STRONG and AMAZING

Every once in a while, our Angel Care Monitor will go off in the night. The first time it happened, I couldn't have even been awake while I ran down the hallway to the baby's room to check on her. A lot of times, it'll go off because a will be sleeping on her side, leaning up against the side of the crib and the mattress won't recognize her movements.
So, now it seems like it's not as alarming to me when it goes off. I mean, I still move pretty quickly into her room, but in my brain I say "AH! Don't wake the baby up, dumb alarm." This is most often.
But last night, her alarm went off and I looked at the video monitor, and she was laying right in the middle of the mattress and her eyes were open. Why are her eyes open, I thought?
Oh, because she's dead. She died. I knew she'd die. Tonight, she died. I knew it. I knew I couldn't keep her. Look at her eyes. I was literally paralyzed. My husband got up, while I laid there thinking She died. She died.
Then she sat up and started to cry.
And I hate myself.
I truly do hate the way I think. Why am I expecting her to die? Why? What if I somehow allow something bad to happen because I think it will.
If I'm honest, I still have scary thoughts. Sometimes, I'll still come around a corner at the top of my stairs and envision myself dropping the baby accidentally. Or I'll wobble on the stairs as I'm holding her and am terrified that we'll both tumble down. Those happened much more frequently when she was a tiny baby, but it still happens. I worry she'll bump her head, and die. How will I let her be a kid?
She fell the other day. She's pulling herself up now and she let go with one of her hands and hit her mouth on the corner of her play table. Her lip got puffy and fat and there was a little blood and she actually, sadly, chipped a little bit off her front tooth. It's barely noticeable but of course I know it's there.
Lately I've been spending a lot of time feeling sad. And I've been struggling with little things in life that are bogging me down.
I'm having some dental problems. I have to have my second back molar extracted next week and I'm worried about that. When this tooth started to hurt (its one I had a root canal on ten years ago, so I knew instantly I'd lose it) I broke down crying. I kept telling my husband, "I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm so tired of having to be strong and do it."
I mean, hello? It's a tooth. Most people I think would be annoyed with it. I'm in tears, screaming. I'm just so tired of having to be STRONG about things. I'm so tired of being AMAZING when I'm not. I'm tired of having to avoid situations and things and feeling guilty when I'm sad and feeling guilty when I'm not.
The grief cycle for me is on an upswing-I'm not sure if its the time of year, or what. Could I be depressed? Maybe. I'm still functioning, it's just...hard. Sad.
So freaking sad, this whole thing.

Changes

I don't exactly know how it happened.
I don't exactly know when it happened.
But, you know when something good (or bad) happens, you want to pick up your phone and tell someone right away? Or you want to get online and send an e-mail. Or a text.
Well, slowly...the people that I want to tell right away are not my "normal" friends. They're not the friends that I've had since high school or college, or even the ones I've made at my job here.
It's my friends that I have never even met. It's the friends that e-mail me to check on me. Call me to tell me they're thinking of me.
Some of the people I've met in bloggy land are some of the kindest, most thoughtful people I have ever known. And, I'd go out and say that I don't think it's losing a baby that necessarily made them that way. I mean, I know it humbles you, changes you, changes your perspective on life. But some of the words and support that I have gotten from all of you has changed me.
Then there's the fact that I have so much in common with a lot of you. I mean, Angie, who else can I chat with for hours at a time about early 90s rap music?
And I talk to Jen about reality tv, and Tina about teaching and Courtney about...well, you get the picture. I just genuinely LIKE them as people.
This summer, I am going to meet a bloggy friend in person (Bree from Baby Butterfly Ella-do you know her? She's fabulous). I guess you would consider her my bloggy bestie. :) My husband has a conference for work near where she lives and Avery and I are going to go along for the trip since the hotel is paid for and A flies for free. I'm so excited! Bree and I lost our first children within a month of each other, got pregnant with our rainbows within in a month of each other, and they are just two months apart in age.
So, people lately have asked what I'll do while Brian is at the conference, and so, I started to tell a few people that I was going to meet up with someone. I feel like...I don't know. I feel like I met a boyfriend using match.com and I have to fess up to my family about it! LOL. I don't know why I even worry about it. But the truth is-I feel SUCH a disconnect from my friends here. I still see them, hang out with them. But I don't feel like I can trust them. I don't feel like I can trust them with what I ACTUALLY feel. This grief is so diffrent. The thoughts in my head are so different. It's so amazing to have people that just get it. That I don't have to explain myself, or hold back information. Some of my deepest, darkest things I have been able to say aloud. And instead of judgment, I get a head nodding right along with what I'm saying.
I guess I don't know what the point of this post is, except that today, on Mother's Day in the U.S., I had bunch of people wish me Mother's Day for the first time.
And then I had those that wishing me Happy Mother's Day for the THIRD time. And that means so much to me. And because of that, when something happens to me, I want to pick up the phone and tell the people that are so kind to me. But I feel so sad about the fact that I have ruined the friendships I used to have. I kind of stopped trying a while ago. I'm so much more of a homebody now. And probably that will change-Avery will make friends and join things and we'll be forced out. But for now, she's a great reason to stay home.
This is going round and round and I think you know what I mean, but thank you. Thank you if you've ever commented, thank you for still commenting when I don't have very time to any more :(, thank you for being there for me. For being my friend.
And happy mother's day to all of you-no matter what part of motherhood you find yourself in.

I walk because...

Here was my speech for the ceremony at the March for Babies. Our team raised over $2,000.

Hi, everyone. I’m Christy and I’m walking today with my team. This is our second time walking together and we’re made up of family and friends and coworkers of mine and of my husband Brian. If I’m really honest, I would tell you that I wish I could say that I walk for the March of Dimes for my twins who are here with me today. I wish that I could tell you that my son, Aiden, and mydaughter, Sophie just turned two a few weeks ago. I wish that I would then have them wave their little toddler hands from the crowd so you could see how amazingly beautiful they are-how far they’ve come from the 1 pound 8 ounces and 1 pound 6 ounces they were when they were born at 23 weeks, 3 days gestation. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you that because they aren’t here. But I can I tell you that I’m here because all babies are miracles. Aiden and Sophie were miracles and even though they aren’t here today to show you that-I walk in their memory so that people will know that, and remember. My family and I are here today walking because on a Sunday night, I rolled over in bed and my water broke. For no reason. I’m here today because I did everything right, and it still happened to me. To us.

I’m here because the March of Dimes gave me the biggest gift I could ask for-they helped make it possible for my daughter, Sophie, to wrap her tiny little hand around my finger from her isolette. They made it possible for me to get photos taken, and handprints made. They helped make it possible for them to stay alive-if only for a day-to give them a fighting chance at life. And although they didn’t get their chance, we walk for the March of Dimes so that they get the money they need to continue their research so that someone else’s twins DO get to come home with them. I dream that someday they may figure out what causes preterm-premature rupture of membranes and maybe even how to fix it. I dream that no one will have to plan a funeral instead of a baby shower. I dream that all women can have healthy, full-term pregnancies.

We walk today in honor of all the babies who have been born too soon, or too sick, whether they are here with us or not. We walk in honor of all of the beautiful women that I have met along this journey. The ones that are battling with high-risk pregnancies and incompetent cervix and the need to take p17 shots. Who stay on bedrest for weeks, even months at a time trying to do anything in their power to give their babies a chance. In honor of the women who fight this battle silently or loudly. We raise money and awareness for those of us who don’t know why it happened to us and for those of us that do know why and need help preventing it from happening again.

We are here because in the crowd we have my beautiful daughter, Avery, who will be 10 months old in a week. She was born full-term-on her due date, actually. We were so lucky and so blessed to have a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy with her-but we never would have even tried if not for the March of Dimes. Thanks to the March of Dimes, I was able to read about stories of survival, the stories I’ve read about of preemies that DID make it. The March of Dimes gave us enough hope to try again. That hope gave us the strength and now we have our daughter.

Thank you all for coming here today, in whatever weather conditions Mother Nature throws our way, to support the March of Dimes and to honor all of our miracles

This week

On Tuesday night, the day before the twins' birthday, I tried to help myself get a release from my grief. I went through the photos, I made a facebook group for their birthday, I re-read some of my blog posts from the very beginning. I uploaded their footprints for the first time:


The day of, I was numb. I went through the day in a weird state of indifference to everything. I took advice from some of you and went to the computer lab and gave the students a project to do so that it was still worthwhile, but I still didn't have to stand in front of the class and teach.

When I got home from work, my friend Sarah rang the doorbell and had made me this:

My husband then came home from picking up Avery from daycare. He was equipped with french fries for me (how thoughful is that!?) and this from my daycare provider (who has talked a lot with me over the past few weeks):

Then I got this candle in a package from a very good friend of mine:

I also got a beautiful ornament from the beautiful Bree and another ornament from the amazing Tina. I got cards, e-mails, texts.

I felt like they are so loved. I know that this year they are remembered. It makes my heart full.

That night, I went to sleep feeling so-weird. And, for the first time, I had a dream in which my little Sophie and Aiden made an appearance. It was amazing. I have been so jealous of those who have had dreams about their babies. I typically don't see faces in dreams, and this was not any different, but I knew it was them. They were toddlers with blond hair. I knew they looked like Avery. I knew we were all together and it made me so happy. I woke up feeling confused but peaceful.

Then, on Saturday, I had planned a surprise birthday lunch for one of my friends from college. It was a 1.5 hour drive and on the way home, I could feel things building. It's a long story, but I get home, click on the internet and realize that my step-father has de-friended my husband and me from facebook. I called my mom. Screamed at her. Then hung up on her.
Then I sat here and sobbed.
I cried so hard my contacts popped out and I was gagging and I just kept screaming, "I want my babies back. I want my babies back." I know each of you are reading this, nodding along-I know that feeling. I know that feeling of losing control.

I had a total breakdown. Today, my head is still a little fuzzy and my eyes a little puffy.
I really think that my body knew I needed to keep it all in. And then once my responsibilities were over , I had that release that I knew I needed.

Then, I gathered myself, called my mom and apologized. Figured out the Facebook fiasco (seriously sometimes HATE facebook). Went to bed early and slept for 12 hours (thank you, dear husband, for letting me sleep in!). Today, we went to the mall so Avery could meet the Easter bunny. I will leave you with this picture. I'll scroll it down a little in case you're not the in place in your journey to see a LC.

2

Happy second birthday in Heaven, my sweet, beautiful Aiden and Sophie.
I miss you beyond belief.
I love you beyond words.
Your daddy and sister and I sent a balloon to you today. Hope you got it.
xoxo
Mommy

Struggling to find the words

I have been trying to blog for a few days now. Trying to type it out. I swear, when things get rough, I normally log on, and type as fast as I can without even thinking about it. I just can't seem to make the words into anything comprehensible, even by writing.
I cried all through my day at school today. I looked at the clock a hundred times.
It was this monday, 2 years ago, that Sophie and Aiden were born. 2 years ago it was on the 13th and Easter was the twelfth. I went into labor Easter night.
I just kept looking, thinking, they were almost born, they were almost born. Sophie was born. Aiden was born.
Right now, two years ago, they wouldn't let me in the NICU to see them because things were so touch and go.

I just can't do anything but that. Recount the events.

The pain is there. I can't avoid it. I look at Avery and I am so beyond thankful for her. She makes every day so much better.

But, but, but, but-

I want them.

I want them here. I want them back.

Proof

After Avery was born, my dad insisted on meeting her.
I see my father once every year, usually. Sometimes not even that. He lives 3 hours away, but since he and my mother divorced, we don't have a relationship. He has a very big problem with lying and he verbally abused my mother, my sister, and me. I grew up being called names and being screamed at. He never hit us, but I felt scared that he would because of his problems with anger. He pushed me into a closet once when I accidentally let the dog out. Soon after that, he had an affair with one of our neighbors and my mom moved out.
I digress.
Anyway, he wanted to meet her. Insisted. My husband pushed me to do it. So on one of our trips home to visit my mom, we told my dad we would visit him. We made plans to call him when we were an hour away and he would pick up lunch and meet us at his condo. It had been over a year since we'd seen him last.
When we got close, I sent a text and didn't hear back. Then I called and left a message. Figured he went to get lunch. We got to his condo, we rang the bell. I could hear the dog barking, but no one came. Called his cell. No answer. Somehow, I remember his work number (I hadn't called it in YEARS). He answered. Was dumbfounded. Made up some excuse about how he didn't think I was coming since I hadn't called when I got close. Told me sometimes cell phones don't work in his town on Fridays (ahem) and added that he works in a metal building (.....)
We brought in Avery and he was like, oh, she's so cute. Then he SCARFED down his food, asked ot take a picture with her, and then stood there, looking at his watch.
It was as if he wanted a picture with her just to PROVE that he had seen his granddaughter. To show it off to his friends, to make it look like we have a relationship.
I try to do the right thing, to send him pictures of Avery. Instead, every time I send an e-mail, he responds with, "When can I see Avery? We'll drive there" (we as in his current girlfriend).
It drives me crazy. The pressure makes me want to RUN THE OTHER WAY.
We just had a similar situation with my sister-in-law. We have had a terrible relationship with her, mainly because her husband is very controlling (to the extent of abuse) and a few years ago when my father in law died, things got very bad (she refused to come home for the funeral saying that no one wanted her there-she came at the last minute and acted like a psycho and still blames everyone else-it's a loooooooong story). Anyway, her husband is in the navy and they move every 2 or 3 years. I couldn't believe that she didn't want to come home when her father was sick. I despise my father, and I still would take care of him if he got sick (and she was a stay at home mom and her kids were in school, so she could have made it work). Anyway, she never even visited even though she lives about 6 or so hours away and it's been very hard to navigate through my mother-in-laws health and depression issues as the only children.
So, out of the blue, she came to visit for a week, with her jerk of a husband. We weren't off school so I only saw them twice in the week. The first time, I walked into mil's house and I hadn't seen my bil in FIVE years and he didn't even look up from the tv when I walked in. We went to a big family dinner one night where we drove an hour away for dinner, past Avery's bedtime, and she invited her friends from high school to it! BUT, she took pictures, posted them on facebook, and plastered her wall with her "amazing family trip" and wrote "thanks for the memories" on my husband's.
Um....what memories?
Do you remember sitting in the same restaurant and not talking to us?
But, she has the pictures. The "proof." To the external eye, it was a great, wonderful, family trip.
So much of my life is fake.
So much of what people look on and see is not real.
So much of what we do every day, surviving, seems so much easier to other people than it really is.
Sometimes it feels like so much of it is a big lie.
But, of course, there is the opposite. So much of my life is REAL-the amazing love that I feel for my family and friends that care for me. That actually support me. The passion I feel for the students I teach. It's so real I could reach out and touch it, almost.
Life is full of surprises.
I wonder, sometimes, if I would know all this, if I would understand how rich and important life and love is, if I hadn't lost the twins. I would trade it all to have them back.
I miss them.
6 days and it will be TWO YEARS.
Where have those two years gone?