LFCA

I just wanted to make sure everyone knows about/remember the LFCA (Lost and Found and Connections Abound).

It is a hub for the infertility/loss community and you can go there, submit a link to a blog post, and help that blogger get support.  It's amazing!

Go here to see the latest issue (it's small, which is why I want to remind people to do it!)

http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/2013/06/781st-issue-of-lfca.html

Four

Happy fourth birthday, my beautiful babies.
I miss you more than words could say.

Safe

He is here safe.

Baby E was born safely through C-Section at 8:48 a.m. on December 31, 2012.  He weighed 8 pounds 7 ounces and was 21.25 inches long.

He is a very mellow, easy going baby.  We feel so lucky.  So, so lucky.

He looks JUST like A did when she was born.  He's starting to look different now, at 10 days old.

We are spending our days holed up inside-flu season has me freaked out and I am still recovering.  His big sister is very loving toward him, but having a little trouble adjusting, with jealousy (totally normal and expected). 

I did decide to get my tubes tied.  It was a hard decision, but I really just felt like I wanted...no, I needed for my "reproductive days" to be done . I need to focus on my family, on our health, on making plans for the future with the family I have been blessed with.  Pregnancy, while not totally complicated, is not so easy for me, mostly because of gestational diabetes, my anxiety, etc.  I felt so awful because I couldn't interact with A like I need to.  I'm ready to look toward the future-stop worrying about if I'm ovulating or not, if I'm going to get pregnant, if I will have a miscarriage, will my water break...the uncertainty, the longing, the wishing.  I feel as though by making this choice I have made the decision to stop.  It wasn't made for me.  I That gives me some peace.  And although I did dream of having a bigger family, having 3 or 4 kids-I have 4, just not all with me.  And these were just the cards I was dealt.

I feel like it's been so different bringing this baby home.  I don't know why.  I guess I feel a lot more confident this time around, in my abilities at least.  Everything doesn't seem so scary and I recognize a lot of the things that worried me with A as normal.  It's definitely harder to have an older sibling to help, but it's early days, and we just need to fall into a routine, I think.

I still really can't believe he's here, and safe.  I really just cannot believe it.  I think back to our journey here and it amazes me still.  Amazes me that we all are brave enough to go through what we did, these horrible, tragic losses, and we still forge on, we still try to grow our families (even though some of us are luckier than others, which makes me angrier than I can really say).  I am so blessed to be a part of this community, to have your support, to have made it this far with you all.  xoxo

An Island

Sometimes, all I wish for is an island.  No, I don't even care if it's, like, a subdivision or something.  Someplace where you have to be screened by me to "get in, " to live there.  And your way in is to be someone who has suffered a loss such as ours, and have compassion, and empathy.
And you understand me.
The funny thing is, I'm so serious.  I joke with my bff Bree, who lives across the country from me, "Come have lunch with me!".  But...I'm not joking.  I would give ANYTHING to have her come have lunch with me.
As the Christmas cards arrive at my house, my husband will ask, "Who is that, again?" and more often than not, it seems, I say, "One of my online friends."  And he'll be in awe...she lives in California? And she sent you a Christmas card?  It's adorable.  He's always been supportive and I love him for that.
I love how I can see on each card, whether explicit or not, a little shout-out to everyone's babies that are no longer with us.  I love how I KNOW I could send them a card mentioning Sophie and Aiden and they would not blink an eye.

As I navigate this pregnancy after loss, the second one, I wish for that unconditional understanding.  I wish to be around people that know what to say, to ask, and what to leave out.  The barrage of questioning...the looks of confusion when I say that I've had both a c-section and a vaginal birth, actually (what is she talking about? their looks says).  The way people just shut down if I dare mention this is my THIRD pregnancy, not my second.  Even the freaking medical professionals. 

Oh, and in our island, our compound, I know there are enough of us in each profession.  So our nurses would be a loss survivor, too.  Our teachers.  Our insurance salesmen.  So you NEVER have to explain, to stutter, to elaborate.

Sometimes, pretending to be "normal" is just so tiring.  Pretending that what the person just said to you doesn't sting gets old. 

Having to constantly say things like, "I know how blessed I am.  I am so grateful.  I'm so lucky to be a mom" when some days you feel SO beat down, just by normal life and no matter if these things are true (which they so are) sometimes you don't even feel like you have the right to complain or vent (which is, really because you DO know how blessed you are no matter what).

I dream of living in a little subdivision where everywhere I went I would see reminders of our beautiful babies, the ones we lost, and have my babies play with the ones that got to stay.

I have come here to blog so many times in the past few weeks. So much goes through my head, and I just dont think I can even articulate it in words.
I am just about 31 weeks into this pregnancy.  This is when I finally relax about about having a micropreemie, and start panicking about kick counts and stillbirth and low fluid, and a million other things I have not experienced but have read about.
Last weekend we painted a room.  We painted it blue.  I have a room in my house with a little girl and one Im now getting ready for a little boy.
I had some friends ask me about a shower and I heard myself saying yes.  I almost couldnt believe it.
I just want to believe. I want to wash the little blue clothes and put the choo choo trains on the wall.  I want to stock up on diapers and starting making plans.
This is all old news to you.  I warned you that I dont have much to say.  I feel so guilty because Im supposed to enjoy pregnancy, just be happy, dont take it for granted.  But, the truth is, I hate it.  I hate being pregnant.  It scares the crap out of me, I cant focus at work I am not a great mom to Avery I think my grief for the twins gets a little worse.  I have the stupid gestational diabetes again and it stresses me to the max.  I really, honestly feel like time is standing still.  I keep begging the universe...just help me get Avery a living sibling here and I swear, Ill be done.  I wont push my luck,
I know I should be enjoying my time with just avery ,but frankly, she is 2 and not napping and I have a very stressful class and I am just cranky.  I hate myself for that.  Ugh.
I shouldnt even publish this, but I know some of you are wondering and checking in .im fine, good really, but too full of complaints for my own good.  I know I am lucky, I know I have it good.  I am ready to have this litle boy safely here.
Hope you are all well!

The "Perfect Family", Viability (I hate that word), and Tube-y Thoughts

A few weeks ago, we found out this baby is a boy.

I had a feeling that it was, but not a very strong one, and mostly just a "I'm scared" feeling that it would be.  I'm not scared of having a boy, but I was scared of this feeling.  This feeling that now, I have a girl and a boy.

The perfect family.

Right?

I remember when we found out the twins were a boy and a girl.  I was over the MOON.  One of each!  What could be better???  A girl for me and a boy for the hubby.  Pink, fluffy dresses and choochoo trains. 

I don't talk too much about being pregnant.  I think I might announce it on face.book soon, only because I have relatives that I would like to know and it's the easiest way.  But, up until now, I haven't really said anything . Whenever I do, it's the first thing out of their mouth.

"A girl and a boy!  Now you have the perfect family.  One of each."

I want to scream.  Don't they understand (of course they don't; if they did, they wouldn't say it) that I will never have the perfect family?  I will have half of my family here, and half of my family in Heaven.  I will have one girl and (hopefully) one boy, but the other two I'll never get to know.  It's not perfect.

But, it's mine.  My family.  And I'm proud of it!  Just sometimes it's hard to feel.

On Monday I will be 24 weeks.  This week has been awful, filled with an enormous amount of anxiety and lots of nightmares.  Last night, actually, I had to wake my husband up to turn on the light to make sure there wasn't a snake hanging on the curtain rod.  I really, really believed it was there.  I was up the rest of the night.  Ugh.

It's not like I'm naive enough to think that once I get past 24 weeks everything will be ok, it's just the first of many milestones I need to get through.  We started school a few weeks ago.  I have a very nice class, but they are extremely needy and I'm coming home every day stressed and exhausted.  I keep feeling like I'm doing too much and I get home and am almost scared to move.  I'm SO thankful I have an understanding, kind, worried husband.  He won't let me lift anything, use cleaning products, change diapers (since A likes to kick while being changed and finds it hilarious), etc.  It helps my anxiety more than anything.

I had an appointment this week and asked my doctor about when I would have to decide about a tubal ligation.  I'm not decided yet, but, I think I'm on my way.  I know I wanted to have more than 2 kids, I know I'm still young, I know all these things.  However, pregnancy and ALL it entails-it consumes me.  It's never ending.  PCOS, when is my period, am I ovulating? Could I be pregnant? fertility doctors, checking for bleeding, peeing on a stick, checking for bleeding, ptsd, being afraid to roll over, to sneeze for fear my water will break, not being able to lift my daughter....it all is so much.  I wish it were easy, I wish I were "good" at pregnancy, but I'm not.  And I am FOREVER and forever so unbelievably grateful that I got the chance to be pregnant, bring home a healthy daughter, and now hopefully a healthy son.  I think I want to move on to the next chapter of my life, end my reproductive years and focus on being a mom.

Of course, I'll wait to make a decision until I'm at a gestation where prematurity isn't an issue.  I don't know that if this baby died, I'd want to have any more anyway, but I don't think I'd get a tubal all the same.  I remember my desperation to be pregnant again when I lost the twins.

Anyway, a lot on my mind lately.  I'm just working, being a mom, and trying so hard to make this a peaceful, healthy pregnancy.  I'm so thankful for your prayers, well wishes, and comments.

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The second time around

People keep asking me if this time is "easier."

I am, honestly, feeling hurt lately.  Alone.  I'm pretty sure that the general thoughts out there are:  1.  Nothing bad will happen, it didn't with Avery, right?  2.  You should just be thankful you can get pregnant, and did it on your own.  3.  Avery's pregnancy was normal, you didn't have any complications, what are you worried about?

I'll tell you what.  I still HAVE TWO DEAD BABIES.

Am I grateful?  Oh, man, they have no idea.  Some days I still cannot believe it.  I still can't believe that I have been so lucky, so blessed.  It's not that I "deserve" it, I just got lucky.  And I think about it and thank God every.single.day.

BUT...

I still have ptsd.  I still have nightmares.

I still am afraid every.single.night. to roll over for fear of hearing that POP of my water breaking.  I still am afraid that there will be no heartbeat. That there will be a cord accident.  That one of the million things that I didn't know about before but do now, will happen.

I'm not being treated as high-risk this time. No peri, no extra appointments, no extra ultrasounds.  It's hard.  Really, really hard.  I haven't had an appt in 5 weeks.  The anxiety is all consuming.  Overwhelming.

When I was pregnant with Avery, people were right there with me.  Encouraging, listening.  Now, it just seems like they think I should just shut up, move on and get over it because, after all, it won't happen again.

But, the thing is, of course it MIGHT.  And, beyond that, I still am scared.  I still have fear.  I still don't know what will happen.  I still don't know it will be alright.  And I still need help.  I need an ear, a hand to hold.  I still need a friend to come over and sit with me.  I still need to not be in bed at exactly 9:40, the time my water broke.  I need so much, and I feel like people don't think I do.  I feel isolated.

This is hard, yo.