Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Escape

Every once in a while, I feel at peace. I feel like Aiden and Sophie were a miracle and I've changed so much from having them here and know that I'll see them again someday-and I feel ok.
Sometimes, I wish that I could escape from all of this. Lately I have been desperate to avoid it all-the grief, the knowing, the sadness.
I think I maybe understand why some people ran from me when I lost the babies. Why when something terrible happens, sometimes people flee.
Because right now, I want to. I want to plug my ears and close my eyes and yell
"NANANANANANANANANANANANANA I CAN'T HEAR YOU" like I did when I was a kid and I didn't want to hear what my mom was telling me.
I don't want to admit that babies can die.
I don't want to be the first person that someone tells when it happens to someone they know.
I don't want to be the person people think of when someone they know needs support.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I want to run, run and hide. Pretend it never happened.
I am ashamed to admit that. But sometimes, I want to pretend it never happened. What if Avery was my first born? What if I stop talking about them-my family would get right on board with that-trust me. They are forced to remember them, by me.

I might need a blog break. Maybe there are times when this actually is not good for me? I feel safe here, though. On days like today, when I can't stop crying, and my heart feels like it's busting through my chest and like a 1,ooo pound man is sitting on top of me making it hard for me to breathe, this is where I go. It's my safe place.

But then I check the LFCA, and I read about another loss, and I get so PISSED OFF (sorry for the language, yo, but I will admit I have a potty mouth in real life) and I forget how the anger part of grief can rip through you.

And the stupid "WHY WHY WHY" starts all over again. And really, for being unlucky, I'm pretty damn lucky. So why should I even start this-I should just be happy. Happy that I have Avery. Happy that I have what I have. Greedy for wanting more.

And then I want to run away.

But, of course, we all know that running away doesn't help. Grief knows no boundaries, no limits. It follows you wherever you are, wherever you go.

I wish.

Big sigh.

9 comments:

Deni said...

The "Why why why" sucks so bad! And I'll freely admit I want to run anytime I hear a bad story right now, I just can't take it at the moment! We are blessed, but it's hard not to look at all we've lost and not feel like "It's just not (*(^&%*%(& fair!" I've got a potty mouth in real life too--yo! :)

Joanna said...

Oh Christy - i just posted today about my grief and anger with all of this, and I often feel like you. I'll be fine, then a reminder comes up and I'm back in that deep, dark place where the grief completely takes over and I'm helpless in the sense of loss and the depths of despair. How will I ever find peace with this? How can I? How can I ever read another pregnancy post on Facebook without thinking 'Don't be so naive, something could still go wrong...'

I get your feelings, sadly I do.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh my god. Yes. I was sort of getting at some of this in my email to you today. Yes. Once again, you've absolutely nailed it for me. Thank you. On the days when I really lapse and feel like such a pathetic freak, I only have to come back to the blogs to be reminded I am not alone.
xo

Ava's mummy said...

Another one who sadly understands what you are saying.

I never used to have a potty mouth but I do now! Grief and anger don't seem to have done much for my language sadly.

There is such a sense of understanding in this community but at the same time, reading those stories of newly bereaved parents is just so heart breaking. It shouldn't be this way for any of us. I so wish with all my heart that it wasn't.

Nika M. said...

I want to run too.

When something happens, my family always tells me first because I "know how they feel" so maybe I can be some "special support" for them. I don't want to always be the one who understands. I don't want to sit back and relive everything that happened to me just because something similar is happening to them. I just don't want to.

But then I think about what they are going through and how much I needed someone that understands, and I start to feel horrible for wanting to run away.

It's an endless cycle. :-(

Groves said...

You sound completely normal to me. In every way. I just wish it didn't stink so much, and of course, it does.

It seems to be very common to blog a while in "grief world" and then have to take a break from it. I have seen that over and over. You are normal there, too.

You make sense to me. A lot of sense. Thanks.

Cathy in Missouri

Jill said...

I sometimes feel as though I want to run away too. I wish I did not know this world, but it is now my life. It seems as though there is no hiding from it and our babes are so loved and missed. Thinking of you, always! xo

Holly said...

If only you could run away from grief and leave it all behind never to worry about it again.

Nakajima Tomohisa said...

I read this and I cried a little. I’m not a mother or a father so I don’t know the feelings that you or anyone else may feel, but after reading this something tells me it’s hard, possible one of the hardest things to deal with? My heart goes out to you Christy and anyone else who has had to suffer the same fate.