Almost a Mother

Letter

2012-01-28T19:46:00.002-06:00

Hello,

I would like to report a recent appointment that I had with Dr. T in the Fertility Clinic.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound in the clinic, with her there to read the results.

A little background-in 2009 I was pregnant with twins and suffered premature delivery and both were born at almost 24 weeks and they passed away in the NICU. Since then I have had a successful pregnancy, resulting in my daughter who is now 18 months old. I am back to try for another pregnancy, but as an intervention I have an ultrasound to check how my body responded to the medication (I do not ovulate as a result of poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and see how many follicles are growing, in order to avoid a higher risk of conceiving twins again.

Dr. T :

1. Did not introduce herself. I had no idea she was even a doctor. She walked in and seemed to be in a rush.

2. She had obviously not familiarized with my situation/read my chart before hand and had no idea the reason for which I was even having an ultrasound.

3. She acted as though she was angry that she even had to be there as she “had no voice.”

4. She did not explain anything on the ultrasound.

After the ultrasound, I waited for answers. She said, “Well, it looks like you have one or two follicles.”

I needed to know if there was one OR two-that was the whole reason I was paying for that ultrasound.

She was very short with me. She was rude. She was demeaning and derogatory in how she spoke to me. She wrote a note in my file that was EXTREMELY demeaning, simply because I had teared up while watching the ultrasound. She implied that because I had teared up while looking at the ultrasound, that I "must need counseling" and that "a doctor cannot control how many eggs a woman produces."

I think most people are familiar with something called post traumatic stress. I have it. After holding two of my babies while they died, there are several triggers, specifically in the hospital setting, that cause me to feel anxiety, and even fear. For her to comment in a demeaning way because I “teared up” is unfeeling and cruel. I am SHOCKED that XX Hospital would employ a doctor (specifically in the fertility clinic, in which I’m positive there are others who have had situations similar to mine) is very, very sad to me.

After I explained my situation she replied, “Well there are no doctors here. We cannot control how many eggs a woman produces. Just don’t have sex this cycle then.” She then turned around and walked out of the room. She acted like she had NO time for me, and seemed to think an appropriate answer to my question was to “just not have sex”.

I left that appointment feeling horrible. I did not have any answers to help me decide about my next steps. In a situation when you are dealing with time sensitive issues (i.e. a menstrual cycle/ovulation) immediate feedback is essential. Thankfully, K, a nurse from the clinic who is extremely kind and helpful called me back, and my doctor, Dr. R, also called me back immediately the next day. I am a teacher and it’s extremely difficult to talk to a nurse during the day-especially when I had a doctor right there who wouldn’t answer any of my questions, so noe of this should have been necessary. I was also contacted by Dr. B, who had seen my note come through and was concerned.

I then was called by Dr. K, who asked for me to share about the incident. The ultrasound tech had informed others about the situation. She also apologized to me after the appointment was over. I appreciated the concern and the time they took to listen to me.

During my time at XX, I have had so many knowledgeable, efficient, caring and kind nurses and doctors. My family doctor is the most amazing person and treats me with the most respect. However, I have had many cruel and hurtful comments made to me since losing my twins. In a business that deals with so much loss, I would hope that doctors are educated on how to treat those who have gone through these big life changing events However, this time was by FAR the worst. I don’t expect extra special treatment because my twins died. What I do expect is to be treated humanely, to have my questions answered, and to be treated with respect.

I believe that patient safety involves patient emotional safety as well. I think that my safety was compromised. I am very seriously considering moving to XX for the fertility part of my journey, because it will be very difficult to schedule around NOT having Dr. T ever again.

I would be more than happy to explain more or answer any questions. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Christy

All I once had

2012-01-24T20:10:00.003-06:00

So, we decided that we wanted to have another baby. A living sibling for Avery. I mean, we've probably always known, but we decided we were "ready." Whatever that means.

I am not one of those people that you read so much about; I didn't suddenly become fertile after having a baby. I still don't ovulate; I still need help. Thankfully, the help I need is "minimal," meaning I take a pill and I ovulate.

It still means a trip to the RE. Which I did.

We decided to take the same plan of action as before. Get period, take femara (like clomid, but has a decreased chance of multiples) have a mid-cycle ultrasound to check and make sure there is only one follicle, timed intercourse, pregnancy.

I knew I needed to keep my head into perspective, not let it get lost in the clouds. I wanted to tell people right away, but I wanted to keep it to myself. The twins and Avery were both conceived on our first round of medication. I seem to be the "most fertile infertile." I am lucky. But I didn't want to convince myself that would happen, for fear of the letdown.

Anyway, the only way I get a period is to take birth control, which I did. Days 3-7 I took my femara. Mood swings, bad headaches, nothing awful.

Yesterday I went in for my mid-cycle ultrasound. DH couldn't go, it was the first day of the semester and he got all new students and I went before school.

The tech inserted the good 'ol va-ja-jay wand, and I watched her measure one follicle in my left ovary at 16 (mm? I don't know what measurement it is). Then I watched her turn her wand, and measure one follicle in my right ovary. 16 again.

I lost it. I freaking lost it. First of all, I had a TERRIBLE doctor's office visit. The doctor was extremely rude to me. She said and did so many things that I don't want to go into (but I did report to the clinic) but after the u/s she did not explain a single thing to me. She said, "Well, it looks like you have one if not two follicles. Great."

Um, excuse me. Is it one OR two ? You see, that's why I'm paying $150 for this ultrasound.

Anyway, she didn't answer any of my questions, but a nurse did later on the phone.

TWO large follicles. One in each ovary. Ready. Waiting.

I am showing other signs of ovulation, which I never have. Cervical mucous, slight cramping.

I cannot believe how hard this is. To skip a cycle. To know that I could make a baby (and quite probably two) right now, but I can't. I have to wait. I have to sit and wait and go against EVERY fiber in my being.

Because, you see, having twins would be too dangerous.
But it's all I ever want.
It's all I had.
It's all I'll never have.

Having twins won't replace Aiden and Sophie. Of course it won't.

But I feel SUCH extreme jealousy when I see twins. That's supposed to be me! ME! That was me, you see. I sat in a restaurant after my ultrasound and I called everyone I knew and screamed in the phone, "TWINS! OMG! YOU GUYS! TWINS!" and I sat in the teacher's lounge with a smug look on my face when someone new would come in and I'd be introduced as the "Twin Mama."

And I bought every twin book I could find. I memorized what I would do to tandem breastfeed. I came up with a gameplan about how I would get two babies in and out of the minivan we had just bought, just for them. I joined the local Moms of Multiples club, and made plans with my mom to go to their huge consignment sale to get ready.

I made their nursery. I watched my husband put up two cribs and two gliders. I carefully chose the paint for their room. I painstakingly picked out two outfits for their coming home outfits. One a size newborn, and one a size "preemie" because, you know, sometimes twins are born early (no one mentioned 16 weeks early, which they don't seem to make a size for at Target.)

I was (am?) a twin mama, but they're not really anywhere to be found. They seem to have vanished. Sometimes, when I'm brave enough, I'll go and touch their urns. It seems so strange to sit there, holding the cold urn, turning it in my hand. Is this really it? This is all?

So, yeah. I want twins again. I WANT TWINS AGAIN.

But.

BUT.

BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT.

What if the whole thing happened all over again. What if my water broke and I had to do the whole.damn.thing.over.again.

And what if I could have avoided that, by skipping this cycle?

So, skip we will.

Even if there's nothing in the world I want more. I will move on and try to forget and hope my body will figure out that I just one want follicle, that's all I can handle, I don't know why my babies died and I can't chance it. I have Avery now and I can't be on bedrest. And so even though I'm on the lowest dosage, "You know we can't control how many eggs a woman produces" says the rude doctor with venom in her voice.

Well, excuse me for being upset about it. But I can see on that screen, the chance. The future. All within my grasp. And instead, I have to turn and walk away, and tell my husband that, "No, honey, I'm sorry, it won't be this month for us." And he'll say back, "It'll be ok. It's always ok."

Except it always isn't.

Weaving

2012-01-06T19:36:00.003-06:00

It feels like everytime I say their names, I brace myself. I say them, and then flinch-wondering what will swing my way. I post something on facebook, then immediately delete it. I mention them in a conversation that's NOT about death or pregnancy or baby loss and I slur my words, trying to move on to the next topic in such a hurry.

"She really needs to just move on."

"She needs to get over it."

"She must be depressed."

These are, of course, what I imagine they're thinking, instead of what they actually say. Well, they probably actually say it to each other.

I want to talk about them ALL THE TIME. I want to go outside and SCREAM their names. I want everyone to always remember that they were here. They were inside of me, and then they were born, and then they wrapped their little fingers around mine, and they EXISTED.

I think of them all day, long, still. Almost 3 years later. I wonder when it changes. I wonder when a day will go buy, and I'll be making dinner and I'll realize that I haven't thought of them.

Do you guys remember that I am my mom's rainbow baby? That my sister, Mary, was stillborn over 30 years ago, in between my sister and me? I want to ask my mom. I want to ask her when it stopped. When she stopped thinking of my sister every day, all day long. But things were so different with her. She grieved SO differently than me. She also had a totally different experience than most of us-she never got to see her, or hold her. She was whisked away. When she arrived home from the hospital, my grandmothers had gone over and taken down the nursery, taking the stuff to an undisclosed place. There was a statue of the Virgin Mary in my house, though, all my life. I remember it very clearly when I was a little girl. It moved with us, and with my mom once she and my father got divorced.

I always wondered a little about the statue. My mom is Catholic, and went to church every Sunday, but we didn't have any other religious figurines, or bibles, or anything in our house. But I never thought to ask. I recently found out that that statue is in memory of my sister, Mary. That my mom got it as a gift after she passed away and it is all she has. The ONLY momento. No hospital bracelet, no blanket, no lock of hair, no photos. So she did what she had to do-she chose something. A symbol.

But when was I told that I had another sister that had died? I don't know. How was I told? I don't remember.

Somehow, my mother has weaved Mary's existence into our lives.

This is what we do. We are expert seamstresses. We weave in and out of grief. We take the needle and pull the thread through, trying our best to wrap up and pull in those memories. Their names. Their entire, short, existence.

A Year in Review

2011-12-30T20:00:00.002-06:00

I kept telling myself that I needed do this, as I have done it for 2009 and 2010. But, you see, I feel like I have nothing to say!

My year, as a whole:

Take care of Avery
Try to honor the memory of the twins
Start a new job

That's really it. My family members are here and healthy, and so my year can seem to be summed up much more quickly than the past two or three.

I am so grateful, and as I face 2012, I feel very glad to be me, to be who I am.

I am in a place now where I can control my emotions better, mostly. Oh, don't get me wrong, grief still jumps out from around the corner and punches me hard in the face, and it's always kind of there, lurking about, waiting for you to take a misstep. But, I can handle it better most of the time. I have coping mechanisms, and I have my support.

My support is you. Every time I have to reflect on what I am grateful for, it's this community. We all know-what WOULD we have done without it? What would I have done? Where would I be? I know it has given me this strength. This strength to say, yes, I still suck at pregnancy announcments and baby showers, and the word "twin" in all its forms, even when in reference to a bed (psycho, yo!), but I am stronger. I have my scars and I have my beautiful babies whom I will spend the rest of this year, and next year, and my life remembering.

I wish they were here. I wish all of your beautiful babies were here, too. But thank you for spending this year with me, in whatever capacity that you did.

Peace to you for this New Year. xoxo

A parallel universe

2011-11-13T20:51:00.002-06:00

As time goes by, I think that in real life there are VERY few people that "get" me. I don't think I felt as judged right in the beginning of my grief journey as I do now.
I just had a talk with one of my best friends, someone who I met in blogland but has transferred into my real life, although we don't live near each other. Anyway, I called to ask her how you know when you are actually depressed.
Like, how do you know when you are supposed to ask for help, or get put on drugs, or whatever? How do you know when it stops being "situational" and starts being plain old depression?
I don't want to go on medication. I don't want to go see my doctor. I don't want to go back to the shrink.
I'm doing my job. I'm loving on Avery. My house is spotless and I'm paying my bills and sending out birthday cards to my annoying relatives at the right times.
I'm not sleeping too much (in fact, hardly at all if we're going to analyze that) or laying on the couch ignoring my family like they do in those commercials.
A lot of times, I feel happy. Avery makes me laugh so hard sometimes I cry of happiness. She is hysterical, that girl. She makes the funniest faces and talks in her own little language and knocks over the kids at daycare to steal their snacks.
I think I love my new job, the 4th graders, and I'm much less stressed at work. I have the nicest class in the history of the universe.
But then, I still cry. And I still get so MAD because I watch Avery do something and wonder why Sophie and Aiden didn't get to do it. I get so hurt when I watch people with their twins.
Today is the 13th. 31 months since they lived and died. We went out for ice cream. We've gone out for ice cream on the 13th or 14th every single month since they were born.
Today I thought, we should stop. We should stop this. We can't eat ice cream every month for the rest of our lives.
But maybe we could.
I went to see the musical Jekyll and Hyde this week.
Sometimes I feel like that-like I am two separate, complete people. One woman, who is so happy, so blessed, so lucky.
One who is so sad. So unfortunate. So judged. So sad. In such despair.

There's more than "just" the twins. There's my father, who is absent from my life. Who was so horrible to me an my family. Who is always trying to get back in. Who lays on the guilt. Who is mentally ill.

There's the fact that my father in law died of cancer right before we got pregnant with the twins.

There's the fact that his wife and daughter are depressed and have their own mental illnesses, who add so much to the guilt I feel all the time.

There's the fact that my husband and I are doing very well, but we are so stressed and I feel a little disconnected from him.

There's the fact that I think I want to have another baby, but I feel absolutely CRAZY for even wanting to try that.

I feel like I can never be truly happy.
But that I'm not really depressed.

I wish my mom lived closer. I wish my family wanted to be around Avery. She's so amazing. I wish they knew how important it was to me to remember my babies.

You can tell me. If you think I should be past this. If you think I should go talk to my doctor. Because I really don't know. I really don't know when I'm supposed to say, ok, lady, you need to get it together. You're too sad. You're just too sad.

I wish someone would tell me.

I just wish it were all different.

But I love Avery so much, so I can't wish it was too different anymore.

Ugh. Two different people. Two different lives. Two different universes.

Shutterfly

2011-11-04T20:28:00.001-05:00

Y'all, I'm going crazy using Shutterfly. I like to do my holiday shopping early, and I always get stuck on my grandpa and my husband's grandma. They really don't want anything....and I struggle to get ideas from them...and I remembered: Shutterly! I've been cranking out the calendars, mugs, giant pictures of Avery like you can't believe.
The other day I told the hubs I should really figure out what will be on our holiday cards and get them ordered. Then, I remembered the blog promotion they did last year and searched to see if I could find it, and I did!

You all should use Shutterfly this year. It's inexpensive, fast, and it makes GREAT gifts. It's so easy, and I love how they deliver right to your house instead of visiting the store with the nasty germ covered photo machines and having to go out in the cold, snowy weather to pick them up!

The other reason I love them is because they just have more choices. My sister married into a family that is Jewish, so I like to send cards with "Happy Holidays" or ones that even say Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kwanzaa, etc. So I get more options with shutterfly as well.

Here are some links for you to check out:

Shutterfly http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards

· Christmas cards http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards

· greeting cards http://www.shutterfly.com/greetings

· invitations to http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/invitations

· photo mugs http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs

· photo cards http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery

As soon as I get our holiday cards done, I'll post back so you can see a picture of it. Last year I did a top ten list of what we did that year and it was an AMAZING way for me to mention Aiden and Sophie without feeling like I'd be judged.

Share yours with me, too! And check out the blog promotion! It's rad.

2.5

2011-10-13T19:43:00.001-05:00

Today, Aiden and Sophie would be 2.5 years old.

I think I can't breathe.

At my elementary school, there is a set of twins. They have severe disabilities. One has a walker and the other is in a wheelchair. They are both non-verbal. I used to wonder how that happened. Now I wonder...what if? What if they were here? What if they had made it?

The wondering makes my head hurt so bad that I want to crawl in a hole. Baby announcements lately are getting to me. I'm back in a bad place. Jealousy, Bitterness. I have Avery and I am SO blessed and so lucky.

But I miss them.

It's not fair.

Checking In

2011-09-18T19:46:00.002-05:00

I have to say that it feels awfully good to have people check in on me (Thanks, Stacey!!) but I feel bad that I slack off and make people HAVE to check in on me.
I am having a writing block. I've had a really rough time lately, but it just seems so....redundant. So already talked about. :(
I'm still reading, whenever I have a spare second I try-but I just haven't been able to feel out what I want to say.
Thank you all for everything :)

Normal

2011-08-22T19:26:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. I think that's the longest I've ever gone. It's not for lack of want or need, I just have had one of those-can't read, can't write, I'm frozen, kind of months.
I'm starting a new job here in about a week-still teaching, but elementary school, which is SO different from a middle school specialty class. It has opened up some wounds for me, unfortunately.
I guess, to start with is the fact that I am working with a whole new building. A whole new group of people to get to know.
I have realized in the last few weeks that I really like to protect myself. I shy very much away from situations in which there are people who I don't know-people who don't know my story. I tense up when I am with strangers, even if it's in the grocery store.
Being in a new place, with all new people has brought out some of my worst fears. I find myself much more emotional than normal. I don't seem to be very confident.
This lack of confidence is spreading into everywhere (along with fatigue and a LOT of work due to new job). It's really hard to be a baby loss mom and express the difficulties of parenting (I'm not saying that so you feel bad for me-it's so that you know I'm sensitive to you all out there who may not yet or may not ever be blessed with a living child). Mainly because I know that I should just be happy to have Avery here. I know that I should just suck it up and keep going, which most of the time I do. But it's been so hard to be a full-time worker plus mom plus wife plus start a new job plus have Avery randomly start biting and hitting me and keep it together. (please know that I do still know how very, very lucky I am to HAVE a job and a husband and a living on earth daugther).
I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm bickering with my husband. I'm unhealthy. I'm tired. I'm not into playing with Avery like I should be. I may have made a giant mistake with this job change. I'm forgetting dates with my friends and birthdays.
My pcos is very out of control lately. I haven't had a period since March and the hormones are making me break out, I'm oily from head to toe, I'm cranky and tired, I'm bloating and gaining weight even though sometimes I'm hardly eating. I can't get a doctor appt until November. I'm worried about my thyroid for different reasons.
All in all, I don't have it together right now.
And today, I met with the other two teachers on my team. One is a twin, and I swear to you (even though one of them for sure knows my story) I sat there for 10 minutes while they talked about twins and all things about them. How fun it would be to have them, how fun it is to be one, how their grandma/boyfriend/cousin/uncle is a twin, how hard it would be at bedtime, ETC ETC ETC until I wanted to RUN RUN away.
I left there thinking that I will NEVER by normal. I will never hear the word "twin" without wanting mine back. I will never be able to idly chat about twins without screaming on the inside "MINE SHOULD BE HERE".
I may never be able to talk about pregnancy without that little voice in my head going off, "Well, if it gets here alive. If you're a lucky one." "Are you sure you should buy a crib when you're only 5 weeks pregnant?"

I've got to get it together. Put one foot in front of the other. I need a plan.

Friendship

2011-07-21T21:11:00.002-05:00

I remember coming home from the hospital after having Sophie and Aiden. It's all such a blur, but I was in the most amount of pain that I have ever felt. I could barely function. I spent my days and my nights screaming, yelling, crying, weeping, begging.
And reaching out. Scrambling to find help.
I reached for my computer. When Brian went back to work, I laid in bed, searching. I would google "I lost my babies." "What to do when your baby dies." "I lost my twins."
Infant mortality, pprom, prematurity, grief, losing a baby, losing twins....
The list goes on and on.
Some of the things I found made me angry. At one point, I remember finding a site with dead baby jokes.
But then, I found a blog. I started reading, and never stopped. The internet became my home, my support system. It became a safe place I could go to tell my feelings to others who understood, who didn't judge, who knew I was ok, but was in the deepest, darkest place possible.
I can honestly say that I don't know what would have happened had I not found my little internet community. Had I not made connections with people from all around the world who shared my hurt, and also shared my hope.
I was so lucky to be able to take a trip recently and meet in person some of the beautiful, beautiful women I have shared this journey with.
Brian had a conference for work across the country, and one of my very best blog friends is from there, but it's a huge state-so I just asked her if she lived close to where we'd be. Long story shot, a freeway closing turned a "maybe lunch" into 3 full days of Avery and I staying at her (gorgeous) house! THEN, another gorgeous friend drove hours to visit us and the next day we went just a short way to see one more friend who is on bedrest now with her pregnancy.
It was so healing for me, so easy, so fun, to be around these women. They have become more than just strangers on the internet to me. They are my friends :)
The coolest thing is that 3 of us all lost babies within a month of each other---and all had our next babies within a month of each other! They all just turned one :) They had SO much fun playing together.

Here are Avery and Nora, Bree's daughter (Bree from Baby Butterfly Ella)
Nora, Gigi, and Avery. Gigi is Tina's daughter (Living Without Sophia and Ellie)
Gigi, Nora, Avery
At Rachel's BEAUTIFUL backyard (Three Butterflies and a Monkey)
Bree, Nora, Avery, me, Tina, and Gigi
Nora, Avery, and Gigi in the FABULOUS bikinis Tina brought for all the girls :)
Nora and Avery meeting for the first time :)
Avery & me, Rachel and Monkey, and Bree and Nora

I won!

2011-07-12T10:57:00.004-05:00

I won a giveaway!!!!!!! I feel so lucky. I won a Chase and Emma (hi, Jill!) butterfly with Sophie and Aiden's name on it from Christian's Beach. I'm in love with it!

One year-impossible (rainbow/living child mentioned)

2011-07-06T22:41:00.002-05:00

I just can't believe it-but my little baby rainbow Avery will be one this weekend-7.10.10

I realized that I put tons (really, I overshare) of pics of her on face.book but never really any on here.

So, here she is, my one year old little babe:

Escape

2011-06-21T11:47:00.002-05:00

Every once in a while, I feel at peace. I feel like Aiden and Sophie were a miracle and I've changed so much from having them here and know that I'll see them again someday-and I feel ok.
Sometimes, I wish that I could escape from all of this. Lately I have been desperate to avoid it all-the grief, the knowing, the sadness.
I think I maybe understand why some people ran from me when I lost the babies. Why when something terrible happens, sometimes people flee.
Because right now, I want to. I want to plug my ears and close my eyes and yell
"NANANANANANANANANANANANANA I CAN'T HEAR YOU" like I did when I was a kid and I didn't want to hear what my mom was telling me.
I don't want to admit that babies can die.
I don't want to be the first person that someone tells when it happens to someone they know.
I don't want to be the person people think of when someone they know needs support.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I want to run, run and hide. Pretend it never happened.
I am ashamed to admit that. But sometimes, I want to pretend it never happened. What if Avery was my first born? What if I stop talking about them-my family would get right on board with that-trust me. They are forced to remember them, by me.

I might need a blog break. Maybe there are times when this actually is not good for me? I feel safe here, though. On days like today, when I can't stop crying, and my heart feels like it's busting through my chest and like a 1,ooo pound man is sitting on top of me making it hard for me to breathe, this is where I go. It's my safe place.

But then I check the LFCA, and I read about another loss, and I get so PISSED OFF (sorry for the language, yo, but I will admit I have a potty mouth in real life) and I forget how the anger part of grief can rip through you.

And the stupid "WHY WHY WHY" starts all over again. And really, for being unlucky, I'm pretty damn lucky. So why should I even start this-I should just be happy. Happy that I have Avery. Happy that I have what I have. Greedy for wanting more.

And then I want to run away.

But, of course, we all know that running away doesn't help. Grief knows no boundaries, no limits. It follows you wherever you are, wherever you go.

I wish.

Big sigh.

Summer

2011-06-18T21:30:00.002-05:00

The first summer that I had to live through without Aiden and Sophie was awful. It was weeks out from their loss. We first decided to plan a trip to France, just Brian and me. We've been together before, but always with students. So we contacted our friends, booked the flight, and I threw myself into planning what we'd do while we were there. I had the whole thing planned down to the tiny details.
Around the same time, I decided I wanted to sell our house. I don't know what came over me, but I HAD to sell it. I talked Brian into it. I'm not sure he thought it was the right time at all-but when your wife is sobbing hysterically all day long every day, I think you do whatever she wants. So we contacted a realtor.
I hate thinking of that day. The twins' nursery was still set up. Right before he came, I panicked because I just didn't know what to do about it. So on top of one of the cribs I put the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Hearts" that I had just finished reading. He, of course, didn't notice it and looked at me funny and said, "Are you guys planning on having kids someday, or what?"
Asshat.
Anyway, it was a terrible summer from then on out. My husband worried that the house would sell quickly (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-14 months later, is that quick? LOL) and so we canceled our trip and lost a lot of money. Then we waited. And waited. We had no showings. No phonecalls, nothing.
I think if there was anytime that I was depressed in this whole debacle, it was that summer. People expected me to be "over it" and couldn't understand why I didn't want to hang out. I went out once for the fourth of July, and I will never forget sitting in the dark, sobbing while the Fireworks went off and listening to the children squeal with delight. Sophie and Aiden would never squeal at a firework-that's all I can think.
I know that most people get very reflective around New Year's, because it is the end of the calendar year. For me, it's the end of the school year, since I was a teacher. Right now I am thinking back to last summer-that anticipation of Avery's arrival, the desperation that she arrive safely, the waiting-and then the rest of it a haze of sleep deprivation and snuggles.
This summer is so different. It's just so....different. Having Avery here is like a dream. The littles things make me so happy-walking with her outside, putting her in a kiddy pool-but then later, after she goes to bed, I sit here and I think. I let my mind wander...
And I know I shouldn't.
The wondering is not very good for me.
Sigh.
I just feel like my brain goes round and round. It never seems to end on anything, or when it does, something else comes along and jumbles up my thoughts.
When I get like this, the only thing I can think of to do is come here and blog, but I feel like mostly everything I say isn't making any sense anymore. This is backed up by the low number of comments and new readers, I'd say :) I just am in a weird place.
Summer. When they should have gotten here. When I should have had TWO tiny infants, oh, man, how many times can I think this?
I get so stuck in the should have...could have...
I feel like a broken record.

Silence

2011-06-12T19:04:00.002-05:00

Today, I had to drive back and forth to my mother-in-law's a bunch of times-she lives just a few minutes away and my husband was helping her clean and organize her garage and we kept needing things from our house. Anyway, each time I drove there and back, I noticed an elderly man sitting on his front porch.
He was alone, it a white rocking chair, just sitting. Looking. Thinking.
He must have been out there for at least a few hours. He looked so peaceful.
I guess I don't know if he was, or not, but just watching him, eve n for a second made me envious.
I wasn't envious of his free time, or the fact that he looked peaceful or happy, or that he had a very nice house.
I was envious of the fact that he can be alone with his thoughts.
After all this time, I can't do it. Driving in the car alone is never a good thing for me. Letting my mind wander is just dangerous. If I'm at home and the baby is asleep, I have to be online. I swear, sometimes I sit and I click aimlessly on the internet. I go to face.book and hit refresh, refresh, refresh. I still can't seem to concentrate as well as I need to read a book. I used to be an avid reader, but the books I can read now have to be mindless-flimsy. Not substantial.

This man, as he rocked on his porch, looking out-I wondered what he was thinking about. I wondered if there was someone he was missing.

I hope that I can do that, someday. Be alone again. Be comfortable again. Be comfortable with myself. Trust my thoughts.

Trust silence.

Where I am right now-792 days. Fading.

2011-06-04T16:39:00.005-05:00

The good: most times, the hurt has faded. It is less pointy around the edges. I've healed some-I can see pregnant people, hold a new baby, discuss pregnancy and birth. This is thanks to the amazing blessing in my life-my beautiful daughter. If not for her, I'm confident I would be in the same dark hole about pregnancy that I was in April of 2009.

The bad: the memories of them are fading. The details are starting to get a little fuzzy. I can't quite remember those exact moments in the correct order as I used to when I would lay in bed at night and relive each one instead of sleeping. Sometimes, I could almost pretend that it had never happened.

The middle: Grief. Will it ever go away? I don't think so. It's almost as if it's just lying there, waiting, and will get angry and attack every so often.

I think someone said it really well-life can still be good-but never quite as good as it should be.

STRONG and AMAZING

2011-05-23T19:43:00.003-05:00

Every once in a while, our Angel Care Monitor will go off in the night. The first time it happened, I couldn't have even been awake while I ran down the hallway to the baby's room to check on her. A lot of times, it'll go off because a will be sleeping on her side, leaning up against the side of the crib and the mattress won't recognize her movements.
So, now it seems like it's not as alarming to me when it goes off. I mean, I still move pretty quickly into her room, but in my brain I say "AH! Don't wake the baby up, dumb alarm." This is most often.
But last night, her alarm went off and I looked at the video monitor, and she was laying right in the middle of the mattress and her eyes were open. Why are her eyes open, I thought?
Oh, because she's dead. She died. I knew she'd die. Tonight, she died. I knew it. I knew I couldn't keep her. Look at her eyes. I was literally paralyzed. My husband got up, while I laid there thinking She died. She died.
Then she sat up and started to cry.
And I hate myself.
I truly do hate the way I think. Why am I expecting her to die? Why? What if I somehow allow something bad to happen because I think it will.
If I'm honest, I still have scary thoughts. Sometimes, I'll still come around a corner at the top of my stairs and envision myself dropping the baby accidentally. Or I'll wobble on the stairs as I'm holding her and am terrified that we'll both tumble down. Those happened much more frequently when she was a tiny baby, but it still happens. I worry she'll bump her head, and die. How will I let her be a kid?
She fell the other day. She's pulling herself up now and she let go with one of her hands and hit her mouth on the corner of her play table. Her lip got puffy and fat and there was a little blood and she actually, sadly, chipped a little bit off her front tooth. It's barely noticeable but of course I know it's there.
Lately I've been spending a lot of time feeling sad. And I've been struggling with little things in life that are bogging me down.
I'm having some dental problems. I have to have my second back molar extracted next week and I'm worried about that. When this tooth started to hurt (its one I had a root canal on ten years ago, so I knew instantly I'd lose it) I broke down crying. I kept telling my husband, "I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm so tired of having to be strong and do it."
I mean, hello? It's a tooth. Most people I think would be annoyed with it. I'm in tears, screaming. I'm just so tired of having to be STRONG about things. I'm so tired of being AMAZING when I'm not. I'm tired of having to avoid situations and things and feeling guilty when I'm sad and feeling guilty when I'm not.
The grief cycle for me is on an upswing-I'm not sure if its the time of year, or what. Could I be depressed? Maybe. I'm still functioning, it's just...hard. Sad.
So freaking sad, this whole thing.

Changes

2011-05-08T20:13:00.001-05:00

I don't exactly know how it happened.
I don't exactly know when it happened.
But, you know when something good (or bad) happens, you want to pick up your phone and tell someone right away? Or you want to get online and send an e-mail. Or a text.
Well, slowly...the people that I want to tell right away are not my "normal" friends. They're not the friends that I've had since high school or college, or even the ones I've made at my job here.
It's my friends that I have never even met. It's the friends that e-mail me to check on me. Call me to tell me they're thinking of me.
Some of the people I've met in bloggy land are some of the kindest, most thoughtful people I have ever known. And, I'd go out and say that I don't think it's losing a baby that necessarily made them that way. I mean, I know it humbles you, changes you, changes your perspective on life. But some of the words and support that I have gotten from all of you has changed me.
Then there's the fact that I have so much in common with a lot of you. I mean, Angie, who else can I chat with for hours at a time about early 90s rap music?
And I talk to Jen about reality tv, and Tina about teaching and Courtney about...well, you get the picture. I just genuinely LIKE them as people.
This summer, I am going to meet a bloggy friend in person (Bree from Baby Butterfly Ella-do you know her? She's fabulous). I guess you would consider her my bloggy bestie. :) My husband has a conference for work near where she lives and Avery and I are going to go along for the trip since the hotel is paid for and A flies for free. I'm so excited! Bree and I lost our first children within a month of each other, got pregnant with our rainbows within in a month of each other, and they are just two months apart in age.
So, people lately have asked what I'll do while Brian is at the conference, and so, I started to tell a few people that I was going to meet up with someone. I feel like...I don't know. I feel like I met a boyfriend using match.com and I have to fess up to my family about it! LOL. I don't know why I even worry about it. But the truth is-I feel SUCH a disconnect from my friends here. I still see them, hang out with them. But I don't feel like I can trust them. I don't feel like I can trust them with what I ACTUALLY feel. This grief is so diffrent. The thoughts in my head are so different. It's so amazing to have people that just get it. That I don't have to explain myself, or hold back information. Some of my deepest, darkest things I have been able to say aloud. And instead of judgment, I get a head nodding right along with what I'm saying.
I guess I don't know what the point of this post is, except that today, on Mother's Day in the U.S., I had bunch of people wish me Mother's Day for the first time.
And then I had those that wishing me Happy Mother's Day for the THIRD time. And that means so much to me. And because of that, when something happens to me, I want to pick up the phone and tell the people that are so kind to me. But I feel so sad about the fact that I have ruined the friendships I used to have. I kind of stopped trying a while ago. I'm so much more of a homebody now. And probably that will change-Avery will make friends and join things and we'll be forced out. But for now, she's a great reason to stay home.
This is going round and round and I think you know what I mean, but thank you. Thank you if you've ever commented, thank you for still commenting when I don't have very time to any more :(, thank you for being there for me. For being my friend.
And happy mother's day to all of you-no matter what part of motherhood you find yourself in.

I walk because...

2011-05-02T20:49:00.002-05:00

Here was my speech for the ceremony at the March for Babies. Our team raised over $2,000.

Hi, everyone. I’m Christy and I’m walking today with my team. This is our second time walking together and we’re made up of family and friends and coworkers of mine and of my husband Brian. If I’m really honest, I would tell you that I wish I could say that I walk for the March of Dimes for my twins who are here with me today. I wish that I could tell you that my son, Aiden, and mydaughter, Sophie just turned two a few weeks ago. I wish that I would then have them wave their little toddler hands from the crowd so you could see how amazingly beautiful they are-how far they’ve come from the 1 pound 8 ounces and 1 pound 6 ounces they were when they were born at 23 weeks, 3 days gestation. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you that because they aren’t here. But I can I tell you that I’m here because all babies are miracles. Aiden and Sophie were miracles and even though they aren’t here today to show you that-I walk in their memory so that people will know that, and remember. My family and I are here today walking because on a Sunday night, I rolled over in bed and my water broke. For no reason. I’m here today because I did everything right, and it still happened to me. To us.

I’m here because the March of Dimes gave me the biggest gift I could ask for-they helped make it possible for my daughter, Sophie, to wrap her tiny little hand around my finger from her isolette. They made it possible for me to get photos taken, and handprints made. They helped make it possible for them to stay alive-if only for a day-to give them a fighting chance at life. And although they didn’t get their chance, we walk for the March of Dimes so that they get the money they need to continue their research so that someone else’s twins DO get to come home with them. I dream that someday they may figure out what causes preterm-premature rupture of membranes and maybe even how to fix it. I dream that no one will have to plan a funeral instead of a baby shower. I dream that all women can have healthy, full-term pregnancies.

We walk today in honor of all the babies who have been born too soon, or too sick, whether they are here with us or not. We walk in honor of all of the beautiful women that I have met along this journey. The ones that are battling with high-risk pregnancies and incompetent cervix and the need to take p17 shots. Who stay on bedrest for weeks, even months at a time trying to do anything in their power to give their babies a chance. In honor of the women who fight this battle silently or loudly. We raise money and awareness for those of us who don’t know why it happened to us and for those of us that do know why and need help preventing it from happening again.

We are here because in the crowd we have my beautiful daughter, Avery, who will be 10 months old in a week. She was born full-term-on her due date, actually. We were so lucky and so blessed to have a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy with her-but we never would have even tried if not for the March of Dimes. Thanks to the March of Dimes, I was able to read about stories of survival, the stories I’ve read about of preemies that DID make it. The March of Dimes gave us enough hope to try again. That hope gave us the strength and now we have our daughter.

Thank you all for coming here today, in whatever weather conditions Mother Nature throws our way, to support the March of Dimes and to honor all of our miracles

This week

2011-04-17T19:55:00.004-05:00

On Tuesday night, the day before the twins' birthday, I tried to help myself get a release from my grief. I went through the photos, I made a facebook group for their birthday, I re-read some of my blog posts from the very beginning. I uploaded their footprints for the first time:

The day of, I was numb. I went through the day in a weird state of indifference to everything. I took advice from some of you and went to the computer lab and gave the students a project to do so that it was still worthwhile, but I still didn't have to stand in front of the class and teach.

When I got home from work, my friend Sarah rang the doorbell and had made me this:

My husband then came home from picking up Avery from daycare. He was equipped with french fries for me (how thoughful is that!?) and this from my daycare provider (who has talked a lot with me over the past few weeks):

Then I got this candle in a package from a very good friend of mine:

I also got a beautiful ornament from the beautiful Bree and another ornament from the amazing Tina. I got cards, e-mails, texts.

I felt like they are so loved. I know that this year they are remembered. It makes my heart full.

That night, I went to sleep feeling so-weird. And, for the first time, I had a dream in which my little Sophie and Aiden made an appearance. It was amazing. I have been so jealous of those who have had dreams about their babies. I typically don't see faces in dreams, and this was not any different, but I knew it was them. They were toddlers with blond hair. I knew they looked like Avery. I knew we were all together and it made me so happy. I woke up feeling confused but peaceful.

Then, on Saturday, I had planned a surprise birthday lunch for one of my friends from college. It was a 1.5 hour drive and on the way home, I could feel things building. It's a long story, but I get home, click on the internet and realize that my step-father has de-friended my husband and me from facebook. I called my mom. Screamed at her. Then hung up on her.
Then I sat here and sobbed.
I cried so hard my contacts popped out and I was gagging and I just kept screaming, "I want my babies back. I want my babies back." I know each of you are reading this, nodding along-I know that feeling. I know that feeling of losing control.

I had a total breakdown. Today, my head is still a little fuzzy and my eyes a little puffy.
I really think that my body knew I needed to keep it all in. And then once my responsibilities were over , I had that release that I knew I needed.

Then, I gathered myself, called my mom and apologized. Figured out the Facebook fiasco (seriously sometimes HATE facebook). Went to bed early and slept for 12 hours (thank you, dear husband, for letting me sleep in!). Today, we went to the mall so Avery could meet the Easter bunny. I will leave you with this picture. I'll scroll it down a little in case you're not the in place in your journey to see a LC.

2

2011-04-13T19:28:00.001-05:00

Happy second birthday in Heaven, my sweet, beautiful Aiden and Sophie.
I miss you beyond belief.
I love you beyond words.
Your daddy and sister and I sent a balloon to you today. Hope you got it.
xoxo
Mommy

Struggling to find the words

2011-04-11T17:48:00.002-05:00

I have been trying to blog for a few days now. Trying to type it out. I swear, when things get rough, I normally log on, and type as fast as I can without even thinking about it. I just can't seem to make the words into anything comprehensible, even by writing.
I cried all through my day at school today. I looked at the clock a hundred times.
It was this monday, 2 years ago, that Sophie and Aiden were born. 2 years ago it was on the 13th and Easter was the twelfth. I went into labor Easter night.
I just kept looking, thinking, they were almost born, they were almost born. Sophie was born. Aiden was born.
Right now, two years ago, they wouldn't let me in the NICU to see them because things were so touch and go.

I just can't do anything but that. Recount the events.

The pain is there. I can't avoid it. I look at Avery and I am so beyond thankful for her. She makes every day so much better.

But, but, but, but-

I want them.

I want them here. I want them back.

Proof

2011-04-07T20:14:00.002-05:00

After Avery was born, my dad insisted on meeting her.
I see my father once every year, usually. Sometimes not even that. He lives 3 hours away, but since he and my mother divorced, we don't have a relationship. He has a very big problem with lying and he verbally abused my mother, my sister, and me. I grew up being called names and being screamed at. He never hit us, but I felt scared that he would because of his problems with anger. He pushed me into a closet once when I accidentally let the dog out. Soon after that, he had an affair with one of our neighbors and my mom moved out.
I digress.
Anyway, he wanted to meet her. Insisted. My husband pushed me to do it. So on one of our trips home to visit my mom, we told my dad we would visit him. We made plans to call him when we were an hour away and he would pick up lunch and meet us at his condo. It had been over a year since we'd seen him last.
When we got close, I sent a text and didn't hear back. Then I called and left a message. Figured he went to get lunch. We got to his condo, we rang the bell. I could hear the dog barking, but no one came. Called his cell. No answer. Somehow, I remember his work number (I hadn't called it in YEARS). He answered. Was dumbfounded. Made up some excuse about how he didn't think I was coming since I hadn't called when I got close. Told me sometimes cell phones don't work in his town on Fridays (ahem) and added that he works in a metal building (.....)
We brought in Avery and he was like, oh, she's so cute. Then he SCARFED down his food, asked ot take a picture with her, and then stood there, looking at his watch.
It was as if he wanted a picture with her just to PROVE that he had seen his granddaughter. To show it off to his friends, to make it look like we have a relationship.
I try to do the right thing, to send him pictures of Avery. Instead, every time I send an e-mail, he responds with, "When can I see Avery? We'll drive there" (we as in his current girlfriend).
It drives me crazy. The pressure makes me want to RUN THE OTHER WAY.
We just had a similar situation with my sister-in-law. We have had a terrible relationship with her, mainly because her husband is very controlling (to the extent of abuse) and a few years ago when my father in law died, things got very bad (she refused to come home for the funeral saying that no one wanted her there-she came at the last minute and acted like a psycho and still blames everyone else-it's a loooooooong story). Anyway, her husband is in the navy and they move every 2 or 3 years. I couldn't believe that she didn't want to come home when her father was sick. I despise my father, and I still would take care of him if he got sick (and she was a stay at home mom and her kids were in school, so she could have made it work). Anyway, she never even visited even though she lives about 6 or so hours away and it's been very hard to navigate through my mother-in-laws health and depression issues as the only children.
So, out of the blue, she came to visit for a week, with her jerk of a husband. We weren't off school so I only saw them twice in the week. The first time, I walked into mil's house and I hadn't seen my bil in FIVE years and he didn't even look up from the tv when I walked in. We went to a big family dinner one night where we drove an hour away for dinner, past Avery's bedtime, and she invited her friends from high school to it! BUT, she took pictures, posted them on facebook, and plastered her wall with her "amazing family trip" and wrote "thanks for the memories" on my husband's.
Um....what memories?
Do you remember sitting in the same restaurant and not talking to us?
But, she has the pictures. The "proof." To the external eye, it was a great, wonderful, family trip.
So much of my life is fake.
So much of what people look on and see is not real.
So much of what we do every day, surviving, seems so much easier to other people than it really is.
Sometimes it feels like so much of it is a big lie.
But, of course, there is the opposite. So much of my life is REAL-the amazing love that I feel for my family and friends that care for me. That actually support me. The passion I feel for the students I teach. It's so real I could reach out and touch it, almost.
Life is full of surprises.
I wonder, sometimes, if I would know all this, if I would understand how rich and important life and love is, if I hadn't lost the twins. I would trade it all to have them back.
I miss them.
6 days and it will be TWO YEARS.
Where have those two years gone?

One Day

2011-03-28T19:52:00.002-05:00

April 13th.
Their birthday.
The one day a year that I somehow feel ok with letting myself completely be vulnerable. For picking off that scab and letting the pain flow freely and over me.
The one day that through that pain I can see the little specks of light. The sunshine peeking through. The thought that I am so grateful that they were ever here. That they have shown me love beyond means. Love beyond my wildest dreams. Emotions that I could not have ever imagined.
Last night, it was 2 years since my water broke. I laid down in my bed to go to sleep on a Sunday night. I couldn't get comfortable. I flopped over onto my right side and heard and felt a pop. My life instantly felt over. I glanced at the clock as I left the room to go to the hospital. 9:40 p.m.
Last night at 9:40 I sat in a chair, numb, starting at the clock.
Today I found out that since I used up all my days taking care of Avery after she was born, in order for me to miss work on the 13th, it will cost $246.57.
The cost of me being able to grieve.
Will mean we wouldn't be able to pay our bills.
And so my heart is killing me because I know that the right thing to do would be to go to work.
How in the world will I do this?

I need advice. Have any of you chosen or been forced to go to work? I'm sure you have. What did you do to make it through? How do I stand in front of 180 middle schoolers throughout the day without breaking down?

Support Needed

2011-03-19T13:56:00.002-05:00

Hi friends,

If you have a moment, please go here and leave some love and tell her a story:

http://herewegoajen.com/

I just discovered this blog and she found out at 16 weeks along that her baby had died a week ago :( She is in the hospital going through the induction process, which is stalled and taking forever.

It's so horrible I could throw up. I just can't believe it each and every time this happens.

Please go spread your love.

Tempting Fate

2011-03-15T19:50:00.002-05:00

I have a very heavy heart tonight.

A lot of us have pets, right? And a lot of those pet owners feel very strong connections to their pets.

In my case, we got our little doggie, Louis (pronounced the French way, like Louis XIV, which is his full name) one week after we got married. He's as old as we are married :)

Anyway, we spoiled him rotten. He went everywhere with us, slept in our bed, everything. He's called "granddog" to my parents.

Before we had Avery, we were very worried that he wouldn't get along with her. That he'd be jealous.

And he is. He mopes and is depressed and whines and is just very unhappy. He is a completely different dog than before. He doesn't want to play. He watches us play with Avery and if we can't drop what we are doing instantly to play with him, he gets mad, runs off and gets into something (pees, eats paper, etc.)

So we searched, and we found a very nice family willing to adopt him. We made the decision a week ago, but he leaves tomorrow, and I can't even look at him. I feel so unbelievably guilty.

There are two things pulling at me right now:

1) I feel like he is dying, even though he is not

2) I feel like by giving him away, we are expecting Avery to live, thus tempting the universe to show us who is boss

I can't stop crying.
After all of this, I just can't be good at saying good-bye.

I will miss you, baby bumblebee Louis.

This time of year

2011-03-08T16:51:00.002-06:00

Nan, Bree, Tiffany, Rachel, Holly, Tina-so many more-this time of year we are missing so many babies.
There are so many children that should be here that aren't. It's every time of year, though.
It's always.
We are always missing them.

My friend had her twins. Peyton and Parker. They came early, but at 36 weeks they had no NICU time and are already home. I only know they are home because of a mutual friend. I'm too afraid to ask about the birth story. I'm too afraid to ask how it's going.

I'm afraid to know. I'm afraid to know that they're not getting any sleep. That breastfeeding two babies is incredibly hard. That they are going through SO many diapers and washing seventeen loads of laundry a day.

I am really struggling with this, but it's just there, just at the brim-I haven't been able to let it out yet. I haven't been able to really let this wash over me and let me truly accept.

Avery has a cold. When she has the sniffles, I panic. I swear I've read stories about SIDS where they start with a virus.

I wonder when, if ever, I will put Avery to sleep and not immediately start to worry that she will never wake up.

All of this has nothing to do with the other and everything to do with the other.

I'm lost. Wandering through a fog. Stressed. Sad.

Happy. So incredibly blessed.

Same old, Christy. Same old.

Memories

2011-02-27T20:17:00.003-06:00

There are just certain events that stand out in my mind.
I've been able to mostly stop the replaying of the entire 2 weeks between the moment when my water broke and the moments that we held them when I lay down at night. My therapist told me all this tricks to continue to tell myself "It is over. It is done. It is in the past. I will think of these events only when I want and have time."
There was a part, too, about how I should mentally put the memories into like a chest or something at the bottom of the ocean, but I could never actually wrap my mind around it.
Sometimes the really bad memories hit me like a flash (punch in the stomach) and I don't know when they'll come and it's bad, but it's usually momentary.

Lately, the "good" memories are hurting worse than the bad.

I keep flashing to my husband and me. Sitting in a sandwich shop. We had just had our very first ultrasound where we were told it was twins.

I don't know if I'll ever see my husband that happy again. That truly, truly happy. I won't forget the phone calls we made-the SCREAMS of delight we heard over the phone-the tears of gratefulness. The happiness we gave our families.

I can't remember what I was wearing. I can't remember specifics like that, but I just remember the happiness.

I also keep thinking about the day we had our 20 week scan. I almost threw up in the waiting room I was so nervous something was wrong. After we had a perfect scan, after we found out we had a boy and a girl waiting to meet us, we decided, on a whim, to go and buy a mini-van. We spent the rest of the day at the car dealership, then drove all the way to Brian's mom's house to show her-we were SO DARN proud of that stupid van.

I hate driving that van.

Sometimes I really think the happy stories hurt me just as much as the horrifying ones. Sometimes I hate that these memories creep up on me. It's weird because Avery's pregnancy was more recent and I don't remember a lot about it at all-just the crippling fear.

Our brains try so hard to protect us. It doesn't always work.

STRESS

2011-02-22T13:09:00.002-06:00

It's almost March. My profession is in the middle of a freefall (I'm from Wisconsin, yo). My husband and I stand to take a paycut of around $1,000 a MONTH together very soon. The stress is getting to me. I'm trying to do all the things that I know: take baths, read, walk, talk to my husband, etc. I used to tell people those things all the time-but I didn't have a 7 month old then. It's so different.
I'm afraid we won't be able to afford to have another child.
I'm afraid we won't be able to find the second jobs we'll now need to pay the mortgage.
I'm sad. I miss Sophie and Aiden.
I can't even bring myself lately to read blogs, which is ALWAYS my safety net.
I guess I just need a break. Not really sure.
Just wanting to give an update and let you know I'm still here and I'm always thinking of you.

xoxo

If it were anyone else...

2011-02-13T09:34:00.002-06:00

When Aiden and Sophie died, she...

*called
*emailed
*sent flowers
*brought me a plaque with their name on it and a necklace
*bought me jewelry with their name on it
*made me leave the house
* sat with me in the house
*asked questions
*cried with me
*looked at their pictures and told me they were beautiful
*said to me, "I'm sorry. This sucks."
*asked if a conversation was hurting me so she could stop if it was
*raised over $300 for the walk and walked with me in the cold and rain
*called on their birthday
*asks about them TODAY and by name
*so, so much more

If it were anyone else, the second I heard "Twins" and "boy and a girl" I would have been GONE. I would've never spoken to her again. I would've run away.

But I couldn't. I wanted to---

So I went, and had coffee with her. I brought A, to help.

It was good. She cried first and just said she wished there was anything she could do to not hurt me. Then, we talked about everything else-our jobs, our husbands, TV, all the stuff we normally would. And it felt good. And I had missed her.

And I said, "I don't want you to hold back your happiness. I am happy for you"

And do you know what she said, you guys?

Seriously-if everyone we know could just GET this-

"Honey, I am happy. But I can have a MILLION moments of happiness, and there are plenty of people to talk to about twins and how amazing it is-but I don't need that happiness RIGHT now. I can get it other times. I can talk about it whenever. And with people who it won't hurt."

I mean, how lucky am I?

Those of us going through infertility, loss, all of that. There's that attitude out there-don't expect other people to stifle their happiness with their pregnancy. Don't expect them to not talk about it with you-you are the bad guy if you can't handle it.

But doesn't her thought make so much sense? She can get that anywhere else, all day long.

Why her? Why her? Why her?

I guess I won't know. But if it were anyone BUT her-I'd be long gone.

Thanks for your well wishes-I did it, and I'm so glad I did, and I know that was FAR from the hardest thing to come(I told her I can't come to the hospital-she understood-and I told her I need to see them the first time with no one else so that I can cry-and she said she'd be crying with me).

Thank goodness for great friends. :)

Scared

2011-02-09T20:21:00.001-06:00

So, I don't know if you remember, but in October I found out my best friend from grad school is having boy/girl twins.
I had a huge breakdown.
I haven't seen her since, we've just been e-mailing.
So, I've been kinda putting it off, but now we have plans, for Saturday.
I'm scared.
I'm sad.
I don't know what I am.
I need strength.
I need something.
She's already almost 34 weeks along.
I just need strength. I feel so beaten down lately.

Heaviness

2011-02-05T20:30:00.002-06:00

The calendar has turned to February. It's almost as if as I turned the page (figuratively, I guess, because my calendar is online now), I could feel the heaviness pushing down.
Two years.
Their two year birthday isn't until April, but March was the beginning of the end. My memories are in pieces, but mid-March I think I lost my mucus plug without really knowing. March 29th-the night my water broke and my life fell into shambles.
I just can't believe that it's only been 2 years and I can't believe that it's already 2 years.

I look around and I see people doing amazing things in memory of their babies. I just can't seem to get it together. I want to run away; to hide. I want to pull the blankets over my head. I am in the middle of planning a March of Dimes walk and there are mornings when I want to cancel the whole thing. I want to sulk and cry and mope and whine.

I wish I was different. I wish I was better. I wish I could do something amazing in Sophie and Aiden's honor.

But I feel so heavy. I feel so much weight on my shoulders. I feel sad. I feel like I need to stay happy for Avery. I've had trouble the last few nights as I snuggle her before bedtime. The tears just start rolling and I can't stop them.

I wish I could blink and have it all be over with!

Mortality

2011-01-30T13:55:00.002-06:00

Right after the twins died, I thought I would be ok with dying. I wasn't suicidal; I just thought-I guess if I die now, at least I'll get to be with them. It seemed like I wasn't afraid to die anymore.

I found out last night that it's not true. I mean, of course, I wish they could be here with me and of course I know that once I die I will be reunited with them. But, I want to be here.

My mom came yesterday to spend the day with Avery so we could have a little time to ourselves. We went out for a relaxing lunch, went grocery shopping, and hung out with my mom. When the evening was over, I had to drive my mom to a town about 40 miles away so her husband could pick her up.

We had one of the best mother/daughter talks we've ever had during that time. We talked about the twins, about Mary (my sister who was stillborn), about funerals and how we want to be buried. We talked about guardianship of Avery and wills and living wills. We talked about my (estranged) father and just life in general.

After I dropped her off, I got back on the interstate to head home. It was snowing lightly and raining a little. My cell phone rang and I picked it up only to tell my husband that I was on my way home. As I was driving along, I told him I had to go since I don't like driving and talking and right when I said that, all of the cars in front of me were suddenly braking. All I could see was brake lights. I don't remember all of it, but I hit my brakes, and the anti-lock brakes kicked in, and my car went out of control. I realized there was ice on the road. I wavered a little, tried to pump the brakes, and then started to spin. I spun around completely twice, then went into the ditch. Pretty far, around 20 feet, into the snow.

My poor husband could hear it all happen. He could hear the tires squealing. He could hear me screaming.

You might think this is dramatic, but as the car was spinning, I thought I was going to die. I wondered if I had said I love you to Avery before I left. I was thankful I recorded her a storybook for Christmas so she could have a sample of my voice.

I don't want to die.

It ended up that I just needed pulled out by a wrecker, and the van is ok, and I am ok. The dog was with me, and he is ok. Brian is shaken up because he, too, thought I was going to die. He tells me that he wanted to hang up because he didn't want to listen, but he couldn't hang up because...well, you just can't.

As if I needed a reminder that life hangs by a thread-that one single moment can change the entire course of your life.

But I got another one.

Days

2011-01-28T17:44:00.002-06:00

There are days, when, I can think that I'm ok.
That I'm maybe, even (shhhhh!) better than ok.

That I'm good.

That we continue to move forward and look forward and spend less than thinking back.

Ya know, to then.

Then there are days when I scream "BUT MY BABIES DIED!!!!!!!!!!!"

I might be sitting in a meeting or in the middle of teaching a class and I'll think "I'm here today, but I shouldn't be, because you see-Aiden and Sophie are dead. And they are not EVER coming back. Ever."

Sometimes, just that phrase, "Dead babies" will go through my head.

When things start to go "bad" (and I use this term lightly, because I know what bad really is, but you know-when you have a bad week or something) I feel like it brings my grief back into the forefront.

Well, I hit a car in the parking lot. But, my babies died (so it's worse).
I had strep throat so bad that I was throwing up the first day of a brand new semester. And Aiden and Sophie are dead (so it's worse).

I just wonder if this will ever change.

When I checked my blogs just before writing this, I felt an alarming feeling. I hadn't thought of Aiden and Sophie today. I mean, I had. Because I got an e-mail about the March of Dimes walk, and the secretary at school reminded me that her son is having twins, so I had thought of them. But not exclusively. I, for the first time, hadn't taken the time today to sit down and just let my mind wash over them. Their memory. Sophie's hand curling around my finger.

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll stop remembering.

I'm scared that my life now is going to take them further away from me.

But then, they're already so far away, aren't they?

A new look and asteroid b-612

2011-01-16T18:05:00.002-06:00

So, how fabulous is Franchesca from Small Bird Studio? I absolutely, positively love my new blog look. I've been wanting a bloggy makeover for so long, and so my husband gave me one for Christmas :) I couldn't wait for her to open the wait list! If you have been wanting something new-please go check her out.

I am feeling lately like I'm completely drowning. Having B and I both back to work is just so hard-and I feel like I'm failing at everything now. I'm not as good of a teacher, I'm not as good of a mom, and not as good as a wife. I'm like seriously obsessive about the cleanliness/non-clutter of my house and when I don't have enough time to devote to it, my stress level sky rockets.

I'm feeling so out of it and so over-sensitive. After losing the twins, I'm just so darn emotional and I was emotional even before all of it. I take everything so personally (and this is not great when you work with sassy middle schoolers) and I'm annoyed with my family, specifically my in-laws, who are some of the more selfish people I've met in my life.

Avery had this horrible stomach virus last weekend-she had awful, awful diarrhea. I know I've read this on other blogs, but the second anything is even a little off about her, I am convinced it's some sort of horrible illness. If she doesn't take her normal bottle, I think she may die of sids. I read too many blogs. Too many stories on faces of loss. I need to stay positive and know in my heart that she is fine. That she's healthy. That she was born full term. That she's beautiful and thriving and meeting all her milestones.

But so was the case with so many of our beautiful lost babies.

Life is so tender. It can be ripped from us in a minute.

And because I think about all of this, I'm not sleeping well. When I can sleep, with Avery teething, and getting 6 month shots and all the rest.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this. I guess I'm just saying when things get like this I want to run away-today's destination is Asteroid b-612 (anyone a little prince fan out there?).

Twenty-one

2011-01-13T20:17:00.002-06:00

I glanced at the calendar today. The 13th.
Tonight, as I rocked my beautiful daughter to sleep, I closed my eyes and let my mind wander back.

21 months ago, at this hour, I had just said good-bye to my first-born. I may even have still been in the middle of it-in the NICU, with the dividers up, with all the nurses lined around the sides while my husband's hand rested on my shoulder and I sobbed, screaming, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry" to my daughter, who was dying.

21 months ago, I would go back to my hospital room, bleeding, focusing renewed hope on my son, who would make it through the night only to be greeted with his mother agreeing to take off life support so he could be free to escape this Earth and be at peace.

Twenty-One. Unbelievable.

Year in Review

2010-12-30T21:06:00.002-06:00

Oh, 2010. I don't even know how I feel about you. Of course, I love you because you brought me my beautiful Rainbow and all of the hope and happiness that has come along with her. But you brought me further from my gorgeous twins, and a lot of interesting challenges along with that.

When I look at last years year in review, I'm thinking that it is going to look a LOT different. My life is a lot different. From an outsider's perspective, it looks pretty darn good. And it is. But it is still complicated, and twisty. Dark yet light.

Well, enough. Here we go.

January: I was in the second trimester of my pregnancy. I started seeing a psychologist again as the ptsd kicked into overdrive approaching the different milestones in my pregnancy.

February: Had our anatomy scan to find that we were having a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I was terrified beyond belief, yet not very relieved after the scan. I had a perfect scan with the twins, too.

March: Found out we sold our house!!!!! Passed the 21 wks 3 days milestone (when my water broke). Immediately started looking for a house to buy. Passed the year mark of when my water broke (march 29th)

April: Passed the 23wks3 days milestone (when the twins were born). Had a French teacher come to stay with us, along with 15 French students in our school district. Raised over $2,000 for the March of Dimes and walked 6 miles (me in a wheelchair since I was too nervous to walk!). Celebrated (mourned) Sophie and Aiden's first birthday in Heaven. Moved into our new house.

May: Finished up a challenging school year. Got situated in the house. Finally began buying things for the baby and working on a nursery.

June: Spent waiting in anticipation. Walked miles each day trying to start labor. Visited garage sales. Tried to stay calm.

July: Avery is born!

August: Learn to care for miss Avery.

September: Hubby is back to work.

October, November, December: Struggle to get through the holidays without Sophie and Aiden, but also enjoyed Avery's firsts. I went back to work in November and hubby took the month of December off. We visited friends and family.

I have such a hard time putting into words what this year has been like. In certain ways, I can't even remember parts of it. Other parts are crystal clear. So much of it was unlike anything I ever dreamed of. Motherhood (to a living child) is not lost on me-I am SO grateful. So often I find myself crying at the prospect of the most simple things. I still most times cannot even believe that Avery is here, safe, and that she's mine. I often have to pinch myself. I am so grateful.

And then sometimes I'm still so bitter and full of resentment. I wonder why my babies had to leave; why I had to be the one to experience this.

I've met so many friends through this blog. A few of whom I would consider my best friends (don't know if that's creepy or not, but it's true). A few who I feel such a bond with.

My life is full of so much good and still so much sadness. I don't anticipate this changing in the next year.

Or ever, really.

Be safe ringing in this New Year. Wishing you all a peaceful and happy 2011. :)

Tantrum

2010-12-28T20:37:00.002-06:00

I am throwing a fit.
I want to lay down and scream.
Kick my feet. Cry. Yell.
My face is red from tears.

I feel like I'm back in this horrible place again. I feel like it's early days-the days when I had just said good-bye to the twins.

I am so mad.
I want to fight. I want to come at someone, and yell at them. Yell at them until they understand.

I thought I was over the comment B's grandma made.

But. You see-B has a cousin, D. D was born at 24 weeks in 1984. And he is alive, and well, and with some minor delays in learning and some social aspects, he is an all around healthy young man.

So I want to say to her-that my "bad seed" could very well be her friggin' grandson.

I want to call certain members of hubby's family and ream them out. I want to yell at them and make them understand. I want them to understand how much they hurt my husband, and in turn, me. I want to make them apologize and make them take back every hurtful thing. I want to change them into exactly who I want them to be.

I want to tell my piece of junk father that he is a piece of junk and I don't want to waste my time having a superficial relationship with him.

I want to RIP up the Christmas letter I got from my friend who is pregnant with the twins. I want the pictures of baby A and baby B to be MY baby A and B. I want to go in reverse, and I'm still pregnant with the twins and they are just fine.

I am yelling. I am screaming. I am crying.

Because none of this can be done. And I am selfish. And I should just be happy with what I have.

I want. I want. I want.

I scream. I throw a fit. I tantrum.

I want people to understand how bad this hurts. That it's not something you "get over."

I want to MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND.

I am just seriously having a rough time. This Christmas feels so much worse than last. That may be because I pretty much don't remember anything about last Christmas. I just feel like it's more real.

I am so MAD at this world. I'm mad because our babies died. I'm mad because people get treated like crap.

Ugh. I'm sorry this post is so angry. I just needed to get it out. My grief cycles are coming back to anger more and more and I'm running out of techniques to deal with it. I'm feeling a little helpless and trying to stay strong for Avery so she doesn't have a psycho mother. I'm honestly usually very ok, but sometimes I just need a good, long vent.

Thanks for reading if you made it through--and I hope your holidays are peaceful and not quite as angry-making as mine!!

Christmas 2010

2010-12-25T16:24:00.003-06:00

I am so blessed. Despite being told at Christmas dinner that I needed to "get over it" because a miscarriage is just a "bad seed," I recovered and reminded myself how lucky I am (hence the post that might have shown up in your reader and then disappeared) and tried not to let it ruin my time.

I hope your holiday was peaceful. You were all on my mind. We are at my mom's relaxing-A is taking a nice, long nap and we are relaxing in front of a fire. xoxo

Permanent Damage

2010-12-20T19:42:00.002-06:00

Seriously, I feel insane right now.
You won't believe what I did this morning.
Well, you might. I'm not sure if this is just crazy Christy, or a baby loss thing, or an IF thing.
Anyway, this morning, I took a pregnancy test.

Scraaaaaaaattttttcccccccchhhhhhh.

You all screech to a halt, right? What in the world?

Are we trying to get pregnant? Not at ALL. In fact, with sleep deprivation and going back to work, let's say it's been a while, since *ahem* AND we are on birth control. OH, AND-don't forget-I have to take a pill to ovulate.

Oh, and since I've been taking birth control, I've been having regular periods.

But then, I think I feel flutters in my tummy.

What if I missed it? What if those are kicks? What if I'm like one of those girls on "I didn't know I was pregnant"? What if the bleeding hasn't been periods and I'm just bleeding and I'm like 16 weeks pregnant and I've been drinking SO much caffeine and taking antibiotics and not taking any folic acid. I did have some breakthrough bleeding a few months ago.

But, duh, I'm not feeling flutters. It's gas.

But what if it's flutters? What if I missed something? What if it's a miracle, and I'm one of those people that got pregnant on birth control and didn't know it?

But seriously-I'm not pregnant.

So I go to bed. And I'm awake off and on all night and I think I feel weird things and am I gaining weight? and I dream that I'm pregnant and it's actually twins and with bedrest this time they'll make it. I'll have my twins.

I'll join mothers of multiples. I'll go to the big consignment sale because I'll need extra stuff.

So this morning I wake up, and I dig around in the cabinet, because I know there's got to be a leftover pregnant test in there somewhere.

But, seriously-there is NO WAY you are pregnant. You are crazy.

But if I just take the test, then I'll know for sure and know that I'm not doing anything that would hurt the "babies."

So, I do.

And I swear-my heart POUNDS as I watch the little timer flip on the digital test. And then, minutes later, it pops up NOT PREGNANT (DUH). Then I have to hide it. Put it in the package. Wrap it in toilet paper. Put it in the bathroom garbage. Take bathroom garbage downstairs and put in big garbage. Take that whole bag out.

This is ridiculous.

I am RIDICULOUS.

It's something permanent inside me, I think. Expecting the disappointment. Always wondering if maybe a little miracle will happen and I won't have to try. Perhaps even expecting immaculate conception, I mean, really? REALLY? Shouldn't I just be happy with Avery right now? Shouldn't I just be glad I don't have to worry about ttc right now? Shouldn't I be focusing on her?

I feel so sad. And crazy. And I look at Avery and there is a little shadow around her, next to her.

I look and want to see her brother.

Only she's not Sophie, she's Avery.

Man. Oh, man. This is what I call permanent damage.

I care.

2010-12-16T20:40:00.004-06:00

I started A's bedtime routine like normal tonight. I took her upstairs and put on her nighttime diaper, her lotion, and her pjs. Washed her face and hands and set her on the floor to practice her sitting (she's getting so good!) while I picked out a book for us to read. I spent all of last spring visiting rummage sales so she'd have a good library! So I see one called "Bedtime for Little Bears." I just grabbed it from reading the title on the spine. When I looked at the cover, I shivered a little because I knew right away that it was a book that was given to us for the twins. I remember exactly when I got it. A co-worker/friend came over because she wanted to give us a present and to see the nursery. We went up and I was SO proud and excited-I showed her the clothes I had picked out. We had the furniture set up (this was Weds and my water broke on Sunday) and so we each sat in a glider staring at the beautiful (and just painted) nursery:

At any rate, the book took me back. But I was ok. I held it in. Then I opened the book. She had written in it.

"*2009* You were always wanted and always loved."

Seriously. That is what it said.

So I opened it and started reading. As I flipped the pages, a card fell out. Apparently I had just placed it inside the book after reading it. It was a baby card and where it said "Ten fingers" and "Ten toes" she had crossed it out and made it "Twenty fingers" and "Twenty toes."

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop myself. Brian wasn't home to help. And I just sat there, with A on my lap giggling as the puppy walked by, sobbing uncontrollably.

These moments, they get you from nowhere. This horrible longing for what you didn't have, what you never really had at all, it seems, and what is NEVER going to come back.

There are triplets at my middle school. I didn't know. Today was their birthday. I thought of my sweet friends, Nan, and Kerry, and Rachel, and wishing it was THEIR triplets at my school.

I clicked onto Yahoo and there was the headline-Mariah Carey is preggo with twins!

My friend who is pregnant with boy/girl twins wrote to have dinner. I can't do it.

A good friend who lost twins-her sister since then has had TWO sets of twins (seriously)-and she has to meet them for the first time on Monday.

Another bloggy friend who lost twins just found out her close friend is having twins.

Friends are without jobs, without their parents, without their siblings.

It's the holidays. I think of my bloggy friends who have yet to have their rainbows, or ones who tragically and horribly are without their rainbows as well.

I'm thinking of you. I'm sending ALL my love to you. I'm pouring my positive thoughts into the universe to send them to you.

Please know that I care.

Moments

2010-12-11T20:09:00.002-06:00

We are having a blizzard. A full on, over a foot of snow, blowing, Interstate closed, hunker down and hope you don't need to go anywhere kind of blizzard.

I just went upstairs to put the baby to bed, and since it was so dark I hadn't drawn the shade in her room. I swaddled her and sat in the rocking chair and as she fell asleep, I looked outside at the winter wonderland swirling around out there (movie moment, yo). Tears fell slowly, but it was a different kind of tears than I've been shedding recently. They were tears of gratefulness-for Avery, for Sophie, for Aiden.

In just two short weeks back at work, my stress level is right back up to super high. Middle schoolers-seriously. I love them, but man, it almost seems like each year they care less or perhaps I just have less patience :) At any rate, when I get super stressed out, I clean. When I get depressed, I clean. I am the opposite of a hoarder. Going through a closet or a drawer and filling up bags of garbage or bags for charity gives me a rush. So, today, I asked Brian to hang out with Avery for a few hours so I could give the house a good cleaning. It didn't need to be cleaned-I had a party Friday night and had cleaned for that. But it seemed this morning like every cupboard or drawer I opened was giving me a mood! So I just attacked. I filled bag after bag-rummage sale, garbage, Goodwill.

By the time I made it upstairs I was running out of steam. I needed to soak my stupid feet (never in my life had an ingrown toenail, but one too-tight pair of Nikes and one week at work later, I've been to the podiatrist twice and had two mini toe surgery-like procedures :( ) and so I just decided to dust and clean the bathroom and then I'd soak and take a shower. Well, when I dust, I have to dust the memory box for the twins.

Most of the time I don't open it. I have to be in a really good place to look through or have a specific reason for going in. But today I decided to open it. I've been in a pretty bad place lately-I find myself crying a lot-almost everytime I'm alone. I just needed a release. So I sat down on the floor and I went through every last thing in the box. I've decided I need to do something for myself in memory of the babies, because it's been too long. I've always coveted the necklaces I've seen other bloggy mommies get, the kind where you can get a mini copy of the baby's footprints on. Have you seen them? I'm not sure exactly where to get one, but I kept their footprint cards out and will scan them in. I feel so bad because I also really want to get a drawing done of the only picture I have of them together, but it's kind of expensive and it always seems like other stuff comes first in the budget. My being off work was kind of bad money wise for us, and I couldn't seem to get my shopping (ahem, Target) under control. I also really, really want to have Fran at Small Bird Studio do a bloggy makeover for me. So, anyway, after Christmas I'm going to see what I can afford. I asked hubby to start a little savings account for me for memory stuff so I can have some things to look forward to. I like having a goal!

While going through the pictures, I let myself really, really look at them. I am so shocked by how much they and Avery look alike. It makes me feel so proud and so happy. They were just SO beautiful. Seriously. I know that it's hard sometimes to look past the skin color and bruises and all the rest, but once you can, they are just gorgeous.

Damn, I wish they were here. I really, really wish they were here.

Do you Shutterfly?

2010-12-07T17:53:00.005-06:00

So, we finally took our family Christmas photo. It took forEVER. Picture this:
Brian, me, a squirmy Avery, our dog, Louis, who doesn't listen ever, two teddy bears honoring the twins, and a camera with a timer that we have never used before.

I wish I could show you all the random ones along the way to the picture we finally chose!

So after we got the picture done I decided I was going to use Shutterfly to make the cards. I just ordered a super cool photo book from them, too-I love Shutterfly. It's so cheap, and easy, and I love how they deliver right to your house instead of visiting the store with the nasty germ covered photo machines and having to go out in the cold, snowy weather to pick them up!

The other reason I love them is because they just have more choices. My sister married into a family that is Jewish, so I like to send cards with "Happy Holidays" or ones that even say Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Kwanzaa, etc. So I get more options with shutterfly as well.

I went in and designed my card. Here is a picture I did not use, but it's close to the original (I had the wrong one in here before! hehe):

And I think I'll include A's first visit with Santa:

Shutterfly has all sorts of cool stuff. You should check 'em out. Just sayin.

Here are some links for easy navigating:

· desk calendars: http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/desk-calendars

· photo cards: http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery

· Christmas gifts: http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts

· Birthday cards:http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/birthday-cards-stationery

Happy creating!

Tears

2010-12-05T17:02:00.002-06:00

This week I went back to work. I teach in a middle school. It's a pretty stressful, hectic job. I had been gone for 6 months, since I had the summer off and then 12 weeks of maternity leave with A.
I dreaded the day for so long.

And, seriously, that place has memories. There is a bathroom I can't use-it's where I lost my mucous plug. I have so many painful memories there-and even the happy ones seem to cause me pain. I think of sitting in the teachers lounge having everyone tease me and ask me questions about having TWINS!

The ladies I was pregnant with (there are NINE!) are now starting to get pregnant again. Ya know, to have their babies exactly two years apart (not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just so jealous!). The office secretary chose my first day back to tell me her son in pregnant with twins.

But it's more than that. It's the holidays. It's just missing them. It's NOT KNOWING THEM. It's the fact that I want to throw a screaming fit where I lay down and stomp my feet and scream and cry and throw things. It's the fact that I have a stocking with their names on it. And they have triple the ornaments on the tree that Avery does. And we took our holiday picture today with two teddy bears instead of two fricking 20 month olds. It's the fact that they are NOT HERE and everyone thinks I'm ok because I have Avery.

And then there are the tears of happiness. Of gratitude. The moments where I'm pinching myself, trying to figure out if this is actually real-that my beautiful daughter is with me and we are going to celebrate her first Christmas.

I had a meltdown at Thanksgiving. Hubby's uncle sits down to dinner, and-no lie-his opener for conversation goes like this:

"So, M (his daughter) loves to baby-sit. She baby-sits all the time. She baby-sits for some twin babies now. There are so many twins being born nowadays, can you believe that? She loves those twins. They are so cute."

Brian: "Not a good subject, M."

Like in the movies, all 14 mouths stop moving, forks clink to the plates. I cry and excuse myself.

What the HECK? Seriously? That's what you're going to try to talk to me about? Although, it was his wife who, while I laid on bedrest before the twins were born, said to me, "Don't worry about it. There will be other pregnancies."

I know this is coming off as bitter, but I think I've been holding it in for a little too long. I am MAD. I am so ANGRY they are not here. That I have this spot in my heart that is so, so empty.

And I am not alright.

And Avery makes my world SUCH a better place-but she can't bring them back.

And that is all. They are not coming back. Never, ever. And sometimes I just.can't.handle.that.

You

2010-11-24T22:11:00.003-06:00

I have SO much to be thankful for.
Seriously-I am one lucky, lucky person. I'm sitting here, in my warm, beautiful house with my husband who, in my opinion, happens to be the best husband on this Earth (at least for me!), I'm looking at the baby monitor while A sleeps peacefully. I'm full of yummy food. Tomorrow we are packing up to go to B's aunt's house, and then heading to a hotel with a waterpark with my sister and my nephew.
On Monday I go back to my job-a job that I enjoy, that I am good at, that pays me enough to keep my house and my car and buy cute, fun things for A for Christmas.
I have the best mom a person could ever, ever have.

And I sit here, crying.

Because I miss them. Because holidays bring that grief right back-it hardens the edges at first and then soon I am a mess.

I know that people are sad when they have to go back to work after maternity leave. But it is different for me, and I am slowly realizing that what's going on is I always feel like it's going to be the time when I have to say good bye to Avery. I'm still waiting for that other shoe to drop. I'm still just not sure that this happiness is mine. I'm more depressed about it than I should be and I feel guilty and selfish.

Why, when I tell myself over and over that I need to just be happy and thankful for what I DO have, do I still let myself wallow?

Because-no matter what great things happen to me from now on, it doesn't change the fact that Sophie and Aiden are dead. That I will carry this with me forever.

And I am so thankful for them and for everything that I have-I'm so happy. I feel warm and fuzzy.

And yet I feel incomplete.

All of you out there-I have a hunch you know what I mean. So full, but so empty. So happy, but so sad.

And maybe some of you don't have a whole lot to be happy about right now-and I am so sorry. Sometimes these holidays remind us of everything that we are missing.

At any rate, I want you all to know that I'm so thankful for all of you. Thank you for supporting me. For listening, and commenting, and understanding. For reading my journey even when it's hard for you-or makes you feel sad.

Thank you.

Update

2010-11-19T08:33:00.001-06:00

HE PASSED!!!!!!!!!
I am so thankful. So relieved that it's over.
Thank you all for the support :)

Positive Thoughts?

2010-11-17T18:17:00.003-06:00

Ok, now I know I really have no right to ask this of all of you...

but:

Do you remember last year, how upset I was that B got back some scores from a test and he had missed by 4 or 6 points???

Well, anyway, he did. And I was devastated. It was his second try at something that is very hard and has no clearcut way to pass and they don't give you any feedback as to why you didn't, except the score.

It broke my heart to see so much more disappointment-one more thing that didn't go his way. And while it didn't compare to, say, his dad dying or the twins dying, it just added on top of all that grief.

So this year, I helped him as much as I could. We contacted teachers from all over the US in his content area that had passed, we ran his lesson ideas past all different teachers, we videotaped 3 different days.

Ok, so he finds out his scores on Friday morning.

If you could, could you send up the number "275" to the universe and hope for a positive outcome!?! I would SO appreciate it :)

Thinking of you all xo

Reminders

2010-11-15T18:34:00.003-06:00

So, we went to visit my mom this weekend.
At one point she left to the store to get something, and she was excited when she got back because she had brought B his favorite snack and she gotten each of us one of those $2 Crossword puzzle scratchoffs.
She smiled at me, and said, "You love those, right? They're your favorite?"
I simultaneously had my heart melt and almost burst into tears.

You see, after my water broke, when I was in the hospital, Brian and I would celebrate each night at 9:40 p.m. We had made it another 24 hours. Each night, B would go to the gas station and buy us fun snacks or drinks and he'd get us each a $2 crossworld puzzle. It was our way of marking that we had made it another day pregnant.

And I hadn't seen one since then. We used to do them often, as a fun thing at the end of the work week (I know, we are nerdy). But ever since, we just didn't buy them. We didn't speak about it; we just didn't do it.

I scratched mine off, and I didn't win. While I was in the hospital, I used to tell myself things like, "If this one is a winner, both of the babies will live." And then if it wasn't I would tell myself how silly and stupid and pointless that was.

I don't know where I'm going with all this, I guess nowhere. I think it's just that there are these things that pop out at us. You just never know...

I guess I just suck, then.

2010-11-05T17:41:00.002-05:00

My friend, who is having the twins, hasn't responded to my e-mail. Which is ok-I told her I needed space in order to get my mind around things. But, to punish myself, I am stalking her face.book, which she doesn't use very much. Anyway, I know she is scared to have twins, and worried about being able to afford it and all that. So this is a post on her wall:

"watched the ultrasounds, super excited! you are in my prayers, just remember God chose you for a reason, and that reason is because you and hubby are great parents and He knows that you will be wonderful parents to these two little ones! He knows He wants you two to raise these Children of God because He knows your hearts and knows you will do an amazing job! love you bunches!"

So, I read this and I am totally offended. And I know I've mentioned before that I definitely do have faith, and I believe in God, and while I am not a typical every-Sunday church goer, I do believe that God is a warm and loving and compassionate God. I believe that I pray to him for strength. And I know that none of us out there have the same beliefs about religion at all-and part of why I'm sometimes hesitant about it and organized religion in general is because I respect everyone's different beliefs and don't at all think that one could possibly be better than another.

But, seriously? If this were true-if we all get pregnant because God knows our hearts and knows we will be great parents-then why do crackheads get pregnant? Why would he create life in someone that will abort it because of whatever circumstance? Why are there a billion kids in foster care? And why did my children DIE?

I am at a hotel right now-I came with my husband to a teaching conference. The other teachers here know our story and I have had a few run ins that I really didn't think I'd have to face anymore.

And one of the biggest ones is at least two people have looked at me so compassionately and said, head tilted, "I am so happy for you." And it's nice to hear, I suppose. But then the look straight in the eye and say, "It all happens for a reason, you know."

And I know some of you all believe that it did/does happen for a reason-and if you believe that, I respect it-and I'm certainly not saying you are wrong. And honestly, I wish I did. I wish I could believe that someday I will find out there was some thing I just didn't know, like they had to die so that something would happen that would save the world or soemthing-maybe it would make me feel better.

But I just don't believe it.

I mean, when you don't get a new job. Perhaps that is a time for "Oh, it all happens for a reason-a better job will come along."

Maybe.

But, anyway. I wasn't expecting it, and on top of the twin news I just feel very off kilter, very weepy, very ready to crack. I go back to work in 24 days and my stomach is tying itself slowly into little knots.

Ups and downs, right? Ups and downs.

My heart hurts.

2010-11-01T20:16:00.004-05:00

Can I just say this:
I have two very close friends where I live.
One of them is pregnant, and I've been SO at peace with it-so proud of myself.
At a routine u/s, she found out she is having...
you guessed it-
boy/girl twins.
I can't stop crying. My head is pounding. I cried on the phone when she told me. She cried, too. That's the kind of friend she is. She's been there through it all.
I hate this.
I cried so hard I threw up.
The thought of having to see them-makes me ill. Cute little pink and blue. Twin baby pictures.
I don't know how to do this.
I suck.

I got the call right before we were leaving for the cemetery because it is the 2 year anniversary of when my father-in-law died of cancer.

I thought of them so much yesterday. They would be 18 months old. Trick or Treating in fun costumes.

Of course I am so thankful for A and so glad that she's here and I love her more than anything-just really, really down.

Would love any advice on how to do this-with my friend. Anything you've used mentally to get through?

Bad, bad day.

Signs and Symbols

2010-10-27T15:19:00.002-05:00

So. I have always been a little envious of other loss mamas who see signs/symbols that either remind them of their little one or perhaps even feel a communication through this sign. Butterflies, ladybugs, dragonflies, etc.
I have desperately wanted to dream of Aiden and Sophie.
I have tried so hard to open my eyes nice and wide to look around to see any possible way that they are in my life (in a symbol/form).
When we came home from the hospital empty handed, it was the beginning of Spring here in the midwest. It seemed as though each time I would go outside, there were two robins in my yard. I kept telling myself it was the twins, watching out for me. I would get so excited when I would see 2. I would scream with glee and call my husband out if they came to sit on the railing of the deck.

But, the thing is, a lot of times there were actually 3, and I just ignored one. I'd look out and convince myself that there were 2, and one had just flown away.

I don't know. I guess I just wanted so bad for it to feel like a sign.

On the other hand, and I know for some people they just don't understand, but I am completely arachnophobic. Not like, I jump if I see one and use the vacuum to suck it up. But-completely frozen in place, can't move, lose control and can't even go close enough to the spider in order to suck it up with the vacuum.

I mean, the definition of a phobia is an irrational fear of something. So, duh, I get it. It's not rational.

But I have always felt like seeing spiders is like impending doom. I feel like they mean something bad is going to happen. In reality-spiders come in when it's going to rain, when the weather changes, etc.

I also have nightmares. It's almost always the same one-in my dream I'm asleep in bed and the spider is hanging from it's web from the ceiling, twirling down toward my face.

Now-and this is funny looking back, in fact I lose myself in giggles when I tell the story in real life-but I actually gave my husband a bloody nose during one of these dreams. In my sleep, I was so scared of the spider, that I grabbed a pillow and swung it from one side of me to the other, and whacked my husband HARD in the nose with my fist. Yikes!

Anyway, yesterday I was sitting on the floor playing with the baby, and a giant (for me-I know there are bigger) spider crawled ACROSS MY HAND. Normal people might be a little grossed out. I screamed and almost dropped A, she started crying because she was scared (which made me feel quite bad) and I went up against the wall. The carpet in my basement is dark and a little long and I need to find that spider!!! I needed it to be dead. I couldn't find it, and Brian was still at work, and I just started crying in hysterics.

I feel like a moron even typing this. I know it must sound so stupid.

But it shakes me up. I wonder to myself---what is coming???

I guess I just feel like the symbolism in my life is negative, and I'm wishing for more positive symbols.

I guess, really, I just keep waiting for that other shoe to drop. I would like to come to some acceptance that A is here to (hopefully) stay. See, I still can't even write it. A is alive. She is here. She is staying. Will it always feel like saying/writing that is some sort of challenge to the Universe-I feel like I am mocking, daring. I just want to believe it. I want to know it.

Where are they now?

2010-10-23T21:02:00.003-05:00

Ok, well, after the last post I lost 3 followers (perhaps it was my trashy mouth!?) and got 4 e-mails reminding me that being a conservative does NOT equal being closed-minded. Oops! I re-read it and I suppose you could get that I was insinuating that, but I didn't mean it! I just meant that I am liberal. And I dislike people who are closed minded (although I find them fascinating and a challenge!). Not that I dislike conservative people because they are closed minded. I'm actually conservative in some ways, too, I just find myself agreeing more with the left. That's all! :) Didn't mean to offend.

This week was my "real life" friend Julie's daughter's 1st birthday. In Heaven. :( My husband and I drove to the cemetery to leave her a pumpkin and some balloons and as we were pulling away the balloons randomly came apart and flew off into the sky. I told my friend that her daughter absolutely needed them right that second for her party up there.

I then started to think about some of the stuff that we tell ourselves/say to make us feel better. I mean, what a lovely thought, right? I love thinking about balloons making it to Heaven. I love thinking about all our babies playing together, having cupcakes and wearing party hats and chilling with their great-grandparents.

I'm not really going anywhere with this, I don't think, I just don't know if my "old" self would have thought this-I believed in Heaven, but I guess I didn't think much about what goes on there. I haven't studied the Bible thoroughly to know and I can't find scripture that says explicitly what babies are like in Heaven (i.e. do they get new bodies? they couldn't stay so little/fragile-what about baby embryos that are miscarried?) and my pastor friends agree that they go there, though they don't exactly know what to tell me. I think I remember hearing once that everybody gets a new body there-a perfect, healthy one at the "perfect" age.

So, I believe what I want. That they are happy, and free, and giggling and having birthday parties with their friends and all of my relatives and I'd like to think that maybe they are NOT watching me-I don't want them to see me sad, and perhaps that sad that Avery got to stay and they didn't? (though I do find comfort sometimes when people tell me I have angels watching over me)

But then-I feel like they can't feel sad. I want where they are to be perfect. I think scripture does say whether or not they can watch us on Earth, but again, I've never really studied the Bible or gone too deep into any of it.

Actually, while I say that I want to sincerely apologize right off the bat for offending anyone out there reading this, because I know I sound like a total moron who knows nothing about religion but wants to believe in it. I mean, it's not quite that bad, but I know I probably sound stupid.

Ok, so my point is, what do you all think? Tell me!!!

Faking It

2010-10-17T15:52:00.003-05:00

Ok, so.
I love this place. I love this blog. I love this community.
I mean, I know none of us realllllly want to be here, because the ticket in is the worst thing possible. But since we didn't get a choice, we really are lucky.

And I've been thinking lately about how sometimes I think I seriously don't know who I am anymore. I mean, which me am I?

Are you confused yet?

So, I'm not really "out" about my blogging life. I mean, I have a private blog where I post more pictures of A and little things about her life, and I have written about grief there, but it's for my family members and in the beginning when I would start to write about how I really felt, they all thought I was suicidal and were calling to make sure I was still alive. They couldn't handle how dark my thoughts were then.

So I found this. I found here. And I could write possibly the darkest thoughts ever, and people would say, "Hey. Been there. You're not crazy." and most of the time, that's really all we want to hear, right?

So that's how it's been. I blog here for what I really need, and I "blog" there for my family to see a little of what grief is like and some more pictures of A.

Until I started adding a bunch of BLMs to facebook. My mom called and said, "Who is that girl named Brianne that posts on your wall all the time? She seems so nice! Her baby is so cute! How do you know her?"

And I was all...um.....uh.....well, you see.

I seriously imagine that's what it felt like back in the day when it was NOT cool to go online to try to find dates! Ya know, when everyone on the internet was a creepy stalker and really a 60 year old 500 pound man child molester sitting on the computer smoking and eating microwave burritos.

I didn't want to lie. BUT I didn't really want to say, um, well, I met her on the internet? I don't exactly know why-mostly because my mom is kind of old (hehe) and she'd be like, what? who?

And seriously, does she stalk my facebook or what, my mom? I mean, geez!

So I don't even remember what I said. Something like, "Oh, she's my friend from California. You don't know ALL my friends, mother!"

Then I won an AMAZING piece of art from the talented Franchesca at Small Bird Studio. I didn't really want to post a picture of it on here because it is of my last name. Although, I'm not really sure I can even pretend that I'm anonymous on here anymore, anyway. But people are instantly drawn to it and always ask me where I got it.

Why can't I just lie, again? So I say, "Um, well, I won it in this blog contest and well, ya know, and the artist, she uh, she lost a baby, too, and um."

I'm a freak. I've been "out" with my husband since the beginning. I think he never thought it was strange (or at least never told me) because he was so glad that something helped me, he saw how excited I was when I get blog comments and so he wasn't going to question anything. And even this year when I found out we were going to California next summer and suggested maybe meeting one of my BLM friends, he thought that was a great idea! But my mom, my friends, I think-they will think I'm nuts.

So that's one part. Then there's the part of how I'm not sure I feel like I'm being entirely real on here, either! I mean, don't get me wrong-my feelings are real. I'm not exaggerating; I'm not sugar coating. But there is a lot more to me! I'm funny! I laugh a lot! I have interests!

And you guys....I swear! A lot! I have a problem! I walk around my house saying "Bitches and hos!" for NO REASON. There are no bitches and hos here. But I like to say it. I enjoy the word douche.bag ( I think it can be adapted to many situations).

I'm obsessed with the Gilmore Girls. I want to move to Stars Hollow. (It doesn't actually exist-I know this). I'm a sucker for Lifetime Movies. I wanted to be one of the "Friends".

I watch CNN all the time-I love politics and I'm super liberal and get really mad when people are not open-minded.

And I watch Dexter and True Blood! How opposite from the Gilmore Girls! I listen to Eminem AND Phantom of the Opera AND Michael Jackson. I love to scrapbook. I love to read. I love to go to the movies. I love to drive as fast as I can with the music as loud as I can. I'm constantly getting yelled at by my husband because I forget to turn the music down before I turn the radio off and it blasts him when he drives next.

I LOVE to clean. I get totally nuts when there is any sort of clutter at all. A great day for me is re-organizing drawers and closets.

I'm a good teacher. I am on every committee there is. I love the kids.

Bitches and hos! I like to end sentences with a random word. Like a comma, yo. "It's so nice out, yo!" or comma, bitches. "That was such a good movie, bitches!"

I had a verbally/emotionally abusive father. My sister is really my half-sister, which we didn't know until we were 25 and 32. She's cold and stand-offish because my dad was a (get ready for it) total douchebag. I"m oversensitive and cry too much for the same reason.

I don't know.
I don't know why I just typed all of that. But it felt good! I'm both of these people, but I feel like I'm separate. I'm not just. I don't spend all my time grieving.

But I don't swear on here. And I don't tell anyone else my "real" feelings.

I think it's ok. It's ok, right?

Support Needed

2010-10-14T14:12:00.004-05:00

I was hoping for some extra prayers/support for some blogs I follow.

One of Sonja's quads, Liam, who is a 28 weeker was just hospitalized with RSV. She's hoping he recovers quickly and that his 3 siblings don't have it as well!

Rebecca has a close friend (Tiffany) who has been there for her through the loss of her baby. Now, her friend's son suddenly died at 4.5 months old-so, so horrible. THEN, and this just makes me sick to my stomach, someone left a horribly cruel comment on Tiffany's blog, so she had to make it private. People seriously just sicken me. At any rate, you can leave support on Rebecca's blog.

I posted to the LFCA, but in case you don't read that, I thought I'd ask to send you there as well.

Escape

2010-10-12T20:24:00.003-05:00

Things have been going overall pretty well around here! My maternity leave is going by so quickly-but I can't complain because I got so much extra seeing as how I'm a teacher and Avery was born in the summer. We took some pictures on Sunday since she turned THREE MONTHS old!!!

Otherwise, we have been staying busy. I've been having some crabby, hormonal issues with going back on bcp and menstruating and all that fabulous fun so I've been a little tense, and quite honestly, sometimes a little depressed. But nothing I can't shake off with a smile from the little one or a nice talk (cry) with the husband.

There is one thing, though, that I can't escape. It's that damn ptsd. I've seen a psychologist for it, as it was the absolute worst during weeks 21-28 in my pregnancy. I did everything I could to change the bedroom at my old house-painted, turned the bed, got all new sheets and bedding, threw away the clock that was on the wall-everything that triggered that moment when my water broke.

But now, I live in a new house, and the stress of the pregnancy is gone, and still sometimes I fall into bed at night, turn over onto my side, and I can hear the pop. I have to stop, and tell myself-this isn't happening. It's over. It's the past. But to some extent the damage is done, and the events start to replay in my mind...the drive to the hospital, that nurse, "Please note that half of the stomach is soft, half is hard."

I can replay the whole thing, event for event. My time on bedrest is sort of blocked out until 2 weeks later when I wake up in labor.

I'm thinking it's time to go and talk to someone about this again, but honestly, for me-it just hasn't helped much. Maybe I just need more? But I talk a lot about it with my husband and certain friends, and write about it here, and honestly, getting to know someone new and paying all that money-I'm not sure it's worth it unless I'm pretty sure it'll make something better.

Could it be the cliche that I just need more time? I'm not sure.

I hope all is well. Sending thoughts up to my friends who are still fighting like mad to get/keep those rainbows. Love to you all. xoxo

Still?

2010-10-04T13:40:00.002-05:00

So, starting when I lost the twins I became extremely...how to put it...distracted, I guess? For the longest time, I couldn't even read a book. Books are my FAVORITE things! I used to read at least a book a week-anything and everything. But I lost my concentration. It became super hard for me to pay attention to anything-basically I could randomly surf the internet and sleep, and that was about all I could accomplish in those first few awful months.
When I went back to work last fall, I felt so different than before. So distracted! I know most of it my students didn't pick up on-but I also had way less patience. I blamed it on leftover grief, ttc, and later my very stressful, risky pregnancy. I had so much anxiety that my mind was somewhere else. I let SO many things drop at school-things I loved to do, committees I was on, extra-curriculars I loved to do with the kids. I put off doing my work and would just surf stupid websites during my prep time. I didn't design anything new (yawn! how boring!) But I didn't figure it'd last.
But, here I am, and I have my darling baby and the stress of pregnancy is gone, and there's no TTC in my near future, and I'm even off work, and I'm still SO distracted. My husband, who teaches in the same school district in which I work, will come home and want to vent, or bounce ideas off of me (we both teach the same subject, so my program feeds into his) and I can't even listen to him. He gets so annoyed with me because he thinks I just want to do something else-but I really just can't do it! I can't focus-I lose concentration-I feel....well, sometimes I feel dumb. Dumb because a lot of times I don't even "get" what he's talking about because it doesn't...I don't know, register or something. And I know so much about what he's speaking and I used to feel so much passion for it!
Does that make sense? I just still feel so weird and I'm wondering if I should mention it to my doctor? Do you all still have this? Is it just me? Will it eventually go away?
I have made a decision to only use the internet when A is napping. I am SO bad about it. Sometimes, while I'm feeding her, I'll open the lid of the dumb lap top and just click aimlessly. Why? No clue. Because I can't sit still! Because I get "bored" feeding the baby? WTH? So I had to put the laptop in the other room. But my brain constantly is looking for something to do. A distraction. Something I can "click."
Ugh. Advice?

Sadness

2010-09-25T14:40:00.003-05:00

Seriously-life is SO hard. And I'm not even really talking about MY life. I just mean life in general.

Does it feel like you just hear so much sad news? Or does it just overshadow the good news?

I don't know. I've been thinking so much about some of my fellow bloggy mamas lately-begging the universe-please let IVF work--please please please let those twins be ok--please let all rainbow babies be healthy. And I sometimes focus so much on it that I am stalking people's face.book and letting myself maybe get too involved. Perhaps it's unhealthy. I just want everything to get better for people. And when it doesn't-I get SO frustrated. And it's not even about me!

At any rate, today has been a weird day for me. I've spent a lot of it crying. First I found out some bad news about a few bloggy friends. Then when A woke up I realized that her fussiness lately may be a little more than just fussiness because she woke up sounding congested. I called right away and we took her into the pediatrician and she is diagnosed with RSV. She's not even 3 months old yet :( Doc said she picked it up most likely at the doctor's office when she had her 2 month well visit. She's been spitting up and having weird eating habits since then.

I am terrified now because 500 babies a year die from this. Doctor says it's mild-that she's not wheezing-that A was full term and she's healthy and a great weight. I keep thinking I know I've read stories where someone had a sickness, but an ok from the doctor and their baby went to sleep and didn't wake up.

I can't think she's going to die everytime she gets sick. Rainbow mommies, does this go away? I think I know the answer to that.

Anyway, then my cell phone starts beeping like crazy-just as I'm getting A settled next to her humidifier. A 7th grader from my school died last night.

Damn it.

Life sucks.

I want to reach out to that mom.

But wouldn't she just laugh at me? Our loss is not the same.

But anyway. A 7th grader died in a car accident and she was with two other girls from my school, both of whom I can only imagine will have ptsd from this.

Ugh. I need to get myself in a better place so that I can do positive things for people. Instead of sitting around and crying and feeling life all of life is a bad place!!!!!!!!! I'm super sleep deprived and worried and all around a disaster. But, as usual, it helps a little to pound this out and hopefully a nap and a warm bath and some snuggles with the sicky-poo will help.

xoxo

Guilt

2010-09-23T15:22:00.002-05:00

So, is guilt something that we "allow" to happen? How do you curve it?

I feel guilt about so many things. And I don't exactly know how to stop. We all know how much guilt there is surrounding trying to be a mama to babies that aren't with us anymore. Then there is guilt about being "good enough" ( a good enough wife, daughter, etc.).

As I make my way through this journey of being a parent to a living child, I've felt a lot of guilt about things (which I'm pretty sure is natural). You always second guess yourself-am I doing this enough? Is she getting enough of this? Am I reading her signals correctly? Is she happy? I"m only guessing that this gets harder as you go along because providing for an infant comes down to somewhat predictable things (food, change diaper, cuddle, etc. etc.)

But oh-I said it. Food.

I think I've mentioned before that I was not able to breastfeed.

And when I say "not able" I actually mean it-as in I HAD NO BREASTMILK. Not a drop. Not even like-oh, I had a low supply and had to supplement formula.

But I was still told, "You need to try harder!"

Um. Hello? Is this thing on? Did you hear me? I don't have ANY breastmilk.

So people suggested a breastmilk bank. Which I googled right away, of course, and there is one in my state-3 hours away. Not gonna work.

So, anyway-my daughter was starving. Literally. She had lost something like 12% of her birthweight 4 days later.

She had some trouble finding a formula that didn't upset her belly-and I called the ped's office and talked to a nurse. Her suggestion? "If you are having so many issues with the formula, maybe you should think about relactating."

Well, maybe I could if I had lactated in the FIRST PLACE! I was so mad at that lady...grrrrr....

So she is getting formula. Now, I lucked out this time because she is currently using Good.Start formula, and so it's not part of the recall. But it's been a part of recalls before! And so have eggs, and lettuce, and beef, and children's tylenol, and cribs and...

You get my point.

So why, might I ask-are people making formula into something judgmental? All last night I just kept getting ticked off-I kept reading things like,
"Well, breastmilk has never been recalled."
and
"Go breastfeeders!"

Um, really? Go breastfeeders? Right now?

When they recalled eggs, did someone post, "Good thing I grow my own chickens in my backyard! Go farmers!"

I mean, maybe some of us thought it :) But-it's not helpful. Especially when we are so worried.

I just don't get how we can berate and make other mommys feel so bad-even if it is for a "joke"-to make them feel judged. And yes, if you are able to breastfeed-you should be proud! It's hard work!!! It's not something that is easy for most people. And you should be proud if you own your own chickens, too! But I mean-my body has failed me in so many ways and if I let myself think about it, it makes me feel so horrible. That tiny little voice in the back of your head saying, "You shouldn't even have a baby, your baby can't even do it" could win if I didn't keep reminding it to shut.up.

It's hard to be a mom. To living babies and to lost ones. But most of us are doing the very best that we can!!!!!!

Ok, I just needed to get that off my chest!!!!!!!! :)

Bits About This and That

2010-09-18T18:10:00.003-05:00

I miss them.
I can't believe it happened.
I feel like I don't love them enough.
I feel like my family doesn't remember them.
I feel like I'm so scared that something will happen to her.
It's so unfair.
I love her so much.
I wonder what it would be like if they were here.
I wonder what they would have looked like.
I feel guilt.
I feel anger.
I feel sadness.
I am elated.
I can't believe she's here.

Same.

So, something different. I doubt you're going to make it to the end of this because I have no idea where this is even headed. It's just that my heart is heavy.

Autumn is here. I love it. The changing of the seasons is one of the reasons why I'm not sure I could live anywhere but the midwest. We are wearing sweatshirts and the air is crisp. Upstairs there is an apple cider candle burning, making the whole house smell like autumn.

I'm not sure why, but it is always the start of this season when I get homesick. I live 3.5 hours away from the town in which I grew up. A tiny town of just under 1,000 people. I love it and I miss it. Mostly, I miss my mom-even though I see her as much as I can, I wish she were just down the street. I wish I could stop by whenever I feel like it. I wish she could see Avery whenever she wanted. I wish we could go shopping on Saturdays together. I've lived away for over 10 years now. I have a home here. A beautiful home, a great husband, a good job. I wonder if I will always feel like that is home?

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I had a really messed up thing happen when I was in college. My parents got divorced. I mean, I know that I'm not the only one with divorced parents. And they needed to get divorced. But it happened like this:

I came home from college because I needed to get a root canal.
That night I was very sick from a bad reaction to the anesthesia.
My dad told my mom that they were going out to dinner with the neighbors.
She told him that she was not going because someone needed to stay with me since I was sick.
He said she was going.
She said she would not and he could just go by himself if it was so important.
So he did.

I went back to school and two days later my mom called to tell me that she was moving out. She did and I never got to go back to the house in which I grew up. I never got any of my things-my momentos and photographs and books. I never got one last look around. I never got to go out to the swing where my grandmother and I used to sit.

When I was little I was very aware of the fact that my parents hated each other. I was VERY aware of the fact that people walking by our house and our neighbors could hear my parents screaming at each other day after day. I knew that when my dad was in a "mood" (which was very often) I should retreat immediately to my room, shut the door, and turn on my favorite music as loud as I could.

I knew that when my dad called me terrible names and that I wasn't supposed to believe them.

What I also know is that people have it much, much worse than this. BUT in the interest of being honest, I did not luck out in the father department. He has terrible anger issues and he berated me, put me down, screamed at me, made me feel like nothing I could do would ever be right. He was worse to my sister. He never hit us, but once he shoved me in a closet because when I had opened the scream door to get something off the deck the dog had gotten out. I feel like if provoked, he would've hit me. I never EVER said anything back to him during his rage-I just cried and hid.

He was having an affair with a neighbor. The one he went to dinner with the night of my root canal.

He sucks. And everyone tells me I'm stronger because of it. Stronger because I don't believe the things he told me. Stronger because I can remember in 4th grade wishing my parents would get divorced. Wishing that my father wouldn't use those words. Wishing that my mother would tell him off. Wishing that someone would see.

Three of my grandparents died within one year. Stronger.

I watched my father-in-law die of cancer. Stronger.

I was struck with infertility. Stronger.

I watched my babies die. Stronger.

I would rather be weak, I think.

I have a colleague at work who lost her husband suddenly to a heart aneurysm. We were having a heart to heart about loss and she told me that at this point she's worked so hard in her grief and has made so many changes in herself that she wouldn't take him back. Wouldn't take him back.

I have mulled this over and over.

I can't grasp it. I am sure that I could never say that. That I couldn't say I would never take them back.

But what if to get them back I would have to never have had Avery?

I am so glad I will never have to even think about that because it is impossible.

Ok, I think I need to stop-my brain is nearing it's end of connection-making :) Thank you for reading this if you made it to the end. I am just having one of those days of nostalgia...or something like that.

2 months rainbow mentioned

2010-09-13T13:37:00.004-05:00

So, I just got back from miss Avery's 2 month check-up.

She weights 12 pounds 11 ounces!! She's in the 90th percentile for weight!!! What a chunky monkey!

She is 23 inches long, which is the 50th percentile.

And her head circumference is 15.7 inches, which is the 75th percentile.

Here is an updated photo:

I look at her and I am so in love. I can see beautiful Sophie and Aiden in her, too, and it makes me happy :) Today marks 17 months since we said hello to our beautiful babies. I can hardly believe it's been that long. We have ice cream every 13th for them-to celebrate that they were here. Hopefully hubby gets home soon so we can go get some!

Seriously

2010-09-09T15:40:00.003-05:00

I am so messed up.

I mean, don't you just feel so seriously screwed up sometimes?

I wake up every morning telling myself that I'm ok. That I'm happy. That I'm blessed.

And I mostly am.

But then there's the times when I catch myself thinking - imagine. Just imagine how happy my life would be if it had never happened.

Can you believe it? Can you believe how horrible and nasty I am? Letting myself think about what it would it be like if they had never existed. Think about what it would be like to have a beautiful baby without having to battle grief.

Because I want to be at peace with it. And smile when I think of them instead of cry. And be comforted in the fact that I love them so, very much.

Instead, I have flashbacks. Terrors. My water breaks. Gush. The nurse making notes on the computer. "One half of belly is soft. One half is hard."
Litmus paper.
"You may have just urinated. You probably just urinated."

My mother, dipping her finger into a little seashell full of water to baptise Sophie because there wasn't a chaplain near enough.

My husband, shaking with sobs. Looking at me to fix the pain.

Seeing people gather around her little isolette.

Watching the numbers slowly go down on his heartbeat.

Decisions. Flash. Flash.

I've seen too many pictures of dead babies.

I watch Avery while she sleeps. And I think of the pictures I've seen of beautiful babies who are dead. I watch her chest rise and fall with her breaths and willing the universe that they continue.

Watching the Angel Care Monitor flash. flash. flash.

I can never be sure she's going to be ok. Never ever. You just don't know what's in the cards.

I don't want to live my life worrying about my daughter dying. Because her brother and sister did.

I feel so unrested. So unsure. So scared.

So happy. So lucky. So blessed.

So freaking PISSED OFF that this happened. So unbelievably angry that they were taken from me.

I am so.messed.up.

Sigh.

2010-08-31T08:39:00.001-05:00

I, honestly, am so happy. Happier than I've ever been. Avery is the most beautiful, funny, amazing baby and I could spend every minute of every day just staring at her.

But in the background, the grief nags at me. The wondering nags at me.

I've been blogging about it a lot actually, but not hitting "publish" because nothing seems to make a lot of sense.

But she looks like them.
And I wonder what it would be like if there were two. Two beautiful babies, one boy, one girl.

I wonder what it would be like if we had one year old twins AND her!?

I feel like I don't love them enough. Or think of them enough.

I feel like I owe it to her to not think of them too much. To not take away from her what I can't give to them.

Having her here makes it all too real. What I really missed out on. What I really lost. What a stupid infection takes away.

I had a c-section and I'm so tired of the comments, "Now you'll never have to know how bad labor/delivery feels!"

The thing is, how do they think they twins got out? I labored, trust me-I labored. I delivered them. The placenta. I had to dilate fully. I did it all. And my babies were immediately whisked away and I couldn't hold them until they were already pretty much dead.

How can I forgot that? I can't. But I guess everyone else can.

But I don't mean everyone else.

My friend T sent me an e-mail saying when she thinks of Avery, she thinks of them, too. I don't think a nicer thing could be said to me. I don't think anything could make me happier.

My friend K got the coolest personalized book for Avery and in it she put Sophie and Aiden's names. I cry when I read it.

My friend J gave us a onesie that says "Little Sister" on it.

I'm so very lucky. So very blessed.

But the nagging feeling is there. The grief recoils and gets ready to strike again-who knows when? Usually when I'm alone and the baby is asleep. I stare at her and I think. Really think. And it hurts so, so much. I hate this hurt. I resent this hurt.

Movie Moment

2010-08-24T13:55:00.002-05:00

Ok, this one is kind of a stretch, so hang in there with me.

In real life, I believe we have what I call, "movie moments." You know how in movies there will sometimes be clips where time is going by-or typically where one person is sitting, usually looking out the window of a train or while staring at a photograph-and you can see scenes of their life (their memories) passing through? The viewers see the montage and usually there is some sort of song with profound lyrics playing. Well, I imagine this happening all the time.
When major things happen in my life, I will catch myself having one of these-I all of the sudden and sitting, looking at a photograph, and thinking through my life like it is a series of memories in a movie. When I catch myself, I laugh, and try to think up what song would be playing during this movie moment.
Sometimes the song is what puts me in a movie moment.
I had one of these the other day. We needed groceries really badly, and A hates the grocery store (I think it's the bright lights, even when we put up the canopy thingy on her car seat, she's not a fan) and so B suggested that I go on my own.
Gulp.
Leave the house?
Without A?
What?
This would be the second time in the SAME WEEK. The first and second time since she was born.
I know. Get over it.
So, I went. And I got into the car, and rolled down the windows (which I don't do with the baby) and I cranked the radio WAY up (which I don't do with the baby) and I drove a "little" over the speed limit on the interstate.
And as my hair was blowing like crazy in the wind, a song came on the radio.
It is called, "Wind of Change" by a group called the Scorpions. It's from the early 90s. Do you know it? It's what we like to call a "Power Ballad." :)
Anyway, I bet you're wondering how I can figure that a song about the fall of the Berlin Wall is my movie moment scene song.
And I guess I don't especially know. But I know the words resonated with me as I belted them out, driving with the windows down.

"Taaaaaaaaaake me-to the magic of the moment, on a glory night-where the children of tomorrow, dream away-on the wind of change (the wind of chaaaaange)."

As I whistled along, I thought about change. And how sometimes what happens in just a moment-what the wind brings along in a moment-can change our entire lives.
I mean, when you think of it, grief is this huge wall. It's put up between us and the rest of the world. All we want is to knock it down. And we dream about it-and some of us are able to knock that wall down. But once the wall is down, it doesn't change just.like.that.
I feel sometimes like 17 months out from holding my sweet twins that I have mostly knocked down my wall of grief.

After all, I was singing in my car at the top of my lungs, enjoying the warm air and feeling....light.
But even if it is down, there are residual effects. Things that have changed me. Forever.
I suppose it's like that in Berlin. You can see where the wall used to be. I have a piece of it (well, I was 16 when I visited Berlin and they told me it was a piece of it when I bought it, but, well, you know) and I dug it out last night.

A wall.
A wind of change.
My movie moment.

Crazy.

2010-08-14T14:39:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I feel crazy.
Lately I have been having these nightmares that aren't really nightmares. I'm not really sure if I can explain this well in writing, but I'll try. Do you know how sometimes you wake up-say, in the middle of the night-and the lighting and the shadows are just right, and along with your brain and whatever you were dreaming/thinking about, you can convince yourself that you see something that really isn't there?

I can remember being a young girl and I had a bean bag chair in my room. One night I woke up and there was something sitting just right on top of the chair and in the dark with the shadows I was absolutely convinced that there was a man in my room-staring at me, watching me sleep.

I'm not sure if you know this feeling. But I was paralyzed in my bed. Absolutely could.not.move. Afraid to scream because I thought he'd "get me" then. I kept blinking, trying to see if it was real, but each time I opened my eyes it was still a man. My parents were just in the next room and finally I let out a yell and my mom came running in and flipped on the light. As my eyes adjusted, I could see that the "man" in my room was actually a jacket on top of my backpack on top of the chair.

One of the first nights home from the hospital the baby just wouldn't sleep unless I was holding her. I was SO exhausted that I could barely stand and knew I couldn't stay awake anymore. So I brought her downstairs and sat in the recliner-her on my chest-with pillows on either side of me to prop my arms up so I knew she wouldn't fall, and tried to doze off just a little.

When I woke up, A was gone and my husband was sleeping on the couch instead of upstairs in bed where I had left him. His head was closest to me and down by his feet, just laying there by herself, was A. She wasn't breathing. I was utterly, completely paralyzed. I started crying and went to stand up and then shook myself and took a deep breath. A was completely safe right on my chest and my "husband" on the couch was a blanket, and the baby was a pillow. I felt insane.

I wish this was the only time. A week or so later I woke up to find the baby sleeping in the middle of us on the bed. I was livid that my husband had put her there. I screamed at him to wake up and kept asking why he put the baby there. I could SEE the baby there.

It was the dog.

Again, two nights ago, I fell asleep hugging a pillow, like I normally do. Woke up to thinking I was suffocating the baby by hugging her on the bed.

I feel crazy. I wake up and stare at the angel care monitor blinking.

I don't want A to have a crazy mom. I want to be normal and happy and just enjoy every second of her instead of continuing to think that she is going to die.

I know that fatigue plays a part in this. I'm so ok (mostly-ha) during the day but I never REALLY sleep. I think all moms relate to this. Even when I know my husband is on "duty" I can't fully fall asleep because I think he's going to sleep through her needing something. He sleeps through a lot :) So even though I am extremely lucky because at 5 weeks A can sleep a stretch of 4-5 hours at night when she's first put down, I can't let myself really fall asleep.

I don't know. I hate these nightmares. I hate feeling like a total freak of a person.

We had our 4 year wedding anniversary this week. We waited until A fell asleep for her morning nap and took her with us out to a nice lunch. Then we came home, got into our pjs :) and watched TV shows and talked about the last 4 years and about our future. It was a nice day. I felt "normal." I live for those moments. Feeling like a family.

I think I'm just tired.

It all worked out.

2010-08-08T19:21:00.002-05:00

"See, it all worked out in the end, right?"

Really? It all "worked out?" Because I still have two dead babies. And nightmares. And flashbacks. And two urns. And memories.

And, of course, a beautiful, adorable baby to cuddle-but does that mean that it never happened?

Yesterday I spent lounging around my house in my pjs. Gave A a bath, took a nap while she did, cuddled.

But there, in the back of my mind-the date. August 7th. My due date for the twins. Once I put A in her bassinet for the night, I cried myself to sleep. Thinking; remembering.

Every night we take a walk around the neighborhood. I push A in the stroller, B walks the dog. We talk. We smile. We laugh. We dream.

To someone who doesn't know us, we must look like we have it all. A nice house, good jobs, a cute dog, a sweet baby. Two teachers off in the summer, taking care of their new little one.

"She's beautiful!"
"She's a keeper."
"You must be just so happy."
"I'm so glad it all worked out for you."

And we DO have so much. We ARE so blessed. We pretty much DO have it all. But, there's more. More to that story.

I guess I should have known better. I guess I maybe thought that once she was here I wouldn't have to be afraid of leaving the house for fear of what people would say to me. After the twins were born, I didn't want to talk to anyone. While pregnant with A, I would make my husband go through the line at stores after a while for fear of all the "Is this your first?" questions.

I guess I'm still tender. I guess I'm maybe not as far as I thought in my grieving. I guess it might always be there-the little voice in the back of my head-the bitter one-the one that corrects what everyone says inside my head instead of aloud.

I guess I will admit that I really thought once she was here I would be "cured." I started to believe what my friends told me-that she would fix the pain.

I guess I'm still grieving.

Avery's Birth Story

2010-08-03T20:48:00.002-05:00

So, I warn you that it's not that exciting :) Well, to me it was, but to you it won't be.

Avery's due date was July 10th, 2010. I had my 40 week doctor appointment scheduled for Friday the 9th. The week before, I was 3 cm dilated and just a little bit effaced. I asked the doctor how long she would let me stay pregnant before we did anything-mainly because I was SO nervous about going past 40 weeks, and due to the gestational diabetes they have to not let me go too long but not induce me too early. She didn't want to make a plan then, she wanted to wait and see, and I was really sad about this. I work better with a plan!

So by Thursday the 8th, I was going nuts. I was so nervous and anxious and so worried about keeping track of her movements and getting really frustrated that I wasn't having any signs of impending labor. Brian and I were taking 2 or 3 looooooong walks around the neighborhood each day to try to bring on contractions. I'm sure the people in my neighborhood were like, yo, someone help that poor pregnant lady!

Anyway, Thursday morning the phone rings, and it's the hospital. So I pick up, and it's my doctor! She said, "What is going on with you? No contractions yet?" And I just sort of groaned and she says, "We're going to induce you tonight!"

I remember feeling a 500 million pound weight lift off of me. I remember asking if she was for real!? I was in disbelief. Just as more proof of what an amazing person she is, she had the plan in her head the whole time (I was already scheduled into labor and delivery) but didn't want to tell me too early since she was afraid I would develop a lot of anxiety about it. She was so right. I had a TON of anxiety about being back in labor and delivery, about going past the NICU, about just being at the hospital in general. So she told me to meet her at the hospital at 6:00 and she'd get me started since she was on call. The only thing is I had to go to the clinic at noon to have an ultrasound to check her size. One of the main complications of gestational diabetes is that the baby can grow too big, and even though I had been completely diet controlled and my sugars had been great, there was still a possibility.

So we went to the clinic and the ultrasound tech was sort of fumbling around with the equipment because it was new and we were just so glad to see our little girl :) She was moving around a lot and had her hands by her face like usual. It was hard to figure out things on the u/s this time since she was so much bigger, though!

At the end of the scan she told us she would take the biggest of all the measurements and average them so that we'd go on the "biggest case scenario". Well, I have to say that I was COMPETELY shocked when I saw the weight pop up on the screen. Um...NINE pounds TWELVE ounces.

Um, a TEN pound baby? I was terrified. I know most of you wouldn't even bat an eye at this, but I was so scared for a tough delivery because I was scared she would get hurt during it. It had nothing to do with me and my body-just her. And as soon as we were out the door I started to cry hysterically because I had tried SO hard with my stupid diet. I hadn't cheated at ALL-not once-and I had pricked my finger 4 times a day for four months and I had walked after every meal no matter what I was doing and yeah. You get the point.

So the doctor called me back and basically gave me a choice. I could still try the induction. There was a big possibility the weight could be wrong. Of course she could be bigger than the u/s said, too....With an induction, there's already a big chance that I'd need an emergency c-section. With a baby of this size, that chance grew even more. And there was a chance that she just wouldn't fit. That there would be considerable vaginal trauma.
Or I could just schedule a c-section. This surgery has it's risks, too, mostly for the mother. But some for the baby, too.

I didn't need more than a second to decide. I chose to schedule a c-section. With my past, with my post-traumatic stress disorder, with my anxiety, I just couldn't handle having an "emergency" c-section-I knew I couldn't handle the baby getting in distress, having to rush into surgery. With a scheduled one, it would be calm, and planned, and stress free.

So we scheduled for Saturday morning, the 10th, at 8 a.m. We had to be at the hospital at 6. The night before we didn't sleep at all. I could only lay there and think about the fact that the next morning, she'd be here!

When we got to the hospital, I felt good. I felt calm. My mom was coming and Brian would be there. The only part he couldn't be in for was when they gave me the spinal. From 6 until 7:40 I was doing great. And then I literally had a panic attack. I don't know why, really, and it was the first time I had something so---I don't know---real. It happened when the nurse started to shave the area where the surgeon would make the incision. I just started getting really , really scared. I was afraid that the baby wouldn't be ok. That she wouldn't cry when she was born. That something would happen to her. And B was in there, and my mom came, and the doctor came, all people that can calm me, and none of them could. I just wanted to run away. I couldn't do it-it was as if all of the emotions of the past few years were building to an end.

I couldn't stop crying, I honestly felt paralyzed. I honestly didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted them to leave the baby in. But they rolled me into the operating room and started to get me ready for the spinal. I had to lean forward and bunch up my shoulders and there were two anesthesiologists behind me and the nurse was sitting on a stool in front of me with the heart monitor for the baby. She kept moving the monitor, moving moving moving one spot to the next and the sound was on and I couldn't hear a heartbeat at all. I was completely freaking out. I thought, well, I knew it would happen. So I choked out, "Is she dead?" and she just looked at me and was like, what? I guess the sound was on but not the actual heartbeat and the baby was just moving so she had to keep following the heartbeat (perhaps she could have mentioned that to me?). Finally they got done and Brian got to come in. My arms were locked down, which I hated. I could feel a ton of tugging and they told me, "Get ready! She's coming" and I heard the MOST BEAUTIFUL sound I have ever heard in my entire life-she screamed her HEAD OFF! I started sobbing and the doctors laughed and the surgeon said, "Can you just wait? She's not even all the way out yet!"

I saw them pull her out and they brought her up to me and I just couldn't believe it. I wanted to hold her but my dumb arms were locked down, but they held her up to my face and Brian got to hold her and everyone was so happy. It was just so, so different than when Sophie and Aiden were born. I needed it to be so different.

Her blood sugars were great and it turns out she weighed 8 lbs 8 oz. So still a big baby, but not even close to what the ultrasound predicted. I didn't regret anything, though. She was 20 inches and just is totally perfect.

See, told you it was pretty boring :) xoxo

Bittersweet

2010-07-31T20:31:00.002-05:00

Today we had a "welcome to the world" party for Avery with some of my husband's family-I didn't really want a shower before the baby got here, so we waited until she got here.

I was crabby all morning before we left and couldn't really figure out why.

But, really, I know why. It's because deep down, each thing I do with A sometimes reminds me of what I didn't get to do with the twins.

I imagine how different it would be with both of them. How special having twins, you know?

I know this is not fair to A, but I've tried to fight it, and I just can't push it back far enough in my brain.

I celebrate her. But I miss them, too.

I wear my sophie and aiden bracelet. Their necklace.

Today we got home and there was a letter from the county. A's birth certificates.

Imagine my surprise when I open the birth certificates and they do NOT say DECEASED diagonally across the entire certificate.

Actually, they look different overall, but really, the lack of deceased stamp is really a good thing.

Amazing, actually.

I'm so happy. So, so happy.

But I opened the birth certificate and burst into tears as I was coming up the driveway.

I'm sad. I catch myself thinking of the babies. Getting weepy a little more often again. It is just so bittersweet. I love this baby so, so much. More than I could imagine, as you know-but I think we will always feel incomplete without our beautiful first babies.

This is hard. So good. But hard.

A mish mash

2010-07-22T19:34:00.002-05:00

I have been writing posts in my head for 13 days. Each night before I fall asleep I have to try to process things in my head instead of writing them out-mostly because I stink at writing one handed and I just refuse to put the baby down. She sleeps a lot-I could probably get a lot done-but I'd rather just sit and stare at her.

First, though, I wanted to thank you ALL so much for the support on my last post. I read each comment and cried and my heart eased and I just needed to realize that it just doesn't matter. It can't. Yes, my body failed again (day 13 and not a single drop of milk-not colustrum, either-nothing-the ob thinks either it's hormonal or perhaps I had hormonal issues when I was young and my breast tissue didn't develop the way they are supposed to), but I have a healthy baby that is here and thank GOD for formula. She's thriving and gaining weight and happy and that has to be all that matters. So, again, thank you, and I am at peace with it and honestly, while I would have definitely chosen to breastfeed, there are a lot of advantages to ff, and I'm going to embrace them :)

Other than that, I have so much going through my head. It is completely surreal to have a baby here at home. Each time I do something, I am close to tears for the gratitude that I feel. Things I have envied and hoped and prayed for and begged for. Taking Avery to the store. Walking into her room with her. Changing her diaper. Listening to her cry. Giving her a bath. Putting her in her stroller. Playing lullabies. Trying to sing (I stink!) to her. Rocking in her chair. Staring into her eyes. All of it is amazing. And I am the luckiest person on this planet.

But the past is there. Mostly, it's her lips. She has the same lips as Aiden and Sophie. They both had so many tubes and wires on their faces, but you could see their lips very clearly. And when she is sleeping, her mouth makes a little O and I can see what I think they would have looked like. It makes me both happy and so desperately sad that I am so unsure of my emotions. It's wondering how in the world people do this with twins. It's so hard and I start to doubt myself-maybe this all happened because I never could have been a good enough mom to twins. I know that's not true, deep down-you do it because you have to-but the doubt is planted. I think about how different it would be if they were here, beautiful 1 year olds, helping to love their little sister.

While she sleeps, she makes the greatest facial expressions. She smiles, and I'm sure she's talking with her brother and sister. Telling them how it's going. Reporting to them that we are doing fine and that we miss them.

I, of course, have the "usual" irrational fears of something horrible happening to her. Everytime I walk from my bedroom to hers, I feel as though I might drop her over the railing to the stairs on accident after tripping or something crazy like that. I hold onto her so tightly it's ridiculous. I am SO thankful for the AngelCare Monitor (all rainbow mommies should consider this, in my opinion!). I -literally-didn't sleep for more than maybe an hour a day, 20 minutes at a time while the baby was getting a checkup in the nursery while we were in the hospital. I had to stay awake and watch her to make sure she was still breathing. Once we got home and that monitor was on, I finally got some very, very much needed rest (mainly for my sanity).

I'm thankful that I don't (at least yet) have any symptoms of ppdepression. I told hubby he needed to keep an eye on me, just because I feel like I'm a good candidate because of our history.

I am so thankful to be here, on this side of pregnancy after loss. While my anxiety is definitely still there, I'm so grateful that we are not relying on MY body anymore. That I'm not the only one responsible for making sure she's still moving and how often and drinking enough water and testing blood sugar and eating the right foods. I never thought I'd get here and so many of you had to (and still are) waiting for much longer than me. I'm praying for you every single day. I'm hopeful for you.

I still owe you a birth story. It's nothing that exciting, but I feel for my sake that I need to pound it out anyway.

A few pics? Ok :)

stressed

2010-07-17T21:40:00.002-05:00

Ok, I am not sure what else to say, but I need some support.
I cannot breastfeed. I have no milk. None. It's day 8 after delivery and after "breastfeeding" every 2 to 2.5 hours for 15 minutes on each side, and pumping for 15 minutes in between each feeding, there are still-literally-drops of milk. Not even a ml.
After she lost an entire pound from her birthweight, I started giving her a full amount of formula in a bottle(was supplenting by cup feeding before that), but still putting her to the breast and pumping, and she is gaining weight again.
But it's too much. I have to quit. It takes so long to breastfeed, then give formula, then pump. And every time I pump and look at those stupid empty bottles, I get depressed. And she has a perfect latch. And she loves to breastfeed. She's the perfect breastfeeder. And again, my body fails. It doesn't do what it's supposed to do.
I've seen a lactation consultant-every day in the hospital and twice in the week since we got out. She told me I did everything I could and shouldn't beat myself up over it. I sat in her office and Avery fed for 20 minutes off both sides and she gained ZERO (they weighed her with one of those sensitive scales before and after). I have pcos and she says they are seeing more and more research with infertility linked to poor milk supply. Heck, I'd take poor milk supply. But I have none. None.
I got the herb fenugreek, which gave me severe diarrhea (sorry if tmi) and gave me a two day long headache.
I give up.
And while I know, rationally, that it's not my fault and that she'll be completely healthy and fine, why do I feel so guilty?
I'm just looking for someone to tell me it's ok.
I know I shouldn't need it, but I do.
I just give up :(

Some pictures

2010-07-15T20:53:00.003-05:00

Things are crazy here. Avery has jaundice and is on a bili blanket here at home, breastfeeding is not going well (as in, I have no breast milk) and she has lost 10 % of her body weight. So, of course, I blame my body for never doing anything right (although she did get here somehow, so I can't say nothing) and have appointments up the wazoo with lactation consultants and the pediatrition. Really, though, she's beautiful and overall doing well, and if my milk never comes in because of my pcos, and I have to continue to give her formula, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, so I've decided I need to not stress.
Anyway, I owe you all a birth story, and I'm working on it. Mostly, though, my feelings have been of complete and total elation along with pings of -how would we have done this with twins? and staring at her and seeing how similar she looks to both of them. It's overwhelming, but being able to bring her home has been the most amazing thing.
Ok, well, it's just about time for another feeding, so I'll go-but I have like 13 posts drafted in my head so you'll hear from me soon! Here are some pics to tide you over :)

Where my Heart Is

2010-07-12T22:23:00.002-05:00

Not a pose, I promise-she just loves her brother and sister. :) Brian snapped this picture while we were cuddling and I melted. I love it so much.

2010-07-10T20:45:00.003-05:00

Avery Elizabeth

Born by C-Section at 8:50 a.m. July 10th, 2010

Weighing in at a HEALTHY 8 lbs 8 ozs!!!!!!!!!

She is so beautiful and so perfect and I couldn't have done this without all of your support. More to come, but in the meantime, she is hungry!

Reversal

2010-07-05T10:42:00.002-05:00

So I have spent every single moment since last October pleading with the universe for this baby to stay IN. I still worked, but I pretty much put myself on modified bedrest during the crazy weeks during which my water broke last time. I didn't lift so much as a laundry basket (and my husband made sure of that!). I took every vitamin I could get my hands on to fight infection and I saw a psychologist to try to keep myself as calm as I could (which didn't necessarily always work!). I drank water by the gallons to build up amniotic fluid. When I found out I had GD, I stuck to that diet that you would not believe. I even bought this hypnosis cd called "Baby Stay In."

And now, I sit here, desperate. So seriously desperate. Why can I not just relax? Because I have read too many stories. I know about babies that just stop living inside their moms. I know about babies that get hurt during birth. I wish I didn't know, but I do. And I wonder if she's staying in so long because something is going to happen.

I just want her out. And it's not because I'm "uncomfortable" or because I happened to pack an entire package of Oreos in my hospital bag since I haven't had a cookie in 4 months, or because I want to be able to sleep on my stomach again. It's because I am so. freaking. afraid. that she isn't going to make it to the outside.

I keep having these flashbacks. Ones I haven't had in a few months now. The major one that keeps popping up is up there with one of the worst moments in my life. Sophie had just been born, and they whisked her away so quickly to the NICU that we didn't get to see her. I was in the middle of pushing with Aiden when "some lady" (who I find out later was the neonatologist) comes in and says, "Sophie is not responding well. Do you want her baptised?"
She is frantic.
I am freaking pushing a baby out and I am telling you that I can't even fully register what she is saying to me. I looked at Brian, who just looked at me with these terrified eyes. And he answered slowly, "No, I don't think so. Thank you."

Later we talked about it. Neither of us could actually comprehend that what she was saying was Sophie was dying. As it turned out, she lived another 8 hours or so, and we were able to have her baptised, but the damage had been done. We had made one of those decisions where we just couldn't even know what was going on. Parenting decision number one and we had totally botched it. We just had no clue.

It bothers me that I keep flashing back to this, but I can't seem to escape it. I guess the fact is that I'm still terrified of birth. Sure, I've done it before, but this will be very different and I'm afraid. All I want is for labor to begin, but I'm terrified. I'm so scared they will tell me I need an emergency c-section. I don't care about having a c-section, it's the emergency part that scares me. I'm so scared that she'll start to get under distress. I'm scared something will happen that we don't know about.

My due date is Saturday. I have an appt Friday and we'll decide then what to do if I'm still pregnant. They won't let me go but a few days past 40 due to the GD, but those few days are insane for me. I know it's ok. I know it's ok. I know it's ok.

My goal for today is to find something to DO. Not just sit around, waiting for any little twinge and wondering if it is a sign of something. I was so glad for school to be over, but I am honestly bored now and I've watched so much tv and read so many books and we just don't have a ton of money to spend nor can we drive anywhere really-so I need a project. I was going to bake, but it's too hard for me to have that stuff in my house or anywhere near me when I can't eat it!

Love to you all :) Hoping my next post will be the one!

Dear Sophie and Aiden

2010-06-29T10:18:00.001-05:00

Dear Sophie and Aiden,

I am missing you so much. It's impossible for me to not think about what life would be like should you be here and not in Heaven. This past weekend was my favorite part of summer-a concert with the symphony and fireworks. Last year I was hurting so much-you had just left us and it was hard to be around all the happy families. It hurt this year, too-I watched all the little kids, wondering what it would be like to have two 1 year olds to take care of, instead of just me and daddy. I planned in my head what I would have to bring with me, maybe a wagon to ride in. Books to read, toys to play with. Your friend, Nelson, was there for the first time, and it made me so excited. He would have loved you, I know it! He didnt like the fireworks much, and I imagine you wouldn't have either.
This summer feels so weird. I hope you are getting ready to tell your sister to make her arrival in this world. I have a feeling you all know each other already. Daddy and I are waiting for her and just can't wait to meet her.
I am hoping that you understand how bad I've been feeling lately having to answer all sorts of questions and know that I don't want to lie. It is a lie to say that this baby is our first. She is not. Sophie, you are our first born, and forever will be. Aiden, you were next. But it just hurts so much when I mention you and people react in such a terrible, selfish way. The first two times someone asked, I said, "We have twins in Heaven." and both times the person just said, "Oh." and walked away.
Oh.
You don't deserve that. You're too important to me. I don't mean to lie, but I can't take the pain when they react this way. I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think that I'm forgetting you or that you are not counted in my family. You are, and forever will be.
There are so many things I wish I knew about you. As I get ready to meet your sister, it makes me think of how beautiful you were when you were born. I wish I could have seen the color of your eyes. I wish I had known what color your hair would be. Would you have looked like Daddy more, or me?
I wish I knew what your personality would have been like. What would you have been interested in? Daddy thinks definitely Aiden would have loved trains. And Soph, I bet for sure we would have read a lot of books together. I wish I could have read you books.
I'm trying my best to look forward and not behind. But sometimes I just am so sad. I don't understand why God had to take you back to Heaven and not let you grow up here. I'm so sorry that it was my body that failed you and couldn't keep you safe.
We miss you so much. Beyond belief. And a lot of people think that because your sister is coming, that all the pain is gone. But it's not, and it won't ever be. I will miss you always; no matter what. I will think of you everyday and love you. I will love your sister, too, of course, but you will always be my first two babies.
I love you.
Mommy

Hurt

2010-06-25T17:59:00.003-05:00

I don't think I'll ever get over how badly it hurts when people don't remember your babies.
I've been really stressed lately about going out in public because EVERY person is full of questions-starting with when are you due, then is it your first, and then tons of advice about how birth will go after I lie and say "Yes" because I'm too tired to say anything else. I act like such a bitch because I just do NOT want to have idle chit chat. Inevitably someone will ask "Are you sure there's just one in there?" which makes me just hurt so, so bad---I am more sure than they can ever know since I had to see a doctor just to make sure there was only one in there this time.
All of that, I can get over, though-it's when it's friends and family that don't acknowledge Sophie and Aiden that I just cry and cry.

Last night we were at my mother-in-law's. I had helped her order a new computer and we went over to help her set it up. So my husband was setting up bookmarks and things on her internet and he kept having to ask her passwords. Well, one password was "grandkids3" (my sister-in-law has 3 kids). She said, "We'll have to change that to grandkids4!" and grinned at me.
Brian, bless his heart, immediately said "6."
And she looked at him, dumbfounded and said "What?"
And so he repeated, "6."
And she looked at me and asked, "Is there something you're not telling me?"

I swear I wanted to punch her in the face. Ok, not literally, I'm not actually so violent, but the rage and hurt that went through me was unbelievable. I just said, "We already have 2 kids."
And I got up and walked out of the room (real mature, I know, but I went to cry in the bathroom).

No, you're right, we've been hiding the fact that we're having triplets. Um, do you remember SEEING your grandkids in the NICU last April?

I know, I need to get over it. Forgive her. Understand that she doesn't mean it. But how much could she really think about them if she needs reminding that they existed?

I need to get it together. I am ALL over the place. I keep seeing twins, the word twins, people talking about twins, everywhere-and I just have to be honest-I sometimes want to pretend that we are still going to have twins. That after all, maybe there is a boy hiding in there behind his sister. I'm a disaster.

38 weeks pregnant now, and freaking out that something is going to happen-I'm tired and soooo hormonal and I'm bored out of my mind since I'm not at work and I am just such a mess. Anyone with great advice on how to make it through these last few weeks? I tried yoga. Reading. Walking.

a;sfkjaslkfjasl;fl. I so promise I'm going to get it together. I'm going to get positive and come back here and post something positive, not begging you all for help.

p.s. I can't seem to be able to comment on anyone's blog for the last few days? I don't know what's going on...but I'm reading and trying to comment?

A moment

2010-06-18T20:54:00.002-05:00

My husband loves thunderstorms. He checks the radar constantly and will turn on his weather radio when one is getting close. He's not a storm chaser, by any means, but he does love a good summer storm. Here in Wisconsin, we have had a TON of rain, which is quite odd for what is typically a very dry and hot June.

Last night, there was a storm coming. He came downstairs, where I was laying, with my shoulder above my head and an ice pack on my back, feeling miserable and asked me if I wanted to come up and watch the storm. I definitely didn't want to-I was in pain and crabby, but he just had that look on his face and I couldn't say no.

So we popped popcorn, got our camping chairs and the dog and went out to sit on the deck.

The sky was insane with lightning-the wind was just starting to pick up a little, but was hot on our faces, and the sun was down. We sat out there for hours. Just talking. We reminisced about summer storms from when we were a kid, and talked about when the electricity would go out, and we laughed a lot. Told stories. Asked questions. We sat out there, in the calm-with the storm brewing and getting closer and I kept closing my eyes and just letting myself FEEL.

In my head, I talked to Aiden and Sophie, like I always do. I told them how much I missed them-and I wondered if they could see their mom and dad and the storm that was coming.

I felt completely at peace-if only for a few hours. I felt normal, and safe, and happy. I let the anxiety go and I let myself enjoy a moment with the man I love.

It felt so good-and it was a reminder that these moments are what we live for. I love the fact that there is still much about my husband that I don't know-that we still have stories to tell and things to talk about. I love hearing him tell stories. Really, I just love him. So much. And our life as of late has not stopped that, but it has prevented us from having moments like this.

It's one of those things that you can't re-create-it just is. I have to remember that although I lost so much-I still have so much to be thankful for. I have my family. Some of us just happen to be in Heaven. And as much as I hate it, that's how it is.

ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

2010-06-14T18:44:00.004-05:00

Ok, I need to vent.

You should not probably even read this because I am going to sound ungrateful and annoying and whiney, but I just need to vent.

I am in SO.MUCH.PAIN. And it's got really nothing at all to do with pregnancy-I have no idea what it is, but there is a pain underneath my left shoulder blade and it is absolutely excruciating. It feels like someone is stabbing me and twisting, twisting, twisting. I'm going on day 3 of it and nothing makes it better. Laying down, walking, stretching, heat, cold, tylenol, it just hurts ALL the time. I can't stop crying because it just hurts.

Today I went to work, knowing that I shouldn't, but honestly, it was a day for extra pay and we could use the money. It was a district wide thing and so there were teachers from all over the district, a lot of people that I know but haven't necessarily seen in a while. Here's my favorite conversation of the day:

Colleague" When is your due date?"

Me: July 10th.

Colleague "Congratulations! Just one this time?"

Me: Yep.

Stranger from in front of me "Just one this time? Does that mean you had more than one?"

Colleague: Gets pained look on face. "Oh, Christy. I'm so sorry. That came out wrong. That just came out totally wrong."

Me: It's fine. (to stranger) I had twins last spring but they died after they were born.

Stranger: I am so sorry. It's just a part of life, I guess. I think we all go through it.

REALLY? You've been through it? You've held your two babies as they GASP FOR AIR as they slowly die? We all go through that?

Seriously I just try SO HARD to let this stuff go. I try so hard to just deal with it and move on and not let it ruin my day. But I'm in so much pain and I have SO much anxiety about this baby's birth and how it will go and it's all just so much. I've just been crying all day :( My poor husband just doens't even know what to do. And he had to spend the day cleaning out his childhood home with his mother-making decisions about what to do with his dad's stuff (he died last year of lung cancer). He came home sad and nostalgic; he doesn't need to deal with my craziness!

Yesterday we went to a nearby town to have lunch with friends and we needed to get back to go to a graduation party of a student of both Brian's and mine, who happens to live right next door to us! So we pull in the garage and I look over and it's my really close friend, who has been really absent lately (and I have really, really needed her). I was really kind of hurt that she came to a party next door to my house and didn't even call to see if we were going or to say hi. So she barely said anything to me and then had to go. I just hate it when things change and I don't even know why...and it just makes me sad.

At my doctor appointment, she asked me what my plans were for birth control after the baby is born. I told her I wanted to talk to my husband. I asked him, and he said, "Well, how long will we have to wait before we can have a brother for baby?"

I just love him for being so excited. And I have no idea how I feel about it or how long it will be or what I even want, but what I do know is I need a break.

All around, I am just at my end. I am grateful for SO MANY things, but I am just so ready to meet this little girl-I know that all I wanted for so long was to be pregnant, but it's just taking a toll on me emotionally and physcially. Please don't misunderstand, I am still so, so thankful. I just am hurting and so hormonal and emotional. ARGH.

Anxiety vs. Gut Instinct???

2010-06-06T08:13:00.003-05:00

When I was pregnant with the twins, I was always nervous. I was always afraid that something would go wrong--to some extent. I have to say I was very blissfully ignorant for the most part, and even when my water broke I had NO idea that something like that could even happen.

Before our very first ultrasound (when we found out it was twins) I woke up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding. I was BEYOND nervous, but I didn't know for what. I mean, I knew about miscarriage, but I didn't realize the statistics behind early pregnancy and how amazing it was that we got to see two heartbeats that day.

Each doctor appointment, I would get so nervous and everyone would ask me why-and all I could say is that my heart would start to pound out of control and I could barely breathe.

I had no idea how absolutely lucky I was that my twins kept growing, with healthy heartbeats. That I never had a single drop of blood. That I had no cramps. That I didn't throw up. I didn't get it-I was nervous, but for what?

Eventually, after the "big" ultrasound, when they told me that everything looked great, I started to relax a little. I will admit that if I LOOK for it, I can remember back to things that didn't feel exactly right-but I will say that I never ONCE thought in my brain "Oh, these babies might die. They might not come home with me." Never. How could I?

This time is so different. I have been VERY well aware of all the things that can go wrong. I was SURE I would have an early miscarriage. When that didn't happen, I had severe, severe anxiety throughout the entire second trimester, thinking that my water would break prematurely again. They never gave me a reason for it, so it could be a "fluke" (I hate that word beyond belief) or it could be something that was just undiagnosed.

Now, late in my third trimester, I am terrified of stillbirth. I am afraid that one day I will just stop feeling her. That I don't feel enough kicks (she is a relatively un-active baby, overall) and that when she moves a lot, that is a bad sign. I worry about hiccups. I worry that I have an infection I don't know about. I worry she'll get hurt during birth.

And most days, I can take a deep breath, and I can calm myself down and realize that while, yes, these are definite possibilities and that I know these things happen, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it (short of being VERY aware of my body and what is going on ) and I can usually calm myself down.

And then there are some days where I think---do I have that nagging feeling again? Is this just anxiety? Or do I actually "know" something, deep down, like I did last time? Is it my gut telling me that something is going to go wrong?

Can that even happen?

Or is it just normal anxiety of a pregnant woman after loss?

School's OUT!!!!!!

2010-06-04T18:55:00.003-05:00

Ok, so last year I was very excited for school to be out because I was at home, alone, grieving, and more than anything I needed Brian to be home with me. It was the loneliest, saddest time I've ever experienced and waiting for school to be done was excruciating.

This year, it was more like a milestone for us. I have to say that I feel like I have been pregnant forever. I mean, there were 6 months in between, but I just feel like this pregnancy has been forever. There's just a month to go, but I think (read: hope) that month will go quickly now that school is over. I just am so glad that I have this next month at home to hang out with my husband, get ready for the baby, put finishing touches on the house and relax. And I pretty much don't sleep anymore, so it'll be nice to be able to just get up in the night when I can't sleep instead of lying there trying to pretend like I can fall back asleep. And then I can nap during the day :)

I had my 35 week doctor appointment today. Blood pressure good. Weight gain 7 pounds total since the beginning of pregnancy. Blood sugars good. Measuring exactly 35 weeks. She found the heartbeat on the doppler instantly, which is glorious. Filled out a "birth plan" (which is kind of a joke to me-how about the plan is have the baby born healthy and I don't care at ALL how that happens) and pre-registered for the hospital.

This is nuts. It feels so close and so far.

Oh, and here's a picture for you of my loot :) We were seriously SPOILED by our co-workers---and my fur-baby, Louis, is seriously jealous.

29

2010-05-31T19:02:00.003-05:00

Today, I turned 29 years old. It was, as usual, a little bittersweet-I mean, I was trying to make it a good day, and it was. My husband got me a Nook from Barnes and Noble! I love it :) We went to lunch (low carb, of course, stupid diabetes), went to see Shrek in 3-D, came back and I caught up on some scrapbooking. I made dinner and then we put a bunch of baby stuff together. I have pictures but I'm too nervous to put them up.

The hard parts were 1) missing Aiden and Sophie 2) being really broken up about Courtney losing her little baby Wyatt and 3) just being so nervous about little Baby A (we have a name, but keeping it semi-secret for the time being!).

Anyway, things have just been getting tough lately. My blood sugar has been getting a little wacky, even though I am following the diet to an extreme-I obsess over it. I've only had 2 or 3 elevated numbers, but it freaks me out and then I'm convinced I'm hurting the baby. I'm supposed to be under 140 one hour after eating, and the other night I ate hardly any carbs at all and got a 140. I cried for like 3 hours. Have I mentioned that stress and negativity raise your blood sugar? I've got to get it together. I can feel those hormones creeping in...

I've let myself get excited-tomorrow, actually, I have a baby shower at school. It's the last week (Friday I'll be 35 weeks and done with school! woot!) and so I gave in and I've actually been looking forward to it. But then I think about it, and I'm not safe yet. I need to just believe that she is going to make it. I can't let myself believe anything else, no matter what happens. No matter what. She deserves my faith in her. It's just that I can barely even read the LFCA anymore, because I just don't want to think about or know what else can go wrong.

I saw somewhere that Sally had made a comment on a post that although are odds are so much better, she really saw them as 50/50 for her. Live or Die. I so feel this. I know the odds of something not going right now are sooo slim. But we've been there/done that with those odds. We are the statistic. We have been. And having a prior loss doesn't mean we're safe.

At any rate, I'm hanging in there. I've got the nursery pretty much put together, and after I see what we receive from our fantastic co-workers tomorrow I'll be going to get whatever other "must haves" for when she arrives. We have an appointment to get the car seats installed (yikes!!!) and finally at the end of last week we met with Human Resources to take care of my maternity leave and B's paternity leave next fall. We decided I'll take the first 12 weeks off and he'll take the 4 after that, so that she won't have to go to daycare until after Christmas break. It stinks because we work for the same school district, so for those 4 weeks since our FMLA is actually used up, I'll be taking a slight cut on some of my benefits. The only reason he's able to take any time at all is because most of my leave will be unpaid, since I used all my sicks days for Aiden and Sophie after they were born.

Anyway, all this planning is good and makes me feel productive, but scares the bejeebers outta me. You can plan all you want, but things just don't always happen as they should. Praying that they will.

Keeping Courtney close in my thoughts...not understanding what in the world is wrong with the Universe...

Wyatt River

2010-05-31T10:25:00.001-05:00

Please, please go and send love and prayers to my friends Courtney and Jason. Their third son, Wyatt River was born this morning at just 23 weeks gestation and joined his twin brothers, Logan and Brody, in Heaven.

I just am overcome by the sadness and unfairness of it all. I will never, ever, ever understand.

In the name of optimism

2010-05-24T18:08:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to share that we painted and put together the nursery furniture this weekend.

It was slightly terrifying. And fun. And strange. And exciting.

It's beautiful and I love it. I hope she gets to use it and love it, too.

I'm gaining on 34 weeks here. Pregnancy ticker says like 45 days or something like that.

I'm begging the universe---please, please.

In other news, in case you don't have facebook, Bree had her rainbow baby Nora on Saturday! She's here and healthy and ABSOLUTELY beautiful-send her some love!!

I just wish I knew.

2010-05-17T16:10:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been thinking so much about what Aiden and Sophie would have been like.

I stare at my middle schoolers and wonder if Aiden would have been funny like that, or quiet like that, or if Sophie would have been interested in art or music.

I wonder which of my qualities they would've gotten and which of Brian's. I wonder what color their hair would have been. I wish I could have seen their eyes. I wish I would've not been so scared to touch them. I wish I would've unwrapped their blankets and looked at their tiny feet and hands. Kissed them more and felt all their little toes and fingers.

I just wish I knew.

I know there's no sense in looking back. In paying attention to the what ifs. What should have been. What could have been. But sometimes it's so hard not to think about it.

I miss them. And it's hard to miss somebody that you never *really* knew, right? In all the books about grief and grieving, they tell you that you should focus on happy memories, reminisce about the good times. Share stories.

There were no stories to reminisce about. 23 weeks and 3 days of knowing they were with me, a part of me, is not long enough. It's not nearly long enough.

I'm just sad. I know to focus on the forward, but sometimes it's just so hard.

Can't Stop

2010-05-11T21:02:00.003-05:00

I can't stop wishing.

I can't stop dreaming.

I can't stop being so terrified.

Today is May 11th. Exactly 2 months or 60 days until my due date.

All I can think is-what if?

What if I get to bring her home with me?

What if I get to be someone's mommy here on Earth?

I just have so many dreams. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't wait to just walk her around the block. Take her with me to Target. I want to talk to her. Read to her. I want to be responsible for her OUTSIDE of my stupid body that doesn't seem to get it right.

I want to plan mini trips. Pack her diaper bag. Figure out what makes her laugh and smile.

I have no idea how to take care of a baby. I mean, I know some things, but I have no experience. No little siblings, I only baby-sat for toddlers and up.

But I'm so desperate for this. So scared that I've come this far and that it's all going to be ripped away from me.

I want to see my husband's face when she comes out crying. I want to watch him hold her and speak to her and hug her and kiss her.

I want my mom to be able to buy things for her without me freaking out. I want to let all the people that love me shower her with love. I want all the people that have supported me over the past year be able to share in this joy with me.

I am so scared. 60 more days. How does it seem so far away and yet so close?

March of Dimes Walk 2010

2010-05-09T14:20:00.001-05:00

It was a great day :) We were the top fundraising family for our area! The director came to talk to me and asked if he could share our story as the "face of the event" for next year's walk, which is amazing!

The weather wasn't that great, but everyone hung in there. It felt so good to do something for and in honor of Sophie and Aiden. Hoping that even our $2,000 can help another family NOT have to go through what we went through.

My favorite part of the day was right after the balloon release. We watched the balloons float up, up and away-and as soon as they were out of sight, we saw this:

which was literally the ONLY time that day the sun had come out :) I choose to believe that it was a sign from Heaven that they got the message.

We also let butterflies free. I got them donated from a charity organization and it was amazing to release new life into the world on a day like that.

ups and downs

2010-05-05T16:48:00.002-05:00

Honestly, I think I should just title every post ups and downs. I just feel like I am on this huge amusement park ride-one second I am feeling so amazingly happy and the next I am feeling lower than low.

Last night I went to a class at my hospital called "Basics of Baby Care." I really went back and forth about signing up for any classes-I didn't know if I could handle it and I thought maybe I could get the same from a book. So, anyway, I didn't think ahead-I just knew it was "5th floor hospital." So I get off the elevator, and I'm staring at the NICU. How could I have blocked that out? I'm on the labor and delivery floor. I saw this picture on the wall of three babies.

This picture brought me RIGHT back, lightning speed-I had a horrible, horrible, flashback.

Sophie wasn't doing well and I was standing by her isolette when all of the sudden things started flashing and instantly there were 20 people standing around. The only thing I could think of to do (and I am ashamed of this) was get the hell out of there. So I told my husband to push me (I was in a wheelchair) and we ran back to our room. As we came out of the NICU I saw that picture and remember thinking my babies would never look like that. As soon as we got to my room, the NICU doctor was there saying-you need to come back, Christy-you need to come back.

I didn't want to go back-mainly because I thought if I didn't go, then it couldn't be true. She couldn't be dying. She asked if I wanted to hold her and I said no. My mom pushed me to do it, and of course I am glad she did now, but at the time I was just so....freaked out.

Anyway, I stood outside the classroom, crying, trying to talk myself into going in.

Then once I got in, of course there was talk of twins and then the instructor said, "I have a treat for you! We are bringing in a one day old baby for me to demonstrate how to give a bath".

I got dizzy.

Ugh.

So, anyway, we watched the bath (and honeslty, this baby was SO SO SO adorable-and I couldn't believe how big and strong he looked at only one day old) and practiced diapers on our dolls and had someone come to show us how to hook up the carseat.

As we were leaving, my husband said, "ohmygosh we have to get STUFF! I need to get that carseat installed! I need to get the crib together!"

Ugh.

So then today I had my first appointment with Dr. B. It was SO amazing. I told her all my fears and she listened-she looked at my blood sugar and said so far I'm definitely controlling it with diet and so don't need to take any medication/insulin, which is great!-she let me listen to the heartbeat for a loooong time-and when I told her about my situation with the class last night, she canceled my breastfeeding class and also got me a one on one lesson on that with a lactation consultant and a one on one lesson about childbirth. I'm still at only 7 pounds weight gain, and my blood pressure was great :)

I just love her. I'm so, so thankful. We talked about picking a pediatrician for the baby, and I asked if we could just use her since she's a family doctor, and she said "Absolutely!" with a big grin.

Then I got a message that our new couches are coming tomorrow already, and we're SO close to our $2,000 goal for the walk this weekend, and my 8th graders were super well behaved :)

So, yeah. Ups and Downs.

Scared and Happy.

This has to be boring for you to read-please forgive me-I feel like I have the exact same thing to say every single time-I just need to get it down.

Thinking of you all,

Christy :)

New but Old

2010-05-02T20:36:00.006-05:00

I love, love, love my new house. But the last few days have been sort of strange. I wasn't sad to leave my old house-none of the good memories I have of the twins were there-I mean, I was pregnant there, but somehow that part of this seems so far removed-it's interesting.

This whole experience has been pulling at my emotions. For one, I know we would not be doing this with one year old twins. We wouldn't need to, but honestly we wouldn't have wanted to. My old house was just fine-I mean, it was a starter home/a duplex, and we knew we wanted to move eventually, but we would have stayed. So it's weird to think about that.

Secondly, with every feeling of happiness, there are those moments of grief. I literally haven't let myself have a second to even think because I'm worried that I will break down. This house makes me so happy-I'm ready to make new memories and I love my husband so much-and it's been really comforting to find places for the babies lives in this house. Here is our mantel piece with their angels:

And their table with their memory box which is in our bedroom:

I also received a gift card for their birthday from some of my friends for a nearby nursery, so we are going to pick out a special tree (finally!) for our yard and then we can put their stones and outside angels near it, too.

Honestly, the worst part about this was moving their memory box and their hand and foot molds. I was TERRIFIED I would break their molds-I wouldn't let anyone touch their box. There was one night during all of this that we were "homeless" and I stressed out SO much---do I leave the box in the car, or do I walk into someone else's house carrying my babies urns???? I ended up bringing them in with me, just the urns, but just put them in one of my bags and didn't say anything about it. I felt sort of crazy worrying about leaving their "ashes" alone. I mean, I know that's not them-----ugh. Anyway, it's over. They're "safe" now here in their special spot.

On a different note, in the midst of all of this, I met with a diabetes educator to learn how to use a meter and checked in with a nutritionist. Here is what I find interesting: the diabetes educator talked with me for a long time about how stress can raise your blood sugar. I told her my history and asked her if she thought that could have anything to do with it? She said that absolutely-she'd be interested in my blood sugars OUTSIDE of the hospital since that what triggers me. Now, don't worry-I'm keeping with this diet no matter what and not changing anything, but I've tested 3 times a day since Wednesday and I haven't had a blood sugar higher than 111. You can be up to 140! When I tested at the hospital, one hour after eating a whole wheat english muffin, it was 143. Ate that same english muffin here and an hour later was 101. Last night I ate pizza-which is pretty high in carbs (not terrible, but higher than my alloted 50-60 for supper) just to see what happens and it was 113 an hour later. It's brought my spirits up a LOT because I feel like I'm not hurting the baby at least, and I'm glad to know always what my blood sugar is. Like I said-not going to say, oh, I'm fine, eat what I want-but my huge stressing fear since the lady said "stillbirth" to me has mostly gone.

Well, I am sooooooo tired. I just wanted to send a little update. I'll leave you with a few more pics of the new house :) Happy International Mother's Day :)

The house:

The kitchen:

The future nursery (please, please, please).

oh, and a peek into how "organized" (read: over the top!) I am:

Ridiculous

2010-04-27T19:30:00.003-05:00

Right now, I feel like everything is just plain ridiculous. I am ridiculous. When I stop and think-really think-about the worries that I have right now-I feel insane. Almost like I don't even know who I really am.

I'm stressed because our realtor is not communicating well with us right now and the move is getting so close and I'm afraid something will go wrong.

I'm nervous because of the GD and tomorrow I have to learn how to use a meter to test my blood sugar. I'm nervous that I'm hurting the baby.

I'm worried because in two weekends it is our March of Dimes walk and I don't know how I'll handle it emotionally and it's right next to Mother's Day, which I wish I could just ignore except I just love my mom so much.

And, really, I'm stressed about stuff? About buying stuff.

Stuff.

This baby can have stuff. Or she can't. Right? If I have it here when she's born, great. If I don't, great. If I have the stuff and the baby dies, then I get rid of it. It's just money. Right?

I mean, I wish that were right. I wish "stuff" didn't matter. But I just remember how badly that stuff hurt to have, to look at. How badly it hurt to find to-do lists and cancel classes and orders. To take the cribs apart and watch the excited parents come to buy our stuff off of a classified ad. To fold up the tiny clothes and put them in boxes knowing they never got to wear any of it.

But the thing is, I write a blog post like the last one and only a few people comment, and I know that I'm shutting people out. Only other lost baby moms that are pregnant commented. Am I reading too much into it? I don't think so. I worry that I'm worried about things that are offending other people who I just want to support :(

And then I think. I AM RIDICULOUS.

I need to relax. Stop worrying. Try to have hope. Do what I can do and nothing more. Have a shower or don't. Order it or don't.

I think there comes a point when you are worried about worrying too much and then you need to say, WHOA! You are going to make it through this.

So, the things is-moving will go fine. I've got the GD under control with diet so far (at least I think I do) and if I don't, I'll do whatever it takes to keep this baby safe and not too big.

I'll make a decision about a baby shower and I'll order the things that I want, and I will nest for this baby and do the things that make me happy.

And the common thread in all of this-it wouldn't be this hard except I miss Sophie and Aiden so.damn.much.

I just miss them. I just keep wishing, wishing that they were here. And that brings us right down to the point-the grief is always there. No matter what-it's at the fundamental basis of whatever is going on. Whatever you're worried about seems to be compounded by grief. Because it's not only "I've got GD," it's "I've got GD and my babies are dead."

I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I can't let all this anxiety knock me down. I need to try to stay positive. And I'm writing this because I think it will help me to state it and stick to it.

I can do this.

I can make it through this.

I can handle having hope and living with grief at the same time.

I'm so close now-30 weeks.

I can do this.

I can.

Let's Wait

2010-04-26T12:51:00.002-05:00

So, we are all packed. Ready to go. Every thing from my house save for the big furniture and the clothes I'll need for Tuesday and Wednesday of work is packed, labeled, and in the garage waiting for the movers. The cupboards are cleaned out and the carpets cleaned and we.are.ready. Just so ready.
I can't wait to be in our new house. I can't wait to feel like something in my life has re-started, something I've been looking forward to!

So, anyway, last night I was sitting in bed with my laptop looking through nursery beddding. Something I know you don't need. It's like the least important thing that you need for a baby, probably. But I looooooove looking through it and dreaming. Dreaming of the nursery. I made a little registry and put all of the furniture that I want on it (white!). As I was looking there, I felt the strongest urge to just...order it. Order something. I was on Amazon, so I also had some books in my cart (introducing baby to dog, some books about birth) and with the nursery bedding it came to like 300 dollars or so. We have a lot of baby money saved up, and I thought....well, why not? I mean, really, why not? I had said I wouldn't buy anything until we moved, but I'm past 29 weeks now, and it will get there after we're in the new house, and....so I got it all ready and prouldly turned to my husband and said, "Babe! Guess what? Look at the nursery bedding I'm going to order!"
He looked at me and honestly, he looked terrified. And then he said, "I thought we were waiting until we moved?"
And I said, "Well, I thought that this was close enough?"
And he just said, "I think we should wait."

I was so not expecting this. It just crumbled me. I was so excited and proud that I was going to take that step-I don't know. I honestly don't know if it was because of the money-if it was because he just thought I should stick to what I said-or if he really still feels as scared as I do. But I was afraid to ask. Usually, I just will-I'm pretty up front communication wise.

But instead, I cried myself silently to sleep, wondering if he was going through all the ways this baby could still die before she is born. I started to hate myself for the gestational diabetes that I may or may not have. I thought about her movement and that maybe I'm not feeling enough and should be going into L & D. Wondering if he had some sort of gut feeling that something is going to go wrong that I don't have.

How can I be so happy and sure one second and after "Let's wait" I'm back into that pit, falling, falling, falling? Darkness, despair.

This is insane. Honestly. I'm pretty sure I read that in your third trimester those crazy hormones come back, and I'm pretty sure that I've got them---

Up/Down

2010-04-21T12:42:00.003-05:00

Ok, first the up:

I came back from a horrible doctor's appointment (see below for the "down") and there was a package in the mail for me. It was simply the MOST perfect timing and the MOST beautiful, beautiful necklace from Nan and Tina. It came from Mama Mia Custom Hand Stamped Jewelry, Tina's Etsy shop and is a gorgeous heart necklace with Sophie and Aiden's name on it. I just can't even tell you how getting something in the mail with your babies' names on it lifts you right up and gives you so much comfort.
I will post a pic tonight when I get home, but thank you so, so, so much girls :) Here it is:

Now the down (which is kinda up now):

I had my first appointment with the regular OB on Monday. My peri kicked me out, remeber? Told me how I was just a "normal" pregnant lady now and he couldn't see me anymore. So my initial reaction was to go back to Dr. B, who was my family doctor and had seen me in my pregnancy until we found out it was twins and saw me concurrently with Dr. P. But I had *just* gotten a letter in the mail that she was taking her practice down to half time for two years to work on a big project at the hospital. So, without knowing what to do, I chose Dr. D, who happened to be on call and so delivered our twins.
So, anyway, I get there and she's filling out her info sheet and asking me all these questions (that she could have looked right at the computer to get, but whatev-) and the starts looking at things. So first, she's like, so how is this pregnancy going?
Well, in my mind, it's going GREAT compared to the last, right? I mean, honestly-I have nothing to complain about.
So she says, let's talk about your gestational diabetes. This stopped me right away, because Dr. P's office told me I don't actually have it, but I was close, so I should go on the diet anyway. So I tell her this and she said, "Nope. You have it. And I don't know why you don't have a meter." She then describes all the really scary complications with GD (yes, she used the term stillbirth-which is something that happens when you have horrendous blood sugars that are completely NOT under control-and it's an increased risk, not a sure thing). WEll, I start to get very unsettled. So then she starts talking about how my blood pressure has been high-well, in the beginning. So, I say-ok, well, Dr.P never mentioned anything about that?
So then she says, well, let's just look at how much weight you've gained this pregnancy...
Now, seriously-if ANYone was going to get on my case about weight, it would have been Dr. P. I've gained-ready-7 pounds. Seven. WHATEVER.
So I mention to her that I get extremly anxious before doctor appointments and when I test my blood pressure at home or walmart, it seems to be normal. Also, if they test before and after I've heard a heartbeat/seen an ultrasound it goes back down.
So she says that her theory is that if "those kinda things" can make my blood pressure go up, then the guy that cuts you off on the road, and the annoying middle schooler can do it, too.
I just---don't---agree! I have PTSD! Middle schoolers don't trigger that! Bad driving doesn't trigger that! (ok, but I have had road rage before, not saying I'm innocent of that). So I'm just getting fed up and honestly, a little weepy, and she says-well, wait a minute.
She leaves me sitting there like a moron and goes to get "Jean" who is apparently a "care coordinator" for those "women like me" that have "problem pregnancies", etc.
I was so. pissed. off. She was so annoying-overly cheery and tilted her head and asked me about my "loss" and could she call me later in the week and see how I was doing?

Now, I don't want to seem unreasonable. I seem to remember complaining in the beginning that Dr. P wasn't appealing enough to my emotional side. But this? This was patronizing.

So she went ahead w/out my permission and added an appointment with her along with every appointment I have with the doctor.

I was fuming. THEN they took me in for "28 week" education, which consisted of a nurse, reading to me out of the stupid binder that they give everyone (not really stupid, but I'm mad) about what to look for in "preterm labor." She went on and on about how to know when your water breaks.

AHEM. Been there, done that. Pprom. Preterm labor. It was so horrible to sit there and listen to her read off the symptoms.

So, anyway, I stewed about it all day yesterday and then last night I sent a text to Dr. B (my original doctor-whom I love-who stayed in the NICU with me and rubbed my shoulders while Aiden took his last breaths) called me right back and pretty much demanded I come back to her practice-that she would make the time. I instantly felt so much better! That lady just RILED me up!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, that got long-I think I just needed to type it all out for people that I know might get it, rather than my friends, who say- well, um, she was just trying to be nice? Thanks for "listening". :)

Busy!

2010-04-18T17:18:00.005-05:00

What a CRAZY few weeks it has been. I honestly some days just don't know what is up and down. It's been very strange because while I love my job, relaxing is not a word I would use to describe it-and going to work has been my most relaxing time!

Now, I've also been taking it easy, so don't worry about that. Frankly, at 28 weeks pregnant, I don't have a choice-my body makes me take breaks :)
I also have had to be very careful because I actually tested borderline for gestational diabetes. I passed the 3 hour test, but one of the four I was right on the number you have to be below, so they want me to go on the American Diabetes Association Diet. I don't have to test my blood sugar or worry about insulin or anything at this point, but I'm counting carbs. I would like to say that EVERY FOOD EVER ON THIS PLANET has carbs in it. And a lot of them. Yeesh. I can have like a slab of meat or some cheese. And alllll the things I've been craving are very, very full of carbs! But, I know it's good in the long run, and today I found ice cream bars by Breyers that only have 5g of carbs in them...so I was considering eating 10 of them for dinner (hehe).

Anyway, we move in less than two weeks-this weekend we packed and packed and packed and we are getting really close to being on track. We took care of all our utilities and started making to-do lists. The highlight of my weekend was going to Target and finally getting the new bathroom supplies I've been coveting (new shower curtain, towels, rugs, pretty garbage can and even a shiny nickel toilet bowl brush holder). It doesn't take much to get me excited! The one thing that I did buy that made me really sweat was we needed a shower curtain for the extra bathroom upstairs---i.e. the "kid" bathroom. I thought I should just leave it alone for now...and then I saw the most adorable shower curtain-it had waves and fish and a cute fishy rug and fishy shower curtain hooks----and on impulse I just bought it. I felt weird after, but I bought it anyway. I guess fish don't have to mean kids, so we could leave it either way?

I am struggling so much with believing this is really happening. In 8 weeks I will be considered full term. EIGHT weeks. Tomorrow I meet my new OB-finally-I made this appointment 3 weeks ago and I've been going nuts waiting for it! Thankfully, little babe has been moving around a ton and constantly reassuring me that all is ok. When we move, I will be 30 weeks pregnant. This has been my deadline/cut-off- once we move and are settled in I think I'm going to make a registry. And maybe buy a carseat/stroller, and some necessities. Other rainbow moms out there-how do you do this without feeling like you are tempting fate? I know it's different for everyone, but did you have a shower the second time around? I just am getting to the point where I can really feel the hope for all of this coming in.....and my type A personality is tugging at me to make lists and read consumer reports and I don't know, figure out how to take care of a baby?? I did take the plunge and sign up for two classes-a breastfeeding class and a basics of baby care class-for the end of May. They are easy enough to cancel, I figured. I feel like I'm getting closer to being ready for this. I've been actually walking through the baby section at Target (ok, once-but that's a big step!) and it makes me so happy and want to cry at the same time. I think deep down I know buying things can't make my baby die. But...well, you know. You all get it.

Yesterday morning we got to sleep in and I was very excited for this. I did get awakened at about 3 a.m. and this time, not by the dog! I was lying on my side and baby girl was doing I think yoga or perhaps Zumba in my belly (trying to be more athletic than her mom, I'd say). It was hysterical to just lay there and watch my belly stretch and move like there was an alien inside. Being less than 24 weeks when I delivered the twins, I never had anything like that happen. I just laid there thinking, "Oh my god, this makes me SO happy. Just so, so happy." And then I wondered when it would go away. When someone would take it away-because somehow happiness is only short term.

I also, who knows why, watched an episode of 16 and pregnant today. Um, hello, Christy-what are you doing? So the thing is, it was actually amusing-until they got to the birth scene. I just totally lost it and started sobbing hysterically. Will not be adding that to my Tivo.

Ok, sorry this post has been so long and rambling! I just wanted to check in. Here is a picture of me yesterday right before a friend's wedding (can you tell we're moving by the background???):

I look huge!!!!!!

One Year

2010-04-13T09:26:00.001-05:00

I miss you more than I could ever, ever be able to say.
I love you.
Happy 1st birthday in Heaven, sweet Aiden and Sophie.

April

2010-04-11T19:24:00.004-05:00

It's over; they're gone.
It was a great experience-and thankfully, the woman who was with us knows our story and was really understanding about things. At this particular time, though, I'm really glad to have our house back-I just need some time alone.

I'm going through a strange phase right now. This entire time, all I've wanted to do is talk about the babies. Lately, though, I just don't want to talk about it out loud, with anyone except my husband. I mean-getting support is nice-essential, really-and I like knowing that people know how much I'm hurting and that they're thinking about me-but aloud, in person, I think for right now I've reached my threshold. It's hard to explain, really. But I'm just so....tired. Tired of it all. Tired of hurting. Tired of questions. Tired of analyzing. Tired of feeling. Tired of waiting, waiting for this moment to come and go. I just wish I was normal.
I wish no one had to think about me. I wish I wasn't this broken person that everyone had to think about all the time and worry about and worry that they aren't doing enough for me.
I know you'll all insist that I'm not, but I'm tired of being a burden.
I'm just tired.
I want to remember Sophie and Aiden on their special day-I want to be thankful that they were ever here instead of so sad that they are gone. But it's hard. Impossible, really. I'm just so sad. I'm just so jealous. I just can't stop wondering why I couldn't keep them safe. All of those "WHY? WHY?" are popping back into my head-the ones that there were in the initial stages of grief.

I want Tuesday to be over with-I want to know that I have survived this year-and when I didn't think I could survive a day, or a week-I did, and more.

My brain is having such a hard time with this anniversary while at the same time worrying endlessly about the new life that's inside of me. .

Honestly, all this, on top of working, moving, planning the March of Dimes walk-it's too much. I feel like I'm sinking. I know I'll get through, we always do. I've pretty much proven to myself, that no matter what it is, I can get through (with help, of course). But I wish it were over. I wish it were June 4th. We'd be settled into our new home and school would be over and I could just get ready for this baby and relax a little (ideally).

Well, really, this is all jumbling together and I cannot think coherently, so I am going to stop writing. Just wanted to get some of this down and let everyone know I'm still around :) I've been reading along with you and sending love and prayers and positive energy.

Easter

2010-04-04T16:29:00.000-05:00

Last year, Easter day (although it was almost two weeks later in the year calendar wise) was the last day I was pregnant.
That night I started feeling pressure, and the next morning was in full blown labor.
I'm somehow afraid it's going to happen again.

I thought it would be good to have the French visitors here to keep me busy leading up to the babies' birthday, but honestly-I need to lay around, and mope, and cry my heart out, and I can't. And that's hard-really, really hard. :(

Unsure

2010-03-28T12:54:00.003-05:00

Right now, I am so very unsure about everything.
I got very good news on Friday. This good news puts me in so many places-happy that I got it, grateful for it, excited-but at the same time I'm not very ready to believe it and it also makes me feel guilty for hearing it when so many of you are struggling so much. I guess, the thing is-I need to just be thankful for good news, believe it as much as I can-and let that hope sit within me to help me through. I think it's good to be hopeful. I think having some of this anxiety go away would be good.
But letting my guard down and saying-oh, everything is going to be perfect-is not really an option right now. I would feel so foolish to let myself go there again!
Anyway, an update, I suppose:
Went to the peri on Friday. He measured my cervix for the 4th time-he's been doing it every 2 weeks, I am 25 weeks at this point. It was over 4.17, so really quite good. He pushed down hard and it didn't budge. I had the BEST. sonographer. EVER this time-she was so nice and thoughtful and as soon as Dr. P left she took out the "dildo cam" and said, "Hey, since you had to go through that, do you want a peek at your baby?" I was SO excited-Brian was there, too, so he go to see. She was squirming around like crazy-she's currently breech, but supposedly she has plenty of time to change.
Then we had our normal appt with Dr. P. He said that we are stopping the ultrasounds-everything looks great. Then he said, "We need to change gears here and stop talking about premature birth and start talking about normalcy, because that is what we are dealing with. You need to start thinking full term."
My heart started pounding and my ears were doing this weird buzzing thing-I know this is good, but I knew what was next. Yep, he broke up with me. He said that he wanted me to pick a regular OB to see for the rest of the pregnancy. He'd love to keep me, but I would be taking up precious appointment time that ladies that really need it couldn't get. I understand-I totally, totally do-but I am so scared!
Then, he said-in his usual Dr. P way, "Well, hey, maybe you'll get lucky and get hypertension or something and then you'll be back!"
Ha, ha.
Anyway, I really had no OB to go to-I saw a fam practice doctor before the twins, so I picked the only name I could think of, which is a woman doctor who happened to be on call the day I delivered the twins. She was very kind and at least she'd know my story and had delivered my other two babies.
So, I guess, that's it-no more high risk pregnancy for me.
This is such a weird feeling. He told me it would happen and that he thought it would. But I guess I always in the back of my mind thought something would go wrong. At one of these appointments, my cervix would have shortened drastically or whatever. But, in reality, he just thinks it was an infection that caused my pprom.
A god damned infection. Killed my babies. I will never get over this.
Tomorrow, the 29th, will make a year ago that I went to bed, rolled over, and my water broke. I hate this day. I dread this day. My anxiety is mounting and I want to sleep the day away.

Wednesday, our French visitors come so I am going to be super busy and probably away from here-I'll read at school when I can, but if I don't comment a lot, know that I am reading and thinking of you. I'm sure I'll make the time to do it whenever I can. Today I went and got $200 worth of groceries. It's so fun but nervewracking to cook for someone from a different country-ahhhhhhhhhh!

I know I don't deserve it, but please keep us in your thoughts still. There's so much time for something to go wrong and while I am thinking SO positively, I'm still terrified (which I know is stupid).

Love and hugs!
xoxo

The "Old Christy"

2010-03-23T10:07:00.003-05:00

So, yesterday I sent an e-mail to my friends at work talking about our plans for Thursday night (to see a chick flick and go to dinner) and one of the replies said, "Can I just say that I am SO glad to see our old Christy back!?"

Wait, what?

This sent me reeling. What does this mean? I re-read the e-mail a bunch of times. How am I back? What did I do or say? Can the old Christy really ever come back? Why does this bother me?

It sends me back to what I've known now for a while-nothing can please me. You can't win with me.

Saying this gets me all up in a tizzy. But what do I want her to say? "You have turned into this depressed scrooge and I like it that way."?

What do I want? This is the question that was rolling around in my head all day, and all night last when I couldn't sleep. I actually stayed home from work today, just for a mental health day and to catch up on sleep. I don't really have enough sick days to do this because I used them all on my "fake" maternity leave last year. But everything has been so overwhelming and with the French students coming next Wednesday, I just felt like I needed a day. Well, you guys understand, so anyway. What do I want?

I want the things that everyone else gets. I want to carry this baby to term and when it gets close I want to do all sorts of crazy wives tales to help convince her to come out. I want to pack my hospital bag with fun stuff and not plan what I'll do this time if she dies. I want to lie awake with my husband counting contractions trying to figure out when to go to the hospital. I want our moms to sit in the waiting room with smiles on their face instead of tears.
I want a baby shower. I want to roll around in beautiful, tiny little pink girl things. I want to sit in her beautiful room, made just for her, and putz around with baby things. Hang tiny little outfits on cute little hangers. Arrange her room so it is just. so.

I want to have a child. I want to take her with me everywhere I go. I want to get to know her and figure out her moods and I want her to need me like I need my mom. I want to help her grow up. Take her places. Help her see the world and figure things out. Help her with her homework and remind her that most boys are not worth it. Hold her hand while she cries, laugh with her, and yell with her.

I want to buy her a cute, frilly swimsuit and flipflops and take her swimming.

I want to read her my favorite books.

I want. I want. I want. I want.

So much. Really I know that that first part doesn't matter-it's the healthy baby part that is going to get me what I REALLY want. What bugs me is how hard it is for us to get it and how easy (it seems anyway) for others.

I'm so tired of wanting. I'm so tired of being patient. I'm so tired of just being this. Dead Baby(ies) Mom.

And I am not the old Christy. I'm little bits of her, and little bits of this new me, all rolled into one.

I think this all probably makes me sound whiny and selfish, so I will stop. Sigh.

Prayers/Positive Energy Requested

2010-03-20T09:17:00.003-05:00

Please send your love to Bree. She's in the hospital now with some nasty contractions and fighting hard to keep her rainbow baby cooking as long as she can! She also just passed her little Ella's birthday, so March is a really hard month for her.
Please keep Bree, Ella, and baby in your thoughts!!!!

Trust

2010-03-15T18:59:00.002-05:00

I don't trust.
I don't trust even myself.
Right now I want SO badly to trust my body. To trust that it will do what it is supposed to do.
To trust that this baby will get to come home alive and live with me.

But it's so hard to trust when you've seen it all go bad.

Tomorrow I will be 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. The day I delivered the twins. It seems surreal. I can't believe that while I'm counting down the days now to one year since they were born, I'm counting UP the days of this pregnancy.

I've said before that it seems absolutely ridiculous to be worried about this day. To think that something tragic will happen again at 23.3. It doesn't make sense.

On the other hand, I find it very...unsettling that I have a very good idea of what this baby inside of me looks like right now.

I don't trust myself. I can't. But I have to keep believing. Keep believing that I will make it one more day, and then the next, and then the next.

And hopefully the next.

Randomness

2010-03-12T20:35:00.006-06:00

*I wonder if Bluebird has had her baby yet!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

*Tomorrow will be ELEVEN months since Sophie and Aiden were born. I can't believe it. There are so many emotions rushing through me that for once I can't even seem to write them out. It's insane. I just cannot believe it. I am having a lot of trouble with the bitter and the sweet right now of remembering my beautiful babies and finding hope for the one inside right now.

*I had a doctor's appointment...and I am 23 weeks!!!!! This is a huge deal because according to my hospital, this is viability. Next goal, 24 weeks, then 28.

*My cervix is still measuring over 4 inches long, even when they simulate a contraction, so that's great news. They'll measure it one last time in 2 weeks to make sure and then they'll be satisfied.

*We found a house, put an offer, and they accepted! We are officially moving on April 30th!

*I will leave you with a picture of my daughter, who is apparently an acrobat!!!! and she did NOT get that from me :)

Strange

2010-03-10T09:52:00.003-06:00

So, almost immediately after the twins were born and died, I wanted to move. Our house was a starter home anyway, a duplex, and we didn't want to stay there forever, but once we were pregnant we didn't really have the money since we were having twins! And after I took the nursery back down, I just hated our house even more.

I had some important memories in this house-specifically those relating to my father-in-law (he passed away right before the babies were conceived) and of course us beginning our marriage, and working together to make it a home, and the pregnancy with the twins. BUt mostly, I hated it.

I know I can't run away from the pain-moving isn't going to help that. But I wanted to just get out. So last May we put our house on the market. Since then, we have lowered our asking price significantly, and have had SO many showings-and each time, I'd get a little excited-(this'll be the one!) and then the phone call or the e-mail would come saying they were not interested, there were too many stairs, they did not like the location, whatever. That burning feeling of disappointment that we are all too, unfortunately, aware of.

Then on Thursday we had a showing and the people wanted to come back. They came back Saturday and then they put in an offer!!! but the offer was really low :( So we countered back pretty firm, and I spent all of Monday worrying that we had chased our only potential buyer away, and then Monday night our realtor was at our door with flowers and sparkling grape juice telling us that they had ACCEPTED OUR OFFER.

This is strange.
I am SO excited. Tonight we get to go house hunting with the purpose of actually choosing one to start the next chapter of our life in.

But it feels like it has been SO long since something I have been waiting for and wishing for and praying for actually happened.

The year before we conceived the twins was full of dealing with my father-in-law's cancer and infertility. Then death. Wishing, praying, more death.

Littler things like hubby's board scores-more disappointment. Work stress.

I almost don't know what to do. Don't know what to feel. I can't remember the last time I was prompted to actually GRIN! To realize that something had gone right!

It's strange. To be 28 years old and feel like all I can remember is disappointment. I try to think back about feelings of pure joy-getting my first job, B proposing, all of those amazing things. But it's like they're lost in the grief and the sadness and the disappointment. That makes me sad.

Last night, B was also able to feel our baby girl kick from the outside. Seeing that grin on his face melts me to pieces. I'm so scared for him. I am responsible and if something bad happens, I just want to protect him. I think a lot that if he hadn't married me he might have found someone more fertile and wouldn't know this pain of baby loss.

It's just strange. All these feelings at once. But excitement? It's like a new feeling that I've never felt before. I like it, but it makes me nervous.

So, anyway, we are closing on this house on April 30th. We will spend the babies birthday in the only house they ever lived in, then we will pack up and go somewhere new. I'm ok with that. They'll be coming with us-in the only way that they can, right? They'll be in our hearts. :)

Almost a Mother

Letter

All I once had

Weaving

A Year in Review

A parallel universe

Shutterfly

2.5

Checking In

Normal

Friendship

I won!

One year-impossible (rainbow/living child mentioned)

Escape

Summer

Silence

Where I am right now-792 days. Fading.

STRONG and AMAZING

Changes

I walk because...

This week

2

Struggling to find the words

Proof

One Day

Support Needed

Tempting Fate

This time of year

Memories

STRESS

If it were anyone else...

Scared

Heaviness

Mortality

Days

A new look and asteroid b-612

Twenty-one

Year in Review

Tantrum

Christmas 2010

Permanent Damage

I care.

Moments

Do you Shutterfly?

Tears

You

Update

Positive Thoughts?

Reminders

I guess I just suck, then.

My heart hurts.

Signs and Symbols

Where are they now?

Faking It

Support Needed

Escape

Still?

Sadness

Guilt

Bits About This and That

2 months *rainbow mentioned*

Seriously

Sigh.

Movie Moment

Crazy.

It all worked out.

Avery's Birth Story

Bittersweet

A mish mash

stressed

Some pictures

Where my Heart Is

Reversal

Dear Sophie and Aiden

Hurt

A moment

ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Anxiety vs. Gut Instinct???

School's OUT!!!!!!

29

2 months rainbow mentioned