Sunday, June 12, 2011


Today, I had to drive back and forth to my mother-in-law's a bunch of times-she lives just a few minutes away and my husband was helping her clean and organize her garage and we kept needing things from our house. Anyway, each time I drove there and back, I noticed an elderly man sitting on his front porch.
He was alone, it a white rocking chair, just sitting. Looking. Thinking.
He must have been out there for at least a few hours. He looked so peaceful.
I guess I don't know if he was, or not, but just watching him, eve n for a second made me envious.
I wasn't envious of his free time, or the fact that he looked peaceful or happy, or that he had a very nice house.
I was envious of the fact that he can be alone with his thoughts.
After all this time, I can't do it. Driving in the car alone is never a good thing for me. Letting my mind wander is just dangerous. If I'm at home and the baby is asleep, I have to be online. I swear, sometimes I sit and I click aimlessly on the internet. I go to and hit refresh, refresh, refresh. I still can't seem to concentrate as well as I need to read a book. I used to be an avid reader, but the books I can read now have to be mindless-flimsy. Not substantial.

This man, as he rocked on his porch, looking out-I wondered what he was thinking about. I wondered if there was someone he was missing.

I hope that I can do that, someday. Be alone again. Be comfortable again. Be comfortable with myself. Trust my thoughts.

Trust silence.


Nika M. said...

I worked at a nursing home, and we had a guy in there that was like that. He would dress up real nice every morning and go for a walk around the facility and then just sit outside on the swing. Sometimes for several hours. He missed his wife something fierce, but he had peace about it. I'm still waiting for that day that I can be that peaceful about it...

Anonymous said...

Oh, I hate it when I can't be alone with my thoughts. I never thought about that being hard for you after all you've been through. That would be so exhausting, trying to keep your mind busy all the time. :(

Catherine W said...

Oh Christy, I am precisely the same. I still can't do it either, just be alone with my thoughts, I can't bear it. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I will always switch the radio on or get up and go to the computer rather than lie there, trying not to think.

I hope that we'll both be able to sit peacefully with our own thoughts again someday xo

Holly said...

I wonder if he was missing someone and was thinking about them. Gosh I think a lot in the silence!! Maybe too much

Malory said...

Wow this post is powerful. So much are words taken right from my mind. xoxo