Monday, April 9, 2012

Escape Artist

Today is one of those days. It's one where I go from sobbing to SCREAMING to pitiful to SO ANGRY I COULD RUN AWAY to wallowing.

If you went by the "day" and not by the date, which I decided to do at some point, apparently, today would have been the day, 3 years ago, that Sophie and Aiden were born. All day long I relived it. Easter morning my mom commented to me that I didn't look like I felt well (apparently my infection was growing) and then in the night I kept waking up, unsure if it was indigestion or not...Monday morning I went into Labor and Delivery...all day long, I kept up with the time. Right about now, I actually can't remember the time but it was somewhere about now, I begged my mom to push me away from the NICU, begged her to get me away from there. I thought that if I could get AWAY, that Sophie couldn't DIE.

How freaking stupid I was. They chased me and made me come back. I ran away from my daughter. I tried to escape.

Today, my husband yelled at me. He said, "You wouldn't be so sad if you would just stop thinking about it." I screamed at him, but inside I was laughing like a crazy person. You know, that laugh where you feel like you've just realized you're at the edge of the cliff and you might go over. If I could JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. If only. If only.

I checked facebook all day long, in between my avoidance of all phone calls and pretending like I wasn't around, and crying, and reading sad books, and wallowing in general, and I found out that a very sweet friend of mine has lost her baby. I wanted to shout from the rooftops, to make it not so, for someone to say it has been a mistake. Because right after it, one of my friends from high school, pregnant with twins-due in September. Their first daughter is even younger than Avery.

WHY oh WHY is it so easy for some people and so hard for others. And, of course, you may tell me that I don't know how easy it was for them and etc. etc., but in my head it was easy, ok? When I'm riled up like this I don't try to be fair.

I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this to be my thing in life. I wanted to be a mommy.

I know it's futile to ask why. I know it's not ok to be complaining about it. I know it's probably wrong that I am still THIS ANGRY 3 years later. I know I should just be grateful that I have Avery and shut up about all the rest. I know about a billion things that I should or shouldn't be doing.

But, alas, I can't help what I feel. And so here I am, begging for a world where my beautiful friends who have endured so much heartache can get a BREAK. Where we didn't have to think about fertility treatments or D&Cs or memorials or ashes or footprints. Where we could decide to grow our family and have it work.

I wish we could escape the pain. The trials.

I wish.


Mariah said...

Oh my heart is breaking for you!!! I feel your pain so raw right now, for me, as I am sure it is for you! Well said, I am so sorry!!

Crystal Theresa said...

sending you lots of love and hugs, sweetie.

Nan & Mike said...

Stop thinking about it? WTF? Thats our way of coping and working through the motions of grief! Its hard when our partners say some of the things that others say, so I can understand your hurt, all you can think of is 'oh no, not you too, please dont you turn on me too'. Im so sorry, reliving it is what I did too, and next year it could be the same way, and the following year etc, there is no friggin book! They want us to be ok, we are not, we are ecstatic for our rainbows, but still have stormy days....I love you and im here for you always xoxoxo

Kate said...

I'm so sorry you've reached 3 years without them. I so wish you had 3 years WITH them. And I'm so sorry your friend has lost her baby too. I'm missing your Sophie and Aiden with you and thinking of you. We grieve so differently (women and men), from my experience and it seems unfathomable to me that my partner doesn't miss like I do. I'll never get it. xo. I hear you with all of this. I'm sorry, this is such a crap reply to your post. Words are failing me, BIG time lately.

Catherine W said...

Oh love. That description of you asking your mum to push you away from the NICU just breaks my heart. You weren't stupid, you just wanted your daughter to live. Of course you did.

My husband yells similar things at me. But he is just a very different type of person to me. It doesn't make him wrong when it comes to him but it does make me wrong when it comes to me? If that makes any sense. I can't just stop thinking about it as he advises me to.

There are no shoulds or shouldn'ts. There is not some sort of carefully planned schedule we have to keep to, although some people might wish we would! How you feel is how YOU feel, I don't think it means you are ungrateful or wallowing.

Thinking of you and your three beautiful children xo

Nika M. said...

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

Deni said...

We cannot control our feelings, and the anger will come over and over. There are things that just are like striking a match in our hearts and they just ignite that fire all over again! You can't not think about it, even when you do for a little while, even when you have those moments where you are "normal" then you remember, that that's not really your life, the "normal" one. Sucks! Some days just suck and when someone else goes through this, it just brings up all of those emotions again. Sending you love sweet friend, sending you love!

Lori said...

Yes. Seriously. Why don't you just stop thinking about it for crying out loud??????

Honestly, I know men can actually do that...can compartmentalize and actually NOT think about but like John told me today...but I didn't carry the babies, so I can't tell you what to do.

Darn right, he can't. (And honestly, he doesn't try too...much.)

I'm so, so, sorry too. It SUCKS. I guess if I am really honest, I am angry too...but at the bigger injustice of just ALL THIS SUFFERING. Amazing people who suffer so much cruelty and for WHAT???? And then horrid, horrid, horrid people who are living on what essentially looks like easy street to me.
Seriously. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?????

I don't know. But I hate it.

And I hate your hurting heart. Wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big, big hug, sweet friend.

Kathy said...

So sorry that you are having a hard time. I wish I could find some right words for you but words won't do. I think maybe your husband may have acted that way because he hurts to see you hurting so badly. I am sure he is hurting too but sometimes men feel like they are suppose to be the strong one. Please know we are thinking about you as always and a little more this week. Hugs to you all. Love to your beautiful babies.

Kathy S.

Hope's Mama said...

Me too, my friend.

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