Almost a Mother

I have come here to blog so many times in the past few weeks. So much goes through my head, and I just dont think I can even articulate it in words.
I am just about 31 weeks into this pregnancy.  This is when I finally relax about about having a micropreemie, and start panicking about kick counts and stillbirth and low fluid, and a million other things I have not experienced but have read about.
Last weekend we painted a room.  We painted it blue.  I have a room in my house with a little girl and one Im now getting ready for a little boy.
I had some friends ask me about a shower and I heard myself saying yes.  I almost couldnt believe it.
I just want to believe. I want to wash the little blue clothes and put the choo choo trains on the wall.  I want to stock up on diapers and starting making plans.
This is all old news to you.  I warned you that I dont have much to say.  I feel so guilty because Im supposed to enjoy pregnancy, just be happy, dont take it for granted.  But, the truth is, I hate it.  I hate being pregnant.  It scares the crap out of me, I cant focus at work I am not a great mom to Avery I think my grief for the twins gets a little worse.  I have the stupid gestational diabetes again and it stresses me to the max.  I really, honestly feel like time is standing still.  I keep begging the universe...just help me get Avery a living sibling here and I swear, Ill be done.  I wont push my luck,
I know I should be enjoying my time with just avery ,but frankly, she is 2 and not napping and I have a very stressful class and I am just cranky.  I hate myself for that.  Ugh.
I shouldnt even publish this, but I know some of you are wondering and checking in .im fine, good really, but too full of complaints for my own good.  I know I am lucky, I know I have it good.  I am ready to have this litle boy safely here.
Hope you are all well!