Sunday, August 12, 2012

The second time around

People keep asking me if this time is "easier."

I am, honestly, feeling hurt lately.  Alone.  I'm pretty sure that the general thoughts out there are:  1.  Nothing bad will happen, it didn't with Avery, right?  2.  You should just be thankful you can get pregnant, and did it on your own.  3.  Avery's pregnancy was normal, you didn't have any complications, what are you worried about?

I'll tell you what.  I still HAVE TWO DEAD BABIES.

Am I grateful?  Oh, man, they have no idea.  Some days I still cannot believe it.  I still can't believe that I have been so lucky, so blessed.  It's not that I "deserve" it, I just got lucky.  And I think about it and thank God


I still have ptsd.  I still have nightmares.

I still am afraid every.single.night. to roll over for fear of hearing that POP of my water breaking.  I still am afraid that there will be no heartbeat. That there will be a cord accident.  That one of the million things that I didn't know about before but do now, will happen.

I'm not being treated as high-risk this time. No peri, no extra appointments, no extra ultrasounds.  It's hard.  Really, really hard.  I haven't had an appt in 5 weeks.  The anxiety is all consuming.  Overwhelming.

When I was pregnant with Avery, people were right there with me.  Encouraging, listening.  Now, it just seems like they think I should just shut up, move on and get over it because, after all, it won't happen again.

But, the thing is, of course it MIGHT.  And, beyond that, I still am scared.  I still have fear.  I still don't know what will happen.  I still don't know it will be alright.  And I still need help.  I need an ear, a hand to hold.  I still need a friend to come over and sit with me.  I still need to not be in bed at exactly 9:40, the time my water broke.  I need so much, and I feel like people don't think I do.  I feel isolated.

This is hard, yo.