You

I have SO much to be thankful for.
Seriously-I am one lucky, lucky person. I'm sitting here, in my warm, beautiful house with my husband who, in my opinion, happens to be the best husband on this Earth (at least for me!), I'm looking at the baby monitor while A sleeps peacefully. I'm full of yummy food. Tomorrow we are packing up to go to B's aunt's house, and then heading to a hotel with a waterpark with my sister and my nephew.
On Monday I go back to my job-a job that I enjoy, that I am good at, that pays me enough to keep my house and my car and buy cute, fun things for A for Christmas.
I have the best mom a person could ever, ever have.

And I sit here, crying.

Because I miss them. Because holidays bring that grief right back-it hardens the edges at first and then soon I am a mess.

I know that people are sad when they have to go back to work after maternity leave. But it is different for me, and I am slowly realizing that what's going on is I always feel like it's going to be the time when I have to say good bye to Avery. I'm still waiting for that other shoe to drop. I'm still just not sure that this happiness is mine. I'm more depressed about it than I should be and I feel guilty and selfish.

Why, when I tell myself over and over that I need to just be happy and thankful for what I DO have, do I still let myself wallow?

Because-no matter what great things happen to me from now on, it doesn't change the fact that Sophie and Aiden are dead. That I will carry this with me forever.

And I am so thankful for them and for everything that I have-I'm so happy. I feel warm and fuzzy.

And yet I feel incomplete.

All of you out there-I have a hunch you know what I mean. So full, but so empty. So happy, but so sad.

And maybe some of you don't have a whole lot to be happy about right now-and I am so sorry. Sometimes these holidays remind us of everything that we are missing.

At any rate, I want you all to know that I'm so thankful for all of you. Thank you for supporting me. For listening, and commenting, and understanding. For reading my journey even when it's hard for you-or makes you feel sad.

Thank you.

Update

HE PASSED!!!!!!!!!
I am so thankful. So relieved that it's over.
Thank you all for the support :)

Positive Thoughts?

Ok, now I know I really have no right to ask this of all of you...

but:

Do you remember last year, how upset I was that B got back some scores from a test and he had missed by 4 or 6 points???

Well, anyway, he did. And I was devastated. It was his second try at something that is very hard and has no clearcut way to pass and they don't give you any feedback as to why you didn't, except the score.

It broke my heart to see so much more disappointment-one more thing that didn't go his way. And while it didn't compare to, say, his dad dying or the twins dying, it just added on top of all that grief.

So this year, I helped him as much as I could. We contacted teachers from all over the US in his content area that had passed, we ran his lesson ideas past all different teachers, we videotaped 3 different days.

Ok, so he finds out his scores on Friday morning.

If you could, could you send up the number "275" to the universe and hope for a positive outcome!?! I would SO appreciate it :)

Thinking of you all xo

Reminders

So, we went to visit my mom this weekend.
At one point she left to the store to get something, and she was excited when she got back because she had brought B his favorite snack and she gotten each of us one of those $2 Crossword puzzle scratchoffs.
She smiled at me, and said, "You love those, right? They're your favorite?"
I simultaneously had my heart melt and almost burst into tears.

You see, after my water broke, when I was in the hospital, Brian and I would celebrate each night at 9:40 p.m. We had made it another 24 hours. Each night, B would go to the gas station and buy us fun snacks or drinks and he'd get us each a $2 crossworld puzzle. It was our way of marking that we had made it another day pregnant.

And I hadn't seen one since then. We used to do them often, as a fun thing at the end of the work week (I know, we are nerdy). But ever since, we just didn't buy them. We didn't speak about it; we just didn't do it.

I scratched mine off, and I didn't win. While I was in the hospital, I used to tell myself things like, "If this one is a winner, both of the babies will live." And then if it wasn't I would tell myself how silly and stupid and pointless that was.

I don't know where I'm going with all this, I guess nowhere. I think it's just that there are these things that pop out at us. You just never know...

I guess I just suck, then.

My friend, who is having the twins, hasn't responded to my e-mail. Which is ok-I told her I needed space in order to get my mind around things. But, to punish myself, I am stalking her face.book, which she doesn't use very much. Anyway, I know she is scared to have twins, and worried about being able to afford it and all that. So this is a post on her wall:

"watched the ultrasounds, super excited! you are in my prayers, just remember God chose you for a reason, and that reason is because you and hubby are great parents and He knows that you will be wonderful parents to these two little ones! He knows He wants you two to raise these Children of God because He knows your hearts and knows you will do an amazing job! love you bunches!"

So, I read this and I am totally offended. And I know I've mentioned before that I definitely do have faith, and I believe in God, and while I am not a typical every-Sunday church goer, I do believe that God is a warm and loving and compassionate God. I believe that I pray to him for strength. And I know that none of us out there have the same beliefs about religion at all-and part of why I'm sometimes hesitant about it and organized religion in general is because I respect everyone's different beliefs and don't at all think that one could possibly be better than another.

But, seriously? If this were true-if we all get pregnant because God knows our hearts and knows we will be great parents-then why do crackheads get pregnant? Why would he create life in someone that will abort it because of whatever circumstance? Why are there a billion kids in foster care? And why did my children DIE?

I am at a hotel right now-I came with my husband to a teaching conference. The other teachers here know our story and I have had a few run ins that I really didn't think I'd have to face anymore.

And one of the biggest ones is at least two people have looked at me so compassionately and said, head tilted, "I am so happy for you." And it's nice to hear, I suppose. But then the look straight in the eye and say, "It all happens for a reason, you know."

And I know some of you all believe that it did/does happen for a reason-and if you believe that, I respect it-and I'm certainly not saying you are wrong. And honestly, I wish I did. I wish I could believe that someday I will find out there was some thing I just didn't know, like they had to die so that something would happen that would save the world or soemthing-maybe it would make me feel better.

But I just don't believe it.

I mean, when you don't get a new job. Perhaps that is a time for "Oh, it all happens for a reason-a better job will come along."

Maybe.

But, anyway. I wasn't expecting it, and on top of the twin news I just feel very off kilter, very weepy, very ready to crack. I go back to work in 24 days and my stomach is tying itself slowly into little knots.

Ups and downs, right? Ups and downs.

My heart hurts.

Can I just say this:
I have two very close friends where I live.
One of them is pregnant, and I've been SO at peace with it-so proud of myself.
At a routine u/s, she found out she is having...
you guessed it-
boy/girl twins.
I can't stop crying. My head is pounding. I cried on the phone when she told me. She cried, too. That's the kind of friend she is. She's been there through it all.
I hate this.
I cried so hard I threw up.
The thought of having to see them-makes me ill. Cute little pink and blue. Twin baby pictures.
I don't know how to do this.
I suck.

I got the call right before we were leaving for the cemetery because it is the 2 year anniversary of when my father-in-law died of cancer.

I thought of them so much yesterday. They would be 18 months old. Trick or Treating in fun costumes.

Of course I am so thankful for A and so glad that she's here and I love her more than anything-just really, really down.

Would love any advice on how to do this-with my friend. Anything you've used mentally to get through?

Bad, bad day.