Double Strollers

So, I had my first major meltdown.  Ugly crying, snot all over my shirt, can't breath, sob fest.  Hubby left to go somewhere, and Avery was napping, and I opened up my computer, and I....well.  I started reading baby.center.com.  Seriously.  And then I started wondering if I would want a side by side stroller or a tandem. And I started reading the reviews.
And I FREAKED. 
I was so mad at myself.  I can't let myself do this.  I can't let myself plan. And DAMMIT, I should have HAD A DOUBLE STROLLER BEFORE.  All the reviews ask if you want it for twins or for an older sibling/infant.  It made me feel so horrible.
This time, hubs is feeling so optimistic.  It's adorable, and I love him for it, and I'm so glad, but the other day he asked if he coudl start working on "the room".  I am only 15 weeks.  There is an eternity left in this pregnancy.  I said as nicely as I could that I wasn't ready.  He pressed a little and I yelled at him (ugh).
What I want, what I think I deserve, is to ride this wave of happiness.  To dream, and look up strollers on the internet, and pick out a room theme, and...

But, I stop because it hurts.  Because having two kids is spectacular, but I should have two 3 year olds.  And it breaks my heart.  And I've packed up a nursery, which wasn't all that fun.

There's not a good balance for me, even second time around.  I'm trying!

A Fluke

I haven't told too many people about this pregnancy.  I guess it's because I still hate reactions.  I will never be able to just squeal and scream and jump and say "OMG I"M PREGGERS!"  I wish it were different.  I wish I felt like I could celebrate.

Please understand that I am over the moon happy and so, so grateful.  If I'm not careful, my brain starts going to double strollers and new baby clothes and a big girl bed for Avery so new baby can have the crib.  But we are SO far away from that, friends.  So far.

And so far, everyone I've told is just so....optimistic.  And certain.  And I need that.  However, I am so scared.  So, so scared.

And for all of us, it's the word "fluke" that gets us.  My friends are just thinking now that what happened with the twins was a "fluke".  It won't happen again.  I mean, I carried Avery to her due date.  A full 40 weeks.  No trips to L & D.  No cervical shortening.  No infections.  No water breaking, ever, in fact.  (and I was so thankful for that-ptsd with water breaking has really got me).   I did have gestational diabetes, which I was half expecting with pcos and it was borderline and completely diet controlled.

But....what if....what if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?

Seriously.  What if Avery's pregnancy was the fluke?

That's what I'm fixating on right now.  I can't seem to shake it.  I also keep feeling terrified that I'm going to have a missed miscarriage.  I didn't even really know that coudl happen and now that I do, I'm so scared it will happen to me.  It's enough to check for blood every single time I wipe, but to know that I could be miscarrying without even knowing it, I can't handle that.

The thoughts come back so quickly.  The fear floods back in.  I just don't think it gets much easier.  Thankfully, I do have a daughter to keep my busy.  I think that's a big difference. 

I am trying to stay optimistic.  I'm so grateful.  Trying to be positive.  Taking deep breaths.  I can do this.  I can do this.

Time

I remember the first time I found a blog.  After I lost the twins I would lie in bed, doing a google search.  I'd try, "I lost my baby."  Then I'd try "My twins died."  I'd basically try all the different variations.
I also remember the first time I got a comment.  I wish I could remember who it was, but I was, maybe oddly, so excited.  I'd use this blog to pour out my soul and then I would read each comment over and over.  I'd leave them in my email so I could re-read them when I got really sad.

It's become a different place for me.  I don't really know what to do or say anymore.  I continue to read the blogs, but I don't have...or I don't make the time to comment as much.  I want to, I just...I don't know.  I don't know what it is.  I know I don't have as many readers, and I know I still talk to a lot of y'all on face.book. 

I'm pregnant again.  I'm sorry, I know that sucks to read.  I mean, in general, I am always happy for people, but somehow it still stings when I read it.

I'm one of those urban legend people that I usually get so bitter about.  Husband and I decided to take a break from cycling.  In the month after our last treatment, I lost 15 pounds and then started feeling weird, but wasn't really wanting to take a pregnancy test because I do that to myself ALL the time.  With pcos your cycles are so wacky and your symptoms are just like pregnancy symptoms.

But, one night, I just made myself do it, and there you have it.  I just couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't really understand.  It's not something I can do on my own, but...somehow, I did.

I'm 13 weeks now, due January 7th.  I've seen the heartbeat twice, but not since about 9 weeks, so anything could've happened since then, and I worry a lot. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel shitty because I need this blog again, but I know I've lost a lot of you. And I feel bad coming in and out, not posting for a while and then saying, Oh, surprise!  I'm pregnant and now that I'm all crazy again, I need to write! (and, girls, I AM crazy.  holy guacamole)

But, I'm going to write for myself, I've decided.  And if it is annoying that I come back for this, I understand.  And I will try to comment, but I can't let myself feel guilty if I can't.