Tuesday, January 24, 2012

All I once had

So, we decided that we wanted to have another baby. A living sibling for Avery. I mean, we've probably always known, but we decided we were "ready." Whatever that means.

I am not one of those people that you read so much about; I didn't suddenly become fertile after having a baby. I still don't ovulate; I still need help. Thankfully, the help I need is "minimal," meaning I take a pill and I ovulate.

It still means a trip to the RE. Which I did.

We decided to take the same plan of action as before. Get period, take femara (like clomid, but has a decreased chance of multiples) have a mid-cycle ultrasound to check and make sure there is only one follicle, timed intercourse, pregnancy.

I knew I needed to keep my head into perspective, not let it get lost in the clouds. I wanted to tell people right away, but I wanted to keep it to myself. The twins and Avery were both conceived on our first round of medication. I seem to be the "most fertile infertile." I am lucky. But I didn't want to convince myself that would happen, for fear of the letdown.

Anyway, the only way I get a period is to take birth control, which I did. Days 3-7 I took my femara. Mood swings, bad headaches, nothing awful.

Yesterday I went in for my mid-cycle ultrasound. DH couldn't go, it was the first day of the semester and he got all new students and I went before school.

The tech inserted the good 'ol va-ja-jay wand, and I watched her measure one follicle in my left ovary at 16 (mm? I don't know what measurement it is). Then I watched her turn her wand, and measure one follicle in my right ovary. 16 again.

I lost it. I freaking lost it. First of all, I had a TERRIBLE doctor's office visit. The doctor was extremely rude to me. She said and did so many things that I don't want to go into (but I did report to the clinic) but after the u/s she did not explain a single thing to me. She said, "Well, it looks like you have one if not two follicles. Great."

Um, excuse me. Is it one OR two ? You see, that's why I'm paying $150 for this ultrasound.

Anyway, she didn't answer any of my questions, but a nurse did later on the phone.

TWO large follicles. One in each ovary. Ready. Waiting.

I am showing other signs of ovulation, which I never have. Cervical mucous, slight cramping.

I cannot believe how hard this is. To skip a cycle. To know that I could make a baby (and quite probably two) right now, but I can't. I have to wait. I have to sit and wait and go against EVERY fiber in my being.

Because, you see, having twins would be too dangerous.
But it's all I ever want.
It's all I had.
It's all I'll never have.

Having twins won't replace Aiden and Sophie. Of course it won't.

But I feel SUCH extreme jealousy when I see twins. That's supposed to be me! ME! That was me, you see. I sat in a restaurant after my ultrasound and I called everyone I knew and screamed in the phone, "TWINS! OMG! YOU GUYS! TWINS!" and I sat in the teacher's lounge with a smug look on my face when someone new would come in and I'd be introduced as the "Twin Mama."

And I bought every twin book I could find. I memorized what I would do to tandem breastfeed. I came up with a gameplan about how I would get two babies in and out of the minivan we had just bought, just for them. I joined the local Moms of Multiples club, and made plans with my mom to go to their huge consignment sale to get ready.

I made their nursery. I watched my husband put up two cribs and two gliders. I carefully chose the paint for their room. I painstakingly picked out two outfits for their coming home outfits. One a size newborn, and one a size "preemie" because, you know, sometimes twins are born early (no one mentioned 16 weeks early, which they don't seem to make a size for at Target.)

I was (am?) a twin mama, but they're not really anywhere to be found. They seem to have vanished. Sometimes, when I'm brave enough, I'll go and touch their urns. It seems so strange to sit there, holding the cold urn, turning it in my hand. Is this really it? This is all?

So, yeah. I want twins again. I WANT TWINS AGAIN.




What if the whole thing happened all over again. What if my water broke and I had to do the whole.damn.thing.over.again.

And what if I could have avoided that, by skipping this cycle?

So, skip we will.

Even if there's nothing in the world I want more. I will move on and try to forget and hope my body will figure out that I just one want follicle, that's all I can handle, I don't know why my babies died and I can't chance it. I have Avery now and I can't be on bedrest. And so even though I'm on the lowest dosage, "You know we can't control how many eggs a woman produces" says the rude doctor with venom in her voice.

Well, excuse me for being upset about it. But I can see on that screen, the chance. The future. All within my grasp. And instead, I have to turn and walk away, and tell my husband that, "No, honey, I'm sorry, it won't be this month for us." And he'll say back, "It'll be ok. It's always ok."

Except it always isn't.


Bree said...

Just a big fat sigh. :(

Aurora Flores said...

I'm so sorry. Hang in there :(

AKD said...

I am so sorry.

We visited my IVF dr last week, too, and got just okay news, I will be thinking of you.

Wiley said...

Nothing good to say except I can say I understand to a slight degree your fear. Our daughter was stillborn along with her twin brother last year and I'm now pregnant with another set of twins. The idea of the risk of multiples is terrifying me. And this was not planned, it was actually actively avoided. My sense of impending doom has improved. I can't bring myself to write the words that a singleton would be easier having experienced losing one twin, but....

Hoping for one great follicle and no more soon.

Lori said...

Oh.my.heart. I just cried and cried reading this.

First, I totally know what 16 mm follicles mean. It means in about 3-5 days, they'll be about 21-22 mm, which is PERFECTO and will drop.

Second, I absolutely know what you mean about being terrified about a twin pregnancy. Not because I've been through the loss of one...but because you have. And so many other women we know have. And I see how much pain that is in your lives and that terrifies me...to have more...and twice it. So, when people tell me, "Oooohhhh...maybe THIS will be your twin cycle!" I want to SLAP them and ask them why on earth they'd want to wish an even higher-risk pregnancy on us??? Yes, I'd love two more children...but not at the risk. I'm too afraid of the risk.

I wish I was closer! I'd love to just come scoop you up and say some not-so-nice things about how crappy this WHOLE process of RE and intervention just to GET pregnant and then being told, "Ummm maybe not this month after all" (we are looking at a possible cancelled cycle ourselves—Boo!) and have a HUGE glass of wine. Don't even know if you are a wine drinker, but I could convince you, trust me!

Thinking of you. Wishing it was all so different...

Angela said...

Aw. :( Breaks my heart. I would love nothing more than for you to have twins again. We all know it never replaces what we lost...I'm so sorry friend :( I'm so proud of you that you are brave enough to try to have another baby. I wouldn't be able to walk away from the chance at twins again, I'm just not strong enough, I would give into my desire. Hugs, friend.

Holly said...

I wish you could go ahead and not have to worry about this. I understand skipping the cycle. I'm sorry you got such a crappy dr who was rude. :( I'm glad you reported it. sending a hug

Catherine W said...

Oh love. This must be so hard. I know I would feel terribly conflicted about having another chance of a twin pregnancy and it must be agonising to have to take this decision.

I'm so sorry that the doctor was rude to you, how unfeeling.

I also feel very jealous when I see twins, I do try not to, they aren't MY twins after all! But it is something that seems incredibly special, I could scarcely believe that it had happened to me. Little old me who never has anything out of the ordinary happen to her!

And to have that within your grasp and to step back. . . ah, my heart. I'm so sorry, I really wish this could be easier, that it could be ok. But you're right, sometimes it feel as though it never is.

Love to you, C xo

Tina said...

You know...I totally get it. TWINS!!! I was supposed to have twins and really, that's what I've wanted ever since. Not to say I'm not SOOO thrilled to have Gigi, but for the first 6 mos of my pg with her, every us, I secretly hoped they would find "the other baby." Love to you my friend. xo

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