Monday, July 20, 2009

Moving On

The whole concept of "moving on" blows my mind. I'm not sure how you move on. I'm not sure what actually constitutes moving on. I mean, when I have another baby, will that just mean I'm past it? Over the sadness?
I read a lot of blogs-probably too many. Most of the time, they help. They really help. They distract me, they help me understand that I'm not the only one going through this and that I will survive this. However, sometimes they make me feel guilty. They make me feel like I'm not sad enough. Or that I'm feeling the wrong things.
I guess what bugs me is this...when I'm feeling my worst, people (not a part of this community, but irl) think it's time for me to move on (and again, can you move on from this? I'm not sure). When I'm feeling ok, people think that I've moved on and that I'm just totally fine. If she's smiling, and laughing, she must be ok, right?
Having another baby, while I dream of this and hope for it, isn't necessarily going to happen. I'm going to try, and trust my body and the doctors, and God, and hope with all my might that a pregnancy will lead to a living baby. But even if that does happen, it will never change the fact that my twins are gone. My chance at that family is gone. I'm lucky that I have Brian for my family. I know that no matter what, we are committed to having children to raise, whether naturally or through adoption.
This hope strings me along. It helps me get through the day. But then there are times when it all hits me at once. They are gone. Gone. Not to come back. This fact, although defeating, is at the same time helpful. Because I know I can't do anything about it, because I know it's done, it helps me to move past. I think. But what is moving past?
Each person's grief journey is their own. There are a lot of things I know, and many more that I don't. I should know by now that nothing in life is the same for anyone.

Along the topic of "moving on" or whatever you'd like to call it, I started on the met.formin. It has some nasty side effects. I have the extended release version, and I'm only on one pill a day to start with, but it gives me bad stomach aches and a slight headache. I also called today and made an appointment with my high-risk doctor for the end of August. I want to meet with him before we go back to school to talk about the plan for my next pregnancy (assuming there is one-hoping there is one) and make sure we're on the same page. I'm really, really, really hoping this drug regulates my period so that I don't have to take the clo.mid.

I've been really productive the last few days-and very healthy. I looked into acu.puncture and I might try it...just for some natural ways of healing. I'm still on the fence :) This probably seems like no big deal to people who are thin and fit, but b and I have been doing a training program for running. The whole idea is that you run/walk. We started by running 60 sec and walking 60 sec for 25 minutes. It sucked!!!!! I'm a terrible runner and I'm wayyyy out shape, topped with bedrest and pregnancy and grief. Today, I am proud to say, I ran 3 minutes/walked 3 minutes for 25 minutes!!! When it gets rough, I think of the babies-I use my emotions to push me through. By the end of this training, our goal is to run a 5K together. Lofty goal, but it gives me something to work for!

Love to you all!


Anonymous said...

Testing to see if my comments section is working :)

Kristy ~ said...

I know the feelings of wondering how and what other people think of you. I too fear that when someone sees me smiling, they think I am okay, I am over it. How can you be over such a devasting thing? I am not "over" the loss of my son from September 2008, so how could be "over" the loss of my son from 6 mere weeks ago? I put on a front. I fake a smile when I need to, I pretend I am okay...for others. Not for me. I do it so THEY feel okay. Its sad that we have to pretend to make sure others are okay, when I am the one who isn't okay and who needs the support.

I am here for you, and I know how you feel. I know you aren't "over" your babies and you never will be. No matter where your life takes you, no matter how many future children you WILL have, your precious babies will ALWAYS be with you. You will always hold them in your hearts, you will always think of them on holidays, their birthdays, and even on random days. You just learn to eventually live, live with your new life, your life without the 2 babies you lost. But just because you do live your new life, it doesn't mean they mean any less to you. I can say that from experience, my experience from losing my son in September. While I am so new in to this new grief, on top of my old grief I can't say I believe that now...but I know in time I will.