Friday, April 6, 2012


The pit in my stomach is building. I am feeling heavier, the knife is twisting deeper. The haunting memories, the numbers on the calendar, the Easter holiday arriving.

Three years.

How is that possible?

It's there, it's definitely there-but it's nowhere near the pain in those first days.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the early days. In the first few weeks after Aiden and Sophie died, I had one goal for the day: get up and shower. I kept telling myself that if I could at least shower once a day, I wasn't in the deepest darkest parts of a real depression. I don't remember if I cooked or not. I don't remember anything except laying in bed looking at the internet, crying, avoiding people, and getting up once a day to shower. My husband went back to work and I don't remember if he resented me for getting to stay home or not. I know it cost us money for me to stay home. I just don't really remember. We put our house up for sale in an effort to run away from everything (that didn't work so well!).

I do have some random, distinct memories. Venturing out on my own and having the lady at the gas station ask me when I was due. Deciding to stain the deck and have the neighbor literally turn and run away from me when I told her the babies died.

I don't even remember if I went grocery shopping or not. I haven't really asked my husband, I don't know if he would remember either.

I look at that, at us in that other house, and I don't recognize us. What was it like? Who was I before this happened?

Three years. Incredible.


Nan & Mike said...

Its so tough, I know all of these feelings...I hope you can maybe take the day off, it helps to just 'be'. We are definitely new and changed people, and alot of times i dont like the new me, but we trudge on. Love and hugs always, I pray their birthday is gentle on you both and you will be on my mind all week xoxoxo

Deni said...

I don't remember anything about that time period either, except laying in my bathroom floor between finding out I lost my first baby and the actual d&c screaming that I wanted that dead baby out of my tummy. I'm pretty sure my husband was ready to lock me in a padded room. I'd have gone willingly! I'm so sorry Christy, it just never goes away, and yet it can be so blurry! Sending you love!

Hope's Mama said...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as well. I had 15 months home alone between Hope and Angus. And I could barely tell you how I spent one of those days. So much spare time, so little achieved. I guess I grieved. And that to me was a full time job.