Thursday, September 9, 2010


I am so messed up.

I mean, don't you just feel so seriously screwed up sometimes?

I wake up every morning telling myself that I'm ok. That I'm happy. That I'm blessed.

And I mostly am.

But then there's the times when I catch myself thinking - imagine. Just imagine how happy my life would be if it had never happened.

Can you believe it? Can you believe how horrible and nasty I am? Letting myself think about what it would it be like if they had never existed. Think about what it would be like to have a beautiful baby without having to battle grief.

Because I want to be at peace with it. And smile when I think of them instead of cry. And be comforted in the fact that I love them so, very much.

Instead, I have flashbacks. Terrors. My water breaks. Gush. The nurse making notes on the computer. "One half of belly is soft. One half is hard."
Litmus paper.
"You may have just urinated. You probably just urinated."

My mother, dipping her finger into a little seashell full of water to baptise Sophie because there wasn't a chaplain near enough.

My husband, shaking with sobs. Looking at me to fix the pain.

Seeing people gather around her little isolette.

Watching the numbers slowly go down on his heartbeat.

Decisions. Flash. Flash.

I've seen too many pictures of dead babies.

I watch Avery while she sleeps. And I think of the pictures I've seen of beautiful babies who are dead. I watch her chest rise and fall with her breaths and willing the universe that they continue.

Watching the Angel Care Monitor flash. flash. flash.

I can never be sure she's going to be ok. Never ever. You just don't know what's in the cards.

I don't want to live my life worrying about my daughter dying. Because her brother and sister did.

I feel so unrested. So unsure. So scared.

So happy. So lucky. So blessed.

So freaking PISSED OFF that this happened. So unbelievably angry that they were taken from me.

I am so.messed.up.


Bree said...

We are not normal. I really have nothing else to say. It's hard. It sucks. I miss Ella every minute, too. They look alike... I wonder if Ella's personality would have been like Nora's... I wonder where Nora's birth certificate is...Then, I remember that Ella has a death certificate. Our joy and our sadness will be forever intertwined. xo

Michele said...

Honey, we are all so messed up. You are so right. Even when you come to a certain level of peace about the situation your are never at peace completely with it... I mean, how could you be? I wonder so much, all the time. It hurts always. But there is joy and sweetness. And, although that fear of losing them is so ever present, I truly believe that we are able to enjoy them more completely because we know just what it is to lose someone so precious.

Brianna said...

If you're messed up, then so am I. Sometimes I have to walk in an check on my rainbow baby just to make sure he's breathing. I don't know that that feeling will ever go away, and he's only 3 weeks old. Then there's the guilt that I feel when I do feel happy and am reminded that he wouldn't be here if my twins hadn't died. Unfortunately, I think these feelings will remain forever.

Jen said...

I agree with Bree, we are no longer normal..we're forever changed. I've even noticed guilt flickering when I have a moments of 'the old me'..Every night I hold Lily and rock her and beg God to let me keep her, in both ways, keep her from her insane family, but keep her on this earth..I watch her sleep and want to shake her to wake her up, I can't stand sleeping babies. I use to adore them, the pics, but now, its too person and in pictures.
I don't know if its because Lily is not from me, but sometimes I even hold her and can imagine its Ella, I can breathe her in and close my eyes and for a second, I imagine.. who does stuff like that? well..we do..I do.. we've been through hell and back and can't be expected to come out unscathed..big hugs friend..

Once A Mother said...

i am messed up right along with you. there is no going back from this. :(

Lisette said...

Add me to list of "messed up" I wish it wasn't so. I don't know how we manage most of the time. No one can understand the fear and happiness we have unless they have lost a child, ((HUGS)).

margaret said...

I am there with you...completely messed up, for life I believe. It's not all bad all the time but I definitely have more than my share of moments wondering why the fuck this has happened to me(us). And I agree...I too have seen far too many pictures of beautiful babies who should be alive and wiggling in their mother's arms rather than being dead. It changes you and there is nothing we can do to take it away...thankfully we have each other. If it weren't for you other women who understand the pain, the fear, the horror, surely I would have gone mad by now. Wishing you more peaceful days ahead and sending you much love. xo

Tina said...

I could have written this myself Christy. I sometimes find myself wishing none of it would have ever happened, but then feel so guilty for even thinking such a thing. Life for us will never be the same and it sucks. However, I don't think it is all bad because through our losses we really have gained so many things (at least in my opinion.) Don't get me wrong I would trade them all in a second if it meant I could have my girls back, but I am grateful they were here for the brief time they were...but it still sucks! Thinking of you dear friend. xx

Catherine W said...

You aren't horrible or nasty. I know I've never met you in person but I would bet my last cent that you aren't either of those two things!

I've often wondered if I would be more at ease if I had never fallen pregnant with twins, if I had always had just J. If my introduction to motherhood had been a little less. . . complicated. Contemplating how life would be if Sophie & Aiden had never existed doesn't mean you don't love them. Not at all.

I don't think I will ever escape from thoughts of the girls' early birth and the NICU. I am surprised how often I think about it all, two years down the line. It is never far from the front of my mind.

I feel all the things you describe. Guess I'm messed up too. But I think that I could never understand how truly lucky I am to be a mother if it hadn't happened this way, I don't think I would love J with the sharp, breathtaking love that I do if her sister hadn't died. Because I wouldn't know how to.

But it was too high a price to pay and I'd hand back all the insight and knowledge if I could just have my little girl back. Sigh.

Love to you and Avery xo

AKD said...

This post made me cry, because I understand so much. I look at Alice and just feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something bad to happen because her sister died. It hurts so bad, but I also know that I'm so blessed, and so happy. I am sending you all so much love, Christy.

Lori said... are in good company.

I would never, ever, ever trade knowing and loving and mothering Matthew for a single second.

But oh yes...would I just love it if I had no clue. If I didn't have any idea of what I was missing.

And always will.

It feels like betrayal saying that, but the pain is so horrible sometimes that I just can't help but think it.

Lots of love, friend!

Candice and Rob Beal said...

hey I just found your blog, I was just going to let you know that your being prayed for tonight....

Candice Beal

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for all you've lost. I hate it that all that happened steals your joy from today. I wish all three of your babies were in your arms today.