I have come here to blog so many times in the past few weeks. So much goes through my head, and I just dont think I can even articulate it in words.
I am just about 31 weeks into this pregnancy.  This is when I finally relax about about having a micropreemie, and start panicking about kick counts and stillbirth and low fluid, and a million other things I have not experienced but have read about.
Last weekend we painted a room.  We painted it blue.  I have a room in my house with a little girl and one Im now getting ready for a little boy.
I had some friends ask me about a shower and I heard myself saying yes.  I almost couldnt believe it.
I just want to believe. I want to wash the little blue clothes and put the choo choo trains on the wall.  I want to stock up on diapers and starting making plans.
This is all old news to you.  I warned you that I dont have much to say.  I feel so guilty because Im supposed to enjoy pregnancy, just be happy, dont take it for granted.  But, the truth is, I hate it.  I hate being pregnant.  It scares the crap out of me, I cant focus at work I am not a great mom to Avery I think my grief for the twins gets a little worse.  I have the stupid gestational diabetes again and it stresses me to the max.  I really, honestly feel like time is standing still.  I keep begging the universe...just help me get Avery a living sibling here and I swear, Ill be done.  I wont push my luck,
I know I should be enjoying my time with just avery ,but frankly, she is 2 and not napping and I have a very stressful class and I am just cranky.  I hate myself for that.  Ugh.
I shouldnt even publish this, but I know some of you are wondering and checking in .im fine, good really, but too full of complaints for my own good.  I know I am lucky, I know I have it good.  I am ready to have this litle boy safely here.
Hope you are all well!

The "Perfect Family", Viability (I hate that word), and Tube-y Thoughts

A few weeks ago, we found out this baby is a boy.

I had a feeling that it was, but not a very strong one, and mostly just a "I'm scared" feeling that it would be.  I'm not scared of having a boy, but I was scared of this feeling.  This feeling that now, I have a girl and a boy.

The perfect family.

Right?

I remember when we found out the twins were a boy and a girl.  I was over the MOON.  One of each!  What could be better???  A girl for me and a boy for the hubby.  Pink, fluffy dresses and choochoo trains. 

I don't talk too much about being pregnant.  I think I might announce it on face.book soon, only because I have relatives that I would like to know and it's the easiest way.  But, up until now, I haven't really said anything . Whenever I do, it's the first thing out of their mouth.

"A girl and a boy!  Now you have the perfect family.  One of each."

I want to scream.  Don't they understand (of course they don't; if they did, they wouldn't say it) that I will never have the perfect family?  I will have half of my family here, and half of my family in Heaven.  I will have one girl and (hopefully) one boy, but the other two I'll never get to know.  It's not perfect.

But, it's mine.  My family.  And I'm proud of it!  Just sometimes it's hard to feel.

On Monday I will be 24 weeks.  This week has been awful, filled with an enormous amount of anxiety and lots of nightmares.  Last night, actually, I had to wake my husband up to turn on the light to make sure there wasn't a snake hanging on the curtain rod.  I really, really believed it was there.  I was up the rest of the night.  Ugh.

It's not like I'm naive enough to think that once I get past 24 weeks everything will be ok, it's just the first of many milestones I need to get through.  We started school a few weeks ago.  I have a very nice class, but they are extremely needy and I'm coming home every day stressed and exhausted.  I keep feeling like I'm doing too much and I get home and am almost scared to move.  I'm SO thankful I have an understanding, kind, worried husband.  He won't let me lift anything, use cleaning products, change diapers (since A likes to kick while being changed and finds it hilarious), etc.  It helps my anxiety more than anything.

I had an appointment this week and asked my doctor about when I would have to decide about a tubal ligation.  I'm not decided yet, but, I think I'm on my way.  I know I wanted to have more than 2 kids, I know I'm still young, I know all these things.  However, pregnancy and ALL it entails-it consumes me.  It's never ending.  PCOS, when is my period, am I ovulating? Could I be pregnant? fertility doctors, checking for bleeding, peeing on a stick, checking for bleeding, ptsd, being afraid to roll over, to sneeze for fear my water will break, not being able to lift my daughter....it all is so much.  I wish it were easy, I wish I were "good" at pregnancy, but I'm not.  And I am FOREVER and forever so unbelievably grateful that I got the chance to be pregnant, bring home a healthy daughter, and now hopefully a healthy son.  I think I want to move on to the next chapter of my life, end my reproductive years and focus on being a mom.

Of course, I'll wait to make a decision until I'm at a gestation where prematurity isn't an issue.  I don't know that if this baby died, I'd want to have any more anyway, but I don't think I'd get a tubal all the same.  I remember my desperation to be pregnant again when I lost the twins.

Anyway, a lot on my mind lately.  I'm just working, being a mom, and trying so hard to make this a peaceful, healthy pregnancy.  I'm so thankful for your prayers, well wishes, and comments.

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The second time around

People keep asking me if this time is "easier."

I am, honestly, feeling hurt lately.  Alone.  I'm pretty sure that the general thoughts out there are:  1.  Nothing bad will happen, it didn't with Avery, right?  2.  You should just be thankful you can get pregnant, and did it on your own.  3.  Avery's pregnancy was normal, you didn't have any complications, what are you worried about?

I'll tell you what.  I still HAVE TWO DEAD BABIES.

Am I grateful?  Oh, man, they have no idea.  Some days I still cannot believe it.  I still can't believe that I have been so lucky, so blessed.  It's not that I "deserve" it, I just got lucky.  And I think about it and thank God every.single.day.

BUT...

I still have ptsd.  I still have nightmares.

I still am afraid every.single.night. to roll over for fear of hearing that POP of my water breaking.  I still am afraid that there will be no heartbeat. That there will be a cord accident.  That one of the million things that I didn't know about before but do now, will happen.

I'm not being treated as high-risk this time. No peri, no extra appointments, no extra ultrasounds.  It's hard.  Really, really hard.  I haven't had an appt in 5 weeks.  The anxiety is all consuming.  Overwhelming.

When I was pregnant with Avery, people were right there with me.  Encouraging, listening.  Now, it just seems like they think I should just shut up, move on and get over it because, after all, it won't happen again.

But, the thing is, of course it MIGHT.  And, beyond that, I still am scared.  I still have fear.  I still don't know what will happen.  I still don't know it will be alright.  And I still need help.  I need an ear, a hand to hold.  I still need a friend to come over and sit with me.  I still need to not be in bed at exactly 9:40, the time my water broke.  I need so much, and I feel like people don't think I do.  I feel isolated.

This is hard, yo.

Double Strollers

So, I had my first major meltdown.  Ugly crying, snot all over my shirt, can't breath, sob fest.  Hubby left to go somewhere, and Avery was napping, and I opened up my computer, and I....well.  I started reading baby.center.com.  Seriously.  And then I started wondering if I would want a side by side stroller or a tandem. And I started reading the reviews.
And I FREAKED. 
I was so mad at myself.  I can't let myself do this.  I can't let myself plan. And DAMMIT, I should have HAD A DOUBLE STROLLER BEFORE.  All the reviews ask if you want it for twins or for an older sibling/infant.  It made me feel so horrible.
This time, hubs is feeling so optimistic.  It's adorable, and I love him for it, and I'm so glad, but the other day he asked if he coudl start working on "the room".  I am only 15 weeks.  There is an eternity left in this pregnancy.  I said as nicely as I could that I wasn't ready.  He pressed a little and I yelled at him (ugh).
What I want, what I think I deserve, is to ride this wave of happiness.  To dream, and look up strollers on the internet, and pick out a room theme, and...

But, I stop because it hurts.  Because having two kids is spectacular, but I should have two 3 year olds.  And it breaks my heart.  And I've packed up a nursery, which wasn't all that fun.

There's not a good balance for me, even second time around.  I'm trying!

A Fluke

I haven't told too many people about this pregnancy.  I guess it's because I still hate reactions.  I will never be able to just squeal and scream and jump and say "OMG I"M PREGGERS!"  I wish it were different.  I wish I felt like I could celebrate.

Please understand that I am over the moon happy and so, so grateful.  If I'm not careful, my brain starts going to double strollers and new baby clothes and a big girl bed for Avery so new baby can have the crib.  But we are SO far away from that, friends.  So far.

And so far, everyone I've told is just so....optimistic.  And certain.  And I need that.  However, I am so scared.  So, so scared.

And for all of us, it's the word "fluke" that gets us.  My friends are just thinking now that what happened with the twins was a "fluke".  It won't happen again.  I mean, I carried Avery to her due date.  A full 40 weeks.  No trips to L & D.  No cervical shortening.  No infections.  No water breaking, ever, in fact.  (and I was so thankful for that-ptsd with water breaking has really got me).   I did have gestational diabetes, which I was half expecting with pcos and it was borderline and completely diet controlled.

But....what if....what if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?

Seriously.  What if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?

That's what I'm fixating on right now.  I can't seem to shake it.  I also keep feeling terrified that I'm going to have a missed miscarriage.  I didn't even really know that coudl happen and now that I do, I'm so scared it will happen to me.  It's enough to check for blood every single time I wipe, but to know that I could be miscarrying without even knowing it, I can't handle that.

The thoughts come back so quickly.  The fear floods back in.  I just don't think it gets much easier.  Thankfully, I do have a daughter to keep my busy.  I think that's a big difference. 

I am trying to stay optimistic.  I'm so grateful.  Trying to be positive.  Taking deep breaths.  I can do this.  I can do this.

Time

I remember the first time I found a blog.  After I lost the twins I would lie in bed, doing a google search.  I'd try, "I lost my baby."  Then I'd try "My twins died."  I'd basically try all the different variations.
I also remember the first time I got a comment.  I wish I could remember who it was, but I was, maybe oddly, so excited.  I'd use this blog to pour out my soul and then I would read each comment over and over.  I'd leave them in my email so I could re-read them when I got really sad.

It's become a different place for me.  I don't really know what to do or say anymore.  I continue to read the blogs, but I don't have...or I don't make the time to comment as much.  I want to, I just...I don't know.  I don't know what it is.  I know I don't have as many readers, and I know I still talk to a lot of y'all on face.book. 

I'm pregnant again.  I'm sorry, I know that sucks to read.  I mean, in general, I am always happy for people, but somehow it still stings when I read it.

I'm one of those urban legend people that I usually get so bitter about.  Husband and I decided to take a break from cycling.  In the month after our last treatment, I lost 15 pounds and then started feeling weird, but wasn't really wanting to take a pregnancy test because I do that to myself ALL the time.  With pcos your cycles are so wacky and your symptoms are just like pregnancy symptoms.

But, one night, I just made myself do it, and there you have it.  I just couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't really understand.  It's not something I can do on my own, but...somehow, I did.

I'm 13 weeks now, due January 7th.  I've seen the heartbeat twice, but not since about 9 weeks, so anything could've happened since then, and I worry a lot. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel shitty because I need this blog again, but I know I've lost a lot of you. And I feel bad coming in and out, not posting for a while and then saying, Oh, surprise!  I'm pregnant and now that I'm all crazy again, I need to write! (and, girls, I AM crazy.  holy guacamole)

But, I'm going to write for myself, I've decided.  And if it is annoying that I come back for this, I understand.  And I will try to comment, but I can't let myself feel guilty if I can't.

Three

This month my sweet babies spent their third birthday in Heaven.  It's so hard for me to understand; I can't quite grasp it, still, after all this time.

It was worse this year.  It was better this year.  It was the same as always.

The same people forgot.  I swore I wouldn't remind people and then I weakened and did it because I couldn't bear if they all forgot.

I allowed my emotions to derail me, momentarily.  I cried at work.

My husband sent me three deep red roses.  One for each year. 

I miss you so much, Aiden.  I miss you so much, Sophie.  It's so hard to be without you.