Birthday Weekend

Well, another birthday has come and gone.  This one was sort of bittersweet.  I had a really good day---but hanging over our heads is that horrible "this is not what you should be doing."  I should be huge, with swollen ankles, not sleeping at night and having cravings.  I should be spending nights in the nursery listening to soft music and reading to those babies in my belly-instead of selling off the beautiful furniture for someone else's baby to enjoy.

28.  I guess that's a pretty good age--but I am pretty sure I feel a lot older than that.  I feel such a big separation from some of my friends-I find myself gravitating towards the friends that are older than me, more mature, with more life experience.  I all of the sudden feel this giant divide between me and some of my friends that are younger than me.  I'm afraid to lose friendships because I'm keeping to myself.  I guess those are the breaks, right?

Grief sucks was my status message this weekend on facebook-that pretty much sums it up.  When we were cleaning out the nursery/baby stuff this weekend, getting ready for potential house showings, Brian started to lose it-and firmly, I ordered him, "Don't."  I half-screamed it.

I re-played that moment in my head over and over again.  How horrible is that?  Brian, my amazing husband.  He has let me cry a million times in the past 7 weeks.  He has smoothed my hair and rubbed my back and dried my tears.  He has held me and rocked me and reassured me and protected me.  In all this this, he has only had a few of these moments-and I DARE take that away from him?  I felt so horrible, so guilty.  Who am I to rob him of his grief?  I'm afraid now that he'll try even harder to hold it in.  All that was going through my head was, "If he cries, I will break down, and we will never get through this.  I just have to get through this."

Notice, all the I's and Me's in that sentence.  How selfish!  I am so selfish.

I think is probably too personal for a blog on the internets, but I'm in need of that babylost mama community reassurance on this one.  We had sex for the first time since the babies died this weekend.  I really wanted to-I was afraid, mostly that it would hurt, but it really didn't.  It felt nice, comforting...but so, so wrong.  I had to hide in the bathroom after so I could sob.  Gut wrenching sobs.  I couldn't fool DH about this-he was on to me.  But really-when the one thing you want in this world-a want that is SO deep, so real, so raw and comes along with so much pain-is a baby-it feels so completely wrong to strap on a stupid condom.  It felt horrible.  It re-broke my heart all over again, I swear.  For a year and a half, we had TTC sex.  In a certain position, at certain times, you all know the drill=lots of you WAY more than me-and so to do it just to do it-when it should feel so good-it just killed me.  I so hope that I am not alone in this one.  Again, super personal, so feel free to ignore and not comment!!!  :)  On a lighter note,

we put an offer in the house on Friday.  We don't expect them to accept this one-but we're hoping they'll at least counter with something we can afford.  The realtor came today to take pictures of our house-which is seriously, utterly, sparkly clean.  I dare anyone to take a look in a drawer, in a closet, under a bed even!!!  We took an entire van load to the goodwill, and threw away probably 6 full bags of junk.  And we didn't even go through our clothes, or the storage area in the basement, although, it's pretty much consolidated.

Now we wait!  The house gets listed tomorrow, we're having an open house on Sunday, and tomorrow is the deadline for the sellers to get back to us on our offer.  Wish us luck!

Cleansing

Tonight we contacted the people from Craigslist that want to buy the baby furniture.  Hopefully, it will all be out of here by Saturday.  Then we can box up all the pregnancy/baby stuff, and it'll be done.  If only it were that easy...right?  I wish by being done with the pregnancy the pain would be done, but in actuality it seems to heighten.  Tonight I had a break down like I haven't had in weeks.  I can't handle to be around negativity, and I was, and it eats away at me and makes me feel like I'm stuck in a tiny, tiny room and just want to scream.  I feel so bitter and that hurts me-that's not who I am-or at least who I was.  My father-in-law passed away in November and my mother-in-law isn't handling it well.  Who can blame her, right?  Losing your husband would suck so bad.  But it's not just that...it's that there is something wrong with everything.  The grass is too green or not green enough.  Everyone is out to get you.  It makes me a CRAZY woman.  Honestly.  When there is something wrong, my response is, well, how can we fix it?  If you haven't tried to fix it, then STOP COMPLAINING about it!!!!!!!  Ugh.  If it's something you can't fix, then try to make peace with it.  I know that there is nothing I can do to "fix" what's wrong with me right now, and grief sucks, but it's all the other things that I can't handle.  

I played a little game today-I tried to think of ANY friend of mine that didn't have something painful going on in their life-and there were literally only like 2.  I just wish I knew why-----and trust me, I know that will never be answered.  There's no reason why this happened to me.  But it bothers me.  I want to learn and grow from it.  Perhaps someday I can think of the babies and smile instead of turn into a blubbering mess.  

Anyway, we went to look at the house tonight.  It is absolutely perfect, except for the yard.  Itis funny shaped, as in it's kind of got a hill and water seems to pool in it?  But the rest of it...the rest of it is so amazing and I would be so excited if we got it!  We are going to to put an offer in and put ours on the market, and wait and hopefully something will happen.  We know that they have already made an offer on another house, so we just need to sell ours and I just wish that was so easy!

Tonight I feel so down.  I feel like June will be a hard month for me-only because what would have/could have been.  I looked forward to June as the month I would be SO huge and having cankles and knowing the babies would be almost here.  I'd be nesting and making sure the nursery was perfect.  Instead, the baby furniture is on craigslist, and people are responding to the ad not with offers to purchase it, but wishing me well and sending their condolences and a lady even wrote me a poem.  I tell you, if prayers could take all this pain away...

So, here's to hoping that our house sells!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And that I can somehow make peace with getting rid of the furniture...

The week-end

I  guess I can just keep reminding myself that our life is never boring, right?

So this weekend we just tried to stay busy.  It's weird, but memorial day is just one of those days-it reminds me so much of my father-in-law, and I just can't help but thinking as it comes closer and closer to summer that this was supposed to be the summer that our whole lives changed.  When we had our two precious little babies with us.

Instead, I spent the weekend putting the baby furniture on Craigslist and hoping someone will buy it so we can get it out of the house without me giving it away, since it is absolutely brand new and we'll have lost about a thousand bucks on it.

Then yesterday, we had such a weird, amusing experience.  My mom has a trailer for the weekends/summers in a small town near here-and listen, I grew up in a small town, but this is a SMALL town.  This is awful, but Brian and I always joke that when we cross the county line, our IQ goes down and teenagers are suddenly pregnant (not so funny anymore).   One of our favorite things to do in this town is called, appropriately, the "corn and tater" fest.  Notice the use of the word "tater."  I should scan it in to give you the full effect some time, but you can purchase a polaroid picture in front of a giant fake ear of corn and baked potato.  It's awesome.  They also have the ever famous "chicken drop game."  Yep, it's just what you think it is.  There's a round wooden thing sectioned off and each section has a number.  You buy a chance and a number, then they plop the clucking chicken right now and wait 'til WHAT the chicken takes a little dump.  Your number wins, and you win the pot.  

Well, anyway, we got a little taste of small town again, this time with someone called a "meat raffle."

Huh.

Yes, I know.

A what?

A meat raffle.

*middle of nowhere smoky bar

*lots and lots of really drunk people

*raffle tickets

*random slabs of meat

*an entire sunday afternoon

I'll let you picture the rest, I'm not sure my description will do it justice.  Today we tried to re-stain the deck, only we couldn't get the old stain off, which is a huge problem and made us cranky.  So instead, we went for a drive to show Brian's mom the house we want to buy, and Louis dropped a toy into the stow-and-go part of the van, therefore ripping a toenail off, and decided to gush blood all over the place-including me.

So we called the bet, who called back and I'm sure he had had plenty to drink and was clearly at a party, and he said to put his paw in flour (?) and wrap it up with a sock and some masking tape.

A photo for your enjoyment.

Promenade

Remember how in gym class we had to learn how to square dance?  Well, I did anyway.  And the dance partner I always had had wet sleeves, which totally perplexed me all the time, as well as grossing me out.  I'm pretty sure that he sucked on them.

Anyway, promenade left! is one of the commands, but in french "faire une promenade" is a really fun way to say talk a stroll :)  I love saying it, and I love going for walks.  In our county we have these walking/running/biking paths that were made where the old railroad tracks used to be.  My favorite one starts just down the road from us where there is a giant statue of a sunfish (random?) and you have to go down all these steps to get to it.  Once you're down there, the path follows along the Mississippi.  You can see the sunset over the amazing river, as well as boaters and fisherman.  It is SO amazingly peaceful.  Brian and I go with Louis and we walk as long as the puppy can hold up, just talking.  It's a great time to talk without distraction.  No internet, no phone, etc.  It's hard to be angry there.  Just a good time to reflect.

It's looking like we are going to put our house up for sale---we just have one more step in the meantime.  On Tuesday we are going with our realtor to take a walk through the house we want and try to find some things that we don't like about it!  Then if we still think we want it, we'll have our realtor make an offer contingent that our house sells, and we'll put ours on the market.  I'm feeling hopeful, but as I've really learned in life the past year, it really doesn' t pay to get your hopes up.  That said, I refuse to turn into a pessimist.  I just think you can be hopeful, and just learn to cope with disappointment.  

I also decided to put the cribs and changing table on craigslist.  This was really hard for me.  Since the babies died I really thought we'd just keep it-in my mind, we will be having other kids, and so it will come in use.  But recently, I've been struggling with this.   I know that everyone does what they choose-when my mom's baby was born still, her moms went home before she got there and they cleaned everything out like it had never been there.  I would have been horrified by this, I think.  I've gone in there a few times lately just to sit and have a good cry when I needed to get the hurt out.  But now, I realize that I want a new start.  Not to forget the babies-trust me, I never will-and I am not worried about that.  But for the next baby, I want to pick out new things for them.  I love this furniture, it's beautiful and it's just what I wanted.  But it's what I wanted for our twins and I want something new just for the next baby.  Chances are it will be a singleton, anyway, and so it has been bugging me to think of selling just one of the cribs and it makes me crumble to think of taking it apart.  I know a lot of people that have kept their stuff just like it is, some store it, some get rid of it, but you just have to do what makes you feel right.  I keep changing my mind, but so far I'm at peace with it.  We'll lose money, but another thing we've learned, really quick, is that just doesn't matter anymore.  Not that we're being reckless, but really.

At graduation today, there was a slideshow of every student-it showed their baby picture and then their senior picture.  Brian had a really hard time with this, which instantly broke my heart.  I hate seeing him hurt, although I'm outwardly in pain a ton more than he, so I'm sure he feels this way a lot more often. But when we found out about the twins-I'll never forget it-he instantly was thinking about way in the future-like class rings and letter jackets and graduations.  It is horrifyingly painful to think that our sweet babies will never get to graduate.  Mostly, though, it's just another reminder of the future that we no longer have.

Overall, the days are getting easier around here (as in, still excrutiatingly sucky, but a little bit easier to make it through the day).  We are trying to stay focused on the future, make informed decisions, and overall just cling to each other.  The weekends are so much easier for me because I have Brian with me all the time.  Today I also got out on my own with one of my best friends, and it was so good for me.  It just makes me feel normal, ya know?  

In other news, I got my period today.  I have to say that I'm shocked.  I've always only ever gotten a period every 3 months or so, so I really wasn't counting on getting mine so soon postpartum.  Unfortunately, this makes my head start spinning about the prospects that maybe I'll randomly be fertile since I got pregnant.  I know it could happen, but really-I'm not the luckiest person.  At any rate, I'll be keeping track of it, and I officially am not going back on birth control.  I feel much better not and after talking to the ladies on my PROM listserve, and some other blogging ladies, I feel like I'm making the right decision.  Guess we'll see what happens!

Decisions, Decisions

So, I have decided that I am not going to go back on birth control.  Because, seriously, when all you want is a baby, isn't that a little counterproductive?  I mean, I realize that we will have to use some kind of birth control until we've made it past the 6 month mark that the doctor gave us.

Then I did a little research on PCOS, which I supposedly have, and realized that they strongly urge you in most cases to not use hormonal birth control.  Ugh.

This got me thinking about the fact that I'm not even really all that sure that I have PCOS.  I mean, clearly there are some issues because we tried for a year and a half and all that time I maybe had 4 or 5 periods?  I've had issues with that every since I was a kid.  So yes, there are issues.  But the only "fertility" work I've had done were-the provera challenge where they give you progesterone for 10 days and if your period comes, at least things are sort of connected.  That worked.  I had an appt with a lady in the "women's health center" where after 5 minutes she told me I had PCOS, prescribed me with clomid.

I took one round at the lowest dosage, and hello, twins!

Then I had the premature rupture, due to ambiguous infection, or maybe the infection came after, and since I had the mysterious passing of the mucous plug the week before, maybe my cervix was opening but can it shut again?  SO CONFUSING.

So, what I think I'm saying is I'd like more tests or something.  I don't know.  I'm afraid to take clomid again.  I'm afraid to be pregnant with twins again.  Hell, I'm afraid to be pregnant again. Buy my, oh my, do I want to be!

I was SO SO SO SO proud of myself today.  We are thinking of selling the house and I was so worried about the nursery-it's just like it was the day the babies died-so while it's not totally decked out, there are indeed two cribs and two gliders and a changing table and it's all painted nice and pretty.  Anyway, the realtor came to do a market value and when he opened the door, he looked at me, and said "Are you just planning to have kids?" (which made me think, well, hell, at least I don't look so fat that people think I'm still really pregnant) and I said, with no tears, "We were 6 months pregnant and I went into premature labor and the babies didn't make it."  He said, "I'm sorry." and we moved on.  I have a feeling I might break down about it later, but for now, I'm proud of myself.

So, tonight we must decide if we want to put the house up for sale, and if we do should we maybe not go to France after all, and how we should move forward with this fertility stuff.  I mean, can you just like, call up the fertility department?  Do you need a referral?  So confusing.

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So, after my dr appt yesterday, I was put back on birth control to try to get my cycles going again.  I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, which means a lot of things, but the main impact it has for me is that I don't seem to ovulate on my own, at least regularly.  Sometimes, though, getting pregnant and staying pregnant can change some of the symptoms.  So, I'm trying to figure out if perhaps anything has changed, so I bought some ovulation predictor tests, just to get my bearings.  That way when we do decide to try to conceive again, I will have an idea of what's going on. 

Anyway, today I was at Walmart buying these OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) and the girl at the checkout line scans it and says, "Whoa, these are expensive."  I tensed up, thinking-um, ok, you're not supposed to really comment on my purchases.  Then, she went ahead and did it.  The question that was asked to me, point blank, that I really thought I wouldn't have to answer for a while.

"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any other kids?"

Somehow I smiled politely and said, "No, I don't."

I paid, walked to my van, and subsequently had a complete break down in my van in the parking lot. It's really hard to describe the feelings that this question brings about.  I mean, it is a lie to say that I don't have kids-but my kids are not living-and so it seems to me a lot easier to just say "none" unless I want to tell the whole story to the clerk at the walmart.  Not worth it.  

I guess I just wasn't ready for this.  I guess it's good to get all these firsts over with.  I guess it just makes me realize that this is something that is going to be a silent sadness-one that is going to go unspoken. One that I will deal with each day, silently, and keep moving on.  

In other news, I got a referral for a therapist yesterday.  I guess to me this is not such a big deal-I've always kind of thought about going for the issues I have/had with my father, anyway.  I'd imagine it'll be a good thing all around if I can find someone I trust.

And in other, other news we are going to the bank tonight to see if we can afford the new house that we found that we both instantly fell in love with and really, really, really want.  I don't know if it's going to work out.  We'd also, well, have to sell our house, which would mean everything would have to work out just so.  I have a friend who just sold her house in 8 days, so maybe??  I suppose in everything in life, except for having my babies die, I would typically just say, if it's meant to be, it will be.

Humph.

Well, I'm off to the bank to see if we are rich enough!  :)

The Future

So, I had my postpartum doctor appointment today.  I was ok arriving at the clinic, I was ok in the waiting room, I was ok getting weighed and all that, and then I got into "the room."  This would be the room I was in for every single check-up for the babies.  Where I first heard their heartbeats.  Where my doctor said, "You are making an excellent home for these babies-what lucky ones they are" and I smiled so big and played it over and over in my head the whole night.

I sat down in this room, and the nurse, the lovely nurse asked, "Are you in any pain?" and I just looked at her and burst into tears.  Which in turn made her burst into tears.  

So then the doc came in, and while I know she does care about me, I could tell she was asking some questions just to make sure I'm not ok, and not falling into some deep, dark depression.  After we had a good conversation, she looked me in the eye and asked, "What does the future hold for you and Brian?"

What a question.

Of course, I've thought about the future.  If you define future as tomorrow, or this weekend, or just maybe the end of the month .  But the future-future?  That pretty much went out the window with the death of these babies. I mean, not literally.  We, I'm sure, have a wonderful future.  We will have babies some day, a great family, we will get to be mommy and daddy to someone besides our spunky puppy dog.  But trying to think of that now is hard.  I mean, seriously hard.  

I thought about it for a moment.  The bitter, sarcastic side of me (yes, that side of me is still there!) wanted to say, "Well, I know what's not in it-my babies" but my doctor didn't deserve that.  I mumbled and stumbled and answered something about how we will have a family and grow our marriage stronger.

But really, has someone every looked you in the eye and asked you point.blank.  What does the future hold?

Food for thought, I guess.