Saturday, September 15, 2012

The "Perfect Family", Viability (I hate that word), and Tube-y Thoughts

A few weeks ago, we found out this baby is a boy.

I had a feeling that it was, but not a very strong one, and mostly just a "I'm scared" feeling that it would be.  I'm not scared of having a boy, but I was scared of this feeling.  This feeling that now, I have a girl and a boy.

The perfect family.


I remember when we found out the twins were a boy and a girl.  I was over the MOON.  One of each!  What could be better???  A girl for me and a boy for the hubby.  Pink, fluffy dresses and choochoo trains. 

I don't talk too much about being pregnant.  I think I might announce it on soon, only because I have relatives that I would like to know and it's the easiest way.  But, up until now, I haven't really said anything . Whenever I do, it's the first thing out of their mouth.

"A girl and a boy!  Now you have the perfect family.  One of each."

I want to scream.  Don't they understand (of course they don't; if they did, they wouldn't say it) that I will never have the perfect family?  I will have half of my family here, and half of my family in Heaven.  I will have one girl and (hopefully) one boy, but the other two I'll never get to know.  It's not perfect.

But, it's mine.  My family.  And I'm proud of it!  Just sometimes it's hard to feel.

On Monday I will be 24 weeks.  This week has been awful, filled with an enormous amount of anxiety and lots of nightmares.  Last night, actually, I had to wake my husband up to turn on the light to make sure there wasn't a snake hanging on the curtain rod.  I really, really believed it was there.  I was up the rest of the night.  Ugh.

It's not like I'm naive enough to think that once I get past 24 weeks everything will be ok, it's just the first of many milestones I need to get through.  We started school a few weeks ago.  I have a very nice class, but they are extremely needy and I'm coming home every day stressed and exhausted.  I keep feeling like I'm doing too much and I get home and am almost scared to move.  I'm SO thankful I have an understanding, kind, worried husband.  He won't let me lift anything, use cleaning products, change diapers (since A likes to kick while being changed and finds it hilarious), etc.  It helps my anxiety more than anything.

I had an appointment this week and asked my doctor about when I would have to decide about a tubal ligation.  I'm not decided yet, but, I think I'm on my way.  I know I wanted to have more than 2 kids, I know I'm still young, I know all these things.  However, pregnancy and ALL it entails-it consumes me.  It's never ending.  PCOS, when is my period, am I ovulating? Could I be pregnant? fertility doctors, checking for bleeding, peeing on a stick, checking for bleeding, ptsd, being afraid to roll over, to sneeze for fear my water will break, not being able to lift my all is so much.  I wish it were easy, I wish I were "good" at pregnancy, but I'm not.  And I am FOREVER and forever so unbelievably grateful that I got the chance to be pregnant, bring home a healthy daughter, and now hopefully a healthy son.  I think I want to move on to the next chapter of my life, end my reproductive years and focus on being a mom.

Of course, I'll wait to make a decision until I'm at a gestation where prematurity isn't an issue.  I don't know that if this baby died, I'd want to have any more anyway, but I don't think I'd get a tubal all the same.  I remember my desperation to be pregnant again when I lost the twins.

Anyway, a lot on my mind lately.  I'm just working, being a mom, and trying so hard to make this a peaceful, healthy pregnancy.  I'm so thankful for your prayers, well wishes, and comments.

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