Seriously

I am so messed up.

I mean, don't you just feel so seriously screwed up sometimes?

I wake up every morning telling myself that I'm ok. That I'm happy. That I'm blessed.

And I mostly am.

But then there's the times when I catch myself thinking - imagine. Just imagine how happy my life would be if it had never happened.

Can you believe it? Can you believe how horrible and nasty I am? Letting myself think about what it would it be like if they had never existed. Think about what it would be like to have a beautiful baby without having to battle grief.

Because I want to be at peace with it. And smile when I think of them instead of cry. And be comforted in the fact that I love them so, very much.

Instead, I have flashbacks. Terrors. My water breaks. Gush. The nurse making notes on the computer. "One half of belly is soft. One half is hard."
Litmus paper.
"You may have just urinated. You probably just urinated."

My mother, dipping her finger into a little seashell full of water to baptise Sophie because there wasn't a chaplain near enough.

My husband, shaking with sobs. Looking at me to fix the pain.

Seeing people gather around her little isolette.

Watching the numbers slowly go down on his heartbeat.

Decisions. Flash. Flash.

I've seen too many pictures of dead babies.

I watch Avery while she sleeps. And I think of the pictures I've seen of beautiful babies who are dead. I watch her chest rise and fall with her breaths and willing the universe that they continue.

Watching the Angel Care Monitor flash. flash. flash.

I can never be sure she's going to be ok. Never ever. You just don't know what's in the cards.

I don't want to live my life worrying about my daughter dying. Because her brother and sister did.

I feel so unrested. So unsure. So scared.

So happy. So lucky. So blessed.

So freaking PISSED OFF that this happened. So unbelievably angry that they were taken from me.

I am so.messed.up.