Thursday, October 13, 2011


Today, Aiden and Sophie would be 2.5 years old.

I think I can't breathe.

At my elementary school, there is a set of twins. They have severe disabilities. One has a walker and the other is in a wheelchair. They are both non-verbal. I used to wonder how that happened. Now I wonder...what if? What if they were here? What if they had made it?

The wondering makes my head hurt so bad that I want to crawl in a hole. Baby announcements lately are getting to me. I'm back in a bad place. Jealousy, Bitterness. I have Avery and I am SO blessed and so lucky.

But I miss them.

It's not fair.


AKD said...

I wish now weren't so hard for you. I wish none of us had to have these realizations, these milestones that are unfulfilled.

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you and your twins, Aiden and Sophie. The wondering is so hard to lay to rest, I think I will be wondering about my own little girl until the end of my days. I'm so sorry Christy, that you find yourself back in a bad place. Wishing more peaceful times ahead for you xo

Joanna said...

I think we'll always be riding this rollercoaster. Some days its better, and some days the tears flow again. I know I'll wonder and think 'what if' for the rest of my days. I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I had a 6-month old in the house....sending you hugs!!

Angela said...

Hugs, friend. 2.5 was really rough for me. I think 3 is gonna be even worse for sure.

Sarita Boyette said...

(((HUGS))) Christy. I often wondered if M had lived would she have been special needs? She wasn't breathing when she was born, so I wonder...I would have gladly taken her anyway.
Thinking about you and your precious twins Sophie & Aiden - I know how the Rainbows are so precious to us, but we will always miss the babies who were too beautiful for earth. xoxo

Once A Mother said...

oh hon. i am so sorry. i know the way that bad place can come back for you in this grief journey. that urge to crawl in a hole... sending you so many hugs right now. i have asked myself the same questions about peyton. what if she had survived all the treatments, the radiation, the brain surgery etc. its so hard. sending love and prayers for peace in your heart as you navigate this tough time xoxo

Kristen Day said...

Your blog was one that I just happened upon one day and as I read through your different posts, they just broke my heart. I just had my first child 9 months ago and I can not imagine losing him, let alone both. But, among all the sadness, you're still here. You are still living. YOU chose life. You are still married. YOU took that risk of having another child even though your fear must've been un-imaginable. YOU chose life when you could've easily ended yours. I know many people who have done that because they know of no other way to get rid of the pain. You are such a strong and brave person. I just want to thank you for sharing your pain and your fear but also your happiness with us.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry things are still so hard. :( I can't imagine life without Davie, there's too much despair in that thought.

But thank you for coming by and giving me a boost! I needed it so much! Thank you, my friend!