Every once in a while, I feel at peace. I feel like Aiden and Sophie were a miracle and I've changed so much from having them here and know that I'll see them again someday-and I feel ok.
Sometimes, I wish that I could escape from all of this. Lately I have been desperate to avoid it all-the grief, the knowing, the sadness.
I think I maybe understand why some people ran from me when I lost the babies. Why when something terrible happens, sometimes people flee.
Because right now, I want to. I want to plug my ears and close my eyes and yell
"NANANANANANANANANANANANANA I CAN'T HEAR YOU" like I did when I was a kid and I didn't want to hear what my mom was telling me.
I don't want to admit that babies can die.
I don't want to be the first person that someone tells when it happens to someone they know.
I don't want to be the person people think of when someone they know needs support.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I want to run, run and hide. Pretend it never happened.
I am ashamed to admit that. But sometimes, I want to pretend it never happened. What if Avery was my first born? What if I stop talking about them-my family would get right on board with that-trust me. They are forced to remember them, by me.
I might need a blog break. Maybe there are times when this actually is not good for me? I feel safe here, though. On days like today, when I can't stop crying, and my heart feels like it's busting through my chest and like a 1,ooo pound man is sitting on top of me making it hard for me to breathe, this is where I go. It's my safe place.
But then I check the LFCA, and I read about another loss, and I get so PISSED OFF (sorry for the language, yo, but I will admit I have a potty mouth in real life) and I forget how the anger part of grief can rip through you.
And the stupid "WHY WHY WHY" starts all over again. And really, for being unlucky, I'm pretty damn lucky. So why should I even start this-I should just be happy. Happy that I have Avery. Happy that I have what I have. Greedy for wanting more.
And then I want to run away.
But, of course, we all know that running away doesn't help. Grief knows no boundaries, no limits. It follows you wherever you are, wherever you go.
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