Sunday, August 8, 2010

It all worked out.

"See, it all worked out in the end, right?"

Really? It all "worked out?" Because I still have two dead babies. And nightmares. And flashbacks. And two urns. And memories.

And, of course, a beautiful, adorable baby to cuddle-but does that mean that it never happened?

Yesterday I spent lounging around my house in my pjs. Gave A a bath, took a nap while she did, cuddled.

But there, in the back of my mind-the date. August 7th. My due date for the twins. Once I put A in her bassinet for the night, I cried myself to sleep. Thinking; remembering.

Every night we take a walk around the neighborhood. I push A in the stroller, B walks the dog. We talk. We smile. We laugh. We dream.

To someone who doesn't know us, we must look like we have it all. A nice house, good jobs, a cute dog, a sweet baby. Two teachers off in the summer, taking care of their new little one.

"She's beautiful!"
"She's a keeper."
"You must be just so happy."
"I'm so glad it all worked out for you."

And we DO have so much. We ARE so blessed. We pretty much DO have it all. But, there's more. More to that story.

I guess I should have known better. I guess I maybe thought that once she was here I wouldn't have to be afraid of leaving the house for fear of what people would say to me. After the twins were born, I didn't want to talk to anyone. While pregnant with A, I would make my husband go through the line at stores after a while for fear of all the "Is this your first?" questions.

I guess I'm still tender. I guess I'm maybe not as far as I thought in my grieving. I guess it might always be there-the little voice in the back of my head-the bitter one-the one that corrects what everyone says inside my head instead of aloud.

I guess I will admit that I really thought once she was here I would be "cured." I started to believe what my friends told me-that she would fix the pain.

I guess I'm still grieving.

15 comments:

Jill said...

Grief always seems to have a way to sneak up on us. Part of me wonders if it will always be there in some way or another. Sending lots of love your way!! xo

Tiffany said...

Having my two rainbow babies didn't make me miss my daughter any less and didn't take away any pain. In fact it made it worse because now I knew exactly what I missed out on with her. All the cute things, milestones, smiles, cooing... You know, living. I missed out on her living. :( hugs mama.

With Out My Punkin said...

Sending you lots of love, grief sucks. ((hugs))

butterflymom said...

I don't know if anything can "fix" the pain...but maybe it helps subside or ease it for a bit. I'm glad that you have baby A to help you...but I know that it doesn't take away the pain you feel for your twins. Sending hugs your way...

Hope's Mama said...

Yep, and we will be forever. So overwhelming to think about.
xo

Lisette said...

Grief I think will be there forever, I am so sorry. I wish it wasn't so. ((HUGS))

Lori said...

I can't believe people have the nerve to say such things--it all worked out.

Umm, perhaps that doesn't mean what you think it means.

Like children are interchangeable and one in the arms is worth two in the casket...or urn...or whatever.

Ridiculous.

I think it's normal for your heart to always be tender. You are a mother who wants ALL her children with her.

Sweet girl certainly can bring you so much joy and restoration, but doesn't bring your twins back and never will.

Lots of love

AKD said...

Oh, I totally, totally get this. I had a coworker post a comment on a photo of our little A saying, "This just makes all of the struggle worth it, doesn't it?" She is amazing and I would give my life for her, but it doesn't make losing Maddie okay. That's impossible. I just ignored the comment.

Nan & Mike said...

UGH....

SIGH....

HUGS xxx

sara/emerging butterfly said...

(hug)

Yeah...there's no ignoring that big scar left on your heart. Even if you forget it's there from time to time...enjoying life, laughing, living, breathing...and then, you look...and it's still there. (hug) Thank you for your honesty...

Bluebird said...

I totally understand. And I have yet to come up with an answer that validates all of my children. ((Hugs))

iamstacey said...

Of course you're still grieving. I suspect you always will. I know you're disappointed that the new didn't ease the former as much as you wanted it to. I know you want to feel more joy in the new. Don't be hard on yourself. Be where you are. It's ok.

Catherine W said...

I'm surprised people would be so insensitive as to say that to you. I suppose I feel a bit the same.

Some of it did 'all work out in the end.' Beautifully, amazingly so.

But it doesn't fix the pain and it doesn't change what happened. I think I'll always be a little tender.

Of course you still grieve for, and miss, Aiden and Sophie. x

Holly said...

I really don't think the grieving ever stops. I think it just changes with the seasons of our lives.

Infertile said...

Thank you for sharing your honest feelings of grief amidst the joy of your third child. It is such a good reminder that we never really know another's story or pain. Wishing you comfort during the tough time and savoring the good ones.