Insurance?

So, we got a rather large (lets just say thousands of dollars) bill in the mail from the hospital for Sophie---and we just figured it was an oversight?  Apparently the insurance didn't even know she existed, so the lady entered her in the system and said to have the hospital resend the bill.  Then, in her random mumblings, she kept referring to one day and did she live one day and blahblahblabh.  

Does anyone reading this know anything about that?  Does a baby have to live a certain amount of time to be covered by insurance?  That seems cruel and insane!!!

unsettling

I have no idea whatsoever why I thought of this-

but when we had our 20 wk scan, after we had the long ultrasound where she told us everything was perfect (stab stab twist twist) the DVD burner didn't work.  So she had me lay back down and grease back up and she did a quick 3 minute look so we could have a recording of the baby.  She gave us both DVDs so that we'd at least have the short one, but she hoped the long one worked.

We got them home and we had two blank DVDs.

Who even knows if I believe in all of this (who even knows what I believe) but lady that can't work a DVD burner?  Or a sign?

*insert theme to twilight zone* 

(Numb)ers

Ok, I know y'all know what I'm talking about-those random "getting to know you" surveys you get in the e-mail, or those silly quizzes you take on facebook when you're bored- they always ask you the same question-including, "What is your favorite number?"  I have always been perplexed and even semi-annoyed by this question, and since I have no lucky or favorite number (how even do you get one of those?), I put whatever number pops into my head.

It seems, to me, that now, instead of having a favorite number,  I despise them all.  Numbers define.  How many kids do you have?  They rule.  You must wait 6 months before you try to get pregnant.  They threaten.  You must get to 23 weeks in this pregnancy or your kids will die without a chance.  They remind.  May 16th would have been your baby shower, August 7th was your due date, April 13th is their birth day.  They shock.  You owe $7,934 for the 8 hours that Sophie spent in the NICU (Aiden's apparently gets covered by insurance, but we get a bill for Sophie?  Hmmmm...another lovely phone call to the lovely people at the insurance company-but yes, I am so thankful we have it, trust me...).  They label.  You are pregnant with two babies? Are you infertile?  

Numbers seem to have taken over in my life.  Whereas before I never even thought about them, now they follow me.  I see 2 robins and I think of my babies.  I see two cribs in the nursery which I'm not supposed to look in.  We saved enough money for two babies worth of daycare.  We bought a van that would fit 2 carseats.  We got presents in twos-two onesies, two monkeys, two booties, two hats, two pairs of socks.

Chances are the next time we get pregnant there won't be two babies.  And let's face it, part of me wishes that there would be.  Because somehow, then, the dreams that I had for the future as in instant four of us would still be possible.  You lose one baby, you have one more.  It's dangerous to think about getting pregnant to replace the baby you lost, but let's face it-cold and dirty-it's what we do.  

Numbers define me now.  They have changed me forever.  I lost my water at 21 weeks.  23 is viability.  They will rule us now.

Zero babies.

That's it.

That's the number.

Zero.

Zero babies.

That's it, folks.  Numbers numb.

(numb)ers.

this is where I want to write the f word. Rant that you all should ignore but I MUST get this out. Then maybe delete.

I feel like I want to explode. I feel like 700 things are going through my head at the same time.  I'm typing as fast as I can to just get this out because I.am.so.angry.

I'm so pissed off that someone would send me an invitation to their baby shower.  I have no right to be.  But do you really think I'm going to go?  I mean, seriously?  There is no way.  Not even a contemplation.  2 weeks ago she sends me a sympathy card for my babies and today a baby shower invitation?  Are you serious?  Oh, and let's email the staff 3 times in one week reminding them of the frickin baby shower that was originally planned for me, and now is for the person who had their baby a few months ago.  Um, can you TAKE MY FUCKING NAME OFF THE LIST PLEASE?  Is it that hard?  Is that too much too ask?

Oh, and while we're at it.  Seriously, if I see one more person put their status message on facebook "ugh, worst.day.ever"

REALLY?  Care to discuss this?

The whole stupid thing about all of this is one month ago I was the same way.  I was so naive.  So ignorant.  I sent out that horrible "Guess what?  I'm pregnant!" email.  I wonder now if someone I sent that to had just had a miscarriage or is struggling to get pregnant.

But DAMN IT.  This sucks.  This sucks so, so bad and people are so damn insensitive.

I feel so forgotten.  Is it so hard to send a friend an email to tell you you're thinking of them?  Well, it is so hard, because your life is soooooooooo hard.  Really?  What if you had to walk past the urns of your babies on the way to your computer?  What if when you log in you see that your bookmarks, which used to be baby/pregnancy sites, are links to dead baby blogs and resources on grieving.   REally? Is it that hard to send me an email?  Ask me how I am?  Ask me if I want to get together?

Because, frankly, I do!  My husband working and I'm not, and what that means is days that last weeks and hours to think about my two babies who SHOULD BE IN MY BELLY not in a fucking urn.

I am so angry.  And lonely.  

But thankful for my husband.  And my puppy.  And my health.  But let's face it-I shouldn't really have to stop and think about what I'm thankful for.  I got totally ripped off.  Cheated.  And I'm pissed.  And when I'm not pissed, I'm sobbing.  Or weepy.

And then I think of my colleague who is dying of brain cancer.

Or the one whose 18 year old son is in a coma from a car accident in which alcohol was involved.

And dammit, I feel guilty.  Because maybe this makes me just as bad as the person who puts "got a speeding ticket today fuck my life".  

Ugh.  This so, so sucks.  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

One month

Dear Aiden and Sophie,

It is almost impossible to believe that it's been one month since you were born, and one month since you left us.  I miss you both so, so much.  More than you could ever imagine.

This past weekend was mother's day.  I had so many dreams of this day.  Perhaps not this particular one, but of the ones in the future.  Of Daddy taking you to pick out a card and flowers and having breakfast in bed.  Of you bringing home beautiful things that you made in school-you know, lovely, artistic things :)  I know that you are up in Heaven, doing those lovely things for your Great-grandmas instead of for me.  

I want you to know how much your Daddy and I love you.  We will love you always, always.  We wish so desperately that you were here with us-it seems so unfair and so cruel that you couldn't stay.  It hurts me so much that I can't even stand it some days.  I'm trying really hard to keep moving forward, to keep smiling and laughing so that you'll be proud of me.  Some days I just don't find much to be funny!!! (except justin timberlake on snl-seriously, that guy is hilarious).  I want you to know that I wanted so badly to be your mother.  You were so, so wanted.  We were ready for you.  Ready to be parents.  Ready to give up staying up late, and sleeping in.  Ready to push work aside for what is more important.  Ready to read books to you every single night and sing songs and teach you French.  Ready to take long, annoying trips in our new mini-van so that you could hang out with grandmas.  Ready for you to fight with each other, ruin the nice things in our house, scream, kick-whatever.  We were ready for sleepless nights and sucking boogers out of your noses.

But you had other plans, I suppose.  You wanted to go straight to Heaven where maybe you could watch over us.  I wish you could have stayed.

I miss you so, so much.  I love you and your daddy loves you, too.  Please know this.  All of your family misses you so much and wishes they could have met you.  They all agree at how equally handsome and beautiful you were.  Sophie, I still am sorry that you got my nose! At least they'll recognize you as a Furman up there :)  We have such great friends that were looking so forward to meeting you.  They all wanted to baby-sit and take you out to fun places to play.  They miss you, too.

I think of you so often.  I'm so proud of you for trying to stay here as long as you could.  I'm so sorry that I couldn't keep you safe.  I'm so sorry that my body didn't protect you like it should have.  I'm sorry that my body failed us.  I'm sorry that you aren't here with me like you should be.  I'm so, so sorry.

I love you Sophie and Aiden!

Mom

The Rain

Today I grabbed my ipod and my sunglasses and took Louis for a really long walk.  I feel today like I'm going backwards in my grief journey.  I'm reading a book right now that reminded me that in reality it's a cycle-it's not linear.  Just because I had some good days doesn't mean they all will be!

Yesterday was such a bad day-I know that until I have a kid living here on Earth, Mother's Day is just another day.  I just let it get to me.  A few people actually said Happy Mother's Day to me-each time I heard it, I cried.  Thank you, thank you.  Some of my friends acknowledged that the day would be hard-which I appreciate-but I need for my babies to be acknowledged.  The more times I hear the names, the more times I can say their names, it validates their very existence.  I want to believe that I'm not the only ones that misses them, that understands they were here and that I loved them.  

Anyway, I'm on this walk and it's impossible to ignore the beauty of spring.  It's hard to be angry at the birds happily twirping and the lovely smell of fresh-cut grass.  You can't blame the sky for being so blue and making the clouds float lazily by.  I walk past houses and wonder-what has happened to this family, or this one.  Did they have a baby die?  A child?  Is someone sick in their family?  Did they just lose their job?  

I'd like to say it wasn't true, but I also get into the habit of thinking things like-their father probably caught the cancer in time.  Their babies probably made it in the NICU.  

This is all pretty much completely ridiculous.  BUT there is a point to why I'm writing this.

I'm walking down the street, trying not to let the waves of pain completely take me over, and a song comes on.  It's one of my favorite songs, but as I listen I wonder, have I ever really listened to the words before this very moment?

I don't think I had.  And it is so important for me to know, to remember, that I am not the only person to feel this pain.  If we didn't feel this pain, we wouldn't know why life was so beautiful. We wouldn't be so intrigued by Heaven-a place where we feel no pain-we aren't touched by tragedy-without pain that place would be no big deal, right?

I suppose it's fruitless to look for a reason why this happened-I know that I didn't do anything to deserve this personally-but sometimes the guilt is overwhelming.  This song, though-this song today reminded me that no one is free from this-perhaps some are free from this particular situation, but if not this, it's something else.  In the meantime, I need to be gentle with myself and let myself be loved and cared for.  

The song is by the group Third Day.  Here are the lyrics:

 

When the rain comes you think that everyone has gone away 

When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace 

To run and hide 

Escape the pain 

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do 

 

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away 

 

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done 

When the storm fades you know the rain has fall'n on everyone 

So rest a while 

It will be alright 

No one loves you like i do 

 

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you, 

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again 

I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away

 

 

A poem (not by me, of course)

What Makes a Mother 

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime
and other's for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."So you see
my dear sweet one,
your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.
Written with love
for all the Mother's missing their babies
by Jennifer Wasik