And reaching out. Scrambling to find help.
I reached for my computer. When Brian went back to work, I laid in bed, searching. I would google "I lost my babies." "What to do when your baby dies." "I lost my twins."
Infant mortality, pprom, prematurity, grief, losing a baby, losing twins....
The list goes on and on.
Some of the things I found made me angry. At one point, I remember finding a site with dead baby jokes.
But then, I found a blog. I started reading, and never stopped. The internet became my home, my support system. It became a safe place I could go to tell my feelings to others who understood, who didn't judge, who knew I was ok, but was in the deepest, darkest place possible.
I can honestly say that I don't know what would have happened had I not found my little internet community. Had I not made connections with people from all around the world who shared my hurt, and also shared my hope.
I was so lucky to be able to take a trip recently and meet in person some of the beautiful, beautiful women I have shared this journey with.
Brian had a conference for work across the country, and one of my very best blog friends is from there, but it's a huge state-so I just asked her if she lived close to where we'd be. Long story shot, a freeway closing turned a "maybe lunch" into 3 full days of Avery and I staying at her (gorgeous) house! THEN, another gorgeous friend drove hours to visit us and the next day we went just a short way to see one more friend who is on bedrest now with her pregnancy.
It was so healing for me, so easy, so fun, to be around these women. They have become more than just strangers on the internet to me. They are my friends :)
The coolest thing is that 3 of us all lost babies within a month of each other---and all had our next babies within a month of each other! They all just turned one :) They had SO much fun playing together.
Here are Avery and Nora, Bree's daughter (Bree from Baby Butterfly Ella)
Nora, Gigi, and Avery. Gigi is Tina's daughter (Living Without Sophia and Ellie)
Gigi, Nora, Avery
At Rachel's BEAUTIFUL backyard (Three Butterflies and a Monkey)
Bree, Nora, Avery, me, Tina, and Gigi
Nora, Avery, and Gigi in the FABULOUS bikinis Tina brought for all the girls :)
Nora and Avery meeting for the first time :)
Avery & me, Rachel and Monkey, and Bree and Nora
