Sunday, July 26, 2009

ups and downs

I saw the grief counselor on Friday. She asked me, "So, how was your week?"
I gave the same answer as I have each time, "Up and down."
When people ask me about teaching, I always say that I like it, but sometimes the ups and downs get to me. Having good days and bad days-days where a kid says something that reminds you why you put up with the days that are really stressful. I've always thought my personality never quite meshed with the up and down.
But, in reality, I thought knowing how to deal with that would help me through the ups and downs of grieving.
The counselor also said, "Christy, you have the ability to deal with more emotions than the average person."
I'm not sure what that means. I should have asked. Is that good or bad?
Thursday my friend K was here. We had a great time, as always. It kept me busy; kept my mind off things. Right before bed, I thought I'd just check the internet (read my blogs, check my e-mail, check facebook.). Scrolling down, and WHAM out of nowhere-another teacher from my school-his status, "Just heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time."
20 million congratulations followed.
I write something like, "Having a hard time-missing the babies" or something along those lines, and it's the same, faithful ones who comment. The same, amazing friends that I have that are checking up on me. Other people keep scrolling. Keep ignoring. Would I be the same way?
I know it's uncomfortable. People have de-friended me, probably because it makes them uncomfortable. But it is life. I have to deal with it. I have to get it out, and it's not a public thing, people hide this. But it's real, and no, I don't want to scare you. I don't want pregnant people to read this and think it will happen to them. Don't worry-it's probably just me-I'm the unlucky one, right?
Either way, I read this status and had a total breakdown. Haven't had one like that in weeks-with me sobbing uncontrollably until my head is pounding, my contacts rip, I'm soaked and snotty and wishing I weighed a lot less so someone could pick me up and hold me like I was a baby. Triggers. Guilt. Anger. Sadness. Uncontrollable.

I was in a shop this weekend, and I greeted the woman as I walked in. Behind me, a lady with a double stroller. "What a beautiful family!" she said.
"Oh, thank you. They're a handful, that's for sure."
"Are they twins?" she asked.
I braced myself.
"Yep. A boy and a girl. They are a year and a half."
I braced myself again, this time for tears.
None came.
I left, without thinking, without crying, without screaming. I told Brian. "Oh," he said, moving on to the next shop.
Yep, I guess that's right. "Oh."
Ups and downs.


Bluebird said...

I get exactly what you're saying.

And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to face b/g twins. I don't cry anymore. But I think it will always squeeze my heart.


Just Breathe said...

Sometimes it not a matter of getting stronger or moving on, it's just something you learn to survive. After so much pain we can learn to just turn our emotions off. Years ago I felt that I went through so much crap (nothing like you women have been through but for me it was my hell) that I learned to just turn it off. When I attended a funeral for my friends son who was 13 and hung himself I couldn't even cry. You get to a point where you are just burnt out. I am learning to feel again and cry. I think it's a way our body protects us. ((HUGS))

Mirne said...

It's definitely a protection thing -- our body's self-defense mechanism. Some days, every little thing will set me off. Other days, I can tough it out.

As for friends, I'm just too difficult for them now. They don't know what to do with me, so they don't do anything. Most of my support is from other baby-lost mamas -- I don't have to pretend with them.

Anonymous said...

What a week. I don't know how you handle those hits with so much grace. You did great!