Saturday, June 18, 2011

Summer

The first summer that I had to live through without Aiden and Sophie was awful. It was weeks out from their loss. We first decided to plan a trip to France, just Brian and me. We've been together before, but always with students. So we contacted our friends, booked the flight, and I threw myself into planning what we'd do while we were there. I had the whole thing planned down to the tiny details.
Around the same time, I decided I wanted to sell our house. I don't know what came over me, but I HAD to sell it. I talked Brian into it. I'm not sure he thought it was the right time at all-but when your wife is sobbing hysterically all day long every day, I think you do whatever she wants. So we contacted a realtor.
I hate thinking of that day. The twins' nursery was still set up. Right before he came, I panicked because I just didn't know what to do about it. So on top of one of the cribs I put the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Hearts" that I had just finished reading. He, of course, didn't notice it and looked at me funny and said, "Are you guys planning on having kids someday, or what?"
Asshat.
Anyway, it was a terrible summer from then on out. My husband worried that the house would sell quickly (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-14 months later, is that quick? LOL) and so we canceled our trip and lost a lot of money. Then we waited. And waited. We had no showings. No phonecalls, nothing.
I think if there was anytime that I was depressed in this whole debacle, it was that summer. People expected me to be "over it" and couldn't understand why I didn't want to hang out. I went out once for the fourth of July, and I will never forget sitting in the dark, sobbing while the Fireworks went off and listening to the children squeal with delight. Sophie and Aiden would never squeal at a firework-that's all I can think.
I know that most people get very reflective around New Year's, because it is the end of the calendar year. For me, it's the end of the school year, since I was a teacher. Right now I am thinking back to last summer-that anticipation of Avery's arrival, the desperation that she arrive safely, the waiting-and then the rest of it a haze of sleep deprivation and snuggles.
This summer is so different. It's just so....different. Having Avery here is like a dream. The littles things make me so happy-walking with her outside, putting her in a kiddy pool-but then later, after she goes to bed, I sit here and I think. I let my mind wander...
And I know I shouldn't.
The wondering is not very good for me.
Sigh.
I just feel like my brain goes round and round. It never seems to end on anything, or when it does, something else comes along and jumbles up my thoughts.
When I get like this, the only thing I can think of to do is come here and blog, but I feel like mostly everything I say isn't making any sense anymore. This is backed up by the low number of comments and new readers, I'd say :) I just am in a weird place.
Summer. When they should have gotten here. When I should have had TWO tiny infants, oh, man, how many times can I think this?
I get so stuck in the should have...could have...
I feel like a broken record.

8 comments:

Becky said...

Summer, sigh:( It hurts knowing my little guy should be here also.

Alissa said...

I think...no, I know we all not only wish things were different, but that we somehow could just get out of these ruts...or these stages of broken records. Guess it's just part of the journey, though. Thinking of you...and your little ones. ((Hugs))

Franchesca said...

Oh Christy. I feel the exact same way - like a broken record. Summer is hard for me too, but this summer, like you have described yours... is so very different. I wish so much all your babies could squeal at the fireworks in a few weeks. Sending you big hugs.

xoxo

Deni said...

I just love that you referred the realtor as an Asshat! I agree! And it is soo weird last summer we were anticipating an adoption that went so completely horribly wrong and I can't help but think about that and pray that Cala isn't born on the same day as that baby--I would hate that! Then I worry about that sweet baby and what her life is like--sucky! Then I think how old my babies would be and keep feeling blessed that Miss Cala is doing well and praying with desperation that everything goes well and she ends up here safely! Sending you love and hoping you enjoy this summer with A at such a cute age, and know the twins are looking down on you with love!

Nika M. said...

I have days like that too. I do so good for several weeks, and then they come outta nowhere.

Praying you find some peace this summer.

Jessica said...

So much should be...Walks in the park pushing a double stroller, trying to figure out how to nanage two babies at the town pool, all sorts of adventures...I have to make a conscious effort to turn those thoughts off otherwise I fall into the pit of sadness and grief. Instead, I've made lots of plans to keep myself busy and distracted. I hope you find this summer to be different...peaceful, fun and happy.

iamstacey said...

Don't feel bad missing Aiden and Sophie. You're right, they should be here. I wish they were here with you this summer.

Groves said...

You don't sound like a broken record to me. I haven't commented before, but I keep coming back to read your blog. It is definitely worth reading. I'm glad you write.

Missing your irreplaceable little ones with you,

Cathy in Missouri