Sunday, April 17, 2011

This week



On Tuesday night, the day before the twins' birthday, I tried to help myself get a release from my grief. I went through the photos, I made a facebook group for their birthday, I re-read some of my blog posts from the very beginning. I uploaded their footprints for the first time:


The day of, I was numb. I went through the day in a weird state of indifference to everything. I took advice from some of you and went to the computer lab and gave the students a project to do so that it was still worthwhile, but I still didn't have to stand in front of the class and teach.

When I got home from work, my friend Sarah rang the doorbell and had made me this:

My husband then came home from picking up Avery from daycare. He was equipped with french fries for me (how thoughful is that!?) and this from my daycare provider (who has talked a lot with me over the past few weeks):

Then I got this candle in a package from a very good friend of mine:

I also got a beautiful ornament from the beautiful Bree and another ornament from the amazing Tina. I got cards, e-mails, texts.

I felt like they are so loved. I know that this year they are remembered. It makes my heart full.

That night, I went to sleep feeling so-weird. And, for the first time, I had a dream in which my little Sophie and Aiden made an appearance. It was amazing. I have been so jealous of those who have had dreams about their babies. I typically don't see faces in dreams, and this was not any different, but I knew it was them. They were toddlers with blond hair. I knew they looked like Avery. I knew we were all together and it made me so happy. I woke up feeling confused but peaceful.

Then, on Saturday, I had planned a surprise birthday lunch for one of my friends from college. It was a 1.5 hour drive and on the way home, I could feel things building. It's a long story, but I get home, click on the internet and realize that my step-father has de-friended my husband and me from facebook. I called my mom. Screamed at her. Then hung up on her.
Then I sat here and sobbed.
I cried so hard my contacts popped out and I was gagging and I just kept screaming, "I want my babies back. I want my babies back." I know each of you are reading this, nodding along-I know that feeling. I know that feeling of losing control.

I had a total breakdown. Today, my head is still a little fuzzy and my eyes a little puffy.
I really think that my body knew I needed to keep it all in. And then once my responsibilities were over , I had that release that I knew I needed.

Then, I gathered myself, called my mom and apologized. Figured out the Facebook fiasco (seriously sometimes HATE facebook). Went to bed early and slept for 12 hours (thank you, dear husband, for letting me sleep in!). Today, we went to the mall so Avery could meet the Easter bunny. I will leave you with this picture. I'll scroll it down a little in case you're not the in place in your journey to see a LC.











14 comments:

New Year Mum said...

All my heart and thoughts to you for your twins' birthday... lovely that they were in your dreams. Love always xoxo

Sarita Boyette said...

I love Avery's picture!
I'm so glad you got lots of support on Sophie & Aiden's BD and gifts to help you remember your babies by - also that you had a dream about them. xoxo

Aurora Flores said...

You don't always have to be strong. Sometimes, you just need to let it all out. I'm glad that you dreamt about you little ones, it's such a reassuring feeling. Avery looks beautiful. You're in my thoughts.

Mary said...

Sending you lots of strength for the twins birthday. I know its hard, I'm certainly not looking forward to my little one's first birthday. I love the pic of Avery and the Easter Bunny though. Very cute!

AKD said...

I've got tears in my eyes for you, my dear friend. I just don't have any other words than that my heart is hurting for you.

Jen said...

I think we all need to just let it out now and then.. I love A's picture..((hugs))

Deni said...

So glad you saw your babies in the dream! What a peaceful sign from them, and for the meltdown, you were certainly due one and it's quite alright, cathartic I imagine! Sending love! :)

sara/emerging butterfly said...

((HUG)) I lost my twins two years ago on the 22nd. Earth day. I think of you often...when I'm crying about my twins. It doesn't help in one way to know I'm not the only one.....but your words certainly resonate with my heart. Sending you warmth...

Michele said...

((hugs))

Jamie said...

Thinking of you and your little ones. Maybe they know my little girls in heaven. You're very blessed to have such a great support system to remember and honor your babies. I hope to see my twin's in a dream soon..

Ava's mummy said...

Keeping you and your beautiful twins in my thoughts and prayers. It's so amazing when you dream about your angels isn't it, I hope it brought you some peace.

Take care and sending gentleness your way.

Jill said...

Love their precious prints... XO

iamstacey said...

You have such wonderful friends. I'm so glad they can be there for you when your family just isn't.
Avery is just too adorable!

Nicole said...

Love the photo with the bunny! Keep having such strength.

Feel free to check out my personal blog or my photography blog dedicated to my angel girl and my boyfriend. Portion of the proceeds go to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. www.nmmphotography.blogspot.com