Sunday, March 4, 2012

I am weak.

I am already taking a break from trying to conceive. I never imagined it would happen this way.
How can I seriously continue to look at ultrasounds with two follicles, two would be babies, and have to sit back and do nothing?
This time they were two different sizes. Since one was ahead, I went back the next day. Hoping the bigger one was still ahead, and that we could trigger ovulation with the other still too small to have a mature egg.
Instead, the bigger one had barely grown. And the smaller one had grown 2 mm. The doctor explained, apologetically, that she wasnt comfortable with the 15 mm could maybe have an egg, and what if we were wrong about the size? I mean, she said, think of how small 1 mm is...

Off I went to my 4 th graders, trying hard not to cry. Plan b, for next time, half a pill of the smallest dose of the most mild ovulation med. Plan c would be to use injectibles, which I could take at a very small dose. It got so heavy, so fast ( for me, of course, those of you going, oh , honey, I wish I had your problems...).

Ironic, right? DOnt ovulate, then DO. Want twins, but cant, but look!

I just think maybe I wasnt ready. But, in any case, these three months have stressed me out, made me gain a little weight, and the kicker was one day Avery saw me crying and said, "Mommy owie?". It just hit me that my baby girl is so big. I dont want her to see me crying.

Im certainly not giving up. Hubby and I are going to watch what we eat more seriously, focus on our health, and things will be much easier in the summer when Im off for the zillion appointments.

Just wanted to give a little update, sweet friends. Thinking of you all, always.


Sarita Boyette said...

Oh, Christy, I've just now got caught up reading your blog. I'm so sorry for your disappointments and the way you were treated at your previous ultrasound. I know this must hurt so badly and I hope & pray that your quest to have another child will become easier. You are not weak - you are the strong mother of 3, even stronger because two of them are angels, and you want to add another someone to love to your family. Sending love & hugs to you, and prayers to Heaven. xoxo

Hope's Mama said...

You, my friend, are anything but weak. We're here for you.

Holly said...

It has to be hard to have the 2 each time and want to be able to move forward but can't. ((hugs))

Catherine W said...

You aren't weak my dear. Anything but weak.

And I just can't imagine what having the potential of twins within my grasp would do to my mind. As you say, want twins but can't. And it must be unbearable to look.

Hoping that things get easier come the summer, I'm sorry that it has to be so hard xo

Lori said...

Yeah, I'm going to have to steal the 'weak' title from, no, no way. In fact, just going through all of this...having the courage to do so and then the strength to take all the pitfalls and still function...that's BRAVERY. And unfailing strength.

I hate this all for you. I want you to know that to some degree, I get least the infertility part and the whole craptasticness THAT is. And I get being cautious about two. Totally.

All my love friend...xoxoxo

Angela said...

Hugs, friend. How heartbreaking it all is. You are definitely NOT weak.

With Out My Punkin said...

igHow did I miss that you guys are trying??!! <3 Sending you lots of love!!!!

Deni said...

Somehow I missed that you were doing this again too. I'm sorry that it's so stinking hard, so not just hopping in bed and doing the mommy/daddy dance like it is for so many other people. I wish I could make this easy for you! Just sending you love and hugs, so many hugs!

Malory said...

Hugs to you xoxo