Sunday, May 8, 2011

Changes

I don't exactly know how it happened.
I don't exactly know when it happened.
But, you know when something good (or bad) happens, you want to pick up your phone and tell someone right away? Or you want to get online and send an e-mail. Or a text.
Well, slowly...the people that I want to tell right away are not my "normal" friends. They're not the friends that I've had since high school or college, or even the ones I've made at my job here.
It's my friends that I have never even met. It's the friends that e-mail me to check on me. Call me to tell me they're thinking of me.
Some of the people I've met in bloggy land are some of the kindest, most thoughtful people I have ever known. And, I'd go out and say that I don't think it's losing a baby that necessarily made them that way. I mean, I know it humbles you, changes you, changes your perspective on life. But some of the words and support that I have gotten from all of you has changed me.
Then there's the fact that I have so much in common with a lot of you. I mean, Angie, who else can I chat with for hours at a time about early 90s rap music?
And I talk to Jen about reality tv, and Tina about teaching and Courtney about...well, you get the picture. I just genuinely LIKE them as people.
This summer, I am going to meet a bloggy friend in person (Bree from Baby Butterfly Ella-do you know her? She's fabulous). I guess you would consider her my bloggy bestie. :) My husband has a conference for work near where she lives and Avery and I are going to go along for the trip since the hotel is paid for and A flies for free. I'm so excited! Bree and I lost our first children within a month of each other, got pregnant with our rainbows within in a month of each other, and they are just two months apart in age.
So, people lately have asked what I'll do while Brian is at the conference, and so, I started to tell a few people that I was going to meet up with someone. I feel like...I don't know. I feel like I met a boyfriend using match.com and I have to fess up to my family about it! LOL. I don't know why I even worry about it. But the truth is-I feel SUCH a disconnect from my friends here. I still see them, hang out with them. But I don't feel like I can trust them. I don't feel like I can trust them with what I ACTUALLY feel. This grief is so diffrent. The thoughts in my head are so different. It's so amazing to have people that just get it. That I don't have to explain myself, or hold back information. Some of my deepest, darkest things I have been able to say aloud. And instead of judgment, I get a head nodding right along with what I'm saying.
I guess I don't know what the point of this post is, except that today, on Mother's Day in the U.S., I had bunch of people wish me Mother's Day for the first time.
And then I had those that wishing me Happy Mother's Day for the THIRD time. And that means so much to me. And because of that, when something happens to me, I want to pick up the phone and tell the people that are so kind to me. But I feel so sad about the fact that I have ruined the friendships I used to have. I kind of stopped trying a while ago. I'm so much more of a homebody now. And probably that will change-Avery will make friends and join things and we'll be forced out. But for now, she's a great reason to stay home.
This is going round and round and I think you know what I mean, but thank you. Thank you if you've ever commented, thank you for still commenting when I don't have very time to any more :(, thank you for being there for me. For being my friend.
And happy mother's day to all of you-no matter what part of motherhood you find yourself in.

11 comments:

Deni said...

I could've written this post, and I felt like I was confessing something on meeting my first blog friend IRL, or talked about them just like I did any other friend! Luckily, my family has been understanding! I had a convo with one of my IRL friends tonight who has been there and gets it and it was so awesome to know that we can share these feelings and no that no judgment will be passed, but even saying things to my husband he doesn't get it! I was trying to tell him somethings that were said to me that were insulting, and he just thought that I was overeacting!! I told him that there were plenty of people who would understand, and I was talking about y'all! ;) Like that accent for you!!! :)

Hope's Mama said...

I had two more friends delete me off FB this week. She actually said, "I see all your new friends on your page now so you obviously don't need me anymore". I was pissed, to be honest. But she was right, I didn't need her anymore. My life moved in one direction, hers in the other. That's just the way it is.
I have met some precious people in real life through the babyloss community, and it has been one of the only good things to come of this mess.
I'm sorry your circle of friends has changed, but glad you have so many of us to lean on when you need to.
xo

Jen said...

Bree is pretty awesome, and so are you! I agree that I could have posted this myself as well.. Lately I have been trying to limit fb and computer time, so I feel so disconnected..you would think that my 'friends' IRL would notice, but they haven't..the only msgs I ever get are from my BLM and mito moms.. whatever.. I am glad you are getting a trip..you need it and deserve..((hugs))

JenJen said...

I'm so jealous that you're meeting Bree :) She's on my list of blms that I must meet irl! Have fun!

Jill said...

So happy you and Bree are getting together!!! That is just wonderful. It makes me smile!! :) I totally get what you are saying about bloggy friends and friends IRL. Sometimes it is just hard.

AKD said...

Christy, pronounced with an Umpty, I love you with all my heart.

I get this post, and it makes me happy. It makes me smile to look through the comments on FB and see that so many of them are you all. People who get it, who know.

Bree said...

I was just telling my friend yesterday, you are my favorite real life friend and Christy is my favorite bloggy friend (soon to be real, yay!). :) Love you and you make perfect sense. xo

Sarita Boyette said...

Christy, I do understand! The bloggy world has helped me so much with my depression & grief.Some of my family didn't understand why we had a party for M last October, for her 36th BD. But all of you, you understand completely! You are a beautiful mother, not ALMOST a mother! You have been a mother since your Sophie and Aiden were in your womb. I have to admit I want to meet Bree, too! I hope you have a terrific time! xoxo

Love's mom FOREVER said...

I understand what you are saying. But I had to laugh about the match.com comment, because I actually DID meet my hubby that way! lol He hit the jackpot b/c I was the FIRST person he ever met on line and he married me! (He was my 3rd date, so I guess I lucked out too. My sister has been doing it for years and still hasn't met anyone good). Anyways, I used to lie about how we met and tell people that my sister hooked us up (which was sort of true, since she was the one that FORCED me to go online...). Well, one day I decided to fess up to a friend of mine that I met my new boyfriend online and she actually laughed in my face!!!! Like a full gaffaw right in my face. I was NOT impressed. Well, the joke is on her because here we are, eight years later, married with one live son (and one daughter in heaven) and we are still madly in love. My point is, it doesn't matter where you meet the people in your life. What matters is what they bring to your life. And here, we BLM's can support each other with tears of sorrow as well as tears from laughter and everything in between. I am so glad you have met so many people that bring you comfort.
-Brooke

With Out My Punkin said...

Bree is awesome!!
I can totally relate.

iamstacey said...

It's so awesome you all are getting together! I hope you have a blast! :)