Changes

I don't exactly know how it happened.
I don't exactly know when it happened.
But, you know when something good (or bad) happens, you want to pick up your phone and tell someone right away? Or you want to get online and send an e-mail. Or a text.
Well, slowly...the people that I want to tell right away are not my "normal" friends. They're not the friends that I've had since high school or college, or even the ones I've made at my job here.
It's my friends that I have never even met. It's the friends that e-mail me to check on me. Call me to tell me they're thinking of me.
Some of the people I've met in bloggy land are some of the kindest, most thoughtful people I have ever known. And, I'd go out and say that I don't think it's losing a baby that necessarily made them that way. I mean, I know it humbles you, changes you, changes your perspective on life. But some of the words and support that I have gotten from all of you has changed me.
Then there's the fact that I have so much in common with a lot of you. I mean, Angie, who else can I chat with for hours at a time about early 90s rap music?
And I talk to Jen about reality tv, and Tina about teaching and Courtney about...well, you get the picture. I just genuinely LIKE them as people.
This summer, I am going to meet a bloggy friend in person (Bree from Baby Butterfly Ella-do you know her? She's fabulous). I guess you would consider her my bloggy bestie. :) My husband has a conference for work near where she lives and Avery and I are going to go along for the trip since the hotel is paid for and A flies for free. I'm so excited! Bree and I lost our first children within a month of each other, got pregnant with our rainbows within in a month of each other, and they are just two months apart in age.
So, people lately have asked what I'll do while Brian is at the conference, and so, I started to tell a few people that I was going to meet up with someone. I feel like...I don't know. I feel like I met a boyfriend using match.com and I have to fess up to my family about it! LOL. I don't know why I even worry about it. But the truth is-I feel SUCH a disconnect from my friends here. I still see them, hang out with them. But I don't feel like I can trust them. I don't feel like I can trust them with what I ACTUALLY feel. This grief is so diffrent. The thoughts in my head are so different. It's so amazing to have people that just get it. That I don't have to explain myself, or hold back information. Some of my deepest, darkest things I have been able to say aloud. And instead of judgment, I get a head nodding right along with what I'm saying.
I guess I don't know what the point of this post is, except that today, on Mother's Day in the U.S., I had bunch of people wish me Mother's Day for the first time.
And then I had those that wishing me Happy Mother's Day for the THIRD time. And that means so much to me. And because of that, when something happens to me, I want to pick up the phone and tell the people that are so kind to me. But I feel so sad about the fact that I have ruined the friendships I used to have. I kind of stopped trying a while ago. I'm so much more of a homebody now. And probably that will change-Avery will make friends and join things and we'll be forced out. But for now, she's a great reason to stay home.
This is going round and round and I think you know what I mean, but thank you. Thank you if you've ever commented, thank you for still commenting when I don't have very time to any more :(, thank you for being there for me. For being my friend.
And happy mother's day to all of you-no matter what part of motherhood you find yourself in.