Sunday, July 12, 2009


So, Tuesday I have an appointment with Nancy, the, well, what is she? A nurse practitioner? Anyway, she is the lady from the women's center (the step before visiting the actual fertility clinic) who gave me the clomid that helped to conceive the twins and diagnosed me with pcos. I made it on a whim a few weeks ago, my reasoning being that we can start trying again in October and I wanted to have as many facts gathered before then. Also, if I need to see an RE I want to know now so I can get an appt. I want to find out a few things-my main question being is there any way to take clomid and be sure that I will not conceive multiples-i.e. take the clomid but before beginning timed intercourse make sure that there is only one...I don't know, follicle? Is that even a word? Obviously I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM EVEN TALKING ABOUT.
Tonight, I decided it would be a GREAT idea to do a little more research on pprom, premature rupture of membranes. I've seen everything there is out there to see already. This is just not great. I am scared out of my mind.
How do you do it?
How do you take the risk?
I know the outcome is so worth the risk, but seriously-the thought-even the passing thought- of losing another child is crippling. It bends me in half. Of course it does.
Every article says "The rate of recurrence of pprom is 21-32%." WHAT?
They all say, "We basically have NO CLUE as researches and scientists and doctors what even really causes pprom---we tell a lot of people it's a fluke. Others we tell it will definitely happen again. Some people we give a cerclage. Others p17 shots. We'll watch your cervix, only it probably wasn't the problem. One thing you can do is not smoke while you're pregnant."
Um, ok. Check. Got that one covered.
This is so maddening.
I was pregnant with twins-a multiple pregnancy causes your uterus to be gigantic early on, so it can cause your membrane to rupture early.
I had a horrible infection-the one that almost killed me and killed both of the babies-but no one can tell me if that infection caused my water to break, or if staying pregnant for 2 weeks after my water broke is what brought on the infection.
Can that infection happen again? Who knows! My doc says that it's a rare thing to happen, and since I had the infection, there's an even less of a chance. I don't know if what I just typed is a real sentence.
I am terrified to have twins again.
All I want in the world is to have twins again.
I need to make sure I don't have twins again.
Is there a way I can make sure that it is twins again?

How do you do this? Seriously?


Catherine W said...

"I am terrified to have twins again.
All I want in the world is to have twins again.
I need to make sure I don't have twins again.
Is there a way I can make sure that it is twins again?"

I've had this thought too Christy. I don't know how to do this either. xx

Tina said...

Me too...I so want to have twins again, but it also terrifies me to think about having twins again. (My twins were spontaneous, so the chances are slim, but I still think about it.) I hope you get some answers at your appt. Thinking of you.

Rachel said... too. Multiples make me envious, but I would never want to try or be able to carry them. But I am so jealous of those that have them. It just is a no win situation for us multiple loss mommies. Awful place to be in and awful feeling to have. HUGS.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you have made so many huge, positive steps just since I started reading your blog! Look at you, researching for future pregnancies! Of course you'll be scared. You'll be nervous the whole pregnancy, I would think. I'm so sorry that all you've been through will probably make it hard to enjoy the experience. You're so brave to even be looking into it, to be getting ready for October already!

They can monitor your ovaries and search for follicles. If you end up with too many follicles, they can always cancel that cycle (not do the b/d or IUI). But not all the follicles will have a mature egg in them - I'm not sure how they could be sure you'd only have 1 unless you did IVF. I bet the RE will be able to tell you so much more on your first visit.

Kristy ~ said...

I stumbled across your blog tonight. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. I have been there, and it sucks.

I too got pregnant with multiples on Clomid - triplets, but we lost our identicals at 13-14 weeks. Regardless, I know your fear and desire for wanting to be a mom of multiples on earth. But living with your fear of dealing with a multiples pregnancy.

A future pregnancy IS so scary, but the odds are in your favour that things won't go wrong again. And at the end of 9 months, you will be holding a beautiful baby in your arms. You need to think positive, until told otherwise.


Hope's Mama said...

Just found your blog and I'm so deeply sorry for the loss of precious Sophie and Aiden. I'll keep you and your babies in my thoughts.
I also lost my daughter to an infection after prolonged rupture of membranes (though at full term) so I can appreciate your confusion and worry about whether this will happen again.

Laura said...

I conceived twins 'naturally' and then later had difficulty getting pregnant and the option of clomid was given to me- I was SCARED TO DEATH! I lost one of my twins to a cord accident at 39 weeks and felt like if there had been one perhaps I would notice a decrease in movement... anything but since his brother was fine- that didn't happen...
My doctor told me that the dosage (I don't rememember what it was now but I'm guessing it was on the lower end...) would not increase my chance of twins- I just wanted to be pregnant again so badly- I took it and did get pregnant and with a SINGLETON!!!
Either way- I think that getting pregnant again after a loss is just scary- twins scarier in our case- but either way- you will always wonder what is going on and question everything (at least I did...)
I hope that you have success and a healthy baby (or babies) in your arms sooner than later. After my loss I went on to have two healthy children and hoping for another this October- so far they have all had no problems and many women that I know who have had losses and fertility issues have gone on to have healthy living babies-
Praying that will be your story soon!

P.S. Almost a mother? I say for sure you are a mother- you are doing a wonderful thing remembering your children here! Shame on the world that sometimes doesn't see that!