Sunday, November 13, 2011

A parallel universe

As time goes by, I think that in real life there are VERY few people that "get" me. I don't think I felt as judged right in the beginning of my grief journey as I do now.
I just had a talk with one of my best friends, someone who I met in blogland but has transferred into my real life, although we don't live near each other. Anyway, I called to ask her how you know when you are actually depressed.
Like, how do you know when you are supposed to ask for help, or get put on drugs, or whatever? How do you know when it stops being "situational" and starts being plain old depression?
I don't want to go on medication. I don't want to go see my doctor. I don't want to go back to the shrink.
I'm doing my job. I'm loving on Avery. My house is spotless and I'm paying my bills and sending out birthday cards to my annoying relatives at the right times.
I'm not sleeping too much (in fact, hardly at all if we're going to analyze that) or laying on the couch ignoring my family like they do in those commercials.
A lot of times, I feel happy. Avery makes me laugh so hard sometimes I cry of happiness. She is hysterical, that girl. She makes the funniest faces and talks in her own little language and knocks over the kids at daycare to steal their snacks.
I think I love my new job, the 4th graders, and I'm much less stressed at work. I have the nicest class in the history of the universe.
But then, I still cry. And I still get so MAD because I watch Avery do something and wonder why Sophie and Aiden didn't get to do it. I get so hurt when I watch people with their twins.
Today is the 13th. 31 months since they lived and died. We went out for ice cream. We've gone out for ice cream on the 13th or 14th every single month since they were born.
Today I thought, we should stop. We should stop this. We can't eat ice cream every month for the rest of our lives.
But maybe we could.
I went to see the musical Jekyll and Hyde this week.
Sometimes I feel like that-like I am two separate, complete people. One woman, who is so happy, so blessed, so lucky.
One who is so sad. So unfortunate. So judged. So sad. In such despair.

There's more than "just" the twins. There's my father, who is absent from my life. Who was so horrible to me an my family. Who is always trying to get back in. Who lays on the guilt. Who is mentally ill.

There's the fact that my father in law died of cancer right before we got pregnant with the twins.

There's the fact that his wife and daughter are depressed and have their own mental illnesses, who add so much to the guilt I feel all the time.

There's the fact that my husband and I are doing very well, but we are so stressed and I feel a little disconnected from him.

There's the fact that I think I want to have another baby, but I feel absolutely CRAZY for even wanting to try that.

I feel like I can never be truly happy.
But that I'm not really depressed.

I wish my mom lived closer. I wish my family wanted to be around Avery. She's so amazing. I wish they knew how important it was to me to remember my babies.

You can tell me. If you think I should be past this. If you think I should go talk to my doctor. Because I really don't know. I really don't know when I'm supposed to say, ok, lady, you need to get it together. You're too sad. You're just too sad.

I wish someone would tell me.

I just wish it were all different.

But I love Avery so much, so I can't wish it was too different anymore.

Ugh. Two different people. Two different lives. Two different universes.


Bree said...

Christy, I seriously wrote this post in my head all week long. That phrase, "parallel universe" has been flashing in my mind for a week. I want to know the answer. How do I know when I'm depressed? I mean, I know i'm depressed. But, how do I know when enough is enough? Would drugs even help since it won't make all the "situations" go away. We are soul sisters, I tell you. Makes me wish you were here in my every day life even more. Love you.

Katlyn Hudgins said...

I have never commented on here but I felt like I had to on this post. I have not given birth and lost in the way you have. I lost two of my babies this year, six months and one day apart. I feel the double life bit more and more. I have my moments realizing how blessed I am and then I feel the moments when it is so dark I will never see the light again.
I am praying for you to find healing. Whether through medicine or whatever it takes. Although, sometimes I feel like I don't want to heal. Sometimes this pain feels good because it means I remember... said...

So sorry to hear how you're feeling... there is such a blurred line between depression and living this life of a BLM that is changed forever. Is there a counsellor/doc you could talk with ? I've found that it's helped me so much to understand myself just that little bit better through all this chaos. Thank you for your comment... please let me know if you're having trouble accessing my private blog xoxo

Hope's Mama said...

Oh woman, I get you. I think the more time that passes, the less tolerance people have for me and my grief. My grace period is well and truly up. If I was misunderstood back in those early months when the grief was all there was, then I'm misunderstood now when people think/assume I'm all better, when I'm not.
I get you. I get this.

AKD said...

It is always going to hurt, but I know going to my grief counselor helped me deal much better. I still allow myself times to grieve, but I try to do it in a healthy way and style - a counselor can teach you that. It is always going to hurt, but the hurt can be more appropriate, if that makes sense.

Please call if you want or need to talk.

Nan & Mike said...

Hi sweetie,
Its comforting to know we all are not alone in this, thank you for writing me. I just wrote a post kind of in answer to yours...I would love to chat one night, text me your availibility ok? Love you....sooooo with you (and Bree too!). xoxoxox Nan

Amy Lagerquist said...

You wrote what I've been wondering in my head for the past couple of months. My loss was only a bit over 3 months ago - of twins, too - and I know from resources at CLIMB and the wonderful women who are on the e-mail and Facebook support groups for CLIMB that it will take years of hard grieving to get through what we've been through. I was diagnosed with major depression in my early 20s and spent 7 years on Prozac and in counseling before I finally "outgrew" it. I try to look objectively at myself often, though, to judge whether I might be headed back there. So far, no. My DH and I are in two in-person support groups, I'm doing acupuncture for stress and anxiety, and checking in on blogs (and writing on my own) as ways to heal. I do think the lines are very blurred between depression and normal grief...but there is no "you should be over it by now," and anyone who ever says that to you is a flaming idiot who clearly has never walked this path.

Deni said...

I certainly have no answer for you, but I'm super glad you're loving the new job. I think you can get ice cream every month for the rest of your life and that's not a problem at all!!! I know that going to my counselor helps, I'm not sure I would be surviving my mentally ill mother if I weren't going to a counselor--honestly! So, just sending love!!! I think you need to be worried if you can't get happy, if the sadness envelopes you and you can't find joy in things you should, which is not the case with you--you're doing good! As good as can be done when your babies are gone! Love and hugs!

Betsy Lauren said...

Thanks for following my blog and keeping up with us. Prayers for you and your sweet family!

With Out My Punkin said...

(((((hugs)))) I think it is part of the grieving process. We are mommies and we have babies that we didn't get to see grow up.

Anonymous said...

Maybe a grief counselor would be a better option than a doctor? They could at least tell you if they thought you should see a doc, I would think. But I don't think you should be "over it." It will always be a part of you, don't be ashamed of that. And maybe it would be good if you could see the counselor together, maybe that would help you reconnect some.

Jessica said...

Hello, I just read this post, I found your blog on the blogroll over at stirrup queens site. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate this post. I feel like I could have written it myself. It has been 8 months and 8 days since I lost my daughter and I am in that same place where I feel like I will "never be truly happy, but not totally depressed" either. I am in a constant fog between being depressed and being happy, which usually results in a mediocre funk. Anyway, thank you for this post, it helps to know I am not crazy and alone in feeling this way.