Saturday, June 4, 2011

Where I am right now-792 days. Fading.

The good: most times, the hurt has faded. It is less pointy around the edges. I've healed some-I can see pregnant people, hold a new baby, discuss pregnancy and birth. This is thanks to the amazing blessing in my life-my beautiful daughter. If not for her, I'm confident I would be in the same dark hole about pregnancy that I was in April of 2009.

The bad: the memories of them are fading. The details are starting to get a little fuzzy. I can't quite remember those exact moments in the correct order as I used to when I would lay in bed at night and relive each one instead of sleeping. Sometimes, I could almost pretend that it had never happened.

The middle: Grief. Will it ever go away? I don't think so. It's almost as if it's just lying there, waiting, and will get angry and attack every so often.

I think someone said it really well-life can still be good-but never quite as good as it should be.

9 comments:

New Year Mum said...

That quote is so true. Thinking of you always xoxo

newyearmum2blogspot.com

Becky Baker said...

Oh my goodness! I just posted about remembering on my blog! I understand you completely! I'm coming up on a year, and I'm scared to pieces that I'm gonna loose it!

Joanna said...

I don't mind the grief lessening, but I worry that I am starting to forget some of the details and that somehow by having those memories a little 'fuzzy', that somehow I am dishonouring my child. It's tough, as we don't want to feel that intense grief and loss and depression forever, but we don't want to completely lose it either.

Becky said...

That quote is so true. Thanks for sharing.

Hope's Mama said...

I rambled on in my post for this project, but you have summed it up perfectly. Life is good, but not as good as it could be. Bittersweet, always bittersweet.
xo

crystal theresa said...

i feel the same about memories becoming fuzzy and the picture of Calvin's face fading. i don't think i can recount the day he was born with as much clarity. but one thing stays the same, and has gotten stronger, and that is how a i feel about him. i'm pretty sure the same goes for you and your little ones.

iamstacey said...

That quote seems so honest. I'm so glad you have little Avery to help bring you forward, even though it's bittersweet.

Holly said...

I def relate. I Hate that the memories fade. It's really all we have and yet that slowly gets taken from us too.

That last quote is true.

Tina said...

So very true.