Shutterfly

Y'all, I'm going crazy using Shutterfly. I like to do my holiday shopping early, and I always get stuck on my grandpa and my husband's grandma. They really don't want anything....and I struggle to get ideas from them...and I remembered: Shutterly! I've been cranking out the calendars, mugs, giant pictures of Avery like you can't believe.
The other day I told the hubs I should really figure out what will be on our holiday cards and get them ordered. Then, I remembered the blog promotion they did last year and searched to see if I could find it, and I did!

You all should use Shutterfly this year. It's inexpensive, fast, and it makes GREAT gifts. It's so easy, and I love how they deliver right to your house instead of visiting the store with the nasty germ covered photo machines and having to go out in the cold, snowy weather to pick them up!

The other reason I love them is because they just have more choices. My sister married into a family that is Jewish, so I like to send cards with "Happy Holidays" or ones that even say Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kwanzaa, etc. So I get more options with shutterfly as well.

Here are some links for you to check out:

Shutterfly http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards

· Christmas cards http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards

· greeting cards http://www.shutterfly.com/greetings

· invitations to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/invitations

· photo mugs http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs

· photo cards http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery

As soon as I get our holiday cards done, I'll post back so you can see a picture of it. Last year I did a top ten list of what we did that year and it was an AMAZING way for me to mention Aiden and Sophie without feeling like I'd be judged.

Share yours with me, too! And check out the blog promotion! It's rad.

2.5

Today, Aiden and Sophie would be 2.5 years old.

I think I can't breathe.

At my elementary school, there is a set of twins. They have severe disabilities. One has a walker and the other is in a wheelchair. They are both non-verbal. I used to wonder how that happened. Now I wonder...what if? What if they were here? What if they had made it?

The wondering makes my head hurt so bad that I want to crawl in a hole. Baby announcements lately are getting to me. I'm back in a bad place. Jealousy, Bitterness. I have Avery and I am SO blessed and so lucky.

But I miss them.

It's not fair.

Checking In

I have to say that it feels awfully good to have people check in on me (Thanks, Stacey!!) but I feel bad that I slack off and make people HAVE to check in on me.
I am having a writing block. I've had a really rough time lately, but it just seems so....redundant. So already talked about. :(
I'm still reading, whenever I have a spare second I try-but I just haven't been able to feel out what I want to say.
Thank you all for everything :)

Normal

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. I think that's the longest I've ever gone. It's not for lack of want or need, I just have had one of those-can't read, can't write, I'm frozen, kind of months.
I'm starting a new job here in about a week-still teaching, but elementary school, which is SO different from a middle school specialty class. It has opened up some wounds for me, unfortunately.
I guess, to start with is the fact that I am working with a whole new building. A whole new group of people to get to know.
I have realized in the last few weeks that I really like to protect myself. I shy very much away from situations in which there are people who I don't know-people who don't know my story. I tense up when I am with strangers, even if it's in the grocery store.
Being in a new place, with all new people has brought out some of my worst fears. I find myself much more emotional than normal. I don't seem to be very confident.
This lack of confidence is spreading into everywhere (along with fatigue and a LOT of work due to new job). It's really hard to be a baby loss mom and express the difficulties of parenting (I'm not saying that so you feel bad for me-it's so that you know I'm sensitive to you all out there who may not yet or may not ever be blessed with a living child). Mainly because I know that I should just be happy to have Avery here. I know that I should just suck it up and keep going, which most of the time I do. But it's been so hard to be a full-time worker plus mom plus wife plus start a new job plus have Avery randomly start biting and hitting me and keep it together. (please know that I do still know how very, very lucky I am to HAVE a job and a husband and a living on earth daugther).
I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm bickering with my husband. I'm unhealthy. I'm tired. I'm not into playing with Avery like I should be. I may have made a giant mistake with this job change. I'm forgetting dates with my friends and birthdays.
My pcos is very out of control lately. I haven't had a period since March and the hormones are making me break out, I'm oily from head to toe, I'm cranky and tired, I'm bloating and gaining weight even though sometimes I'm hardly eating. I can't get a doctor appt until November. I'm worried about my thyroid for different reasons.
All in all, I don't have it together right now.
And today, I met with the other two teachers on my team. One is a twin, and I swear to you (even though one of them for sure knows my story) I sat there for 10 minutes while they talked about twins and all things about them. How fun it would be to have them, how fun it is to be one, how their grandma/boyfriend/cousin/uncle is a twin, how hard it would be at bedtime, ETC ETC ETC until I wanted to RUN RUN away.
I left there thinking that I will NEVER by normal. I will never hear the word "twin" without wanting mine back. I will never be able to idly chat about twins without screaming on the inside "MINE SHOULD BE HERE".
I may never be able to talk about pregnancy without that little voice in my head going off, "Well, if it gets here alive. If you're a lucky one." "Are you sure you should buy a crib when you're only 5 weeks pregnant?"

I've got to get it together. Put one foot in front of the other. I need a plan.

Friendship

I remember coming home from the hospital after having Sophie and Aiden. It's all such a blur, but I was in the most amount of pain that I have ever felt. I could barely function. I spent my days and my nights screaming, yelling, crying, weeping, begging.
And reaching out. Scrambling to find help.
I reached for my computer. When Brian went back to work, I laid in bed, searching. I would google "I lost my babies." "What to do when your baby dies." "I lost my twins."
Infant mortality, pprom, prematurity, grief, losing a baby, losing twins....
The list goes on and on.
Some of the things I found made me angry. At one point, I remember finding a site with dead baby jokes.
But then, I found a blog. I started reading, and never stopped. The internet became my home, my support system. It became a safe place I could go to tell my feelings to others who understood, who didn't judge, who knew I was ok, but was in the deepest, darkest place possible.
I can honestly say that I don't know what would have happened had I not found my little internet community. Had I not made connections with people from all around the world who shared my hurt, and also shared my hope.
I was so lucky to be able to take a trip recently and meet in person some of the beautiful, beautiful women I have shared this journey with.
Brian had a conference for work across the country, and one of my very best blog friends is from there, but it's a huge state-so I just asked her if she lived close to where we'd be. Long story shot, a freeway closing turned a "maybe lunch" into 3 full days of Avery and I staying at her (gorgeous) house! THEN, another gorgeous friend drove hours to visit us and the next day we went just a short way to see one more friend who is on bedrest now with her pregnancy.
It was so healing for me, so easy, so fun, to be around these women. They have become more than just strangers on the internet to me. They are my friends :)
The coolest thing is that 3 of us all lost babies within a month of each other---and all had our next babies within a month of each other! They all just turned one :) They had SO much fun playing together.

Here are Avery and Nora, Bree's daughter (Bree from Baby Butterfly Ella)
Nora, Gigi, and Avery. Gigi is Tina's daughter (Living Without Sophia and Ellie)
Gigi, Nora, Avery
At Rachel's BEAUTIFUL backyard (Three Butterflies and a Monkey)
Bree, Nora, Avery, me, Tina, and Gigi
Nora, Avery, and Gigi in the FABULOUS bikinis Tina brought for all the girls :)
Nora and Avery meeting for the first time :)
Avery & me, Rachel and Monkey, and Bree and Nora

I won!

I won a giveaway!!!!!!! I feel so lucky. I won a Chase and Emma (hi, Jill!) butterfly with Sophie and Aiden's name on it from Christian's Beach. I'm in love with it!

One year-impossible (rainbow/living child mentioned)

I just can't believe it-but my little baby rainbow Avery will be one this weekend-7.10.10

I realized that I put tons (really, I overshare) of pics of her on face.book but never really any on here.

So, here she is, my one year old little babe: