Monday, August 22, 2011

Normal

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. I think that's the longest I've ever gone. It's not for lack of want or need, I just have had one of those-can't read, can't write, I'm frozen, kind of months.
I'm starting a new job here in about a week-still teaching, but elementary school, which is SO different from a middle school specialty class. It has opened up some wounds for me, unfortunately.
I guess, to start with is the fact that I am working with a whole new building. A whole new group of people to get to know.
I have realized in the last few weeks that I really like to protect myself. I shy very much away from situations in which there are people who I don't know-people who don't know my story. I tense up when I am with strangers, even if it's in the grocery store.
Being in a new place, with all new people has brought out some of my worst fears. I find myself much more emotional than normal. I don't seem to be very confident.
This lack of confidence is spreading into everywhere (along with fatigue and a LOT of work due to new job). It's really hard to be a baby loss mom and express the difficulties of parenting (I'm not saying that so you feel bad for me-it's so that you know I'm sensitive to you all out there who may not yet or may not ever be blessed with a living child). Mainly because I know that I should just be happy to have Avery here. I know that I should just suck it up and keep going, which most of the time I do. But it's been so hard to be a full-time worker plus mom plus wife plus start a new job plus have Avery randomly start biting and hitting me and keep it together. (please know that I do still know how very, very lucky I am to HAVE a job and a husband and a living on earth daugther).
I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm bickering with my husband. I'm unhealthy. I'm tired. I'm not into playing with Avery like I should be. I may have made a giant mistake with this job change. I'm forgetting dates with my friends and birthdays.
My pcos is very out of control lately. I haven't had a period since March and the hormones are making me break out, I'm oily from head to toe, I'm cranky and tired, I'm bloating and gaining weight even though sometimes I'm hardly eating. I can't get a doctor appt until November. I'm worried about my thyroid for different reasons.
All in all, I don't have it together right now.
And today, I met with the other two teachers on my team. One is a twin, and I swear to you (even though one of them for sure knows my story) I sat there for 10 minutes while they talked about twins and all things about them. How fun it would be to have them, how fun it is to be one, how their grandma/boyfriend/cousin/uncle is a twin, how hard it would be at bedtime, ETC ETC ETC until I wanted to RUN RUN away.
I left there thinking that I will NEVER by normal. I will never hear the word "twin" without wanting mine back. I will never be able to idly chat about twins without screaming on the inside "MINE SHOULD BE HERE".
I may never be able to talk about pregnancy without that little voice in my head going off, "Well, if it gets here alive. If you're a lucky one." "Are you sure you should buy a crib when you're only 5 weeks pregnant?"

I've got to get it together. Put one foot in front of the other. I need a plan.

11 comments:

AKD said...

I am so sorry you are going through so much upheaval all at once. Alice has been violent lately, too, it must be this age. I think of you whenever I hear of twins, too.

Hope's Mama said...

Three years later, I still don't cope well in some group settings. I don't like meeting new people and I'm shy and nervous in a way I never was before.
Thinking of you, mama.
xo

Sarita Boyette said...

Christy, I feel for you. I remember well the rigors of teaching. I taught special ed. for 27 years and it wasn't a hard job physically, but was hard emotionally. I came home worn out every day and had to cook supper,
clean up afterwards, etc. My husband did laundry and helped with the children's homework. Thank goodness I had aides at school to do grading or I would have had work to bring home with me. I'm so sorry you have to listen to the talk about twins. I remember going to school all those years on Meredith's birthday and if I happened to mention to one of my friends that it was her birthday, I usually got a blank look. I wanted so badly to stay at home those days and just remember her. I know you will get through this day by day, a little at a time. (((HUGS)))

Deni said...

Boo for all of that! Boo for having to inform new people of your story. You hit such a chord with me on that. I'm usually so good at making new friends, but haven't been since I moved here and I think it's the having to tell my story again, so that people understand me. People can't be close to me and not know that part of me, but I'm not always in a place to share it. So, I have so much sympathy for you and wish I could make you feel better. I hate that the pcos is acting up too, it sucks to feel bad on top of all of this! And I'm quite certain that you are giving miss Avery all of the love and attention she needs, don't beat yourself up!! Lots of love from me!

pottymouthmommy said...

so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can definitely relate- we just move half way across the country, and being a blm makes it just soooo hard to know what to say around new people who don't know about our angels. Sometimes I cope better, other times I find myself almost blurting it out like if I say it fast it will be over quick.

As for the PCOS, my life saver has been yasmin... No breakouts, no bloating, no bearded chin!! Of course it seems REALLY asinine to be taking a "birth control pill", but if it keeps my symptoms under control- I'm all for it!

Good luck with the new job!!

Groves said...

As always, you sound normal, normal, normal, normal to me. And I know that this kind of "normal" (if we can call it that) really reeks. It's lonely, it's unsettling, it's unnerving, and it's hard to find words for. I'm sorry, and I wish it wasn't like this for you.

Your writing helps other people. That doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't make it worth the struggle - but you are helping people even when you don't know you are. I just wish life didn't have to be like it is.

Cathy in Missouri

crystal theresa said...

i'm sorry about everything that you're dealing with. i don't understand why when things get difficult, everything else needs to pile up. i hope you get a break soon--from the pcos, from the insensitive conversation, from all the things that bring you additional stress, when it's hard enough to miss your babies. ((hugs))

Catherine W said...

Oh Christy. It is hard to be a worker and a mom and a wife. And I only work part time. I also had a daughter who used to randomly hit me (although head butts were definitely her favourite mode of attack!), they do grow out of it but it is miserable whilst they are in their attacking phase and especially when it seems to be reserved for mommy :(

And I also often feel as though I am failing at EVERYTHING. And the guilt! ARGH!

I don't think I'll ever be able to chat idly about twins either, as much as I would like to be able to. Just to close to the bone for me and I'm sorry that the colleague who knows your story didn't try and steer the conversation in a different direction for you. xo

iamstacey said...

Oh wow, I'm so sorry, Christy. That's a lot of change to take on all at once. I'm not good with uncertainty, either. Makes it hard to sleep, which just adds to depression and irritability for me. I hope you can get in to see the doc soon! Get those hormones straightened out, and start getting lots of sleep!

Lori said...

Friend...you know I love you. I could go on and on about how precious those pictures of you and Bree and the girls are, or how I SO know the whole PCOS crap, or how a new school/story/everything at once is overwhelming situation makes you want to scream.

But you know what makes me the most angry (for you?!) That bless your heart, on your OWN blog, you are still so careful in not 'whining' because GOD FORBID someone think that you are a 'normal' mom entitled to be having it tough, lest someone think you are ungrateful for your sweet girl. I could *feel* it when you wrote that you totally knew how lucky you were, etc.

You know what? I think anyone that knows you (well, as much as I do through the good old internet, right?) knows how you adore that sweet baby girl and that you are extremely aware of how blessed your life with her is, but by golly, if you want to talk about how hard these days have been, then you ought to be able to do so!!!! Without having to justify your hard time.

I hate that people expect that since we've lost babies, and had subsequent ones, we aren't supposed to have the same trials and tribulations that other 'normal' parents go through. It's not a fair expectation of us, and I'm sorry if you feel judged or have ever felt judged for just being REAL and honest.

And I'll get off my soapbox, yo.
Love you, friend!

iamstacey said...

Just checkin' in on you. Missin' ya, hope all is ok.