Bittersweet

Today we had a "welcome to the world" party for Avery with some of my husband's family-I didn't really want a shower before the baby got here, so we waited until she got here.

I was crabby all morning before we left and couldn't really figure out why.

But, really, I know why. It's because deep down, each thing I do with A sometimes reminds me of what I didn't get to do with the twins.

I imagine how different it would be with both of them. How special having twins, you know?

I know this is not fair to A, but I've tried to fight it, and I just can't push it back far enough in my brain.

I celebrate her. But I miss them, too.

I wear my sophie and aiden bracelet. Their necklace.

Today we got home and there was a letter from the county. A's birth certificates.

Imagine my surprise when I open the birth certificates and they do NOT say DECEASED diagonally across the entire certificate.

Actually, they look different overall, but really, the lack of deceased stamp is really a good thing.

Amazing, actually.

I'm so happy. So, so happy.

But I opened the birth certificate and burst into tears as I was coming up the driveway.

I'm sad. I catch myself thinking of the babies. Getting weepy a little more often again. It is just so bittersweet. I love this baby so, so much. More than I could imagine, as you know-but I think we will always feel incomplete without our beautiful first babies.

This is hard. So good. But hard.

A mish mash

I have been writing posts in my head for 13 days. Each night before I fall asleep I have to try to process things in my head instead of writing them out-mostly because I stink at writing one handed and I just refuse to put the baby down. She sleeps a lot-I could probably get a lot done-but I'd rather just sit and stare at her.

First, though, I wanted to thank you ALL so much for the support on my last post. I read each comment and cried and my heart eased and I just needed to realize that it just doesn't matter. It can't. Yes, my body failed again (day 13 and not a single drop of milk-not colustrum, either-nothing-the ob thinks either it's hormonal or perhaps I had hormonal issues when I was young and my breast tissue didn't develop the way they are supposed to), but I have a healthy baby that is here and thank GOD for formula. She's thriving and gaining weight and happy and that has to be all that matters. So, again, thank you, and I am at peace with it and honestly, while I would have definitely chosen to breastfeed, there are a lot of advantages to ff, and I'm going to embrace them :)

Other than that, I have so much going through my head. It is completely surreal to have a baby here at home. Each time I do something, I am close to tears for the gratitude that I feel. Things I have envied and hoped and prayed for and begged for. Taking Avery to the store. Walking into her room with her. Changing her diaper. Listening to her cry. Giving her a bath. Putting her in her stroller. Playing lullabies. Trying to sing (I stink!) to her. Rocking in her chair. Staring into her eyes. All of it is amazing. And I am the luckiest person on this planet.

But the past is there. Mostly, it's her lips. She has the same lips as Aiden and Sophie. They both had so many tubes and wires on their faces, but you could see their lips very clearly. And when she is sleeping, her mouth makes a little O and I can see what I think they would have looked like. It makes me both happy and so desperately sad that I am so unsure of my emotions. It's wondering how in the world people do this with twins. It's so hard and I start to doubt myself-maybe this all happened because I never could have been a good enough mom to twins. I know that's not true, deep down-you do it because you have to-but the doubt is planted. I think about how different it would be if they were here, beautiful 1 year olds, helping to love their little sister.

While she sleeps, she makes the greatest facial expressions. She smiles, and I'm sure she's talking with her brother and sister. Telling them how it's going. Reporting to them that we are doing fine and that we miss them.

I, of course, have the "usual" irrational fears of something horrible happening to her. Everytime I walk from my bedroom to hers, I feel as though I might drop her over the railing to the stairs on accident after tripping or something crazy like that. I hold onto her so tightly it's ridiculous. I am SO thankful for the AngelCare Monitor (all rainbow mommies should consider this, in my opinion!). I -literally-didn't sleep for more than maybe an hour a day, 20 minutes at a time while the baby was getting a checkup in the nursery while we were in the hospital. I had to stay awake and watch her to make sure she was still breathing. Once we got home and that monitor was on, I finally got some very, very much needed rest (mainly for my sanity).

I'm thankful that I don't (at least yet) have any symptoms of ppdepression. I told hubby he needed to keep an eye on me, just because I feel like I'm a good candidate because of our history.

I am so thankful to be here, on this side of pregnancy after loss. While my anxiety is definitely still there, I'm so grateful that we are not relying on MY body anymore. That I'm not the only one responsible for making sure she's still moving and how often and drinking enough water and testing blood sugar and eating the right foods. I never thought I'd get here and so many of you had to (and still are) waiting for much longer than me. I'm praying for you every single day. I'm hopeful for you.

I still owe you a birth story. It's nothing that exciting, but I feel for my sake that I need to pound it out anyway.

A few pics? Ok :)

stressed

Ok, I am not sure what else to say, but I need some support.
I cannot breastfeed. I have no milk. None. It's day 8 after delivery and after "breastfeeding" every 2 to 2.5 hours for 15 minutes on each side, and pumping for 15 minutes in between each feeding, there are still-literally-drops of milk. Not even a ml.
After she lost an entire pound from her birthweight, I started giving her a full amount of formula in a bottle(was supplenting by cup feeding before that), but still putting her to the breast and pumping, and she is gaining weight again.
But it's too much. I have to quit. It takes so long to breastfeed, then give formula, then pump. And every time I pump and look at those stupid empty bottles, I get depressed. And she has a perfect latch. And she loves to breastfeed. She's the perfect breastfeeder. And again, my body fails. It doesn't do what it's supposed to do.
I've seen a lactation consultant-every day in the hospital and twice in the week since we got out. She told me I did everything I could and shouldn't beat myself up over it. I sat in her office and Avery fed for 20 minutes off both sides and she gained ZERO (they weighed her with one of those sensitive scales before and after). I have pcos and she says they are seeing more and more research with infertility linked to poor milk supply. Heck, I'd take poor milk supply. But I have none. None.
I got the herb fenugreek, which gave me severe diarrhea (sorry if tmi) and gave me a two day long headache.
I give up.
And while I know, rationally, that it's not my fault and that she'll be completely healthy and fine, why do I feel so guilty?
I'm just looking for someone to tell me it's ok.
I know I shouldn't need it, but I do.
I just give up :(

Some pictures

Things are crazy here. Avery has jaundice and is on a bili blanket here at home, breastfeeding is not going well (as in, I have no breast milk) and she has lost 10 % of her body weight. So, of course, I blame my body for never doing anything right (although she did get here somehow, so I can't say nothing) and have appointments up the wazoo with lactation consultants and the pediatrition. Really, though, she's beautiful and overall doing well, and if my milk never comes in because of my pcos, and I have to continue to give her formula, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, so I've decided I need to not stress.
Anyway, I owe you all a birth story, and I'm working on it. Mostly, though, my feelings have been of complete and total elation along with pings of -how would we have done this with twins? and staring at her and seeing how similar she looks to both of them. It's overwhelming, but being able to bring her home has been the most amazing thing.
Ok, well, it's just about time for another feeding, so I'll go-but I have like 13 posts drafted in my head so you'll hear from me soon! Here are some pics to tide you over :)

Where my Heart Is

Not a pose, I promise-she just loves her brother and sister. :) Brian snapped this picture while we were cuddling and I melted. I love it so much.

Avery Elizabeth

Born by C-Section at 8:50 a.m. July 10th, 2010

Weighing in at a HEALTHY 8 lbs 8 ozs!!!!!!!!!

She is so beautiful and so perfect and I couldn't have done this without all of your support. More to come, but in the meantime, she is hungry!

Reversal

So I have spent every single moment since last October pleading with the universe for this baby to stay IN. I still worked, but I pretty much put myself on modified bedrest during the crazy weeks during which my water broke last time. I didn't lift so much as a laundry basket (and my husband made sure of that!). I took every vitamin I could get my hands on to fight infection and I saw a psychologist to try to keep myself as calm as I could (which didn't necessarily always work!). I drank water by the gallons to build up amniotic fluid. When I found out I had GD, I stuck to that diet that you would not believe. I even bought this hypnosis cd called "Baby Stay In."

And now, I sit here, desperate. So seriously desperate. Why can I not just relax? Because I have read too many stories. I know about babies that just stop living inside their moms. I know about babies that get hurt during birth. I wish I didn't know, but I do. And I wonder if she's staying in so long because something is going to happen.

I just want her out. And it's not because I'm "uncomfortable" or because I happened to pack an entire package of Oreos in my hospital bag since I haven't had a cookie in 4 months, or because I want to be able to sleep on my stomach again. It's because I am so. freaking. afraid. that she isn't going to make it to the outside.

I keep having these flashbacks. Ones I haven't had in a few months now. The major one that keeps popping up is up there with one of the worst moments in my life. Sophie had just been born, and they whisked her away so quickly to the NICU that we didn't get to see her. I was in the middle of pushing with Aiden when "some lady" (who I find out later was the neonatologist) comes in and says, "Sophie is not responding well. Do you want her baptised?"
She is frantic.
I am freaking pushing a baby out and I am telling you that I can't even fully register what she is saying to me. I looked at Brian, who just looked at me with these terrified eyes. And he answered slowly, "No, I don't think so. Thank you."

Later we talked about it. Neither of us could actually comprehend that what she was saying was Sophie was dying. As it turned out, she lived another 8 hours or so, and we were able to have her baptised, but the damage had been done. We had made one of those decisions where we just couldn't even know what was going on. Parenting decision number one and we had totally botched it. We just had no clue.

It bothers me that I keep flashing back to this, but I can't seem to escape it. I guess the fact is that I'm still terrified of birth. Sure, I've done it before, but this will be very different and I'm afraid. All I want is for labor to begin, but I'm terrified. I'm so scared they will tell me I need an emergency c-section. I don't care about having a c-section, it's the emergency part that scares me. I'm so scared that she'll start to get under distress. I'm scared something will happen that we don't know about.

My due date is Saturday. I have an appt Friday and we'll decide then what to do if I'm still pregnant. They won't let me go but a few days past 40 due to the GD, but those few days are insane for me. I know it's ok. I know it's ok. I know it's ok.

My goal for today is to find something to DO. Not just sit around, waiting for any little twinge and wondering if it is a sign of something. I was so glad for school to be over, but I am honestly bored now and I've watched so much tv and read so many books and we just don't have a ton of money to spend nor can we drive anywhere really-so I need a project. I was going to bake, but it's too hard for me to have that stuff in my house or anywhere near me when I can't eat it!

Love to you all :) Hoping my next post will be the one!