around. Making myself do the things I love to do, like bike riding. I've been crying a little more. I've been sad and down. I'm overwhelmed with all the work I have to do to get ready for the next school year and I have a lot of anxiety about returning.

I'm scared.